Serious ARGH! -moan thread-

[Bambi]

Fuck me, I cant believe im in here, whining about my life but Im having a moral dilema

My ex (Ellies dad) announced that he and his gf were having a baby, now, he cant even look after the child he already has. He didnt lift a finger when i was pregnant, he didnt lift a finger for the first couple of months didnt see her for 3 years and has taken til the last few months to get him to see her regular (and even that is a constant battle, i never know if hes gunna let me down last minute or not. hes always whining about having no money GET A JOB THEN DICK HEAD. and cant afford to get her - actually trying to use the sob story on me. So if you cant afford this one, and for the record he was always desperate for kids and we were together for 3 years so in no way did i trap in him to something he didnt want. More like the other way rouind. 'cant have kids' MY FUCKING VAGINA

So anyway, Im pretty annoyed by this, seeing as its an effort to get him to see her anyway, i said this better NOT fucking affect seeing ellie. OH it wont he says. then tonight, oh, i cant come. I HAVE NO MONEY. If he cant afford to see her now, how the FUCK will he afford to see her when the new kid comes along

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HAVING ANOTHER FUCKING.....A;SLDJKWEFHGOUAHWERGUIOHERGAERUOPGH

So, the fucking corker here, I say, well, what about you come here, have some quality you and her time while you can, il fuck off to clares or summat and il get you a return ticket (its only 17 quid and between a house of 5 they cant scrape 20 petrol money together either) He was like, nah i cant ive no money. so i said, no, i said I WILL PAY. Oh...uh... no I cant leave lorna, we've just found out and shes poorly. Get a grip, theres a house full of people, shes not alone and shes pregnant not dying.

So basically, its already begun and hes essentially putting his GF before his own child, which if you knew him, what he really means, is he cant be arsed and he cant do anything on his own. hes useless

Would it be wrong of me to say, you know what? Fuck it, im sick of the stress. If you cant be fucking arsed then dont fucking bother coming for her again. Do I actually cut him out or let him fleet in and out of her life like i know he will getting her hopes up? or do i carry on pushing and driving myself to high blood pressure?

Sad thing is, i know if i dont push it, he wont bother. But I dont think i can take any more of this every fortnight, its a constant battle to get him to come and see the daughter he claims he loves and misses oh so much

Not only that, he knew tomorrow was important and hes just been a massive cock about it. The very fact hes essentially just looked a gift horse in the mouth.

Ive also had words with my mother, i was abit riled when he said he wasnt coming,s o i called her to let off abit of steam and what did i get?

Well, i had to bring you and alan up on my own with no help. Deal with it

Right. So you want the same thing for me then? To struggle on my own, never have a break or time to myself? its not even like i want to go out on the lash every fucking day, i just want a fucking BREAK sometimes. So im not talking to her either. Cheers for understanding mum, all I wanted was a sympathetic ear

Well fuck you too.

I know how bitter I sound, but if you knew him. And i actually like his gf we've been out, went to see muse together last year, shes lovely but if it wasnt for her, he'd never see ellie at all. I cant believe shes mad enough to tie herself to him for life, she knows first hand what hes like.

Its just not knowing what to do regarding the whole situation. I want to wash my hands of him completely, but Ellie... arghsdknfaio;df

Oh I broke up with my boyfriend the weekend as well, so all in all im having a MARVELLOUS week. we're having dinner on sat, having a chat about things though

 

[Ilyena]

I'm no therapist but I imagine it can't be good for Ellie getting her hopes up and then him never coming through. If he makes that much of a fuss because he can't be bothered with her, it makes me wonder how he treats her when she's with him. You shouldn't have to deal with that constantly since he's her parent too.

I've never been in your position but I'd say let it go for now. It's not worth the stress of getting yours and Ellie's hopes up just to be let down at the last minute. Maybe he'll eventually realize what a douche he is and make an effort to improve.

What about her grandparents (his parents)? Are they willing to keep her from time to time? I mean, she is their grandchild and that would at least give you a break sometimes.

 

[Bambi]

His mum died last year, and its her bday tomorrow and because he doesnt give a shit about anyone, i booked the day off work to spend with his dad and sister go to the cemetery, for a drink and for a meal and that. He cant even be arsed to acknowledge that, so i shouldn't be surprised really. I dont know why I ever am really, why i let it bother me so much, because its nothing new

 

[Channizard]

I''m with Tia on this. The sheer fact of the heartbreak he causes Ellie should be enough resolve to cut him loose. If you do, you're left with one of two things that'll happen: He'll realize how much of an ass he was after he doesn't have her anymore, and then maybe he'll start to make more of an effort.. or he'll just fuck off.

It's worth trying either way I think, just.. stop calling/responding and then see what happens..

 

[Aeris]

Sounds like a right prick to me.

My mother had to bring my sister and me up on her own so I've seen how stressful and frustrating it can be. However, a parent who claims to love a child? It should cost no effort or money to see them. My dad does everything he can to even get me to stay with him for a few weekends due to money issues. He just wants to see me.

