Serious Getting Married

Free Flyer

Free Flyer

Could you tell me your name? xx
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I've known pretty much since birth that I wasn't getting married. Pretty much an established fact, which is probably why I didn't date much in high school.

So this afternoon, I got home on Christmas leave, and my boyfriend of 2 years decided to pop the question. I don't even know how to describe how I felt, because while I love him a lot, I'd be overseas often and just in general am a little... how do I put this? I'm not fond of the idea of ever getting married and having children. Not that I'm a loner or anything, but it just isn't for me.

I really do love him though, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I really had no idea what to say, and now I feel like an idiot. I just said, "I don't know," and I can tell it really upset him. He's at work now, but I feel awful. I mean, I guess getting married is a possibility. I just had never considered it before.

Basically, I'm extremely confused on what to say/do now, because I don't want to hurt him anymore. And, on top of that, I'm nineteen, which in my book has always seemed a bit young.
 
you need to tell him how you feel, it never good to hide information from the one you love, it can lead to arguments and other bad things, i know you are frighten to tell him that you rather not marry, very hard. but you need to tell him the truth. just sit down with him when he gets home from work, and explain everything about how you feel, that you love him dearly but you rather not get married just this second. as a man myself, I would much feel much better if my girlfriend sat down and explained why she wasn't ready to get married yet. explain that you love him, and you wuld love to marry him one day (if you feel that way) but you just feel that now is not the right time for you, trust me he will understand your choice and he will support you as he loves you so :) hope this helps a bit :yay:
 
You should take your time with these things especially since you're merely nineteen. Questions like these are best reserved for in your late 20's or early 20's and when you're financially stable as a couple and ready to make the hard decisions in life. A fact which I'm not prepared for either, to be honest. Strictly speaking though, this is just a small question that you and him can talk about. Nothing to take serious on, I bet he's just wondering how you'd find married life with him is all.
 
I think 19 is a bit young to get married... You still have so many things to do before you're ready to commit to someone else entirely... You need to go through Uni or travel, work for a bit, think about what kind of career you'd like, find the job that will begin that career, make money...

Furthermore, you need to have spent a good amount of time with your partner... You need to have lived with them for a year or two to know whether or not they'll be able to compromise with you on financial issues. It's also very different living with someone...You have to put up with all of their habits. Do you like clean space? Do they clean their space? Do you like healthy food? Will they cook some of the meals? Do you like to go out? Do they like to go out? Will they let you meet your friends? Will they let you have enough time alone?

If I were you, I'd tell him that I feel too young. Explain how you feel. Just because you're not ready for marriage - a MAJOR step - doesn't mean you don't love him. :/ He should be mature enough to understand that. If he's empathetic and truly cares about you, he should be willing to accept it and should support you in your future decisions. Honesty is important in these matters. You need to be honest for your own long term happiness and for his. :)

Even if I had been completely in love at 19, I wouldn't have gotten married 'cause you're just not a fully developed person yet! At 21 I'm not ready! There are many things I need to do alone first. :/ I also don't want to make the mistake of agreeing to something that later didn't work. That would be even worse.
 
Stevie
That's a good idea, I'm just afraid he won't want to be with me anymore, or that he'll do something crazy. When I wanted to join the military, he said he'd do it just to be with me, but I don't want to have him change everything he wants to do just to try and be with me. It's already a mostly long-distance relationship, and I'm just worried he'll want to leave.

Iron Man
this is just a small question that you and him can talk about. Nothing to take serious on, I bet he's just wondering how you'd find married life with him is all.
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I guess my wording isn't exactly perfect. He didn't just suggest it, he proposed, with the ring and all.

Lirael
Before I enlisted I lived with him for almost a year (about 10 months), but then obviously had to leave, since I couldn't work from home. I agree, I feel too young right now. It's made me wonder if maybe I would marry some day, but not now. I get what you're saying, though, especially since I'm afraid of hurting him any worse.
 
19 is a bit young. Tell him how you feel.

If he leaves you just because you aren't ready or you are unsure, then that's just crazy. Then he wouldn't truly love you. But since he proposed to you, I don't think that's the case. I think he'll understand.

But just know, an engagement doesn't mean you are getting married next month. People are engaged for years. Also, once you get married, you don't need to have kids right away. My brother and sister-in-law have been married for a year and a half and don't have kids. They plan to, but not yet.

Tell him how you feel, and that you just aren't ready, but that you are not saying no. I'd make sure to tell him that you really do love him, and it isn't a question of "Do I really love this guy?" Because that may be what he's thinking now.

I hope we help ya out :ryan:
 
...getting married at 19....ridiculous. I honestly cannot comprehend why people these days are rushing to get hitched.

