All Cluckbeak can hear are the delirious and indecipherable screams of that Irish republican scoundrel and traitor from outside - his voice so shrill and obnoxious that even the thick walls of this church can't send it scattering. Our favourite pompous detective haughtily marches out of the church while retracing Gerry Adams' steps and no sooner does he come within contact of the grey, bearded, bespectacled lunatic in his green tracksuit getup does Cluckbeak give the man a glorious double set of middle fingers. Yes, it's uncouth and unsightly of him to stoop to such lows as would be fitting a commoner, but he shan't deign to entertain any proper customary acknowledgement of Gerry Adams' presence besides this crude display of obscenity.
Cluckbeak sidles back down to the main beach where he notices the peculiar Phidias continue to devote his time and effort into the sand sculptures in spite of two now decomposing corpses in the vicinity and the outbreak of Oglops. How convenient it is to see that one of his sand sculptures is currently one of a shark pursuing some kind of tasty morsel. In light of the fresh discovery of a washed up mechanical shark over on the beach yonder, Cluckbeak would be very eager to find out what exactly the "sands" have told the sculptor about this new mystery.
"Excuse me, dear sir," said Cluckbeak to Phidias, taking great care not to antagonise the man by trampling on any of the standing sculptures.
"Count Clarence Cluckbeak, the Bane of Fowl Play. I've heard remarkable things about your ability to...commune with the "sands" as you will. How does this work exactly - this odd, pagan art of yours? Do the sands have a will of their own? Do they psychically communicate with you messages that you must interpret and visualise in the form of these sculptures? I ask because this town appears to harbour many mysteries, some of which I must begrudgingly acknowledge as being paranormal despite the fact that I am still attempting to work out who or what is behind this gruesome double murder today.
"What have the shifting sands said about a shark in particular? Not just any ordinary, organic shark residing in these waters (which in itself would be odd enough), but what about a mechanical one? Something as ludicrous as a metal construct in the shape of an aquatic apex predator capable of misleading and killing unprepared prey must surely be an aberration severe enough to perturb the uhh, sands, no?"
Big Red implores the pirate band to enjoy the working ladies in the strip club, whilst sending the doll to converse with Ultros.
"Long time no see my friend! The NUTS are keeping everyone away, but more girls for us amirite!? Are you related to the Kraken btw? Helped him out of a bind one time... No reason to be out and about right now anyway, dead moogles, oh what am i saying? I'm sure you already know, with your sources... So what's been going on in this crazy little town? Think you could get me in to see the Dolphin lady? You know why.. HAhahahah!"
Woody and Sam head over to the Fossil Club to talk with Mogabod, arguing the entire time in animated fashion.
"Mr. Curator Sir! You may remember me..."
Woody had no idea who this large individual was, despite Sam's assertions that it wouldn't matter, he still felt awkward about the line.
"My friend and I have noted many artifacts that were located in the museum now reside sporadically throughout this town.... Including a large Moogle Doll brandishing a bloody sword and the Death Statue that operated the infamous demon wall. Wonderful little lady you have there by the way. Is there something going on with the museum? Btw, Toby the F-ing tree seems to have uprooted and moved to the strip club. Do you have any idea what's going on here?"
Tia told me her move privately so I've gone ahead with it.
Click the maps to enlarge. For the clearest image open in a new tab.
'Nippynut's Nudist Beach':
St. Mogin's Church:
Great White Kuponut Tree:
Raptorbo takes a closer look at the robot shark to discover more clues…
There is writing marking ownership on a metal panel on the body of the shark.
Gerry Adams screams loudly, desperately begging the universe for anyone who knows about the murder to come forward.
His voice is heard as far away as Tasmania, where Ross is rudely awakened in the middle of the night. In Whitnut-on-Sea, it sounds like a bomb detonating. The only characters brave enough to investigate the source of the noise are a handful of oglops. One of them hands Gerry Adams a scrap of paper.
The scrap contains some writing in purple ink.
Count Cluckbeak sticks both of his middle fingers up at Gerry Adams as he leaves the church and heads towards the main beach.
