Serious My world came crashing down..

[Channizard]

Sept 7th, 11am..

I wake up, and flip on the computer. No sign of him. I get up and go to the bathroom. Five minutes later, the phone rings, but nobody answers. I assume it's work asking me to come in, so I ignore it. It rings again, my pop picks it up this time.

It's him. He hardly ever calls since he has the xbox to talk, unless it's important or his parents are out. I take the phone cheerily and go into the room, asking how he is. Good. But his tone is different. I ask what's up, and he drops it on me. I don't think this is going to work anymore.

My heart stops. I can't say anything. Minutes later I finally cough up the question of why. He doesn't think he can keep having to start out relationship over just to be happy. Each time we split up because of long distance and get reunited, there's this honeymoon period of a couple months, and then things die down and get back to normal. This isn't to say that we're unhappy, but things just go into a routine of me not taking so much time off, us not going out on dates just to make out, etc..

For some reason he finds this 'normal' period after the honeymoon to be unhappiness for both of us. I can tell where he's getting it from, because we're both had periods where because of work permits/visa we've broken down and said 'this isn't working it's too hard...' But we always pulled the other out.

Each time we've had to endure long distance, he's broken up with me. The first time it was sort of a bait an switch, break up, ask me back, break up, ask me back... in about 2/3 weeks.. and now it just feels like he's doing it again, and eventually he may ask me to take him back. But already I know it's different this time...

Like any other emotional cutter, the first time I did when I got home yesterday, and woke up today was turn on the computer and look for his name. Not online... The last times he would still be online, but now he's avoiding me cold turkey. Does that mean it's all the more final?

For the last 3 years I've been with him and now suddenly it's just ended so easily... I didn't even have a chance to argue it. I can't push him to be with me.

I don't... I don't know what to do anymore... I've told my family and they only offer the same advice and that's to just cut him out. I sat for 3 hours each with a different friend yesterday about this, and same sort of thing. Other than that, I have no one else to turn to... The only people online I have on my msn that really knew him and my relationship, I've tried to avoid and cut out of my life because of that whole RP debacle... which had him involved in with me cutting them out of my life. I can't even confide in people who used to know and who I used to be close with, because I'll be too sad and pathetic trying to get back into their good graces now that he's gone.

And thus... here I am...

 

[Saix]

Ahhhh Channy, "a shame" doesn't really cut it. More the fact that this is a recurring issue in your relationship, over that you have to be physically apart at the best of times.

I appreciate that the purpose of this thread was likely to air some things out and allow you to ask yourself the same question you're asking everyone else, but what does it matter what anyone other than you and he think? Furthermore, you've said what advice you've collectively received, but do you have opinions of your own about this?

Primarily I'd say that you should keep in mind that the reason you're always apart is because of the Visa issue, which (as is my understanding) you realise what needs to be done to obtain that now. If you get back together this time, you reunite as usual and have a great time, this could be the last time you're physically apart - for as long as your relationship lasts (which at this point could be considered a 'normal' relationship 'cause of residency stuffs being ok).

On the other hand, he's still ending it. Again. I don't want to attack him for his actions because I do get on with him pretty well, but I think I know him well enough to understand he doesn't really take to hassle and effort all too well. Not to excuse him of course - this is a pretty cheap thing to have done to you, but I don't think he knows why he ended it, himself.

At the end of the day, do you honestly consider the happy times you're together worth fact he actually has the gall to dump you as soon as you're apart? (that's more a question to you rather than a reflection of my own opinion, fyi)



For the record, I'm sorry that this has happened. I can't quite believe I've known you for that long, either!

 

[blakstang98]

Sorry to hear it (or rather read it) Channy.

This is one of the main issues I have with long distance relationships. When in time of emotional flare ups, it's hard to resolve the situation by text or phone. This is where the physical presence means a lot, just a simple hug can make things worlds better, and something text and voice just won't achieve. Now I'm not saying any long distance relationship stands a chance, but with life ordeals and more than likely lack of funds, this puts quite a damper on a relationship. This is even more so the case with a relationship that spans to another country.

I've done the long distance relationship deal and had a similar result. It's funny because I could sense in the voice too, that it was the breakup call. The main difference being that I wanted out anyways. But I think if there are continuous breakups, then its for the best of both of you to move on. It's quite difficult to make a relationship work when it's so full of discord, believe me, I know.

