Serious Marriage

Shaissa

Shaissa

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Yesterday I found out one of my closest friends are getting married. Good news right? Well not really. This is a girl and an ex just for your information so we have a wierd relationship.

Well she is going to marry her ex that has been on and off for three years I think, but each time they broke up it was him saying "I am unhappy" and he would go back to her when he saw her moving on and say "I am sorry" and she will take him back, just like that.

Well when she told me he asked her to marry him, when they got back together, I think it was 3 months ago, after a seven month break up of him "being unhappy", I said thats nice. She didn't like my reaction too much.

So we started to argue and well she isn't talking to me anymore cause she think's I'm just being jealous and selfish and stupid. Her words. When I'm telling her she's only 18, this guy has left her so many times already, and I think when we were in the heat of the debate I said something like "You are his plan B don't you realise that! You were never his plan A" which I do regret saying.

Now I think you can find love at any age don't get me wrong about that, and I think you can marry someone you broke up with, but I think you should figure out why you broke up before thinking about anything.

So now my question. Am I wrong for being unhappy about this?
 
Nah, I'd be annoyed too, and i would probably react the same way but... I guess unfortunately it isn't your place to tell her what to do. Let her make her own mistakes, she'll realise when she divorces 6 months later that she was stupid and you were right.

people don't seem to understand when they think they're in love or don't know how to be alone...

:(
 
Squid is right, people will do what they want now and pay for it when the times comes if its wrong. If its wrong. but this may be just the kick in the pants they needed to commit to one another.

His proposal may have come after some deep soul searching with the realisation that hje does indeed love her and a catalyst was needed to make it happen. Marriage, it may be the wrong answer but its a person right to make these mistakes. What we see noe in the present can be blinded by feelings and emotions.

Hindsight holds many point we are oblivious to in the present.

Your effort is in the right place and you may have said a wrong thing(I dont think you did) so take note that you looked out for her and turned you aside, and decide if you will help her in the future?

If your relationship is strained now it may be best to stay away.

Even a moral victory can taste sour.
 
I think honestly, for you to have said something is the right thing to do, even if she didn't like it. Because even though she argued with you about it, the fact is that the things you said might still circulate around her head, even just a little; and in a situation like getting married, you really need to examine all the potential doubts and reasons not to do it, before you go ahead with it.

If no one complained about it to her, she might just go "OMG I'm getting married :awesome:" and not think twice about whether or not it's a good idea to be with this person for the rest of her life, because the idea of getting married being one of our "life goals" as humans, has been forced down our throats in society through the media and other ways. It's often seen as a trophy of sorts, and so many people rush into it who aren't ready for it.

Now if their relationship had been perfectly stable all this time, then I'd say it might be a better idea, because it would seem they were serious about sticking together. However, because they've been on and off just within dating, I'd say a much longer amount of time would tell whether or not they were right for each other--at least 7 years or so. And especially because she's so young--when you're 18, you have lots of other things going on to distract you, like school, planning for college, your first jobs, and sometimes trying to plan for a regular 9-5 career job--and IMO, that's just not the best time to throw in another serious decision like getting married. It's true, sometimes committing to someone during a crazy time like that could help you if the person holds your hand through it and is there for you to relieve the stress, but...not someone who's on and off all the time.

So tl;dr, I do think you did the right thing by saying something. Because now she might at least think about it a little before rushing into committing to an on/off dude for the rest of her life, which she needs to realize could be the next 80+ years.
 
Well, one of the biggest gripes I had in my lifetime was having a relationship at that age myself. It was something that was very stressful and something that made me lose trust in girls of that age group. But the biggest reason for that is because there are a lot of "head games" going on in relationships of that age. On and off relationships happen mainly because you're always being tested about how the relationship is going, and it gets old quickly. So more than likely, that's what explains the on and off, and the general "I'm unhappy" attitude. And plain and simple, if that relationship doesn't mature, then it will more than likely go a long time as an unhappy marriage or it'll end in divorce in short order.

