We share blood, but we're not family.

[Dr. Percival Cox]

In the possibility of an already existing thread, I state my usual disclaimer.

We've all heard someone at one point or another say "They're your family, you have to love them." I say bullshit. If I don't like someone, I don't care if we're related or not, I don't like them. I wouldn't say that there are any particular members of my family that I hate, but there are alot of them that I don't love. I have no reason to. Now, I think that for me, this probably stems from me being somewhat of the black sheep in my family. I show very little interest in them mostly because they don't show any interest in me. Now, I ask you: Should I love people that don't honestly care about me? I don't think so. I my personal opinion, the status of "family" is something that has to be earned. I've got buddies that, in any circumstance, I would rather assist than just about any person that I'm related to. Aside from a couple of uncles and my grandfather, the rest of my family could slowly die off and, as cold as it sounds, I can honestly say that it wouldn't affect me.

This is all my opinion, though. I'm sure the rest of you have your own.

 

[Abstract Debauchery]

I agree with you. I have family I have no desire to speak to again. This is about 99% of the family on my Mother's side. The majority of them are felons, and a few of them have gone to prison for molesting children. I refuse to see them, refuse to speak to them or have anything to do with them in the slightest. They're the lowest form of human scum on the face of the planet and if they died tomorrow I would only go to their funeral for the sole purpose of pissing on their graves.

So yeah, they share blood, but they're nowhere near my family. In fact, I believe the last time I talked to one of my uncles on that side of the family I ended up breaking his nose.

Fuck that guy, he's a dick.

 

[Æon Flux]

I agree with you 100%
I have a sister with whom well I simply dont care about one way or the other if she did die tomorrow honestly I wouldnt feel one way or the other about it. She has done some extremely horrid things to my mother and I so when people tell me I have to love her because shes my sister I dissagree highly. Sure she has issues we all do and just because shes nice to people on the outside dosent mean I havent seen the sludge inside.
Luckily ive met a person or two who understand my feelings in regard to her since they have had similar expieriences in life such as mine and it is refreshing to be able to talk to someone without having them jam it down my throat thet I have to love her...because I dont.
Also I dont have contact with anyother family members because most of them are greedy turds with whom id rather not acknowledge as a relation.
Blood dosent make a family emotion does,a close bond. So all in all most of my "family" is non blood related

 

[Sum1sgruj]

Most families are only around for the money and the roof, if you ask my opinion. I think values have left the average household in this contemporary age. The clock just ticks until you can get out of there. Back then, parents usually wanted you to stay at home. Now, you're lucky not to get the boot when your 17 years, 11 months, and 29 days old.
Which speaks volumes for the scale of things, such as feeling like a black sheep throughout being raised.
Nail on head right?
Amen

 

[Freefall]

I kinda agree. It really depends on how you think of family, whether its blood relatives or who you live with. A family should just be a group of people who support each other

 

[Bambi]

Just because you're realted to someone doesnt mean you have to love them, you dont even have to care if you rarely or never see them. Ive fam in aus ive never met, so i couldnt give two hoots about them. If one of them died, Id just be like. oh right - thats a shame. But to me, they are complete strangers. The fam over in ireland, ive met some of them, dont see them often, so yeah, i care, but love. No

you cant love folk you dont know

 

[Toshiya]

Someone once told me that family is just a bunch of people you wouldn't get on with at all if you weren't related

I think that applies to almost every family member you have. I can't imagine I'd ever get along with my parents at all if we weren't related. I love them, obviously, and we do get along good, but I hold different views about a lot of things to them and there are things they do that just really piss me off. If they were people I'd just met randomly, I probably wouldn't like them at all. That's a bit weird to think about

In fact, I don't think I'm close to pretty much any members of my family, apart from one of my cousins. I live a long way away from any of them so I just don't know them, simple as. My nan (dad's mum) died a couple of years back, and I was pretty much forced to go to the funeral - but I couldn't cry, and it made me feel a bit heartless because every other member of my family was in tears. But the fact is, I didn't know her, and although I was sad that she was dead, it didn't affect me at all

 

[Chivalry Augustus]

I think it depends on your upbringing as to how much and in what ways you value your family. Blood isn't always thicker than water, but if you're nurtured by a loving family, it must be easier to build close bonds with all of your family members than if you're begrudgingly raised in a broken/semi-broken/slightly cracked home. I agree in principle that family needn't and doesn't always take precedence over other people. There are certainly family members that I don't like, but that is because they themselves have become separate from the family by fighting or rebelling against the ideals that our family holds dear. When you think of how large an extended family usually is, certain factions within it are always going to be completely at odds to whatever values bind the rest of the family together. Family is usually, in my mind, a complimenting contrast of differing opinions linked by blood that is nevertheless united in some kind of common values and mutual efforts.

