Serious Addendum: He did it again

[Channizard]

Some of you may remember my very depressing thread a few weeks ago. Where my guy just broke up with me from out of nowhere. Well a few days after it initially happened, he came forward and told me there was something else going on. He had some issues in his head that he decided he needed to see a therapist for. He had gotten scared, his mind was playing games with him, and he didn't know what he was doing at the time. I thought, okay, I'll give him one last chance.

He had done something like this in the past before. Back near the beginning of our relationship, he got scared and ran off, unsure of how to deal with a relationship. This was the third time he'd done it.. but because it was different than the others, I gave him one last chance, and he agreed to come to Canada since the plane ticket had already been bought. He would come for a visit and it would give us a chance to talk face to face for once.

Then yesterday, I started a small argument over how we don't have much to talk about online anymore and it's awkward... but then somehow this just escalated into a huge blow out of confessions... I still don't trust him 100% after three years, I'm afraid he was going to do it again... He doesn't trust himself to not do it again.. He doesn't trust me and gets paranoid whenever I get called into work, thinking I'm going off with somebody else.

In the end, there was no trust. On either side.

This was when he called it off. Without any trust, he assumed that later on after the two week visit and we're stuck to online again, that he would end up doing what he had done in the past.. alone with his thoughts, his doubts, gets scared, and pulls the plug. So, he tried to spare me the hurt later, and pulled the plug now.

I'm just so... angry. I'm so angry with him for not even giving the visit a chance, it was next thursday. That was the whole point was so that we had a chance to talk face to face, and just get it all out in the open. Try and decide what's going on in our future and to just get it all out.

I feel like such a fool.. he'd done this to me a few weeks ago and I was foolish enough to give him another chance then, and to go through this all over again now. I thought I was done hurting, but now... it was a fucking week away, it hurts so much more. He couldn't even give it a chance for us to talk. He said talking wouldn't do anything else at this point.

Now for the next week I have to go to work everyday, everybody all "Oh, how many days now Chantelle? What are you guys gonna do?" I work every day until the day he was gonna get in, I really don't know how I'm going to face work, I just feel like such an idiot.. running around, counting down days "Oh, we fixed it now, it's all okay!" ...It's not okay.

This isn't a pity party thread to try get attention or make people feel bad for me, I just don't have anybody else to turn to about this. I've aliented a whole forum of friends I used to have, because he came first and there was conflict between him and them. I gave up so many people.. so much money for plane tickets that never got used... I gave up the last 2 years for schooling because getting him in the country came first.... After 3 years of so much sacrifice, what am I left with? I have nothing..

 

[Gaige]

Three years is a long time, but this guy is totally unable to commit, trust and be trusted. D= You might hurt (understatement) now, but sooner rather than later, somebody will realize you for what you are and actually give you a stable, secure relationship.

Someone you love needs to be someone you can trust totally. Obviously you don't need to tell them absolutely every little detail and vice versa, but it's the belief that you CAN that really makes it whole. If that trust isn't there, there's a hole. It's sad, but you've seen that space, and it's too much, which is totally understandable.

Don't let his mental issues get you down. You're fucking awesome, Channy, and it's only a matter of time before someone sees that. Go back out there and face the world, fake smile, tears, anything, and you'll find it gets easier before long. Stay strong. You have all of our support.

 

[Harlequin]

I'm sorry to hear it Channy.

I think you have to understand why he couldn't come over rather than take it hard - which I know must be difficult. If I was in his shoes the last thing I'd want to do is travel however far to a girl's house just to say it's over...then stay with her in her house. It would be too awkward to bear so at least you've been spared that particular debacle.

Obviously I'd agree that if he was going to break it off doing so earlier would have been the best option. Letting you tell relatives and friends only to get blindsided by this isn't necessarily callous of him, but it is irresponsible.

Maybe he couldn't tell you? Maybe he didn't want to hurt you?

I'm not saying that's the case nor am I saying you shouldn't feel hurt, but maybe he just wasn't big enough to tell you what you needed to hear for fear of his own conscience and in the end is that really a quality you want in a partner? Surely trust is everything, especially so in long distance relationships?

This doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over, but I'd suggest you take proceedings into your own hands. If you want to get back together but he doesn't I say take it as a learning experience and move on, the heartbreak of a protracted breakup isn't good for your health and there really are plenty more fish in the sea.

As for the sacrifices you've made, dwelling over them only makes them worse. Just concentrate on rebuilding. My advice for the future is not to invest so heavily, both emotionally as well as financially, so early on in the relationship because these things can and often will happen.

I hope that whatever happens it works out for you Channy.