It doesn't seem like he really cares for Ellie or you - I don't personally know him but from what you have told us, he just seems totally selfish. Nephry makes a good point; how does he treat her when she is with him?

My dad didn't bother with me at all until he had to work away in England. Before he had left the country, all he did was take me up to my grandparents, eat lunch (maybe dinner) then fall asleep on the couch while watching wrestling. My grandparents and mother were the only people who cared enough to raise me and my sibling.

Despite my dad only recently caring and wanting to actually spend time with me and get to know me without telling me to shut up (among other things), I don't bother with his existance anymore. If he didn't want me when I was younger, then fuck him now. I'm old enough to say; "I have no time for you since you had no time for me".

If a parent doesn't love you, it only hurts more when they are around or disappointing you due to missing birthdays or some shit. This is my personal view and opinion. As for getting yourself a break, I'm not sure what to suggest... How old is she?

 

[Noize]

Let's get the facts straight.

-Your ex whom you had the baby with, pretty much is making excuses not to do his parental duties and actually taking the time to see his child

- This same guy didn't lift a finger or care at all while you were pregnant.

- Your mother basically told you "You're on your own" and doesn't give a shit.

- You're stressing out because no one gives a shit about you anymore (by the sounds of it) and you have to raise the child by yourself.

- You recently broke up with your current boyfriend and the shit continues.

What i want to know, is what happened between you and your current boyfriend? Last i heard you two were doing so well!?

Also, sounds like there are alot of cunts around your area. After reading all that i sincerely feel sorry for the way your life has been so far, you certainly don't deserve the shit people throw at you, especially when all you ever wanted was a happy home for your child.

I'd hug you if my arms reached across continents

 

[Koloth]

I know how bitter I sound, but if you knew him. And i actually like his gf we've been out, went to see muse together last year, shes lovely but if it wasnt for her, he'd never see ellie at all. I cant believe shes mad enough to tie herself to him for life, she knows first hand what hes like.

She will probably endup with him running off on her too. Once a jerk always a jerk. I also feel for the child she will have.

Neither of you deserve such a jerk. I really hope you find somebody who can help you with Elle. Shame her dad is a total failure.

As for giving up on his visiting your daughter, she might later resent you for it. But on another note, you don't need the stress of not knowing if he will showup. I would say don't try so hard to make it easy for him to visit her. Make him feel responsible for paying his own way.

Hang in there, Kelly.

 

[Shu]

Hmm, I can't quite be empathetic since I have no idea what it's like, but I can say a few things. I know you are blowing off steam about this, and since I'm a fella.. maybe I deserve no word in this, but the dude sounds like he never really has been a proper dad. I have never really known any single parents yet, but then again my friends are all immature like sort of myself at time. Meaning not ready to have a kid, wouldn't know what to do with it (speaking from a guy).

Though what I can say, is if I did have a child and broke off from the mother.. I would do my damndest to be a good father, despite being on a crazy terms with the mother. I have no idea if I would be a good father figure, but you aren't a man sometimes until you have something worth fighting for. If you can't even watch after your own daughter, then what the hell sort of man does this make him. Passing judgment I guess is easy for me, since I've never been in his shoes, but talking to someone like yourself Kelly, I do understand that it blows. You might want to be selfish a bit and get away and have a drink or two, but hell, you also are looking out for Ellie and making sure she has the best. Bah..

 

[Rapture]

Ohh Kels, I'm so sorry. If I were you I'd be pretty bitter and have a dim outlook on men as well.

I don't understand why some guys are the way that they are. They can just move on from woman to woman...possibly having kids with them and not giving a crap for their baby's mother, or the baby. The way I see it is that sperm alone does not entitle someone to be a father...the same goes for a woman. Just because you have the equipment to have a child does not mean one is mentally/financially/emotionally "equipped" to be able to handle parenthood.

Sometimes I'd say its good for a child to have SOME kind of father figure in their life to be able to look up to. But, this D-Bag doesn't even sound worth Ellie's time. It's best for her to have a good firm father figure in her life rather than someone who is always going to place her second to their own needs. In my opinion it would be best to shield her from the drama this guy is no doubt going to bring. She deserves better and better is obviously not this guy.

We can say what we want about this subject here on the forum, but ultimately its going to be you to decide what is best. Trust your instincts and follow your heart. He might change and he might not....though after the long history you provided my money is on him not changing. Still, hang in there. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Bambi]

I've pretty much just said, Im not trying any more. I've left the ball in his court - or rather his girlfriends seeing as he was too much of a shit bag to speak to me. She said it was unfair of me to stop him seeing her because they all care about her up there - but its him at the end of the day that needs to pull his finger out. im sick of the stress. Ive said i dont want to say no, that's it youre not seeing her anymore - i jsut said im not trying anymore. No more contact from me ever again. Its up to him to make the moves now. Just gunna see how it goes from there really

And it turns out he WAS lying about her being too ill to come down - she said that she'd told him to accept my offer herself.