Unfortunately for you, this is something you'll have to deal with. The fact that you still talk to her after having a relationship with her already makes you a big person. And even though you may have said something you regret, she'll get over it and you'll be able to speak again. With their marriage, you'll sort of be playing a smaller role in your friendship anyways, just because your ex will be his wife. I'd say just at least patch things up with her so it doesn't strain your friendship with him. You don't have to be all buddy buddy with her, but it's probably best to make an effort to at least coexist with her, for him. It kind of sucks, but probably necessary in order to maintain your friendship.

Anyways, just keep your chin up, and hopefully your friendship won't be ruined because of it.
 
I have to question though, how close are you to your friend? Meaning do you have a relationship of your own? I hate for you to be "too" close if you know what I mean.

All you can do for people when they are blinded by naivety is just be there for them when the bottom falls out. Trust me, no offense to women, because men work the same way on occasion, but they get all blind when the word marriage is mentioned. Like they have blinders, and they don't want to see the bad things that have happened before.

Let's just hope the dude isn't a wife beater eh? Then things will really go south. I would advise you to just talk to her as you would the dude wasn't even there, unless the dude finds out you are her third leg in some situations.

Just try to guide her passively, because no matter what your opinion about the dude, will obviously offend her.
 
Shu said:
I have to question though, how close are you to your friend? Meaning do you have a relationship of your own? I hate for you to be "too" close if you know what I mean.
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By "too" close I'm guessing you mean if its a sexual or if were fooling around?

If thats what you mean the answer is no, never have.

We are guess the closest to best friends as you can get.
 
:gasp2: Nooooo sir!

I mean emotionally do you feel for her, does she feel for you. Are you expecting something from her outside of the friendship, meaning one day date her..

By your response I assume she shares all the details of her relationship to you. That's what I was getting at. I'm telling you bud, in this scenario I have personally been there. I didn't want to date the girl, but she was like a kid sister to me, and I felt protective. When it came down to it, the girl chose to date an abusive drug user who was very manic and self destructive. She tried of course to play the "Oh I can change the guy" and no matter what I just had to ignore the situation, if she needed me, I would listen but offer little to no feedback because of her rash responses. Meaning she always barked at me if I talked bad about him.

"Seems like he's only wanting you, when he wants you, not the other way around." "Seems like his bros seem more closer in a romantic relationship than you are to him" "Been dating 2 weeks.. a little too soon to be calling him a potential husband"

Since those days I realized that sometimes women and men can be impossible. The dude, not sure where he went to but wound up cheating on her at a theater and then again in some other stupid scenario. She stayed with him, until he broke up with her. I don't find it funny just disappointing.
 
Hmm, I don't think if I was the girl in this situation that I would be rushing into marriage after several on and off break up and make ups. =/

Especially when it's the guy who's the one who's unsure all the time, not knowing what he wants? How can he know all of a sudden that he wants to marry her? I would be treading carefully if this were my guy. No way in hell would I rush into a marriage with him, especially so young. When I marry, I want it to be with the person I spend the rest of my life with, not a couple of years, or months. =/

To me it looks like, he's asked her to marry him and this is her way of keeping him this time and so she said yes. =/ But if he's still the same as before it's going to be harder when they do break up again due to paperwork, splitting assets in half etc etc.

I wonder where her parents are in all this? Mine sure as hell would have a say about it.

You've done all you can do though. Told her what you think about it all and you know what, when the marriage does fail (though I hope it doesn't for both their sakes) you won't even have to say, 'I told you so.'

She probably won't even be able to look you in the eye afterwards knowing that you were right and she was just a young desperate idiot who didn't listen to her friends advice. =/

18 is so young. Plenty of time to meet Mr Right.

The main mistake these girls make is that they get involved with a guy and then married. The guy goes off to work while the chick does shit all and then when the guy wants to split up the girl has no feet to land on as she has no job and therefore totally unprepared if she were to be single again and so they rush into yet another marriage to keep them afloat. Never prepared to support themselves.