I think the time you gain after a broken up relationship is the hardest thing to adjust to. It's like, the time you spend talking to said person, now turns into a void. Figuring out how to fill the void is very important. Music and games were always my void fillers. Maybe something like this or whatever hobby/interest you have will help you fill that open time and get you past this.

Hope you feel better and best of luck!

 

[Gaige]

You need to do what's best for you in this situation. Sit back, think, and gain some perspective when you feel a little calmer. Think about what's best for you. Forget about what your family thinks and be selfish. Think about yourself for a few minutes and go by what you think will be better for you and your own happiness in the long run.

If the best thing is to end it, it's obviously gonna be a long and painful road, but you will come out the other side because you have the strength and the support of family and friends.

If you want to continue it, do your best to get him back, and get yourself back into some kind of stable relationship with him. At worst, you can say you tried your best and try to mov on with your life.

 

[ANGRYWOLF]

If you're looking for someone to be romatically involved with..you'll find them eventually.
I realize often people think that person they are with is "the one'...no not Jet Li..rotfl...but that special someone.
Then they get their heart broken and think they'll never find him or her..but more often than not they do.
I did.

So you need to stop emoting over him and trust the right guy will show up eventually and lend yourself to other pursuits until that day comes.

 

[Gingerbread Lesbian]

I've been going through a similar ordeal for just under two months, partially for the long distance such as yourself, and partially for other reasons and it is really hard to cope with, especially if he meant a lot to you, which given your post, he does.

I don't particularly agree with "cutting him out of your life" because I don't necessarily agree that it's the best thing to do. Either way, it'll take time to heal, and as cliché as that is, it's true. Everything is turned upside down, the one person you always text, always phone, always call and always want to see...suddenly isn't there any more, and that will be the hardest thing you'll have to cope with. Whether you want to cut him out of your life completely is ultimately up to you, and you shouldn't be persuaded what to decide unless you're fully comfortable with it. On one hand it'll be one of the most difficult decisions you'll have to make since your routine completely changes and it really does feel like a big part of you has been ripped out, on the other hand it will become easier over time. On the other side of the coin not cutting him out might be the best decision if you're moving near him [I don't know about that whole visa business], whether or not you'll get back with him will be another issue, but you might find that just having him in your life in general is a big comfort to you.

Really, just avoid doing or saying anything that you will regret [trust me, I said some rash things out of anger/being upset and that makes it a hell of a lot more difficult to work around and I'm still trying to work it out]. I would also try to stay in touch, even if he doesn't reply he might just need time to clear his head but at the same time just try to find something to do that'll keep your mind off the situation a few hours a day. Nothing is worse than this feeling, it will eat away at you until you feel like you can't cope any more =/ but just try to keep you chin up.

I hope everything works out.

 

[Valvalis]

I'm really sorry this happened to you Channy While I don't think I can really offer any advice that would be better than what has already been said, I do hope everything works out okay. I've never had to deal with a long distance relationship personally, but I've had friends who did, or friends whose SO's moved out of state and ended it because of that, and it was really hard to watch the toll that it took on them. So I really hope you can get through this okay. And I agree with what Mercurial said, if there is any chance of getting back together, just try to stay as calm as possible so you don't end up saying something you'll regret or that could cause a permanent rift between the two of you. Sometimes bad things can just slip out, I know it's happened to me in serious discussions before, so maybe just try to make sure you're calm and not too angry the next time you try to talk to him, it can make things a lot easier. Anyway, good luck and I hope everything works out okay.

 

[Dee]

My older brother went through something similar with his girlfriend of three years, only they were living together and they gradually grew apart until she said one day she was moving out. Poor guy had to find his own place and he's still trying to figure out why she thought things weren't working anymore. He's very bitter at this stage and rightly so. It just seems like you're in shock now, which is understandable. You have every right to be. I'm not gonna say sorry because I'm not the kind of person who relies on people to make me happy or feel good about myself for love, especially if they have stated they don't want to try and work on having a relationship.

I know that may sound harsh, but I just cannot waste my time on someone like that. Maybe I'm just used to people getting cut out of my life or having to let go that it comes a little more naturally for me. I think you're just in shock right now, though. It's sad to hear someone say they're completely lost without their significant other. When someone says that, I tend to roll my eyes and think what a load of crap (not to offend your feelings in any way), but it's more towards my thinking that one should be able to be happy and satisfied with themselves first and not completely devastated without someone around.

