Mood: Calm
Once again, surprisingly, I'm calm, and cool-headed. Very much contrary to my recent spate of emotions, largely depressed, innately. Got a little bit cranky as well, in my opinion. For a moment, I felt every emotion I express on the surface to be horribly fake. I didn't feel good for that brief moment, and in fact, perhaps, felt what might have led people to their deaths by suicide.
Still, I'm probably too afraid to die, to embrace death.
Well, to share what made me feel this way...
Now, school had just begun like, say, about 3 weeks back. Actually, it's 4 weeks, but that first week was actually my Mid Year Examinations. The subsequent week is the aftermath, with all my fail grades returning, and teachers playing the sarcastic cards at the class and me for the results and everything else they find unsatisfactory.
The talk about how we are under performing and the like comes to play, and personally, I won't deny that... Because if that were the truth, I'm really dead. I don't feel I've done enough anyway. I can't have...
Well, undeniably, I was really depressed about it, but what can I do? My parents may show understanding, but I am sure they must be rather disappointed about it as well. I can't bring myself to say anything more to them. Still, I had yet to shed a tear over this, until yesterday.
Very depressed the night before yesterday, I didn't bring what I was told to bring for lessons the next day. I had to give my progress report to my parents and obtain their signature on it. My mood sank the moment I handed them the paper, and they stood by my side the whole time reading it. I was doing my homework then, and promptly got angrily distracted.
Seriously. If they went out to read, I wouldn't have felt as bad as I did then, but it can't be their fault right?
I forgot the work anyway, and the next day, I suffered the wrath of my teacher. Okay, there was two things she wanted us to bring, a large super-sized dictionary, and a workbook. I forgot both. Good enough reason to flare up?
Sure. Of course, it's fairly reasonable, and she, furiously, sent me out of the classroom. I didn't think she was serious, but I did as she told me. Maybe I shouldn't have? Maybe she would let me stay if I remained? Apparently, she didn't do much to keep me, and now that I think of it, I should have just stayed until she faltered. I'm sure she would have.
But I still left anyway, not angry- okay, maybe a little- but mostly sad. I was sent to the library, but had to stop by a nearby toilet to let the tears flow. Then, I went on to the library, where I found a quiet corner on the highest level. Thank goodness for that moment then.
There was no one up there, because it was the first period of the day, and by rights, every single person in the school should be having lessons, save for some, for reasons I'm not sure about. For me, my was a reason to be ashamed of. I sat there, lonely, sad, depressed. As much as I had resolved to not cry after leaving the toilet, those tears still defied me anyway.
So, I had another session of silence and tears as I tried to focus on the work that I was assigned to as I was sent out.
I didn't manage to do much, but still was the obedient kid. In fact, I remember clearly she said that I might actually leave to go to the canteen or whatever. Screw her.
Although she always places heavy emphasis on the importance of not making sweeping statements, she herself was making one at that point in time. On the basis of her personal opinion? To say it as if it were certain that I would actually go against her words to head elsewhere? Maybe that was why I felt so obliged to go to the library even though I could have just stuck to my seat stubbornly.
Or maybe it was my over consideration at work again. WHY AM I SO CONSIDERATE, I wonder.
Did I think about how the tension at the time might affect lessons?!
&%*%
I certainly didn't feel it was worth anything as I returned to the class later on. After apologizing to the teacher, I went into the class, and while there were weird stares, there were no words of consolation. No mention, no questions. No show of concern, no nothing.
These were strangers, not friends. Half a year did nothing. We were acquaintances, one that only made small talk, and laughed at casual jokes under the category of 'small talk'. We were no friends, not the type that appreciate the presence of the other.
Strangers. Acquaintances. Anything lesser than friends applies.
Is it not possible for them to show just a bit of concern, even if it's faked? Just a casual question like 'hey, you okay?' would definitely make my day. It's a simple act, not something like what, pleading with the teacher for me? Not like running through an inferno to save me...
Yet there they went, silent. Perhaps an act of consideration in itself... But no more thinking nicely for them. I had enough.
It's been a long time now. I think I've tried my best to speak to them to the best of my ability. I'm naturally reticent, in case no one realized. So, I stepped out of my comfort zone to make the conversations. What did I get in return? Curt responses, conversations that didn't last more than two sentences- mine and his/hers.
I can't help making a comparison to my previous class. They may not be as academically inclined, and in fact, are more relaxed about homework and in personality. Maybe that's why they're a more fun bunch to be around, than this group of 'muggers'.
(Muggers in my country generally means a person who presumably spends most of his/her time studying to the best of his/her ability, as if a test was just right the next day, everyday.)
This group of strangers. I cannot stay that way forever, can I? I'm faking my smiles and words everyday. No one really has a similar interest as I do, my only friends are those I made from previous years. I'm sick of this life with them. Time to shut them out. They don't deserve to come in to me. My doors are closed.
Deep down, I can feel a wish for them to come knocking on it. But them? THEM?! Ha. The day that happens will be the day something impossible happens. I don't know, pigs flying, the sun rising from the west?
The world isn't that beautiful, is it...?