 

[Harlequin]

When I was little I heard this kinda stuff and I always thought I'd never feel that way about my family, but it comes to a point where sadly everyone in this world looks out for number one first and foremost and you're only entitled to what you can grab and hold on to - both of which apply to family aswell. That's not to say not getting on with them isn't loving them, I think it's more of a question of respect. I don't particularly get on with my brother, it's better now but there was a point when we felt genuine hate towards one another, but even during that period whenever there was trouble with one of us the other would back it because we both came from the same family, the same mother and in the end I didn't want my mother feeling bad about that shit, nor did I want my brother to suffer because as much as I might have hated my brother in those days, that other guy isn't gonna fuck with my family.

A few years ago I had fights with my mother regularly over everything and I strongly disliked her, but even if I didn't feel love for her there are some things you have to keep in check even for yourself. If any of my friends commented on my mum they'd have to show respect, if my mum threw a fit and began shouting at my friends they couldn't argue back - even if she was wrong, because she was my mother. If you don't respect your family no one's gonna respect them and by extension no one's gonna respect you - especially if you're a male. That for me is the love you have to develop for your family, even if it's just for your own character.

Life rarely turns out as you expect it to, but there are some things you should train yourself to be. Family might be difficult sometimes, but the second you step out the front door and you realise what life really is most people's families aren't nearly as bad as they'd imagine. People will step on you, scam you, rob you, etc far worse than any family member you ever had. That's the real world, if you're a threat to someone, either they'll out do you or try to undermine you.

I guess having felt nothing but animosity towards my brother for about a decade now I've realised just how petulant this "I don't love him" attitude is, I'm still wary, but that's just people in general and you can either be bitter about it or accept that these problems are gonna crop up throughout your life and it's up to you to deal with them.

 

[Big Casino]

We've all heard someone at one point or another say "They're your family, you have to love them."

I dont think anyones ever said that to me tbh but i know what you mean. You cant force yourself to like or love someone. Stating that you have to love your family because they have the same DNA as you is balls.
If theyre arseholes then theyre arseholes, im not gunna like them anymore than the next one.
Ive never been close with my family at all. I dont see my dad or his side of the family and i see my mums side a few times a year

 

[Sepalcure]

For me, I haven't established a bond with my father simply because he missed out on a huge chunk of my life. It's had its positives and negatives shaping me so far: I think I'll become stronger 'cause of it the more older I get. But yeah I've definitely wrestled with whether I should "love" him or his family. At the moment, I keep a safe distance, unless I need him *cringe* for something as far as money is concerned (until I start job hunting again) then I don't really communicate with him. Same goes for his family, I don't go out of my way to initiate conversations with them or establish a relationship because they never attended any of my parties, formal functions, or phoned me. Only one of his family members really tries to talk to me but even around this particular person I felt incredibly foreign with. My siblings are slightly better if still rather alien to me, there's one brother who refuses to contact me or our father's side of the family and that's just as well.

I'm really close with my mother's side since they primarily raised me and supported me. I have some relatives that made some poor life choices but I don't love 'em any less. In my opinion, if you can't even go out of your way to contact or keep in touch with your relatives than you're not really family or you don't care that much. I've gone through some shit, yeah? But I think the primary thing here is that when one of my father's family members tries to reach out to me I don't turn them down. Likewise goes for my dad, as much as I may bitch and gripe about not being able to legitimately love him, I still try my hardest to respect him. I'm not perfect, I don't always succeed, words fly out of my mouth and in the past I've said things without having followed through or thought through just how venomous said words were. But I'm learning that at the end of the day I may have to end up turning to them.