The ability to adapt to change is not something one should underestimate. It is an amazing quality to have and can save you a lot of heartache in the end. That's not to say you need to cut him out of your life in saying that would be your choice. Apparently, you haven't had any choices in the matter and he has been ignoring you, seemingly, for some time now. It may be that you have to accept that he does not wish to speak with you as much as you did before. It may be that he's doing the same thing and trying to cut you out of his life to make things less devastating. I don't know, I'm not him.

I don't have anything against people with that mindset, but I think it can be self-damaging in a way. I know that things are going to seem difficult to deal with right now and they will be for a while depending on how much time you want to allow yourself to feel bad about what's happened, but you can stick through it. The best thing you can do right now is to try not to blame yourself (unless he gave you some constructive criticism as the reason why he wanted to end things). I don't think that's the case, though.

The one thing about these long distance relationships is that they're a bitch to maintain. Having two dedicated people who want to work on a LD relationship is wonderful, but it takes both parties to be willing to do so and an eventual plan to come together in the future. If one or both significant others do not have their heart in the mix completely, which it seems like maybe your guy didn't, then bad things will happen as a result. The whole breaking it off, getting back together, breaking it off, getting back together thing should have been a big red flag that the past is a great indicator for the future. It probably wasn't going to work out from the moment you two split; especially if you don't have plans set in stone to come together, like I said, in the future.

It may even be a blessing in the end. Why you ask? Well, in my opinion, depending on one person and one person only is not really such a good idea. You say your 'world' (revolving around him) came crashing down and now you have nothing left. I don't know if that's just being a bit dramatic or if you really mean it, but this could be an opportunity if you use it to your advantage. Instead of focusing on what you lost (or may have lost since you have a history of getting back together), why don't you focus on what you've gained? It may not seem like you've gained anything, but trust me, you have.

Let's use my friend for example. In high school, she was all about boys. Boys, boys, boys. Always had to have a boyfriend. Always had to be dating someone, to be giving her that comfort and love she so desperately sought. When she was boyfriend-less, she was a great friend. We'd hang out and have so much fun, joke and laugh. But when she was with a guy, it's like her friends did not exist. Her entire world was focused on her boyfriend and we were cut out like nothing.

She's grown up a bit about the matter, but still tends to be the kind of person who relies on having someone. Even with couples who are serious or even married it is good for them to get away from each other for a while. Relying on one person only and considering them your entire world indicates that maybe there's some dependency issues. Enough of getting technical and preachy, though. For now, be mad, be sad, be confused--it's natural. But don't let it break you. This isn't the worst thing in the world and it won't be your last bit of bad news either.

If you ever want to talk to me, you can always hit me up on MSN! But otherwise, try not to feel so down and maybe do some stuff to get your mind off of it in the meantime.

 

[GalaxyFlare]

Where is your self preservation during this time?

Do you not have strong sense of yourself, do not put yourself through more grief over this guy he seems to be over you, and you have to match that level of indifference with your own..........you obviously cared for the guy but he burnt your bridge.

Also dont go crawling back to freinds that dont have your best interest at heart ,your hurting right now and further rejection will make this episode worse, if you feel isolated in this time......thats not such a bad thing, use it to strengthen your wishes for future relationships.

Things you will accept from a person, the way you want to be treated, your only 20 start out young with a strong sense of self and life will be on your terms.

This may sound harsh........but if you get back with this guy you would be an idiot and if he burns you again after so many ups and downs, you deserve what you get.

People who dont help themselves are not worth a damn.......are you 1 of those Channi?

(another excerpt from the Annals of Cliche Ridden Nonsense ISBN:99078652431)

 

[Shu]

This should be pretty short for me. Channy, I can offer you advice from what I have learned, not what I pretend to know.

Relationship or not, love or not, sometimes words can not be taken back. People are either weak, or strong in their convictions of faith towards one another. If you sense you weren't getting the same pull from him as you were when it all started, then you have to read the signs. Though sometimes, it's best to wait it out to not jump to conclusions.

Bottom line is, your dude might be a stand up fella most often times, but I can sense from what little you gave me that he doesn't have the stomach for the relationship right now. Even with the best of folks in long distance, there always comes doubts and it gets harder the longer the distance it is. Think about it, if you folks could see a person's face whom you were dating, how much do you think that would waver your decision to leave someone.