Noticing the shark sand sculpture at the beach, Cluckbeak then asks Phidias Morrowsee how his sand-seeing abilities work, and about the robot shark.
Phidias Morrowsee mutters gibberish in tongues under his breath, and then comes out with the following:
The sand is apperceptive, kupo…. It senses! It feels! It knows!
The King of Sands lets me interpret its messages for mooglekind, humankind, and… otherkind, kupo...
Don’t anger it! It will swallow you and eructate your feathers… When you step on it, say thank you… Kiss it appreciatively. Every ten steps, kupo! KISS!
The shark swam in the grains below, kupo… Shore guardian! Hound of the sea! Engulfing obstacles, the aquatic maid kept the beach clean, kupo… Co-opted! Snap! MALFUNCTION! Or malice…
OG Angry Bird orders the Moogle Doll to converse with Ultros. Uncle Ulty is asked if he is related to the Kraken, if he knows what is going on in town, and how one could get into the room with the dolphin.
Ultros laughs and shakes his tentacles as if to fan his face. The following words then launch towards the doll from under Ultros' goofy teeth:
Uwee hee hee! I love girls! And pretty boys too! So many things to wrap my tentacles around, and nearly all to myself! Uwee hee hee! I hope you ain’t gonna steal 'em all from me, pirates! Don’t steal from octopus royalty!
Kraken? If I am related to the Kraken then I must have forgotten when I bathed in the river Lethe! I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of that place! I should like to meet a fellow cephalopod, so long as he ain’t planning on usurping me! N'ghaaa!
This town is a paradise! Pirates… Shhh! I won’t tell! Pirates keep the gold and booze flowing! Although I ain’t allowed to chase the surfers… Or eat anyone… Or drop weights on people from a height… Well, whadduya want I should do? This couch is comfy! I’ll just hang out back here n' see the sights! If I fancy a change I need only step outside! Some bright spark has turned the harbour into a nudist beach very recently! I didn’t even need to ask Mr. Typhon to sneeze people’s clothes off, for everybody is stripping willingly! Gwee-hee-hee!
Dolphin lady? Oh, you mean Bottlenose Billy? I don’t think I have the key to that room!
Angry Bird and Sam then ask Mogabod about the various objects from Moogle Museum which appear to be present in Whitnut-on-Sea.
Mogabod responds in the following manner:
*!&”! OH, KUPO! YOU AGAIN! WAIT…. WHAT ARE YOU CARRYING? GET THAT £$*&@” THING AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!
BUT… THANK YOU FOR COMPLIMENTING MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER! SHE’S THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE, KUPO! MY DELICATE DARLING!
THE MOOGLE MUSEUM ITEMS? WELL, YES! AS YOU KNOW, THE FORMER MANAGER, KUPORIUS, WAS CHARGED FOR CREATING $%@"£ FAKES FOR THE $"!£@% MUSEUM, AND FOR STEALING %£"$@! ITEMS WHICH DIDN’T ^@£$& BELONG TO HIM. AS THE NEW MANAGER, I RETURNED SOME OF THEM IN A GESTURE OF GOODWILL, KUPO! SOME OF THE FORGERIES I DONATED TO PEOPLE WHO WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ACCURATE RECONSTRUCTIONS OF FAMOUS SCULPTURES AND PIECES OF ART!
BUT TOBY THE TREE IS A DIFFERENT MATTER ENTIRELY, KUPO! HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED HE IS A SENTIENT BEING? HE GOES WHEREVER HE $%"&@ FEELS LIKE AND DOES WHAT HE WANTS, SO LONG AS SOMEONE CAN @£"!* TRANSPORT HIM… I TREAT HIM AS AN EMPLOYEE RATHER THAN AN EXHIBIT NOW, KUPO…
"Before I go," muses Cluckbeak to the busy sand sculptor, who by now must surely be silently praying for this annoyance to simply leave him alone to fondle the grains of sand in peace, "I'd love to hear what the sands can hear and feel about the likelihood of my son growing up to be just as fine and accomplished a detective as I. Privately I express deep fear and concern for my son, Christopher Cluckbeak. The boy is a simple mind, attracted only to abominable vices such as alcohol, breaking curfew and absconding from his gentlemanly duties to be in the company of wenches whose social statuses are far beneath him. The thought of the boy engaging in an extramarital affair before he is even married to the proper woman I arranged for him horrifies me to my core and would be a scandalous disaster for our family's name!"
