Serious What do I do?

[Bones]

I find myself on here alot, airing my dirty laundry, but you guys help me out so much and I can't really tell anyone around me right now, so here goes.

The other day my boyfriend went and said that he fancied someone else....

Now if he said he thought that she was hot or whatever, fair play, but FANCIED, that's like a high school kind of crush phase now. He insists he loves me and only me, but this just really worries me, especially as this girl works where both my boyfriend and I work. Also she has like a string of guys at work that fancy her as well, and now my boyfriend is on that list, it angers and upsets me.

I love my boyfriend and trust him 100% I mean he honestly told me this himself, I dunno but I wish he didn't tell me this, cos I'm angry upset and worried all at the same time, and I don't know what I'm going to do about this girl either, as I actually like her.

I've just got a lot of questions right now, like is it ok to fancy someone when you're in a relationship? Or is it that if you REALLY love someone, your eyes wouldn't want to wander anywhere else? Because I've been in this relationship for over 2 and a half years, and I haven't "fancied" anyone else. So it just baffles me.

I mean I'm not gonna break up with him over this, as he isn't cheating on me or anything, but I just don't know what to do about this situation, it's just not what I need right now....

 

[Servo_Non]

I'm going to come at this, despite being a man, from a neutral point of view.

I've been in a relationship for 4 years and if I said I've never fancied other people I'd be lying. What you need to take into account is that there is a big difference between fancying someone and making moves on someone. Everyone fancies celebrities but we don't get bothered because it's always 'Yeah but that'll never happen' so we don't care.

It's when you take away that certainty of nothing happens that it starts to upset people and make them feel much like you do right now Rau. The way I've seen it is that people can fancy whoever they want. My girlfriend could fancy a phonebook worth of guys and I'd not care because as long as she's not acting on how she feels for someone then there's no damage done.

The whole 'only have eyes for you thing' that people tend to label onto love is a human nature impossibility. Everyone will at some point fancy someone outside of their relationship, whether it's one person or 1000 people. It's hard not to. If a person has a set of categories that someone needs to fill for them to be fancyable then it's not something only one person in the world is going to have, even if you had really weird categories...like fancying only bald women from the monaco region of france who have a sunliught allergy.

Don't worry, take it in your stride. What you need to do is just realise that he's with you and loves you, he may fancy her but he's yours, he won't go off with her, he's yours.

And the main thing is he's yours, you're his. She doesn't come in to it. She's just a bird that he fancies and gets along with.

Don't do what my girlfriend did when she assumed I fancied one of my exes and start having a go at him or mentioning it or trying to stop him talking to her. If anything that will just make things worse. You've just gotta take a breath and understand.

We're all only human. As long as he keeps his hands to himself and you alone, then you've got no need to feel angry or upset. Don't worry....and hey, on the up side, if he does something assholish and goes for her you've got reason to contemplate building a new patio with a base of crushed boyfriend.

 

[Rapture]

Tricky

All I can go from is personal experience and from my personal experience I've never had one of my ex's go flat out and say he's liked someone else...he just went behind my back and got drunk and made out with someone who was a friend of his sisters and later told me about it...and that he regretted it. So I can say its at least good that he said something about liking someone before he actually "did" something.

Really though, if it were me in your place, while you do love him and he isn't actually cheating on you, it would still make me awfully UNCOMFORTABLE having my S/O tell me that they like someone else. I'd be like "okay then...so really what's keeping you here." Liking the way someone looks is one thing because lets be honest, men look at women all the time. Very few I believe can completely fight the urge to at least look at a beautiful woman when she walks by. I can say the same for myself with a nice looking man. Its just how we are. I guess the thing is whether the person has enough integrity to be able to fight the urge to go farther from there.

...and for your two questions...no I don't believe its okay to fancy someone else when you are in a serious relationship and eyes will wander here and there...its when my S/O acts on the wandering when real problems arise, for me anyways. However if its overtly obvious to me that they are doing it and are doing it in front of me and everything then no, ew.

 

[blakstang98]

I can't say I like the situation. If your boyfriend has a crush on another woman, I think you should really have a heart-to-heart with him. Just because he has a crush on her, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll act on it, but the fact that he is interested in her on a more personal level is a bit alarming, in my opinion.

In my experience, I've never had a crush on another woman while I was in a relationship. Wandering eyes are one thing, but to have a crush has much more value than thinking a girl is good looking. It's like that old saying goes, "you can look at anyone you want, but you're coming home to me." But if I were in your position, I'd be very concerned that his feelings for me have faded enough for him to open-up his mind to looking at others in more than just a superficial way. I'd have a serious talk with him and see how it went.