Maybe right now he has some important decisions in his life. Relationships take a lot of out of people, this I know for sure. He has a point about the whole "amazing for a couple of weeks" and then back to normal status in a couple. How do you think married life is.. he.. he.. he.. It takes a strong man to not be as a man inside his head. You stay with a person 3 years, and know pretty much all their flaws and know your turn offs towards them, then each time you say you have that "hooney moon" period it lasts less and less. Make sure this was not infatuation though.

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now, and hope for the best for you right now. Take care of yourself, and try to get lost in something for a bit to get your head off it.

 

[Rasputin]

Cut him out from your life, learn from your mistakes, and don't get in any more dedicated relationships unless you have a contingency plan. You clearly broke that cardinal rule here and it came to bite you in the rear. Sorry Channy, but guys are almost universally unwilling to provide long term emotional support unless you're planning on living with them. Tis the way of the world, though it's not like you'll have a particularly difficult time finding another boyfriend if you put in the effort.

 

[Dee]

I have to agree with Adamant here. It seems like, from what information you've given us (the long distance thing and the constant on and off relationship), the whole thing is just a doomed for an even worse conclusion if you do try to keep him in your life. If you want to try and salvage things, then by all means, go ahead, but look to the past and look at those signs you might not have paid much attention to or didn't want to see and ask yourself whether staying together (if you had a say in the matter) would be a good idea.

 

[Channizard]

Okay, grabbed my box of tissues and just sat here, reading and dwelling on all the replies/advice everyone has given me. Whislt trying to reply to everybody and get the whole story across, I'm just going to quote certain bits and try answer everything/fill in the blanks.

Primarily I'd say that you should keep in mind that the reason you're always apart is because of the Visa issue, which (as is my understanding) you realise what needs to be done to obtain that now. If you get back together this time, you reunite as usual and have a great time, this could be the last time you're physically apart - for as long as your relationship lasts (which at this point could be considered a 'normal' relationship 'cause of residency stuffs being ok).

On the other hand, he's still ending it. Again. I don't want to attack him for his actions because I do get on with him pretty well, but I think I know him well enough to understand he doesn't really take to hassle and effort all too well. Not to excuse him of course - this is a pretty cheap thing to have done to you, but I don't think he knows why he ended it, himself.

At the end of the day, do you honestly consider the happy times you're together worth fact he actually has the gall to dump you as soon as you're apart?

Virgil, thanks. <3 The thread in itself is to just rant to people who some I know, and some I don't know to try and get some unbiased/unknown opinions on this. Granted it won't make or break my decision, but it will certainly provide some insight.

Given that everything has gone to plan, this would have been the last time we were apart. I had even already bought his plan ticket to return on the 14th of Oct. Prices were starting to go up, so we got it while they were still low. He claims, that when I bought the ticket he still had the intention of coming over, however he said he had these hesitations for about two weeks now (And I could tell something was up in the way his mannerisms changed online).

Why he's ending it, I don't understand. He says it's the brief honeymoon period that's good, but then after that we die down... I just... don't get it. I know what he means, but it's the fact that each time we miss each other, you know? Of course there's going to be a huge emotional rush period, and then getting back into the normal routine of life. It's just that I think he's expecting it ALWAYS to be like the honeymoon period.. And no relationship is like that, you know?

This is where the physical presence means a lot, just a simple hug can make things worlds better, and something text and voice just won't achieve. Now I'm not saying any long distance relationship stands a chance, but with life ordeals and more than likely lack of funds, this puts quite a damper on a relationship.

Lack of funds and life ordeals have never been an issue with it before... What has been though, is where the money has come from. It's about 85% been all on me... plane tickets.. visa applications.. rent for the folks... it's most often than come out of my paychecks, and that is something that has changed (temporarily) when he had a job here. But would go right back to normal should/if we got back together and he came into Canada again.

I think the time you gain after a broken up relationship is the hardest thing to adjust to. It's like, the time you spend talking to said person, now turns into a void. Figuring out how to fill the void is very important.

This is exactly it. The time before and after work is the hardest for me, because that's when I would hop on msn and look out for him. Now it is that void and I just... don't know what to do.