Life is fucking difficult, it's harsh, it can be beautiful and it can kick you in the fucking ass if you don't hold it by the reins and assume control of it. The least I can do as a person is respect my mother and biological father as well as my stepfather. I may not love to adhere to their advice, I may downright abhor what they're saying but at some point I'll look back on all of the lessons: both difficult and easy and I'll realize what sort of person I've become from it. So do I love my dad's family? No, I don't know them, I doubt I'll ever establish that strong of a familial bond with them as I've come to have with my mother's side. But I ultimately respect my father's side: if they need me for anything: whether it be one of my brothers or my father then I'll try to put my best foot forward and extend my "please" and "thank yous" to them.

 

[Donald Trump]

I don't know most of my family because they live overseas in Engerland or scotland. And the family that live here aren't exactly the type of people nice white middle class people mix with. They're not too bad or anything, but they're not great, and we aren't related too much.
I don't care about them because I don't know them, and even then, most of them sound like complete cunts. My mum's cousin came out from Aberdeen a couple of years ago for a holiday, he stayed at our house for two weeks and never paid for anything. Before he left he got us a bottle of wine that must have cost $20 at the most, and he's one of the more decent people. They all seem to be a tight as fuck, if they drop a penny they bend over so fast to pick it up it hits them on the head etc etc.
And my dad's family seem even worse, admittedly they live in a shithole called manchester and know no better, but they're basically fucking animals. If they died I wouldn't give a fuck, I'd go to funeral, but only so I could go play pool with James and Lewis, though Lewis would surely DS me.

 

[Gaige]

There was a stage where I wasn't particularly close with my dad. He and I both did a few things here and there that just ensure that we didn't get along like your stereotypical father and eldest son, and so I was cautiously casual with him at best if that makes remotely any sense to you guys.

However, I do respect the guy. He brings money in, works his ass off, and yeah, I probably love him like a dad. But I do think love and like are two very different things, and while I've always loved him, there were times a few years back when I didn't like him.

The relationship is still somewhat raw. I'm not all that close to him, but it's not like a few years back, where we couldn't exchange more than pleasantries at the dinner table. I do think that most parents, for right or for wrong, do things because they love us, and they care for us, and they want us to come out a little more grounded and mature.

That's not always gonna work though. We develop our own minds and morals as we hit our teenage years. Well, most of us anyway. And if we disagree with our families and can't express that and compromise, then it's only going to go downhill. Basically innocent until proven guilty.

 

[der Astronom]

A few years ago I had fights with my mother regularly over everything and I strongly disliked her, but even if I didn't feel love for her there are some things you have to keep in check even for yourself. If any of my friends commented on my mum they'd have to show respect, if my mum threw a fit and began shouting at my friends they couldn't argue back - even if she was wrong, because she was my mother. If you don't respect your family no one's gonna respect them and by extension no one's gonna respect you - especially if you're a male. That for me is the love you have to develop for your family, even if it's just for your own character.

I'd have to disagree for purely logical reasons. Just because you don't respect your parents doesn't mean your friends can't or shouldn't, and conversely, if you respect them, it doesn't mean they have to. Your friends can make up their own minds about whether or not they want to respect your parents based on how they treat them (eg, your parents can treat your friends like shit while not treating you like shit). And if they're just respecting your parents just because they see you as a friend, they're not being very honest. And if people are going to respect people based on whether or not you respect them, then they're sheeple, plain and simple.

Life rarely turns out as you expect it to, but there are some things you should train yourself to be. Family might be difficult sometimes, but the second you step out the front door and you realise what life really is most people's families aren't nearly as bad as they'd imagine. People will step on you, scam you, rob you, etc far worse than any family member you ever had. That's the real world, if you're a threat to someone, either they'll out do you or try to undermine you.

I don't see any logical reason why your family members can't be the kinds of people scamming or stealing from you. I've had relatives cheat on my dad's brother numerous times, and they've even been asking for our support. Luckily, my dad just wasn't stupid enough to go along with it.

I guess having felt nothing but animosity towards my brother for about a decade now I've realised just how petulant this "I don't love him" attitude is, I'm still wary, but that's just people in general and you can either be bitter about it or accept that these problems are gonna crop up throughout your life and it's up to you to deal with them.