Just tell him you're not ready, that there is a lot you still need to do in life before you get married and that you love him but now's not the time. Easy. And if he's a good guy he'll understand and wont push you into it. Least you know he loves you enough to want to try to spend the rest of his life with you but honestly, 19 is too young.
 
I would definitely say talk to him and tell him your thoughts. Open and honest communication are really key in any relationship.

19 is young. I don't necessarily think that's too young to get married; it really depends on the people involved. It's clear that you're not ready for that next step if you ever will be. You're still young though so your thoughts on marriage and children may change some time in the future. And even if you are married, that doesn't mean you have to have children. There are plenty of childless married couples out there.

You definitely should explain everything to him though. Tell them that you love him and you're not quite ready for that next step yet. It's better to be honest than to go through with it to make him happy while you yourself are unhappy with the decision.
 
Starfruit
That's a good point. Thank you :)

Ducky
I agree, I just know that even though he'll understand, it'll still hurt his feelings.

Hedonismbot
Well, I'd probably have children if I got married, I was just saying that in my plans I'd never factored in getting married. Thank you for the advice!
 
Marriage is a major commitment that should not be undertaken lightly, and certainly not by someone who isn't even out of their teens yet. I'm not implying that either of you are immature, but there are many more things you need to do with your life (listed above as career, travelling, study, etc) before you decide to settle. I recently attended a wedding where the bride and groom were your age. All I could think about when I saw the groom waiting on the altar was: "He still looks like a kid. What are they getting themselves into?"

19 is even too young to get engaged. Trust me, once you're engaged you're so inundated with "So when's the big day?" and that can turn into pressure to tie the knot early. I got engaged in July this year (I'm 23) and it was still a shock - albeit a pleasant one - and it took a while to sink in that I am actually going to marry my boyfriend. I'm already being asked by everyone when we're getting married, which we will probably only do in 2013. It gets pretty irritating. Then when you do marry, it's "So when are you going to have a baby?" and when you have a baby it turns into "So when's the next one?" and so on ad nauseum.

You definitely need to speak to him and make it very clear what you want about this. A marriage is a legally binding union and an expensive event, not something you can just call off. And divorce is even worse than a break-up! My friend who married at 21 got divorced a year later, which was a long and messy - not to mention stressful and heartbreaking - experience. Not trying to be negative here, just stating facts.

Good luck :)
 
I'm not really sure I understand your stance on marriage, you said you are more or less sure that you never want to be married but it seems to be taken that you just don't want to be married at such a young age? Either way I'm pretty much in disagreement with the majority anyway.

Firstly, even if you accepted his marriage proposal, by the sounds of it you would be some way off actually getting married and I doubt at nineteen that either of you could afford a wedding so I don't think getting engaged. I completely disagree that nineteen is too young to be engaged, there is someone who attended the same college as I before university and she had been dating her boyfriend for a good three/four years and now they're engaged and it seems like a very strong, healthy relationship. If you love him enough I don't think you're too young, but at nineteen it just so happens that it's not the 'norm' to become engaged and you may find one day that you want to expand your horizons so to speak. I though I REALLY loved my ex and took breaking up with her extremely hard, but I've found I love my current girlfriend far more than I did my ex.

Secondly, at nineteen I'm not so sure you'll fully realise whether you do want to be married or not yet. I know you said 'from birth' you've decided you don't want to be married but like you said, you're nineteen, so you're still maturing and in the future there is a good chance you'll have a complete change of mind and you may decide you want to become married and have children but obviously you have the mindset you don't really want either and that's respectable, you're young, it's not something you NEED to know right now.

To be blunt though, if you know for absolutely definite that you don't want to be married or have children and you know that isn't going to change there's a good chance your relationship won't work if he really does want to be married. There are some things that people passionately want that will stop a relationship working if the other half doesn't. For example, I'm pretty certain that when I'm 'old enough' I want to get married and have children; I don't think I could commit myself to anyone who didn't want either.

That said, just tell him you think you're too young. You clearly aren't ready for marriage yet and there's little point if you're constantly overseas. It's your decision and it's to be respected, if you say "yes" simply to make him happy you're only going to hurt him further down the line when it doesn't work because it's not what you personally wanted.
 
Everyone else pretty much summed up my thoughts.

19 I believe is very young. A lot of people I know have had their first loves from a very young age and it's not worked out because they've grown up and become different people to who they were as teenagers. They want different things and it might have not occurred to them at the beginning of their relationship to find out what those things were.

My brother is only 21 and his fiance is 19 and they're getting married next year. They've been together half the time Steve and I have been together, they've never lived together and they're getting married way before us.

