Serious Am I right In the head or no?!?!

Sexy Beast

Sexy Beast

A beast into the jungle of life
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Okay, so before you go and judge me, take a good read, and then make your mind up whether or not I'm an attention whore.

Okay so in the past week or so, I've been thinking of what has happened to me in the last year and a half.

First and definitely most important, I graduated high school, and that was the most important to me. Secondly, I've been productive in my writing, and graphic design, and that too is something that makes me happy. Now here is where the bad part kicks in. The final thing that happened to me this year and ahalf was that I got my heart broken and not yet healed from it.

It was in the winter of 09, and I was "dating" this girl that I met through my sister, and everything was great. To be frankly honest, I thought that I found someone who really understood me, and really got me - and I did. Even though that was true, there was one bad thing with all of this: her Ex. She was going through mixed feelings for her EX and I. Your probably thinking I was the rebound or something. So, yeah that might of been true, but I really didn't care at the time. It wasn't until one horrible night that she informed me that she was pregnant with his child. And right then and there, I was totally crushed. It was then that I felt so lost, and had no perspective of anything. It was at this time of my life that I came to terms that life wasn't worth living and all that crap.

It's been over a year since all of that has happened, and even to this very day, I still think of the sorrow and despair she put me through, and I'm even thinking of the very thing that scared my whole family to death, and not to mention all of my friends(those i felt comfortable telling, anyways). Just yesterday, I found myself going through my dresser for a knife that I keep in there for protection just in case someone tries to break in or something xD. I always come so close to cutting my wrist, but I always chicken out at the last second. But I fear that, one day I might actually cut my wrist, and I'm scared to death about the consequenses, and what they might hold for my family and friends. I love them all very much, and I always have to put on a "mask" of sorts to just keep them from asking question after question about if I'm alright or not.

What I'm really asking is that, am I going crazy or something? To tell the truth, I'm really lost:-)sad3:), and I just need the right guidence, even if its the blunt truth.
 
WEll FFS dont kill your self son, an abosolute answer like that is only used for an absolute question or problem, and what you described in OP is neither of them, some kind of reality check is needed here I think.

Your fucking 19 not even a 1/4 of a century old yet, you have know idea what is to come! these aren't the best years of your life, they are still to come, one bad experience like this girl you went out with..............not worth killing your self over.

You know that sparkle of doubt when you dont kill your self that is your true self screaming out WTF am I doing even in your darkest hour self preservation has a an influence, I would find it listen to it and be guided by it.

Killing yourself is a disproportionate response to your problems, it far more beneficial if you face your problems and learn from them.

Im in a really bad mood right and this pissed me off no end, Take some more affirmative control of your emotions!
 
Nah, you're definitely not crazy. You're just going through a rough patch because of what happened to your ex. Honestly, this kind of feeling has happened to all of us for one reason or another. I remember feeling the same way myself during my senior year in high school when nothing was going right for me. And the thing that brought me back from ever thinking such things again was having something happen to reassure me that life isn't worth losing.

I think in your case, you just need to find another girlfriend. I think you've been sort of scarred with how people can be, but a new, and good girlfriend would be something to help you feel that life is worth living for the happiness that it can bring. Naturally finding another girlfriend isn't easy, I'm just saying that you should at least give it another chance.

Best of luck, sir! I hope everything works out for ya. :ryan:
 
I can understand the heartbreak (and in this case it is a very extreme situation which has led to this heartbreak), and the suicidal urges. The mind can be incredibly irrational under different circumstances, and this is one of those.

You have to keep telling yourself that you are only 19. That you had found a girlfriend at that age anyway is a good sign, for it means that you may be more likely to find one again in the near future, hopefully one that is much better suited for you. You’ve been messed with here, and it is very wrong, but it wasn’t your wrong. You’ve just had an unfortunate experience, and it is undoubtedly going to knock you back a bit, knock your confidence and upset you.

Don’t be alarmed by what is going on in your head. Relax and try to tackle your own thoughts. The longer you let the cycle of darkness spiral in your head, the harder it is to get out of it. Try and stop it as soon as you can. If you struggle to tackle it, perhaps think about consulting a therapist of some sort. Despite what people say, there is no shame in trying to sort out underlying issues rather than letting them develop and get out of control.