[Insert Phidias's response here]
Cluckbeak is now incandescent with frustration. That fraudulent Phidias and that sand of his! What utter nonsense. What an outrageous answer he received concerning the likely fate for his wayward son. But anyway, there's little sense in despairing over Christopher Cluckbeak's future when he currently still has an unsolved case to tie up so he can finally escape this fetid, wretched town.
He spots one of the lifeguards - the Moogle who looks like a bad David Hasselhof dead ringer. Maybe this man can help shed some light into the reasons why there was a mechanical shark ostensibly belonging to the Kupocestershire County Lifeguards in these waters doing goodness knows what - probably homicidal activities. Phidias said some nonsense about this mechanical shark being an "engulfer of obstacles" who "kept the beach clean". Clean of what? Not the Oglops clearly, because those rancid creatures are all over the place, likely multiplying in numbers now like a colony of bacteria.
"Lifeguard!" he bellows to the Hasselmog, "over on the beach yonder a mechanical shark washed up and is currently defunct. As of now my fellow detectives are tearing open that monstrosity and it appears to belong to the Kupocestershire County Lifeguards, a governing body which I'm sure you must be a part of, because you look like the bay...watch type of individual.
"Would you care to explain to me WHY there is a vicious mechanical shark especially considered we literally have two homicides right here on this very beach today? And if you cannot tell me anything about this, direct me to someone who can, otherwise I will deem you and your colleague frauds and I will ensure the might of my very family name will incite the highest authority on this land to come down on you all like an atomic bomb."
Raptorbo will attempt to unscrew the cover on the shark robot and see if he can discover even more about this strange object. He also looks more closely since it says it's the property of the lifeguards to see if there is any type of signature claiming individual ownership.
Click the maps to enlarge. For the clearest image open in a new tab.
'Nippynut's Nudist Beach':
Count Cluckbeak asks Phidias what the sands can tell him about the future of his son, Christopher Cluckbeak…
Just as Phidias is about to explain how he cannot control the sand’s message, he feels the sand shift beneath his feet. Phidias' eyes turn white as pearls as he crouches down and immediately gets to work, interpreting what he can see and feel through the medium of sculpture.
Before the Count stands a warning of his son's future self, naked. 'The Posh Pecker', as the future tabloids will call him, shall disgrace his family when he is captured on camera running out of a seedy brothel to escape a police raid.
Count Cluckbeak then asks Pomid Hasselmog about his connection to the mechanical shark.
Hasselmog has the following to say:
Woooaah! Why, of course the shark is with us! How else can we keep the beach clean and safe, kupo?! We originally used ‘C.J.’ for training exercises, but we recognised she was quite useful for eating trash an' removing sea urchins and jellyfish which could harm Whitnut-on-Sea’s beach-goers, kupo! We control the shark using a remote…. Wooaah, kupo! The shark is washed up? I suspect that she stopped working when the remote was broken! Yep! Someone must have stolen it and broken it! I found it in the hut, kupo!
Raptorbo finally digging into something and venting out some of his anger continues to dig deeper into the wire panel to see if there is anything more and maybe see if it can be reactivated and sent out to sea to search for clues.
"You found the destroyed remote in your hut?" inquires Cluckbeak impatiently, "Do you lifeguards not keep a close eye on your possessions?! I have been at this for what feels like over three months now and I'm still no closer to wrapping this case up. I have it in good mind to simply leave this town, call up my illustrious contacts in the press and tell them these murders were perpetuated by an out of control mechanical shark owned and operated by the lifeguards of this town! Then you will all be ruined! Hmph!"