Once again, surprisingly, I'm calm, and cool-headed. Very much contrary to my recent spate of emotions, largely depressed, innately. Got a little bit cranky as well, in my opinion. For a moment, I felt every emotion I express on the surface to be horribly fake. I didn't feel good for that brief moment, and in fact, perhaps, felt what might have led people to their deaths by suicide.
Still, I'm probably too afraid to die, to embrace death.
Well, to share what made me feel this way...
Now, school had just begun like, say, about 3 weeks back. Actually, it's 4 weeks, but that first week was actually my Mid Year Examinations. The subsequent week is the aftermath, with all my fail grades returning, and teachers playing the sarcastic cards at the class and me for the results and everything else they find unsatisfactory.
The talk about how we are under performing and the like comes to play, and personally, I won't deny that... Because if that were the truth, I'm really dead. I don't feel I've done enough anyway. I can't have...
Well, undeniably, I was really depressed about it, but what can I do? My parents may show understanding, but I am sure they must be rather disappointed about it as well. I can't bring myself to say anything more to them. Still, I had yet to shed a tear over this, until yesterday.
Very depressed the night before yesterday, I didn't bring what I was told to bring for lessons the next day. I had to give my progress report to my parents and obtain their signature on it. My mood sank the moment I handed them the paper, and they stood by my side the whole time reading it. I was doing my homework then, and promptly got angrily distracted.
Seriously. If they went out to read, I wouldn't have felt as bad as I did then, but it can't be their fault right?
I forgot the work anyway, and the next day, I suffered the wrath of my teacher. Okay, there was two things she wanted us to bring, a large super-sized dictionary, and a workbook. I forgot both. Good enough reason to flare up?
Sure. Of course, it's fairly reasonable, and she, furiously, sent me out of the classroom. I didn't think she was serious, but I did as she told me. Maybe I shouldn't have? Maybe she would let me stay if I remained? Apparently, she didn't do much to keep me, and now that I think of it, I should have just stayed until she faltered. I'm sure she would have.
But I still left anyway, not angry- okay, maybe a little- but mostly sad. I was sent to the library, but had to stop by a nearby toilet to let the tears flow. Then, I went on to the library, where I found a quiet corner on the highest level. Thank goodness for that moment then.
There was no one up there, because it was the first period of the day, and by rights, every single person in the school should be having lessons, save for some, for reasons I'm not sure about. For me, my was a reason to be ashamed of. I sat there, lonely, sad, depressed. As much as I had resolved to not cry after leaving the toilet, those tears still defied me anyway.
So, I had another session of silence and tears as I tried to focus on the work that I was assigned to as I was sent out.
I didn't manage to do much, but still was the obedient kid. In fact, I remember clearly she said that I might actually leave to go to the canteen or whatever. Screw her.
Although she always places heavy emphasis on the importance of not making sweeping statements, she herself was making one at that point in time. On the basis of her personal opinion? To say it as if it were certain that I would actually go against her words to head elsewhere? Maybe that was why I felt so obliged to go to the library even though I could have just stuck to my seat stubbornly.
Or maybe it was my over consideration at work again. WHY AM I SO CONSIDERATE, I wonder.
Did I think about how the tension at the time might affect lessons?!
&%*%
I certainly didn't feel it was worth anything as I returned to the class later on. After apologizing to the teacher, I went into the class, and while there were weird stares, there were no words of consolation. No mention, no questions. No show of concern, no nothing.
These were strangers, not friends. Half a year did nothing. We were acquaintances, one that only made small talk, and laughed at casual jokes under the category of 'small talk'. We were no friends, not the type that appreciate the presence of the other.
Strangers. Acquaintances. Anything lesser than friends applies.
Is it not possible for them to show just a bit of concern, even if it's faked? Just a casual question like 'hey, you okay?' would definitely make my day. It's a simple act, not something like what, pleading with the teacher for me? Not like running through an inferno to save me...
Yet there they went, silent. Perhaps an act of consideration in itself... But no more thinking nicely for them. I had enough.
It's been a long time now. I think I've tried my best to speak to them to the best of my ability. I'm naturally reticent, in case no one realized. So, I stepped out of my comfort zone to make the conversations. What did I get in return? Curt responses, conversations that didn't last more than two sentences- mine and his/hers.
I can't help making a comparison to my previous class. They may not be as academically inclined, and in fact, are more relaxed about homework and in personality. Maybe that's why they're a more fun bunch to be around, than this group of 'muggers'.
(Muggers in my country generally means a person who presumably spends most of his/her time studying to the best of his/her ability, as if a test was just right the next day, everyday.)
This group of strangers. I cannot stay that way forever, can I? I'm faking my smiles and words everyday. No one really has a similar interest as I do, my only friends are those I made from previous years. I'm sick of this life with them. Time to shut them out. They don't deserve to come in to me. My doors are closed.
Deep down, I can feel a wish for them to come knocking on it. But them? THEM?! Ha. The day that happens will be the day something impossible happens. I don't know, pigs flying, the sun rising from the west?
The world isn't that beautiful, is it...?
I knew you'd be hungover 
Hopefully it'll fix itself soon because I have no idea why it's doing that.
Our Alan came home yesterday evening as well, living down south is making him soft, he's dyed his hair black and got it all styled, the big gay 
The size of the bags I came home with show this, 3 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of shoes (flat sensible pumpy type efforts, a fair few tops a couple of skirts and a dress