Also, don’t feel ashamed of the urges to do yourself harm, so long as you don’t actually do it. I have an incredibly strong urge to jump off a bridge whenever I walk over one, but I don’t do it, and I know that I don’t want to. Since you do pull yourself away from it then that, to me, is a good sign that you are very much alive, and deep down you know you have much to live for still.

You're not crazy. No man is 100% sane, for the brain is very irrational, and rationality is taken for granted. Don't worry too much about how crazy you think you may be getting, but focus on trying to change the thoughts. You never know, if another girl enters your life then your thoughts may change naturally anyway.
 
I think timing is important in terms of the pregnancy. I mean, were she and you dating when she became pregnant by him? Or did it happen before you two started dating, and she just didn't tell you? I'd be pissed if it was the former, but the latter is forgivable, and somewhat understandable.

But either way, it seems you two are done, so it's time to move on. You made a mistake, she made a bad decision. It's nothing worth ending your life over. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and most importantly, there are ones that don't get knocked up by their ex-boyfriends. :monster:

You might want to consider talking to someone professional about what's going on though, if this depression continues.
 
I think you need to stop thinking about the past, it was 18 months ago, if you carry on thinking about something that has already happened and can do nothing about now, you are causing yourself pain and negativity over something that now can't be changed.

Yeah it must've been pretty crushing, everyone has something like that that they go through at some point, it's kind of one of life's challenges, if you can come out of it fighting and still alive then you're doing something right, right?

What you need is to find something that will make you feel happy again, happy enough to forget about the past and concentrate on the present and future, think about your family, career, friends that are around you, you are as everyone else says, still young. So get out there and live your life, eventually things will pick up and yeah, the past will still be there, but it won't be as influencial as the good things in your life.

I probably don't make much sense, and this probably won't help you much, but this way of thinking is what helps me get through life. But I hope this helps you a little bit, good luck with everything :)
 
We all deal with emotional break up and my suggestion to you is if you have not resolved this withing yourself, you need to talk to an unbiased part with a psychological degree. No, you are not "crazy" but you are suffering a lot worse then what a normal human being would suffer. Attempting suicide is a cry for help. I suggest maybe talking to someone and get to the root of the problem. You spent 18 months suffering, you need to find a way to get happiness again. It sounds like your life was stable and then she came in and damaged your stability. No one person should have that power and it is something deeply rooted in you. So, I suggest just talking to someone and maybe they can help you. You are generally reacting like most people do but 18 months latter. Maybe it is time for a change.
 
I think as everybody knows I'm no stranger to heartbreak. So I completely understand. I personally never attempted suicide/wrist cutting cause I don't have the guts.. but dwelling over the past, oho.. I'm there bud.

It's okay to feel as you are.. to me, from the way things ended, you didn't get very much closure from the situation.. and without closure, it makes it a lot harder to move on. I was able to finally move on from mine when I asked my ex for the plane ticket money he owed me and he turned into a complete douche. Made it a LOT easier to move on.

With you, it sounds like right from the get go your relationship was very wishy washy. You say you were dating.. but the whole time she was also dating someone else, so it wasn't ever final that she was YOUR and only YOUR girlfriend. So there's a lot of unfinished business, what with the way she just sort of happened to get pregnant by him and then just sorta left.. it wasn't like you were together definitely and she cheated.. she was seeing you both.

I'm rambling... Anyway, it's okay to grieve over a relationship.. but 18 months later, it's time to move on. And especially if you're having some emotional health issues with wanting to cut yourself, you should definitely talk to someone about it. Be it a friend, family, therapist or counsellor or sorts.

You will eventually feel better buddy... maybe not today maybe not tomorrow.. but someday.
 
I'm sorry... I really don't get people who cut themselves... when you think about grabbing the knife....just....don't? Its not really hard....

Its been like over a year now, find a new GF.
 