 

[Saix]

Really Channy, there's nothing more anyone else can say to you about it beyond the rudimentary; there are lessons to be learned - however hard they may be - from any experience. It's just unfortunate that yours was so costly, in so many ways.

I can only say that I hope you move on and don't dwell on the past. You've plenty of time ahead of you to get on with your life, and forge something anew - so start now. The social aspects may not exactly be comfortable (ie your workmates asking how it's going etc) but it's never easy for anyone.


I just wish you luck. =/

 

[Channizard]

Three years is a long time, but this guy is totally unable to commit, trust and be trusted. D= You might hurt (understatement) now, but sooner rather than later, somebody will realize you for what you are and actually give you a stable, secure relationship.

Don't let his mental issues get you down. You're fucking awesome, Channy, and it's only a matter of time before someone sees that. Go back out there and face the world, fake smile, tears, anything, and you'll find it gets easier before long. Stay strong. You have all of our support.

I know it probably is for the best to have done it now... I just hate that he dangled the hope of possibly working it out, and putting me back in a state of happiness for a few weeks. If it hadnt gone on like it did, I'd have a couple hundred dollars left from the flight connections.. I'd maybe even be slightly over it by now, hopefully at least out of the crying stage, but now... I just have to go through it all over again.

I'm sorry to hear it Channy.

I think you have to understand why he couldn't come over rather than take it hard - which I know must be difficult. If I was in his shoes the last thing I'd want to do is travel however far to a girl's house just to say it's over...then stay with her in her house. It would be too awkward to bear so at least you've been spared that particular debacle.

Obviously I'd agree that if he was going to break it off doing so earlier would have been the best option. Letting you tell relatives and friends only to get blindsided by this isn't necessarily callous of him, but it is irresponsible.

Maybe he couldn't tell you? Maybe he didn't want to hurt you?

It's just... such a cowardly way to go about it. And it's not the first time either, it's the fourth. Which is why I'm so sure that it's over, because he knows he's capable of doing it again... But I'm not going to put myself through it again, I'm done.

As for the sacrifices you've made, dwelling over them only makes them worse. Just concentrate on rebuilding. My advice for the future is not to invest so heavily, both emotionally as well as financially, so early on in the relationship because these things can and often will happen.

I hope that whatever happens it works out for you Channy.

Really Channy, there's nothing more anyone else can say to you about it beyond the rudimentary; there are lessons to be learned - however hard they may be - from any experience. It's just unfortunate that yours was so costly, in so many ways.

I can only say that I hope you move on and don't dwell on the past. You've plenty of time ahead of you to get on with your life, and forge something anew - so start now. The social aspects may not exactly be comfortable (ie your workmates asking how it's going etc) but it's never easy for anyone.

I just wish you luck. =/

Thanks. Unfortunately dwelling is all I do.. when I'm stuck at work for several hours just peeling veg or cleaning the kitchen, I'm left alone with my thoughts all day.. I don't know how to move forward, everytime I just get held back by myself.

 

[blakstang98]

Well, as I said in your other thread, cutting all ties and moving on is the best way to go. Most relationships tend to have this sort of "lets try to get back together and make it work" phase after a breakup. Cutting it off altogether prevents the 2nd heartbreak from happening. But, you learn from these things, so even though it hurts, now you know next time (if there's a next time). As I've told many people in the past, you can never look back at an old relationship and think "wow, I just lost all that time, and for nothing", because even in a relationship that ends badly, you learned something from it. Experience is very valuable when trying to make a relationship work. You can use this experience to help understand situations better and take a better approach to them, even if it's after a break-up.

And as you said about feeling awkward talking to the ex afterwards, that's definitely the case. With my last ex, we had agreed to be friends after our mutual break-up. But everytime I talked to her, I was very uncomfortable and just didn't want to bother with her. So I eventually blocked and deleted her, it's the better move for my sanity. Cutting all ties is just a lot easier in the long run. Will feelings get hurt? I doubt it's worse than what already happened. But for sanity sake, definitely the wiser choice in the big picture.

 

[Channizard]

Yeah, in the mean time I've moved his screenname to a different group so I don't have to see it everyday on msn... just while he's pulling together the cash that he owes me for the plane ticket connections... which, he's nearly paid off one I believe, now it's just the other... where we left off on the big flight ticket I'm not sure, and I certainly don't want to try contact him about it for fear of just.. breaking down and begging him back.

But after this being the fourth time, I know that after the money thing.. I have to just, cut him out. I won't be able to go on otherwise. I dunno what to do with all his stuff here, he's gonna want back.. and his has my psp.. ugh, the awful exchange of things.