If you want to continue it, do your best to get him back, and get yourself back into some kind of stable relationship with him. At worst, you can say you tried your best and try to mov on with your life.

I do want to continue it, but on the one hand I'm paranoid to shits that he might do it again... Y'know, third times a charm. =/ If I did manage to pull it together it would be the last straw. I'm not gonna keep putting myself through this.

I don't particularly agree with "cutting him out of your life" because I don't necessarily agree that it's the best thing to do. Either way, it'll take time to heal, and as cliché as that is, it's true. Everything is turned upside down, the one person you always text, always phone, always call and always want to see...suddenly isn't there any more, and that will be the hardest thing you'll have to cope with.

This is exactly it. Even though he wasn't here for the last two months, the companionship was still there. He was still online for me to talk about my horrid boss, or a giant spider in the room... even if the physicalness wasn't possible, I still had him as a companion, and my greatest at that.

To not cut him out though, I don't know... the last time he said that he still wanted to be friends. But after the last three years we've spent together, all the secrets we shared, intimacy and such... I just can't be friends with him. I could never be 100% happy for him if he found someone else, even if I had somebody of my own. There's always going to be something that still wants him.

Really, just avoid doing or saying anything that you will regret [trust me, I said some rash things out of anger/being upset and that makes it a hell of a lot more difficult to work around and I'm still trying to work it out]. I would also try to stay in touch, even if he doesn't reply he might just need time to clear his head but at the same time just try to find something to do that'll keep your mind off the situation a few hours a day.

I spent all day at work wondering what I would say to him... Even now I still don't know. I see him blinking on msn, and I want to push the button for a conversation but what would I say? What could I say? What wouldn't be desperate? Would he even reply? Would he even want to talk to me? Just... ugh...

If one or both significant others do not have their heart in the mix completely, which it seems like maybe your guy didn't, then bad things will happen as a result. The whole breaking it off, getting back together, breaking it off, getting back together thing should have been a big red flag that the past is a great indicator for the future. It probably wasn't going to work out from the moment you two split; especially if you don't have plans set in stone to come together, like I said, in the future.

and other tl;dr from Dee

You know what? It really should have. Especially with the very first break up which occured out of nowhere when he went back home (very long story, but I was in England at the time). And then a week later we got back together, and then broke up again... all under his own control.

The break up that occured months later on, was under a mutual decision actually.. we both felt that things were getting shaky... we found rebounds, and then came back together realizing that what we had was worth fighting for.

Regarding the whole dramatic world has crashed on me... it sort of feels like it. This is someone who I have come to depend on for the last 3 years. He's helped me through knee surgery and saw me at my worst moments through it. He knows all my secrets and fears, accepts me for my bad habits and body flaws and insecurities, and still (claimed) to love me through it all. To just lose someone like that, as opposed to any other boyfriend (of say a year or less together) then yeah... my world has crumbled around me and I'm trying to pick up the pieces.

He has a point about the whole "amazing for a couple of weeks" and then back to normal status in a couple. You stay with a person 3 years, and know pretty much all their flaws and know your turn offs towards them, then each time you say you have that "hooney moon" period it lasts less and less. Make sure this was not infatuation though.

Again, the whole honeymoon period is more of the rush of emotion we feel each time from missing each other so much. Each time we've been apart for at least 3/4 months and there's so much pent up emotions with missing each other that for the first few weeks/months of being back together, everything is all sugar and rainbows, making out and dates and sex. And then after a while, I still see him every day. It's not that I get bored of him, but the initial reaction isn't there anymore. I still love him all the same, but there isn't the need or urgancy of desperation knowing that our time may be short again.

Cut him out from your life, learn from your mistakes, and don't get in any more dedicated relationships unless you have a contingency plan. You clearly broke that cardinal rule here and it came to bite you in the rear. Sorry Channy, but guys are almost universally unwilling to provide long term emotional support unless you're planning on living with them. Tis the way of the world, though it's not like you'll have a particularly difficult time finding another boyfriend if you put in the effort.

I have to agree with Adamant here. It seems like, from what information you've given us (the long distance thing and the constant on and off relationship), the whole thing is just a doomed for an even worse conclusion if you do try to keep him in your life.

The thing is, we did live together about 3 times.. first overseas, and then when I came back home he shacked up with me and my folks both times... we never really did the whole 'dating' thing, we just jumped right into moving together..