Personally, I think it's better to be honest about how you feel towards people, whether it's your friends or family members. If you really don't like them, you shouldn't feel the need to respect them just because you've lived with them or because they're related to you by blood. If they've done things you don't like in the past, ask yourself if it's something you'd hate them for as you would for if they weren't your family members. I'm sure all people encounter situations where they didn't get along with people that weren't your family members, but you don't hate them either, and if you don't have long relationships with them, you probably don't love them either. As it is with family members. If you can't remember anything they've done for you that you felt you could love them for, there's no reason why you have to. And if they haven't done anything worthy of hating them for, there's no reason to hate them either. If you love your significant other or your friends more than your family members, there's no reason to be dishonest about it and pretend you love your family members more than your friends, just because you were told to by people at the beginning of your life or because society expects you to.

 

[Valvalis]

I can see where it's tough to say "screw my family" because of the blood bonds, but I think having strong ties with your family is probably something that started out in earlier history as being more necessary than it is now. Back when people lived in small tribes in the earlier periods of civilization, and people were very spread out geographically, if you had extended family they often were the only allies you had. And there was plenty of duplicity amongst them, but I'm willing to bet that that's how family ties began, through necessity based on geography and strength in numbers.

But now that many people don't operate that way anymore, and can go through their whole life without meeting most of their family, it's not really as necessary to get along with them. And logically there's no reason to favor someone based on something as completely and entirely arbitrary as genetics. People should earn respect, not get it for free, and that even applies to families.

As far as my family, most of them are cool, but if they weren't I wouldn't stick up for them just because they were blood related.

 

[Dionysos]

I’ve been very lucky not to have had any major falling outs with anyone in my family. If anything very negative has happened to me by them then I’ve either repressed it, or have been too socially stupid to recognise it as a problem.

I don’t, however, know very many people in the larger family very well. My parents and sister and I are located further south than the rest of the family as my Dad and Mom moved down here when they got married. The vast majority (pretty much everyone other than my Uncle’s family) of my close’ish relatives are up in the North East. I’ve been quite close with some of them.

I’m quiet anyway, so I don’t tend to know my relatives very well apart from what they say about themselves when I see them.

All of that said I do feel that I have a fairly strong sense of attachment to them. I wouldn’t say that it is on the same level as my close family and few friends, but I still have a level of respect, honour or loyalty or whatever. Family as an idea is important to me for some reason and gives me a sense of belonging. This isn’t even anything that has been hammered into me, or that I’ve been brainwashed as I find that the vast majority of people out there actually hate / say they hate their families (be it either close relatives or relatives that they barely know).

For my sister it is a different story entirely. She hates (or says she hates to appear cool) family and dislikes the idea of meeting people from the family and knowing more about other people in our family. I guess people are just different like that.

So, no. I personally don't subscribe to the "I must hate / not give a damn about family if they haven't done anything great for me or know me very well". I can understand others for thinking like that, and many have had many horror stories to do with their family. I think maybe I'm just a bit soft on people like that, as I tend to respect a lot of people of all sorts for different reasons. I've had no reason to hate anyone, to my knowledge, and do hold and have always held value to the idea of family.

 

[Harlequin]

I don't see any logical reason why your family members can't be the kinds of people scamming or stealing from you.

I didn't say they couldn't, I only implied they were far less likely to be as callous as those who aren't related to you. Of course that's not necessarily the case and alot of my family have treated eachother heinously, but I'm merely suggesting it's more difficult, however slight, to cross those related to you than it is people you're not as closely affiliated with. I'm not imploring people to love their families, I'm just throwing my two cents in.

As for the respect, if you don't have respect, if you don't have solidarity, you have nothing. You may think differently in which case what follows may seem abstract to you (I don't mean to condescend), but no matter how I felt about my brother, for me as a male I couldn't let others undermine my authority as a protector of my family - sounds corny I know but the reality is people don't look at me and think he doesn't like his brother, they think he's a weakling who's to be exploited. That guy is my brother, it doesn't matter if I hate him, if someone talks shit about my brother don't do it around me because it's a blatant disrespect on me aswell. The lack of respect they have for your relatives will permeate through to a lack of respect to you.

 

[der Astronom]

I didn't say they couldn't, I only implied they were far less likely to be as callous as those who aren't related to you. Of course that's not necessarily the case and alot of my family have treated eachother heinously, but I'm merely suggesting it's more difficult, however slight, to cross those related to you than it is people you're not as closely affiliated with. I'm not imploring people to love their families, I'm just throwing my two cents in.