 

[Harlequin]

Its good to hear he's paying you back for bailing on you, but it sounds to me like you don't want this to be the end.

The best advice I could give you is just to live for yourself and look out for number one because as brutal as it might sound no one else will. Don't worry about him and what he could do for you (emotionally, financially, etc), just concentrate on how you can help yourself through this. I really believe happiness can only be found in yourself.

 

[Shu]

The dude sounds like a real head case, but who am I to judge? I know long distances suck, and I wouldn't care to have another as long as I live. So for you, all I can say is, it's time to move on.

The slightest mention of talking about him could bring back memories. If it means moving to get away from the memories, try to do so. Seriously, sometimes I think people get lost in the memories they had with one another and can't pull themselves out of the hole. So they fall to other substances which make them feel better just to get by without ending themselves. I know it's a harsh way of thinking, but some folks are glued to that person like a fly on .. well you get the idea.

My main thought is, you have to make changes in your life at this point for a full makeover if you want to move on or else you'll be stuck last in line. You probably have folks reaching out to you, but ignore the obvious because of the plain hurt you feel. I would try to do stuff you haven't done in ages, before the relationship(s).

It ain't gonna be easy, but if you get to where you are going in life, or have some direction you'll at least have a motivation or a kick. Think about it like this, if he doesn't see the value of this relationship, he obviously doesn't want you. A therapist can't tell you to love or hate someone, they can only offer you an ear and/or meds.

 

[GalaxyFlare]

I dunno what to do with all his stuff here, he's gonna want back.. and his has my psp.. ugh, the awful exchange of things.

3rd party interjection Channi..................get someone else to handle that part of it.

Say um does this involve that large amount of money you had the exchange problem with?

A nasty event to be sure.............but trust is almost everything in a relationship,with out it its just a couple of people standing around and MSN is a bitch for maintaining relationships........l havent spoken to my GF on there for almost 2 weeks, but she lives 8 clicks up the road.

The point is you face to face contact may not have helped the situation at all?

 

[Channizard]

Its good to hear he's paying you back for bailing on you, but it sounds to me like you don't want this to be the end.

The best advice I could give you is just to live for yourself and look out for number one because as brutal as it might sound no one else will. Don't worry about him and what he could do for you (emotionally, financially, etc), just concentrate on how you can help yourself through this. I really believe happiness can only be found in yourself.

I really wish it wasn't the end. I wish he would have at least given the visit a chance to try and talk shit out, but he wouldn't even give it that. And if he wouldn't try, then there's nothing I can do. I can't force him to be with me.

The dude sounds like a real head case, but who am I to judge? I know long distances suck, and I wouldn't care to have another as long as I live. So for you, all I can say is, it's time to move on.

The slightest mention of talking about him could bring back memories. If it means moving to get away from the memories, try to do so. Seriously, sometimes I think people get lost in the memories they had with one another and can't pull themselves out of the hole. So they fall to other substances which make them feel better just to get by without ending themselves. I know it's a harsh way of thinking, but some folks are glued to that person like a fly on .. well you get the idea.

My main thought is, you have to make changes in your life at this point for a full makeover if you want to move on or else you'll be stuck last in line. You probably have folks reaching out to you, but ignore the obvious because of the plain hurt you feel. I would try to do stuff you haven't done in ages, before the relationship(s).

It ain't gonna be easy, but if you get to where you are going in life, or have some direction you'll at least have a motivation or a kick. Think about it like this, if he doesn't see the value of this relationship, he obviously doesn't want you. A therapist can't tell you to love or hate someone, they can only offer you an ear and/or meds.

You've really got a point there. Unfortunately at this stage in life I'm waiting on a couple month waiting list to get knee surgery again, which I had him around for the first time. That is gonna be the real kicker.. to have to be stuck in a bed for 3 months without him to help me through it. I went insane the first time, feeling so useless and crappy. Now it's gonna be worse.

Of course after that, I can go back to the gym and start to rebuild my body again, and get strength back into my legs... after all this is done by summer next year, I'll hopefully be able to go to culinary school and actually make something of myself. I still live with my folks so all of this isn't really cost effective, but still.

3rd party interjection Channi..................get someone else to handle that part of it.

Say um does this involve that large amount of money you had the exchange problem with?

A nasty event to be sure.............but trust is almost everything in a relationship,with out it its just a couple of people standing around and MSN is a bitch for maintaining relationships........l havent spoken to my GF on there for almost 2 weeks, but she lives 8 clicks up the road.

The point is you face to face contact may not have helped the situation at all?