 

[Tom Badguy]

I'm just going to come out and say it. Your boyfriend: What a dick. Who honestly admits to their significant other, that they have the hots for someone else? I don't know what the hell is going through this guy's head. This has got to be one of the most disrespectful things he could do towards you short of cheating on you. People have random thoughts and feelings going their heads every day, but that doesn't mean they have to share it. The whole "oh, we tell each other EVERYthing" is usually not the best way to go. People need privacy, at least in thought. If my girlfriend told me, "I have a crush on this dude" then I'd boot her ass to the curb.

I can't say I like the situation. If your boyfriend has a crush on another woman, I think you should really have a heart-to-heart with him. Just because he has a crush on her, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll act on it, but the fact that he is interested in her on a more personal level is a bit alarming, in my opinion.

I totally agree. I mean, this has to be a red flag. Basically what he is saying is that he is INTERESTED IN OTHER WOMEN. I don't know what you're going to do, but make sure you don't cripple your self-esteem or self-respect. If I were you, I'd lay down the law and make sure this crap doesn't happen again. If it continues, then dump his sorry ass.

I'm not trying to mean, but I've read two sentences about this guy and already I think he's a piece of shit. Seriously. WHO THE FUCK tells their girlfriend that??

 

[Ilyena]

If my boyfriend told me he was interested in someone else, that would certainly be a hard pill to swallow. Finding other women attractive and actually being interested/crushing on another woman are two very different things, imo.

If he's telling you he loves you and only you and then tells you he's interested in another woman, well that seems really contradictory. If he loves you and finds his relationship with you fulfilling then why is he crushing on someone else?

I think it would be a good idea to talk to him and tell him how you feel. You've been together 2 and a half years so maybe he'll realize that your relationship means more to him and come around. Personally, I've been cheated on in the past so something like that would be a huge red flag for me. If he's starting to have an interest in other women and the other woman reciprocates, the real problems will start.

 

[Sultan]

"I love my boyfriend and trust him 100% I mean he honestly told me this himself, I dunno but I wish he didn't tell me this, cos I'm angry upset and worried all at the same time, and I don't know what I'm going to do about this girl either, as I actually like her.

I've just got a lot of questions right now, like is it ok to fancy someone when you're in a relationship? Or is it that if you REALLY love someone, your eyes wouldn't want to wander anywhere else? Because I've been in this relationship for over 2 and a half years, and I haven't "fancied" anyone else. So it just baffles me.

I mean I'm not gonna break up with him over this, as he isn't cheating on me or anything, but I just don't know what to do about this situation, it's just not what I need right now...."


Tell him exactly those words and ask him what he meant by "fancied". I know you turning to a forum is a safe and secure way of not having any of this return to him, and that it helps to actually let your thoughts out and know that someone is listening, but if you actually want true emotional security, you must discuss this with your boyfriend. I would imagine that even in relationships men can still be sexually attracted to other women, and the same goes for women as well. But there's a reason why we don't voice these things and try and fight them. You even said it yourself, you wish he hadn't told you. It would be a good thing that he hold you -if- he felt that it could affect your relationship, but I think in this case he just meant he's sexually attracted to her. Which I believe you could do without hearing say that. All the best.

 

[Rydrum2112]

I think you are fine, he was upfront and told you & you said you trusted him not to ever cheat on you. So it should really be no big deal, people often have crushes on people with no intention of anything ever happen it's life.

 

[Bones]

Bah I dunno what to do still, things have not been the same since he told me that, I wanna talk to him about it, but I'm scared I don't want any arguments but I've felt horrible since this happened I've just been trying to act normal, but it's really difficult....and finding the time is hard as well.

 

[blakstang98]

If it is bothering you that much, then I encourage a talk with him even more than I did before. I totally know where you're coming from with the being scared to talk part, but I think it might be worth getting off your chest, even if it does cause an argument. My word of advice would be to present it in a way that makes it seem like it doesn't bother you much. You know, start off with something like "remember when you said fancied that girl the other day? I'm not upset about it, but what exactly did you mean by that?" Or something to that effect (you can improvise off that, as you know better how to approach him than I do. ). And with this more assertive approach, he more than likely won't get defensive about it (again, you would know that better than me). If you got straight at him and say "what the hell do you mean you fancied that girl?", then you'll put him into a defensive stance, which if you avoid, you may be able to avoid an argument all together.

Best of luck!

 

[Terra Branford]

Honestly? It sounds like a crush and I don't think its, um, 'normal' for him to be crushing on another girl.

I think you should talk to him about it. It is bothering you (?) and it won't help keeping it to yourself, I think. So you should ask him what he meant by "fancied"....

 

[Davey Gaga]

I think it's silly to be in a relationship and not expect your other half not to find other people attractive as well. What's important to note is that he came and told you. On principle, keeping it to himself suggests that he's worried about it himself, or is thinking about acting on his feelings, whereas telling you says that he's quite comfortable discussing things like that with you, wants you to know how he feels regardless of how it makes him look. He's trusted you with that information - unless you know he likes to get a rise out of you then I'd commend him, not condemn him.

