[Birthweek 2015] Mutilate Mortimer the Malboro!
- Thread starter Dionysos
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The Rock lays the smack down all over Mortimers candy ass.
Ol' Morty rides in a true gent's limo along with Queen Brahnsuki (Brahne Mitsuki)
And driving the limo is Jeremy Clarkson, who proceeds to drive so erratically that the tyre runs over some of Mortimer's own tentacles while he's still half-inside the vehicle. Clarkson in turn starts yelling something politically incorrect and possibly racist at Mortimer.
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A bit late with this one, but he's not going to last very long anyway!
Turn 2
Garuda-Egi comes in and uses a windgust blast to blow off his top hat.-= -1
Waxes off the right side of Oldtimer's moustache. = -2
The Monopoly Man attacks Mortimer with his cane for stealing his style. = -6
The marshmallows turned out to have mini timed bombs that exploded after the previous turn. = -5
Mortimer enters the FFF Bikini Contest and puts a certain Lalafell to shame. = -2
A Shace faced looking fat chocobo lands on top of him! = -6
Mortimer puts too many sticky plasters on his wounds and develops an allergic reaction. = -6
Ol' Morty rides in a true gent's limo along with Queen Brahnsuki (Brahne Mitsuki) = -6
The Rock lays the smack down all over Mortimers candy ass. = -6
And driving the limo is Jeremy Clarkson, who proceeds to drive so erratically that the tyre runs over some of Mortimer's own tentacles while he's still half-inside the vehicle. Clarkson in turn starts yelling something politically incorrect and possibly racist at Mortimer. = -1
Total HP = 36
-
Healing dice:
5+6+4 = 15
Mortimer recovers 15 HP.
Current HP = 51.
-
Six I couldn't count your last request because you already put a request in for that round (the shaving of the mustache one). It just took me a long time to do round 2 so you probably thought it was already another round. My fault!
Would you like me to put your other move request in for the next round?
Also I hope your real life eye appointment was a little bit more pleasant than Mortimer's will be.
Turn 2
Garuda-Egi comes in and uses a windgust blast to blow off his top hat.-= -1
Waxes off the right side of Oldtimer's moustache. = -2
The Monopoly Man attacks Mortimer with his cane for stealing his style. = -6
The marshmallows turned out to have mini timed bombs that exploded after the previous turn. = -5
Mortimer enters the FFF Bikini Contest and puts a certain Lalafell to shame. = -2
A Shace faced looking fat chocobo lands on top of him! = -6
Mortimer puts too many sticky plasters on his wounds and develops an allergic reaction. = -6
Ol' Morty rides in a true gent's limo along with Queen Brahnsuki (Brahne Mitsuki) = -6
The Rock lays the smack down all over Mortimers candy ass. = -6
And driving the limo is Jeremy Clarkson, who proceeds to drive so erratically that the tyre runs over some of Mortimer's own tentacles while he's still half-inside the vehicle. Clarkson in turn starts yelling something politically incorrect and possibly racist at Mortimer. = -1
Total HP = 36
-
Healing dice:
5+6+4 = 15
Mortimer recovers 15 HP.
Current HP = 51.
-
Six I couldn't count your last request because you already put a request in for that round (the shaving of the mustache one). It just took me a long time to do round 2 so you probably thought it was already another round. My fault!
Would you like me to put your other move request in for the next round?
Also I hope your real life eye appointment was a little bit more pleasant than Mortimer's will be.
Using the damage already inflicted on him from the remaining wounds of past attacks, his vile smell, his vile slime, and his many eyes Mcguyver shows up and makes a bomb out of all said things to blow up in Mortimers face.
Sorries!
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Due to a lack of teeth, Mortimer's only meal consists of mushy peas, which alas he's allergic to. Day by day, poor Mortimer withers away. 
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Now Mortimer is so horribly disfigured he bears a striking resemblance to shamed FIFA president Sepp Blatter. The FBI swoop in and arrest him, throwing in a few sly beats for not giving the 2022 world cup to America.
Sir Christopher Lee returns, refusing to yield to petty human mortality. Taking on the forms of Dracula, Saruman and Count Dooku, these 3 most well-known film incarnations of the actor plunge deadly blows onto Mortimer.
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@iSmiff I found your request particularly challenging, so apologies if it isn't to your liking, though I tried my best. 