That depends. Because people often make assumptions about family members, (eg, that you have to be nice to them, or that they have to be nice to you; apparently, that's not how most people here think, so I'm happy for them) they're easy to exploit. Because you can expect another family member feels they are obligated to respect you because you're related by blood, you can do a lot of things to them or ask them to do something for you that you would not do to someone else who is a complete stranger because they do not have that perspective of automatic respect on you.

As for the respect, if you don't have respect, if you don't have solidarity, you have nothing.

No, I happen to think respect must be earned, like a lot of people in this thread. And genetics is not any sort of criteria I use to determine who I respect and who I don't. It would be completely different if you were talking about someone who respects no one at all, and under no conditions.

You may think differently in which case what follows may seem abstract to you (I don't mean to condescend), but no matter how I felt about my brother, for me as a male I couldn't let others undermine my authority as a protector of my family - sounds corny I know but the reality is people don't look at me and think he doesn't like his brother, they think he's a weakling who's to be exploited.

People can think what they will. I know they make assumptions based on things that don't make sense, and they can often be wrong. If they're wrong, they're probably missing out, and either aren't worth being your friends or aren't deserving of respect.

That guy is my brother, it doesn't matter if I hate him, if someone talks shit about my brother don't do it around me because it's a blatant disrespect on me aswell. The lack of respect they have for your relatives will permeate through to a lack of respect to you.

That's a bit dishonest though because then you're being willfully ignorant of any kind of criticism, fair or not, that might be leveled at your brother, and I see absolutely no reason why you have to support it. For example, if your friend did something wrong, there's no reason why you have to support it either. If you were true friends with someone, you don't have to lie about supporting them if you fundamentally disagree with what they did, and it's possibly more trouble than it's worth because they'll probably believe you if you support them when you really don't and they'll probably drag you through it. As it is with family members. If your brother is doing something fundamentally wrong and someone is nice enough to point it out to you, and you refuse to hear it because you think that's disrespecting you and your brother, you're not doing your brother or yourself any favor. And don't think you couldn't have known he was doing something wrong; just because you're family members doesn't mean you can't have secrets or that other people can't have a different perspective of your brother that you have no access to unless they were to tell you about it.

 

[Harlequin]

I think you're over thinking this. Sadly, logic rarely comes into people's judgements and judgement of one another is what governs our relationships.

For example, the same dynamic I'm speaking of would apply to a male's relationship with his wife. If someone criticises your wife and you believe their criticism to be true it's fair enough to agree with whomever is criticising her, but she won't appreciate your public attitude towards the issue and if you do defend her publicly others will think more of you just for having the guts to defend your family. It's not a question of being ignorant to the criticism, it's a question of knowing how to handle a situation. Accept the criticism later, but that person has to know that they can't take that route in the future. If you agree, the person - even if only subconsciously - will believe they can take that route with you often, which will inevitably lower your value to them.

 

[der Astronom]

I think you're over thinking this. Sadly, logic rarely comes into people's judgements and judgement of one another is what governs our relationships.

And personally, I'd rather have friends who are logical than friends who are not. Or at least are logical most of the time. Because I think logic is necessary to make a good judgment, and just because most people don't use it isn't a reason why it shouldn't be promoted, or that relationships can't be dealt with logically. I also happen to respect people who think logically than those who do not. Your mileage may vary, but that's my opinion on it.

For example, the same dynamic I'm speaking of would apply to a male's relationship with his wife. If someone criticises your wife and you believe their criticism to be true it's fair enough to agree with whomever is criticising her, but she won't appreciate your public attitude towards the issue and if you do defend her publicly others will think more of you just for having the guts to defend your family.

Or maybe they also happen to think badly of her, and you supporting her doesn't help your image or hers. And if they say they're okay with her, it's not as if they really mean it all the time. And if you agree with that criticism, maybe you should talk to her about it and do something about it. It does no good to continue living with it and either pretending you agree with it and facing whatever comes your way or to be honest about it and be afraid that people will look badly on her or you.

It's not a question of being ignorant to the criticism, it's a question of knowing how to handle a situation. Accept the criticism later, but that person has to know that they can't take that route in the future. If you agree, the person - even if only subconsciously - will believe they can take that route with you often, which will inevitably lower your value to them.

Why can't you just accept the criticism now and worry about the public impression of yourselves after? If you accept the criticism now and deal with it, you might not even have an impression problem afterwards anyways.