Well it's been about a year or so since you were in a relationship with someone. Oi, I was in your position once, terribly suicidal. It's a selfish thing, to think of ending your life. Just like you, I'd take up the knife, get it as close to my wrist as possible, and then panic. Most people that seriously contemplate suicide have a sudden flooding of reality, they freak out, and seriously think about what it is that they're doing. Once you're gone, that's it. Think of it that way.

That said, if you're crazy than I must have been a mad hatter. Way I got out of your position was by talking to my friends. I never bottled up anything that I felt and I don't ever plan to. I use any outlet that I can to get my feelings out. For you, you've been bottling up any sort of sadness, doubt, pain, self-pity, and possible anger that you may have inside of you.

Our emotional capacity is limited. We can only keep so much anxiety and pain inside of ourselves before we turn to irrationality. The simplest key to not picking up that knife and finding out if you really can do some damage is talking to someone. Get it all out in the open, but do it in small baby steps. Start with a friend you trust, tell them exactly how you feel, how this ex girlfriend of yours betrayed your trust and ultimately broke your heart.

Then surround yourself with a support system when you're ready: friends and family, let them all in. You can never have enough warmth and love in your life, especially in your darkest moments. Hon, you're only a year older than me, life is way too short for us, eh? You have to keep your head up, you've graduated from high school, you've got a passion and a talent it seems for graphic design. Focus on your future, your goals, the fact that you get to wake up every morning and breathe fresh air.

Getting another girlfriend is not the key at this point, you need to find yourself, heal, and go down a path of self recovery. When I was depressed from breaking up with my very first ex I never decided to jump into another relationship until I was ready. Not only would it be unfair to you but you'd also be doing a great disservice to the young girl who'd have her heart captured, because your heart would not be fully invested in it. I feel that you should only decide to take a dip into the dating pool when you're happy, confident in yourself, and free of any harmful/detrimental thoughts. You do NOT want to enter into a relationship when you're in such a state of emotional turmoil, before making anyone else happy, make yourself happy first.

Take care, love. And just take it one day at a time, because eventually as painful as it is . . . you do have to let go of what happened over a year ago.
 
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Sexy Beast said:
Okay, so before you go and judge me, take a good read, and then make your mind up whether or not I'm an attention whore.

Okay so in the past week or so, I've been thinking of what has happened to me in the last year and a half.

First and definitely most important, I graduated high school, and that was the most important to me. Secondly, I've been productive in my writing, and graphic design, and that too is something that makes me happy. Now here is where the bad part kicks in. The final thing that happened to me this year and ahalf was that I got my heart broken and not yet healed from it.

It was in the winter of 09, and I was "dating" this girl that I met through my sister, and everything was great. To be frankly honest, I thought that I found someone who really understood me, and really got me - and I did. Even though that was true, there was one bad thing with all of this: her Ex. She was going through mixed feelings for her EX and I. Your probably thinking I was the rebound or something. So, yeah that might of been true, but I really didn't care at the time. It wasn't until one horrible night that she informed me that she was pregnant with his child. And right then and there, I was totally crushed. It was then that I felt so lost, and had no perspective of anything. It was at this time of my life that I came to terms that life wasn't worth living and all that crap.

It's been over a year since all of that has happened, and even to this very day, I still think of the sorrow and despair she put me through, and I'm even thinking of the very thing that scared my whole family to death, and not to mention all of my friends(those i felt comfortable telling, anyways). Just yesterday, I found myself going through my dresser for a knife that I keep in there for protection just in case someone tries to break in or something xD. I always come so close to cutting my wrist, but I always chicken out at the last second. But I fear that, one day I might actually cut my wrist, and I'm scared to death about the consequenses, and what they might hold for my family and friends. I love them all very much, and I always have to put on a "mask" of sorts to just keep them from asking question after question about if I'm alright or not.

What I'm really asking is that, am I going crazy or something? To tell the truth, I'm really lost:-)sad3:), and I just need the right guidence, even if its the blunt truth.
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You're not going crazy, i can say that much for certain. The emotions that woman put you through have made a permanent scar in your heart, and trust me, no matter what happens it's not going to fade away as quick as you think.