And as much as I want to be strong enough to just cut him out, I don't think I am. Honestly, I'm a person who is so driven by my emotions rather than my head, that if he were to say that he made a mistake and didn't mean anything, he didn't know what he was saying... I would probably jump right on that and take him back. =/ I'm afraid to start life over again...

Everybody thanks for the best wishes. Today was a hard day at work, trying not to break for the first four hours... but after I went outside for 10mins and just cried really hard... the rest of the day was bearable. Even now I don't know what I want/should/need/is best for me to do. My folks say I should restrain from trying to talk to him until my emotions are stronger and held together, but I need to know. All day I came to the realization that this may just be a huge cope out. We came way too far for it to just end like this so easily, and I need to know why he's really doing this.

...on the other hand if I find out, it may crush me further.

 

[Gingerbread Lesbian]

This is exactly it. Even though he wasn't here for the last two months, the companionship was still there. He was still online for me to talk about my horrid boss, or a giant spider in the room... even if the physicalness wasn't possible, I still had him as a companion, and my greatest at that.

To not cut him out though, I don't know... the last time he said that he still wanted to be friends. But after the last three years we've spent together, all the secrets we shared, intimacy and such... I just can't be friends with him. I could never be 100% happy for him if he found someone else, even if I had somebody of my own. There's always going to be something that still wants him.

I think if you don't get back with him the best thing to do might be to keep in close contact and let it move on gradually then, to ditch him entirely in one go so early could probably do as much damage as not letting go at all. Of course, this entirely depends on whether or not you eventually get back together. As for the latter part, I'm no expert but if anything from the last 3 years meant anything to him he won't find anyone else soon, and eventually it'll be easier to accept someone else with him though that will take a hell of a lot of energy and time to get your head around if it happened.

I spent all day at work wondering what I would say to him... Even now I still don't know. I see him blinking on msn, and I want to push the button for a conversation but what would I say? What could I say? What wouldn't be desperate? Would he even reply? Would he even want to talk to me? Just... ugh...

I think it would be best to say whatever is on your mind, just think it through first to make sure it has no damaging impact and maybe to just let him listen rather than talk if need be. I don't think it overly matters planning what to say since I can guarantee you'll say something completely different anyway D;

 

[blakstang98]

I'm a civil person, for the most part, but this is one of those situations that I take a more brash approach. This is where I would say just cut him off completely. Being one to have attempted to maintain contact with an ex, I know from experience that it doesn't work. Unfortunately the Ross and Rachel situation doesn't happen in real life very often. If he starts seeing someone or you start seeing someone, it just creates all sorts of hate and discontent disguised as jealousy. When this happens, typically the cutting off completely happens, but I don't see any sense in waiting out for something like that to happen, just cut it off now. That's just my take on the ex as a friend situation.

And filling the time void is tough, but like I said, it's best to occupy your mind with other things so you can get past this. This doesn't prove to be easy, but it's better than dwelling on it. Time is the only real solution, and if you can fill empty voids with things until the timeline passes, then it'll be a lot easier to deal with (even though it's still very difficult).

 

[Channizard]

So here's how it went down... last night just before bed, he signed on... I had to say what was on my mind otherwise it was going to drive me nuts. I felt like there was something more to why he was breaking up with me, but alas... that was it.

I stayed up till about 3 am basically just asking the same question over and over, 'Why aren't you giving this one last chance?'

He said he was tired. He'd put his life on hold for the last three years and for what? Each time we (kind of) had a plan to stay together, but they always failed. So he said after a lot of thought, this was it... he just didn't see a future for us anymore because there was way too much work involved, and he hadn't been able to do anything with his life because of the constant back and forth.

I couldn't understand why this was happening now... now that he had a plane ticket back here... now that I had it all planned out with a Spousal Sponsorship Visa. Sure it would take a year to sort out and before he would be legal to work, but we'd be together, no?

He said he still had feelings for me, but it wasn't enough anymore. There just wasn't a future there.

After that, there wasn't anything I could do. I did and said everything in my power, trying to convince him that the latter relationship shortcomings we had were normal, and that we never actually did the whole 'dating' thing. Instantly because of the LD, we moved in together each time. There was no my house, his house, go home at the end of the night.... we were always together. He said that may have been a part of the problem in why we would get annoyed with each other after so long.