Turn 3
A (green) sprout launches itself into Mortimer's eye. = -1
A Mits face looking chocobo with A Kira looking Moogle riding on both charge and attack him! = -4
Using the damage already inflicted on him from the remaining wounds of past attacks, his vile smell, his vile slime, and his many eyes Mcguyver shows up and makes a bomb out of all said things to blow up in Mortimers face. = -4
Due to a lack of teeth, Mortimer's only meal consists of mushy peas, which alas he's allergic to. Day by day, poor Mortimer withers away. = -2
Now Mortimer is so horribly disfigured he bears a striking resemblance to shamed FIFA president Sepp Blatter. The FBI swoop in and arrest him, throwing in a few sly beats for not giving the 2022 world cup to America. = -3
Sir Christopher Lee returns, refusing to yield to petty human mortality. Taking on the forms of Dracula, Saruman and Count Dooku, these 3 most well-known film incarnations of the actor plunge deadly blows onto Mortimer. = -4
Total HP = 33
-
Healing dice:
4+4+2 = 10
Mortimer recovers 10 HP.
Current HP = 43
Turn 3
A (green) sprout launches itself into Mortimer's eye. = -1
A Mits face looking chocobo with A Kira looking Moogle riding on both charge and attack him! = -4
Using the damage already inflicted on him from the remaining wounds of past attacks, his vile smell, his vile slime, and his many eyes Mcguyver shows up and makes a bomb out of all said things to blow up in Mortimers face. = -4
Due to a lack of teeth, Mortimer's only meal consists of mushy peas, which alas he's allergic to. Day by day, poor Mortimer withers away. = -2
Now Mortimer is so horribly disfigured he bears a striking resemblance to shamed FIFA president Sepp Blatter. The FBI swoop in and arrest him, throwing in a few sly beats for not giving the 2022 world cup to America. = -3
Sir Christopher Lee returns, refusing to yield to petty human mortality. Taking on the forms of Dracula, Saruman and Count Dooku, these 3 most well-known film incarnations of the actor plunge deadly blows onto Mortimer. = -4
Total HP = 33
-
Healing dice:
4+4+2 = 10
Mortimer recovers 10 HP.
Current HP = 43
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Livi decrees that she hates Malboros almost as much as she does Lalafells, so Tom orders a 24 man raid on poor Mortimer. The FFF FC is all too willing to oblige.
Chuck Norris comes and round house kicks Mortimer causing him to explode.
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Mortimer accidently gives himself a papercut, the deadliest of all mortal wounds
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A gang of rogue Ochus beat Mortimer up for crossing into their territory.
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I had to take some shortcuts this time (no time to draw twenty or so people!). Sorry! Also, I once saw an Al photo on here but that was years ago, so no clear image of Al's face. However, for all I know he's actually metamorphosed into his lalafell character anyway, so there's that.
Turn 4
An Al looking tonberry Doinks him! - 6
Livi decrees that she hates Malboros almost as much as she does Lalafells, so Tom orders a 24 man raid on poor Mortimer. The FFF FC is all too willing to oblige. -5
Chuck Norris comes and round house kicks Mortimer causing him to explode. -1
Mortimer accidently gives himself a papercut, the deadliest of all mortal wounds -2
A gang of rogue Ochus beat Mortimer up for crossing into their territory. -6
Doomtrain rams our old granny Mortimer into oblivion. -3
Total HP = 20
-
Healing dice:
3+3+4 = 10
Mortimer recovers 10 HP.
Current HP = 30
Let's really try and kill him now!
Turn 4
An Al looking tonberry Doinks him! - 6
Livi decrees that she hates Malboros almost as much as she does Lalafells, so Tom orders a 24 man raid on poor Mortimer. The FFF FC is all too willing to oblige. -5
Chuck Norris comes and round house kicks Mortimer causing him to explode. -1
Mortimer accidently gives himself a papercut, the deadliest of all mortal wounds -2
A gang of rogue Ochus beat Mortimer up for crossing into their territory. -6
Doomtrain rams our old granny Mortimer into oblivion. -3
Total HP = 20
-
Healing dice:
3+3+4 = 10
Mortimer recovers 10 HP.
Current HP = 30
Let's really try and kill him now!
Another Malboro comes across Mortimer by the name Mashimit and uses his bad breath on Mortimer just because he was having a bad day.