 

[Shu]

That took a few balls for your boyfriend to admit that to you. Most people don't have the guts to tell their little lady that face to face, or are in denial themselves. I'm not sure what he means by the word fancy, to be honest, not a very natural word for dude to use. Old school in my opinion. You should of said, well what do you mean. If he was open about it to you the first time, I'm sure he shouldn't have a hard time telling you he meant.

I find others attractive, but acting on it is a totally different thing. I'd say best thing to do to resolve the situation is get it on the table, before it's a little to late. If he is the type who feels the need to wear the pants in the relationship, I'd say he might act on it, as he's in control. Alpha male syndrome really. 2 1/2 years is nothing, in my opinion. I'd say the talk is eminent, other wise let's just say you said the same thing about someone else to him, how would he take it?

I can only grasp so little from what he told you. So a little hard to analyze the situation obviously.

 

[Channizard]

Any word on this yet? How has it gone?

I'm in the same boat as much of these guys when they say it's fairly normal to fancy someone else. Very rarely does it happen in any relationship of any length, for you to not find someone else atractive (be it local or celebrity). It happens. This is the rule. I've fancied a bloke or two I worked with when I was with my ex, but I never acted on it; it was innocent.

Going back to my mind, I have to wonder where this is coming from. Initial attraction, especially with someone you work with, doesn't just happen out of the blue. There's usually flirtation, attention of sorts...

Now because you said that a lot of guys at work fancy her, she may just be the type of gal who gets along with guys, and guys will normally fancy someone they get on with well. Or she may be giving extra attention to certain guys at work causing this... him included if he hadn't thought anything of her before, and then suddenly recently he has. She could be going an extra mile to engage him in one on one conversations, telling and sharing inside jokes, being physically playful with him such as pushing him if he pokes fun at her. It's the "innocent" way of flirting with a taken man, but at the same time it gets the point across that on some level she may be interested in him.

Now another thing. There's a certain type of girl who go after taken guys. It ties into the whole human nature thing of "wanting what you can't have". It's the thrill of the chase, wanting to tear something out of the hands of someone else.. once they have it? The thrill's gone.

She could be either type, there's no for sure way to tell. But it's imperative that you have a sit down with your man, and have a chat. It's going to be hard to bring up, there's no easy way around it, sure. Just be sure that you don't come off too demanding, that he can never see this girl again (at work? not gonna happen anyway). Just explain that what he said hurt you, but that you appreciate his honesty with coming forward about it in the first place, and that you'd like to know where this attraction is stemming from. If she's just a pretty girl, nothing to be done about it. But if she has been flirting, then dang girl outflirt her. You have the man, so do what you gotta do to keep him.

Leave him cute little notes in his pockets about not being able to wait till you see him from work, send him a naughty text or two during work, be extra physical with him in public that shows how you really want him (That honeymoon period at the beginning of the relationship when you can't get enough of eachother? Take a trip down memory lane and reinact it!). Just be sure not to do everything all at once or too much so it doesn't come off as smothery. A little bit of effort here and there that'll make him wanting more, and soon enough, he won't even remember her.

 

[Coco]

After reading the previous posts, my thoughts have been drifting from one side to the other. And then I realized, before starting to either worry or trust, you have to ask him what 'fancy/crush' for him means.

I mean, the word varies to different people. Does he mean like he's emotionally attracted to her, or just her physically features, etc. I'll admit, even when I'm in a relationship, I get crushes. But my definition of a crush might be different than other people's. I also tell the person I'm in a relationship with whenever I have a crush. If it doesn't mean anything, then it won't be a bother to say. I think being attracted to other people is natural. I mean, if the chemistry's there, it's there. But there are lines which you just don't cross when you're in a relationship. As long as he doesn't have any plans to act on it, I don't think you should be worried.

This is just my opinion, I think you should be glad he told you. Consider it more dangerous if he didn't - in which case there's a big possibility that his feelings are deepening and he's taking them seriously, so he'll choose not to tell you. Basing it on myself, if he chose to share it with you, it's nothing to be worried about. Crushes come and go. Love is...well, it stays and it never lessens.

 

[Servo_Non]

If you do talk to him then you just need to remember that it's a talk between adults, not an inquisition.

Keep calm, keep open to what he's saying, and never flip off what he says as simple excuses. If he says something that you feel crosses the line then explain how you feel about it but don't lose your temper with him.

He needs to know how you're feeling, and you need to get the worries off of your shoulders. As people here have said, at least he told you. If he planned on doing anything then he wouldn't have. Telling you would stir up suspiscions which, if he was trying to get away with something, he'd be trying to avoid. Take comfort in that.