It would appear the missing chunk of the deceased Furaway McHank's arm is inside the robot shark. There is no doubt about it. This mechanical shark gave Furaway a right old chomp, which is funnily enough not far off from Cluckbeak's very initial suspicion that the man was killed in a horrific shark attack. The questions now are: who stole and wrecked the remote, where was it stolen, who from, and when. The only evidence of there having been any theft at all so far (besides all the looting and pirating by the Confederacy and Father Pompous admitting to stealing at least one chest from the pirates themselves) were the words of the also-deceased Furchin Pomsnore when prior to his own unfortunate watery death he claimed someone yelled "THIEF" from the direction of Fossil Beach.
It's time he asks the other lifeguard about this, but the other lifeguard is nowhere in sight. Suspecting the Hasselmog's colleague must have gallivanted off up the beach, Cluckbeak wanders to the direction of the nudist beach, unprepared for the sinful splendour that would await him.
A whole beach full of nudists. As in people without any item of clothing on. As naked as Adam and Eve were before the serpent tempted them both to eat from the sacred tree. Sunbathers with their...sexual organs exposed in order to drink in the pleasant sunshine. People casually bearing it all with no ounce of shame. Heinous! Disgusting! Unacceptable! These people and their recalcitrance! Cluckbeak immediately darts his beak upwards if only to avoid having to burn his eyes at the sight of a nipple. He'd rather burn his eyes from staring at the overhead sun than to catch a glimpse of someone's bush. HIM! The great Count Clarence Cluckbeak, unsuspectingly wandering into a beach full of filthy nudists. How is this not illegal! He will immediately write to the Prime Minister after this investigation to call for new, stricter legislation on public decency!
As he blindly tries to navigate through this sandy labyrinth of bare skin without actually trying to look at anything, Cluckbeak stumbles into...something in front of him. He can't quite tell what it is, but it kiiiiiind of looks like a pink pair of buttocks sticking out from the sand. He proceeds to take a great swing of his right leg to give this derriere a right old kicking.
"I found the missing body parts of Furaway McHank," Fake Zazu calls to Tobias.
"So it was a shark that ripped him apart," Tobias said. "But unless the lifeguard was lying, which at this point I wouldn't be completely surprised, the shark only eats dead flesh. McHank may have already been dead."
"Or whoever stole the lifeguard's remote control used it to attack McHank."
Fake Zazu takes a closer look at the rest of the shark's stomach contents, particularly an oddly shaped purple item nearby.
Letting go off the wires after a most jolting experience Raptorbo decides to go back to the main beach and enters the unmarked house on the right, surely the only building yet to be visited must contain some clues, for maybe it's even the decadents house. Because of his electrical accident Raptorbo is constantly twitching as he goes to the house.
Cluckbeak hasn't felt humiliation this relentless since that time his son embarrassed the entire table during one of the lavish dinner parties he hosted in his manor for distinguished local community guests. Unfortunately, this situation has the potential to be worse, because any lowlife can take a multitude of snapshots of him on their mobile phones and upload them online. The sheer shame he would later encounter would be incalculable, not least because he is standing with one foot stuck up a beach bum surrounded by unsightly nudists.
He loudly barks - or rather, clucks - at what can only look like an inebriated naked Moogle woman sitting serenely on the pier overlooking a modest yacht. Next to her are two empty bottles of what he can only presume to be cheap, foul liquor - nothing like the gentlemanly cognac he enjoys in his spare time - and a disgusting Oglop next to her.
"SOMEONE! ESPECIALLY YOU, WOMAN! I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE! MY FOOT APPEARS TO BE TRAPPED IN THIS GHASTLY OBJECT AND I CANNOT MOVE. THIS ACCURSED TOWN WILL PAY FOR CONSPIRING TO HINDER ME AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY WHEN THE PURPOSE OF MY VISIT HERE IS SIMPLY TO SOLVE A MURDER MYSTERY!
"AND YOU!" he also turns to face Nutalie, only to immediately avert his eyes the moment his irises wander upon the sinful splendour of her naked buttocks. "I notice you must have been reading the autobiography of the late Furaway McHank. Did that man write in his accounts anything about Syldra, a spiritual sea monster guardian? Did he even explain what being "raised by dolphins" means, or am I to assume it is "code" to signal his membership of this town's pirate Confederacy?"