For the record, my mums not a complete twat, she just comes out with the most insensitive shit sometimes and it winds me the fuck up. We'll be talking again in a few more days. She just needs to realise that just because she had it rough, doesn't mean i cant complain about it when im having a shit day

Not sure about the sitch with the boyfriend. We're still talking and that - we get on fine, im just not sure we're compatible in a relationship sense. So we're just gunna see how we get on for the time being

 

[Tmoo]

my sympathies lie with your daughter. i wish her a good childhood filled with diverse experiences, which doesn't include a jerk father who sounds more likely to fuck her mind up with misconceptions about men.

if he's that much of an ass, leave him where he is. the little one's probably better off with no father than a prick.

 

[Jack's Smirking Revenge]

i think you've done the right thing by preventing him from seeing her. it will seriously mess her up later in life if he fleets in and out of it like he has been, and she will need a bit of solidarity and consistency from him.
i was going to suggest talking to his missus about it, but by the sound of it you have and that hasn't done anything either. i'm sure that one day he'll get the reality check he needs, and by then you both might see it all in a different light and can wok something out.

i would just recommend against keeping ellie from seeing him if she wants to when she's older, cos that would probably be bad for everyone.

 

[Bambi]

So, hes threatened me with a solicitor (lol)

I know he won't, he doesnt have a leg to stand on, but Im getting legal advice in the morning to see exactly where I stand

My mum (we're talking again now) said to not stop him point blank just yet - just dont make the effort and keep a diary of all the times he lets you down. Then its all there documented for when you do say, fine, get a solicitor I'm doing the same

Ive got enough people to back me up however it goes. I even have messages off his GF on facebook that would go in my favour against him

Still not talking to Phil, dinner just didnt happen yetsterday. So I think that's teh end of that story as well

 

[Sepalcure]

A solicitor? Ah a lawyer, duh, sorry I'm really bad with UK terminology and things of that nature. Wow, he sounds like a right prick. To be honest I can only put in my two cents since I can totally relate to maybe not your situation per se but being raised by a single parent. My dad up and left when I was a newborn, he didn't even come to see my mom when she was preggers with me. He ran off, impregnated two more women, and thus I have as a result: an older brother and younger twin brothers. I don't even really know my father or my siblings that well because my dad continuously drifts in and out of my life as he sees fit.

So what did my mother do? Well she decided to cut all ties with him save for financial support and needless to say my dad tried to make a turn around recently. He just was not a fit parent and for all intents and purposes, to me he doesn't know how to be at least a decent father. I no longer, well I never really, loved him so when my stepdad came along I did and still do turn to him for any advice because he raised his three children by himself so he knows how to be a dad.

For you, well I can only offer you support I really hope that the legal issues get straightened out if it does turn serious. Hopefully he won't try to file for custody or joint custody because that's a messy situation, I think it would be better if you just removed Ellie from that sort of dramatic turmoil. I personally still feel hurt over what my dad did because I can never trust him like that because there were promises he used to make that he would never follow through with. But yeah enough of my sob story, lol.

As for your current beau since you said the dinner that you guys were planning to have, didn't go too well, then yeah don't think too much of it. I mean I personally would probably try to contact this Phil guy only because I'd want to know what was up and if I didn't get a response then I'd just give up. But only you know what's best for your daughter, for you, and for your life.

I can only suggest that for her sake, surround her with loving, caring people. Try to find father figures for her from now, whether it be a close friend, a sibling (I dunno if you have a brother), a close cousin, or just some form of a relative that's a male that you trust with your child. Because fostering that relationship will benefit her so much more for her when she's older. I can't even go into how fucked up my dad made my life, how I can't even legitimately feel love from him no matter how many times he tells me. You don't want your child to go through that so just continue being a wonderful mother until you can find some male figure that's responsible and loving enough to guide Ellie in the right direction.

I think at some point, every child should have two parents in their lives, you know, two different perspectives and just someone to turn to when their other parent isn't there. But that's just my two cents, I hope it works out for the best, and I know you're bitter, life is tough, but keep your head up. You sound like a wonderful person that just wants their child to be happy and that just wants their life to be easier and happier and one day you will get that because you truly deserve it.

 

[Donald Trump]

I suspect you'd know better than most people what it's like not seeing your dad when you're growing up. So you're in better position to make that decision than most of us. Perhaps a shithouse dad is better than no dad at all, to have loved and lost etc etc.
I think if you threaten to prevent his from seeing Ellie he will try harder to see her, in as much as hiring a lawyer so that he has the right to do so if he so wishes. People are like children like that, take something away from them, even if it's something they don't like and they'll want to get it back.
It'd probably be easier if you said he can come see Ellie at certain times etc etc, make him do all the work.
I don't think it would be a good thing for anyone especially Ellie if she has to learn about her parents having a fight in court, plus all that legal shit is expensive.