I experienced something similar with my 1st girlfriend so i know how you feel. The way i got through it was simply by explaining everything to my friends and asking them for advice.

When it happened with me, well i have a big jealous streak so it would've tuned out really bad if i didn't consult with my friends, and i'm sure it'll be the same for you. If they really care for you (friends and family), they'll understand and help you through it.

On a more positive note, us here at FFF are here for you if you want to talk :)
 
Please don't do it...just please...don't. I know I don't personally "know you" but I know I'd care for anyone who feels like doing something so permanent is the last way out. If you ever feel like you don't have anyone else to talk to, pm me or something. I know it sounds cheesy but sometimes it just helps to have someone to talk to when the going gets rough.

First, if you've been feeling like this and you can't seem to move on from this point...you need to talk to someone...and I mean a psychiatrist. Go to your Dr's if you can and tell them how you have been feeling and ask them if they can recommend someone for you. You sound like you are very depressed and need someone to talk to with the possibility of some medication. We all get depressed, but it is not normal to get so depressed to the point where you think the only option out is to end your life. If you get in a bind there are hotlines that you can call as well: 1-800-273 TALK

Finally, some may laugh because I am taking what he says so seriously. I personally have dealt with people in my profession as well as IRL that have talked about committing suicide and have followed through with it... and I would never wish the heartache from it on the friends/family of anyone.

...and as everyone has said, its been a year and you have to move on. I know you are sad and hurt ...and if you are having problems moving on, it is probably because you are depressed. Just know that some things are out of your control...and you can't fret over what you can't control.
 
I agree with what's being said, you should definitely step back and stop thinking about doing something that's so permanent. Not only might you regret it the second you do it, but the way I see it, there's no guarantee that whatever happens after we die (if anything) would be any better--it could be a thousand times worse for all we know, and there's no guarantee that it would ease your pain either. Plus, as other people have said here, it would make those close to you miserable.

There's no sense in giving up the life you have now when there's a good chance someone else will come along who can make you happy. At least in the meantime, try to talk to people about your problems, and enjoy spending time hanging out with your friends and family and stuff. I know when I went through a bunch of lonely/heartbroken years, I tried to do other things to occupy my time to distract me, so if you have any interesting hobbies you could focus on, or any fun one-person things you've always wanted to do, then I would say maybe try to do that to help get your mind off of things. If it's been this long and it still bothers you then it might be hard, but at some point you do just have to kind of let it go.

And especially if you don't ever see her anymore--if you still do then it is harder, but if you have no contact with this person anymore, then just treat her like an annoying shadow in the back of your head and push her out of your mind. Think about the here and now, and what you want to do with the rest of your life--you've got a good 80 years to go, there's so much cool stuff you could do with that time. Being goal-oriented is something that can help too--maybe set up some personal goals for yourself and try to accomplish them or something, it does work at least from my experience.

In any case, don't let someone else control your life like that, because that's essentially what she would be doing. She's the one who fucked up, after all, and someone like that is not even worth talking to, let alone dying for. No matter how someone like that treats you, you're valuable as a person, and you deserve to have a happy life, and don't ever let anyone try to make you feel otherwise :mokken:
 
Leaving my opinions on suicide out here, because they aren't helpful, I have for you two very noteworthy things to ponder:

1stly, you're only 19. Brain chemistry continues shifting until the age of 24-26. Making any major life decisions (killing yourself included, obviously) before you hit around then can be a terribly shitty idea. This is worth thinking about for two reasons:
1. If you never make it to then, you'll never get the chance to know who you really are and what you can become.
2. Odds are decent you'll look back once you get there and not just think "wow, suicide was a shitty idea" but also "how the fuck did I even like a girl like that?" I've certainly been there.

2ndly, Most 80 year-olds say their 70s were the best years of their life. Most 70 year-olds say their 60s were the best years of their life. Most 60 year-olds say their 50s were the best years of their life. It continues from there. From what I hear, things only get better as you go, so take a deep breath, forget about that girl or think about her all you want, but think most about the fact that life only gets better from here. Do you really want to miss out on that?

That's all I've got.
 
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