I did everything I could, short of begging him to come back. I mentioned that this was just another of those 'phases' he went through the last time, and that we're meant to be together. After 3 years, it wasn't just going to go down like this. But I told him that if he was really done with me, to send back anything he had of mine over there, as well as the money owed for the recent plane ticket. He obliged. I guess now, I'm obligated to do the same.

I think if you don't get back with him the best thing to do might be to keep in close contact and let it move on gradually then, to ditch him entirely in one go so early could probably do as much damage as not letting go at all. Of course, this entirely depends on whether or not you eventually get back together. As for the latter part, I'm no expert but if anything from the last 3 years meant anything to him he won't find anyone else soon, and eventually it'll be easier to accept someone else with him though that will take a hell of a lot of energy and time to get your head around if it happened.

Unfortunately I know I'm not strong enough for this. I want to move on as fast as possible, but that's just not going to happen if he's still around. He said he didn't want to stop talking and that eventually we'd still be friends, but after 3 years together, I could never just 'be friend' with him. Even if 5 years down the line from now we had our own partners, I would always still wonder.. what if...

I'm a civil person, for the most part, but this is one of those situations that I take a more brash approach. This is where I would say just cut him off completely. Being one to have attempted to maintain contact with an ex, I know from experience that it doesn't work. Unfortunately the Ross and Rachel situation doesn't happen in real life very often. If he starts seeing someone or you start seeing someone, it just creates all sorts of hate and discontent disguised as jealousy. When this happens, typically the cutting off completely happens, but I don't see any sense in waiting out for something like that to happen, just cut it off now. That's just my take on the ex as a friend situation.

Unfortunately I know you're right. Similar to above, I'll never look at him the same way as a friend. I felt the same way back two years ago when we first split, and even now. Especially now after all this time and investment in the relationship.

I've already moved his name down into a group at the bottom on my msn list. I can't bear to delete him, even if he is always on xbox and it says the same thing... but I also can't bear to look at his name and want to talk to him.

Despite everything that's happened I will want to talk to him, even if I don't want to be his friend. Why is all this relationship stuff so hard? =/

And filling the time void is tough, but like I said, it's best to occupy your mind with other things so you can get past this. This doesn't prove to be easy, but it's better than dwelling on it. Time is the only real solution, and if you can fill empty voids with things until the timeline passes, then it'll be a lot easier to deal with (even though it's still very difficult).

Well now I have 4 days after every work week to try and keep busy as much as possible. The actual break up day I spent going back from friend to friend to try and not think about it and cry, but all I did was talk about it and cry...

At least with it happening this time, I have family and friends. The first time this went down, I was alone in a new country, and he was my passport which I'd lost. It was possibly the hardest time on me A.) having to go through a tough breakup and B.) Being completely alone in it.

 

[Shu]

Bottom line is, do you feel that he can love you without the physical stuff? I mean I'm not saying deny him, even if it might be over for good this time, but if you were with eachother every day and you denied him of getting close with you. Do you think he could handle that? It just seems like he can't.

That or you get bored of the intimacy and he mistakes that as love. Which would be bad news bears.

 

[Channizard]

Bottom line is, do you feel that he can love you without the physical stuff? I mean I'm not saying deny him, even if it might be over for good this time, but if you were with eachother every day and you denied him of getting close with you. Do you think he could handle that? It just seems like he can't.

That or you get bored of the intimacy and he mistakes that as love. Which would be bad news bears.

I'm interpreting this in two different ways and kinda confused.. Long distance was always an issue.. we knew each other for about 6 months before getting together and clicked just as much as we did irl, but we decided not to do the online thing.. we've both been through it before, and they suck. So when we met, and after I went home, it was our only option. And granted, it was when all the break ups would happen... everything was peachy when we were together irl.

I don't think he can handle being apart. He used the same reason in that we spent so much over the last 3 years trying to make the relationship work, and had nothing to show for it... we still weren't together for good yet.

In the end, he just wasn't willing to work as hard in this relationship, which CLEARLY showed several times over throughout, but now it's obvious. I always made calls to immigration about our options, I had plans to change over some of my family's bills to put our names on, I was the one who emailed our private Visa agency to help him get the Work Permit, and in the end... I'm the one who's going to take them to court and get all the money back.

He just thought it too hard, and I wasn't worth it to him enough anymore... =/