Large amount of money? That 1900$ a while ago I was talking about? Well, a couple weeks ago he agreed if I pursued the lawsuit, I could keep all of it, as long as he didn't owe me then for the cross country flight.. Which was pretty good, but either way, I wasn't going to tell him about it. It DID 90% come out of my wages since I made more at the time.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

That really is crap that he gave you hope once again only to shoot you down once more.

I've never been in this situation before so I can't really offer any real advice other than what I think I would do if I were in this situation.

The only person who can love you more than anyone is yourself. You need to do what's best for you and make yourself happy. He's not doing either of these things for you right now and from the sounds of it he's not going to anytime soon.

He sounds a little confused and doesn't even know how to take care of himself at this stage let alone you.

The quicker you let go, the faster the process of getting over him and moving on will be.

Hanging onto anything is only going to cause more pain and I can relate to this area of things.

Hanging onto little things such as a phone number can really make it so much harder to move on.

I remember getting rid of the last few things that I had of my ex boyfriends such as numbers, MSN, photos etc. It was extremely hard but I had to do it or I wouldn't be where I am today.

I look back now at all the time I wasted with them but some good came out of it. I learned a lot of lessons and a lot about what I did and didn't want in my life. I became more independent and a lot happier with myself.

Of course at the time you won't see it that way, but years down the track you'll notice the huge favour you did for yourself however many years ago.

Good luck with everything. <3

 

[Channizard]

Somehow, as the last couple days have gone by, I've managed to feel a bit better... it's come a lot easier this time around than it did a few weeks ago. I'm able to read the thread and respond without bursting into tears.. I've managed to keep from hanging myself at work and not think about it with all the spare time I have there. It's.. gotten better, slowly.

I'm still having issues coping though. I still have him on my msn, I haven't managed to delete him.. and it's been driving me mad how something so simple has suddenly become so hard. Not only that, but I haven't seen him online since.. and I wonder 'ogod, has he blocked and deleted me? Is he out already trying to get over it?'

...this is what I do, I overanalyze everything. =/

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

...this is what I do, I overanalyze everything. =/

To be honest I think most women overanalyse things. =P

A girl could ask her boyfriend out for the night and he may respond with, 'I'm too tired.'

Girls will always overanalyse any little thing and think that maybe he's out with another girl etc. >.<

Guys (most guys) on the other hand think nothing more of it if the same thing were to happen to them. I wish I had that sort of switch in my brain.

But anyway, it's good to see that you're getting through this a lot better then before.

It really is a tough thing to go through, but the way I see it, it's good that he's in a totally different country.

This way you don't have a chance of running into him or anything like that which may hurt you once more. =/

As long as things are getting better you're on the right path. =)

 

[Channizard]

I wish I had a switch that I can just turn... everything off right now. My ability to care, the water works, my paranoia about what he my or may not be doing right now, just... stop. I want it all to stop and go away.

He used to be a big appear offliner, and knowing that I can't help but wonder 'ugh he may be there, I wanna say something but I shouldn't...' He knows all the places and forums I go to (maaaainly this one with a couple others) and I wonder if he may be lurking... selfishly enough I hope to think he's hurting just as much as me, and it checking out all the places I go to, to see how I'm doing. >.< But guys aren't like that...

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk why won't my mind just stop?

 

[Dee]

The key to forgetting is to replace that bad habit (thinking about one thing) with another that will focus your attention elsewhere. You may not think it works, but maybe you just haven't found the right thing yet. What do you like to do that takes up a lot of time? Is it work? Reading? Drawing? Making music? Playing video games? Maybe this is a great time to pick up a new hobby. Teach yourself a new language--anything. There are an endless number of possibilities. You just have to be willing to find and pursue whatever it is that can and will take your mind off of what you don't want to be thinking about.

My brother is in the same boat. About 5 months ago, the girl he'd been dating for three years and living with for a year just broke up with him and he's still incredibly pissed about it. It's worse on the weekends and when he doesn't have any work or DJing stuff to do because he starts to think about her. But when he's designing or doing some project, he says it takes his mind off the bad thoughts.

 

[Channizard]

I'm not sure what sort of hobby I can take up.. I'm not all entirely sure what I'm really interested in. The only thing I do on my off days (yaaaay four in a row too!) is that I go to the gym.. which kills a couple hours. I try to see somebody and visit for a few hours as well, however unfortunately that just drives down into depressing talk.

The thing I worry about the most is in a few months when I have to have a second knee surgery. Not only will I be bed ridden for almost 3 months unable to move but stare at either the tv or computer.. but I'll find it extremely hard to go about it alone this time. The first time I had him with me, now... I don't.