Other than that I can't really say much more. It's all down to you and him. I hope it all works out for the best and turns out to be a needless worry for you. All the best with it, Rau.

 

[Bones]

Thanks guys for posting on this thread and giving me advice.

I think things are back on track now, I've had a word with him about it and although I'm still confused about certain things, I'm not worried anymore, so thanks again

 

[Bones]

Ok so sorry for opening up an old thread, but this thread was to do with relationship problems and I need to unload again so here goes.

I feel SO bloody guilty, after all I threw a hissy fit for when he told me he fancied someone, now I'm going through the same thing, and I don't know what to do. I'm so confused, and it makes me feel so bad, but I can't control it, I feel so lost and confused, I love my boyfriend to pieces, and I don't our relationship to end, but I find myself really attracted to this other guy and I don't know why, I was hoping it was just a phase and that I'll get over it, but I'm not so sure that it's it.

This guy I have feelings for, he's so lovely and funny and cute, and when I spend time with him I feel happy and I get butterflies, we flirt and chat quite a lot, and we spend a lot of time together, the thing is we work together too, so I'm worried that people are getting the wrong idea about us anyway, he gave me a lift home tonight and we were just chatting and it got to how people would probably put stuff through the rumour mill and what not. I dunno what he thinks of me if I'm honest as well, and I really want to ask him, but I'm too scared.

This whole thing is tearing me apart at the moment, and I feel so guilty, even though I would never cheat on my boyfriend, the guilt is just there...

 

[asm]

Your boyfriend was very honest with you. I don't own a polling office so this estimate is straight out of my very own ass, but I'd guess that was more an exception than a rule when it comes to things like these.

Now, I don't know about the social circles you two are in (as in, does your boyfriend know your coworker thus potentially making things extremely awkward), but if there's one thing I know it never hurts to be honest. Your boyfriend was very honest with you and it's not very farfetched to state it wasn't easy for him, I think the least you can do is reciprocate that honesty.

 

[Roland_Deschain]

I find myself on here alot, airing my dirty laundry, but you guys help me out so much and I can't really tell anyone around me right now, so here goes.

I am also going to take a nuetral stance and tell you what I think from what you told us.

The other day my boyfriend went and said that he fancied someone else....

The question you must ask yourself is this. "Why did he tell you this?"
You must not be naive enough to think there is no reason. I mean guys (I am one), we often pick fights for many different reasons, however we attempt to avoid serious ones. A comment like this (unless joking), could only mean he is informing, or looking for a reaction.

Now if he said he thought that she was hot or whatever, fair play, but FANCIED, that's like a high school kind of crush phase now. He insists he loves me and only me, but this just really worries me, especially as this girl works where both my boyfriend and I work. Also she has like a string of guys at work that fancy her as well, and now my boyfriend is on that list, it angers and upsets me.

And it should. Some girls would let the man fight amongst the other men for that girl. You are too kind for not taking a slice at him for the comment.

I love my boyfriend and trust him 100% I mean he honestly told me this himself, I dunno but I wish he didn't tell me this, cos I'm angry upset and worried all at the same time, and I don't know what I'm going to do about this girl either, as I actually like her.

If you trust him 100%, then you must believe it when he says that he fancies her.

I've just got a lot of questions right now, like is it ok to fancy someone when you're in a relationship? Or is it that if you REALLY love someone, your eyes wouldn't want to wander anywhere else? Because I've been in this relationship for over 2 and a half years, and I haven't "fancied" anyone else. So it just baffles me.

Its a common habit in the nature of most men to under appreciate something they have, many girls are this way too. Even when I was younger I noticed this issue. I would get comfortable with a woman, and then almost subconsiously seek something better, or a reason for change.

It is ok to fancy the girl with thinking, but not if he ever turns to actions, also it is not ok to tell the woman this... its disrespectful. The fact that he warned you about it means that he probably thinks you should be concerned, or that he is trying to make you jealous or aqquire your attention.

I mean I'm not gonna break up with him over this, as he isn't cheating on me or anything, but I just don't know what to do about this situation, it's just not what I need right now....

No woman really needs, or deserves such actions. And many who are tolerant towards such comments have patience that I personally couldnt handle.

Once again... as an outsider. I would reccomend keeping a better eye on him. Don't become paranoid at him, just become clever. At the same time I would try something different to captivate his attention in a positive way. To balance this out, I would also bring up his comment just to press down the concerns you face upon him. Show him that you care and that it bothers you, and ask him (without fighting) if this is something that you need to be worried about.

But thats all good in theory. I do not know you, nor do I know him. I do not know if you can trust each other, or just think that you can. Furthermore I was not present in the relationship so I probably have not the slightest clue =). However I wish you good luck in your endevours.