She needs to sort out her career and what not while she still can and stop focusing on boys that clearly don't even know what they want themselves. =/

All most girls think about when they are asked to get married is the day. Not the next 70+ years after that.

It's like they don't even ask themsevles: Do you actually want to live with this guy? Do you want his children. Do you want to live with his indecisive personality?

I'd want a real man. Not a little boy to be quite honest. =/
 
DarkPaladin said:
Yesterday I found out one of my closest friends are getting married. Good news right? Well not really. This is a girl and an ex just for your information so we have a wierd relationship.

Well she is going to marry her ex that has been on and off for three years I think, but each time they broke up it was him saying "I am unhappy" and he would go back to her when he saw her moving on and say "I am sorry" and she will take him back, just like that.

Well when she told me he asked her to marry him, when they got back together, I think it was 3 months ago, after a seven month break up of him "being unhappy", I said thats nice. She didn't like my reaction too much.

So we started to argue and well she isn't talking to me anymore cause she think's I'm just being jealous and selfish and stupid. Her words. When I'm telling her she's only 18, this guy has left her so many times already, and I think when we were in the heat of the debate I said something like "You are his plan B don't you realise that! You were never his plan A" which I do regret saying.

Now I think you can find love at any age don't get me wrong about that, and I think you can marry someone you broke up with, but I think you should figure out why you broke up before thinking about anything.

So now my question. Am I wrong for being unhappy about this?
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Yeah, I'd be pissed off/upset aswell in your situation. I mean, when people go to you for advice or when you state your opinion and they don't like/listen to what you have to say and start "upping" you, and to top it off, the womans marrying a repeat-offender.

No offense to you, but your friends an idiot. From what i've read, you sound like the more stable guy to end up with her, not who she's with now, who repreatedly breaks off a relationship because he was "unhappy", when we all know it's a load of shit, and that the real reason was probably because he was bored of the relationship and was too lazy to do anything to spice it up.
 
DARK PALADIN
Hell no, you are not wrong for feeling that way.
However, the idea that she's with your friend and rushing into a 'marriage' in light of their off and on relationship,, it's more than likely a disaster waiting to happen anyways.
And in the end, she'll be the one looking like an ass.
 
sorry I didn't get back to anyone about this.

So heres basically what went down... We're not talking anymore cause I can't like her fiance and he can't like me, and he made her choose between him and me.

So thank you all for your helpful advice. Sorry again for not getting back to anyone or thanking anyone sooner.
 
Who cares what this broad wants to do? It's her life. Let her ruin it. She'll figure out it was a bad idea in six months to a year when they're going through the divorce proceedings. You shouldn't burden yourself with other people's issues if it doesn't really impact you in any significant way; especially if she goes so far as to not speak to you again just because you hate the douche bag she's marrying. Sure, you can be "annoyed" by it, but let her live and learn.
 
DarkPaladin said:
sorry I didn't get back to anyone about this.

So heres basically what went down... We're not talking anymore cause I can't like her fiance and he can't like me, and he made her choose between him and me.

So thank you all for your helpful advice. Sorry again for not getting back to anyone or thanking anyone sooner.
Click to expand...

This is the part where you take a deep breath, then shout out "FUCK YES!!!!" on the top of your lungs on the top of an apartment complex or somewhere high up.

You have just been unburdened with something that should not have been your problem. you are free, my friend. enjoy it :)
 
Your reasoning seems perfectly logical. While what you said in the heat of the moment may put you in a bad light (in her view), I can see that you are honestly just a concerned friend wanting what is best for her. Sadly, people make mistakes even with something as important as marriage. And sometimes people need to make more mistakes to figure out that what they are doing is wrong. Love is love but it doesn't mean you can hope problems will just disappear. Obviously there is something more to this if there is continuous break ups...

And she chose between you two? That's... not a smart move. :x
I hope you are alright... And I'm sorry that you have to go through everything that you are.
 
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