I really hope it works out because they are so young and once you're married you can't just walk away from the realtionship if it doesn't work out, like you could if you were only boyfriend and girlfriend. It all becomes legal and stressful and you have to continue to see them until the whole ordeal ends.

I don't know why they can't just be together until they're old enough to realise what they're committing to. It's not just something you do and then get out of when you feel like it.

Don't commit to anything that you know you're heart isn't ready to commit to.

It's not fair on either of you and could get rather messy down the line if it doesn't work out.

It's good that you didn't just say yes though. You seem pretty switched on and it's good that you've stuck by what you feel is right. Hopefully things work out and he understands where you're coming from and isn't too put off by it.

How old is he by the way?
 
Ask yourself this:

Have you found the person you want to share the rest of your life with?

If you can't safely answer that question with a yes, absolutly dont get married. If its the notion of marriage that bugs you you should talk about that with your boyfriend and perhaps also think about why it bugs you.
 
19!! As others already have said, it's to young. Such a commitment should not be taken until 25+ imo. Ppl are'nt developed as individuals yet...they have'nt "found" themselfes so they could be evolving in each of theirs directions in life.

Since you already are very uncertain about it, tell him it was sweet of him to ask, but you will prefer to wait for several years. If he loves you, then he'll have to understand and respect your choice :santa:
 
Just so you guys know, I do very much value your opinions and I've been thinking this over a lot. My bunkmate shares the majority opinion here, but I still wasn't sure. So I called up my Mom to see what she thought, just because she's got good advice most of the time. She went with the whole "It's up to you" spew, but in the end we had a long pros/cons discussion. And, as she pointed out, from a strictly logical/monetary point of view, I'd get to live in a real house instead of the barracks, and increased pay. So we'd be able to live together at least, because he's mentioned before he wouldn't mind living on base with me. He gets a kick out of shopping at the PX. And from a less logical stand point, it would be nice to have someone with me. Not that I feel "alone", per se, but I've always been pretty close with my parents, so I do miss that sort of company. Let's throw in the fact I love him times a thousand and I think maybe I do want to marry him. Most of my back-and-forthness has been because I was upset by the idea things weren't going the way I'd planned. I'd never factored in any sort of relationship stuff into my never-ending list of things I want to do. But the more I think about it the more it sort of excites me. Thank you endlessly for the advice, but I think I may just tell him yes. :)
 
Free Flyer said:
And, as she pointed out, from a strictly logical/monetary point of view, I'd get to live in a real house instead of the barracks, and increased pay.
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NO, this is absolutely a ridicules reason for getting married!! It's just like those couples that know their relationship is in trouble and then they have a baby, because that will sureley make everything better....NO IT WILL NOT!!.
Wow this is makimg me angry...you are "trying" marridge like it's a pair of shoes, if you don't like it you will just throw it away...just to live in a house and for a few bucks...shame on you :mad:
 
I'm twenty and getting married in a few years time, when I (and my fiance) have more money to do so and a better understanding of life; hence why we I haven't done it just yet.

I would tell him honestly, in the nicest way possible, how you feel on the subject. Marriage is a life-long commitment (call me old fashioned and stuff, but I still see it that way haha), so you need to make him realise that if you aren't made up on the subject in general anyway... then he should give up on it for now.
Maybe in a few years he could try again like others have said... maybe then things will possibly be different for you. I never thought I'd be one for getting engaged, but I guess it changes.
And like others have said, you are just nineteen - getting married in your teens is never a good idea to me. Good luck.

EDIT: just saw your recent post - cool. :) I wish you both the best for when your date arrives. :)
 
Free Flyer said:
@Iron Man

I guess my wording isn't exactly perfect. He didn't just suggest it, he proposed, with the ring and all.
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ohhh! this changes everything from what I had said a while back. Pardon the lateness, been busy as of late. :olivia:I don't think this is the right time to get married at such a young age, you'd best enjoy life first till you feel you are wise enough to be married. Not saying or disrespecting young marriages, but a little age and wisdom can go a long mile in your marriage.

tbh, I'm against this deep down because my parents married at 24-23 but still had a hard time coping with their marriage and life before finally getting the divorce. In my opinion and from what I had experienced from my parents, is that you still need time before marriage is to be considered a reality. Don't let this deter you though, I hope you do get married but I still think 19 is too young.
 
@Amabdaan
Clearly you didn't read my entire post. I don't plan to marry him just for that. I'm not stupid. :/ If you read on, I said that the decision rode on the fact I love him and would love to have him living here with me. I was just pointing out the logical side of what that entails.
 
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