I really don't want to be alive

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Razberry Knight

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What I feel right now is hatred. The strongest hatred to date. It has a lot of bitterness. I'm currently not where I want to be in life. Financially I'm considered somewhat successful, but at least what I tell family.


I recently lost the one person willing to understand the things I say. And I absolutely feel lonely. No one gets me. I feel like I live in a world full of cavemen or people who forget what I said 10 minutes ago. I feel like in Gravity Rush where the traveller would be saving things but Kat would have to find him in another location to hear the rest, only in my situation people don't hear the most important statements.


I want to be gone. I rather cut myself off completely from this world then to continue this torture of even trying to communicate with it. I only share this now because people suddenly care. And I rather not Pm people individually. Because the truthbis, you don't care.

If you truly cared, you would want to understand why I say the things I say. I'm not some hollow headed fan. I question things, I look at holes, inconsistencies and more I'm someone who thinks things far further than any other fan. If I hate something I look into it and why.

I truly want to be gone from this world. I really do. There is no time, there is no passing. I am done with this world. I'm tired of people acting like they want to understand and can't even keep up with what I'm saying.

I feel like fans will support anything if they bury the elephant in the room with Arrive Time Reports and confirmation of things we never cared about. I feel like the world can do whatever they want to me. And if they push more positive things, people will forget what they ever did to me.
 

Setzer Gabbiani

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I am really sorry to hear that you lost a important person. All I can say is that life is really hard now days, but that doesn't mean that it is impossible to live. People in life faces different situations where they feel like they can't acomplish their goals, have problems with financial things, etc. You just have to keep in mind that life goes on and there are ways that you could fight that anger that you have right now. The key to it is to find something that can keep you ocupied or keep you from thinking about it.

That is what I do when I feel deppresed or stressed out. By doing some activity allows your brain to focus on the duty that your doing and evading you from constantly thinking about any problems you have. This is my personal suggestion that I can offer to you right now. People will always talk negative about others because they feel like they are better than that person just to ruin their life. I personally ignore those type of person because they know that I can be better than them.

Let's take racisms as a example. How long has racisms been going on in life? That is something that it won't go away because is been going on for years now. The problem is that there are people judging others creating different problems without thinking of themself if they fall in the same situation. That is what some people don't understand the consecuences they might face in the future.

So I suggest you to keep calm and do some activity that you like to do or go out with your friends to distract the tension you have right now. Don't let that anger take control over you. By beeing angry won't solve any problems at all, on the contrary it will create more problems.
 

AuronX

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I don't want opinions about my situation. No one gets it. No one wants to get it. It shows.
Please don't put words in our mouths. If we didn't want to 'get it' we wouldn't be here.

Can you tell us what you do want? Aside from wanting to be gone. Because none of us want that for you.
 

Dr. Percival Cox

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It is a rather weighty state of mind. A crushing sensation where you feel as though your world has been reduced to a tiny room with an adjacent window with a thick blind that you've convinced yourself that you've no interest in peeking out of but you can't stop yourself. Because you want to be out there. Why else would you be posting on here were it not to communicate? You wish to be understood but it seems that you may have a hard time understanding. If you see the views and opinions of others as lesser than your own then you'll never feel connected. You're isolated but it is because you've chosen to be.

Perhaps you don't want a personal account but I've been there several times. Despite being an unsettling and frustrating state of mind where you're silently screaming to be saved, you ironically find it to be a safe zone because maybe you don't like what you are and think that if you don't let anyone in you can convince yourself of whatever you want to believe you are.

I might be pushing a button since I don't know the circumstance of your recent loss and feel free to enlighten me if I've crossed a line but it may be time to ask yourself a very serious question; Did this one person who truly "understood you" bring out your better qualities, or did they enable your worse ones which made you feel comfortable since you felt no need to change?

You say you live in a "world full of cavemen." Could this be something you tell yourself so you don't have to actually consider opinions you don't like, especially about yourself? Maybe it's not that other people don't understand you. Maybe you simply don't fully understand yourself and you're stuck in the midst of that mental perdition and have to tell yourself "I'm not wrong, they just don't get it."

The world is going, whether you're buckled in or not. You might as well hop on board with the rest of us troglodytes.
 

Razberry Knight

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Please don't put words in our mouths. If we didn't want to 'get it' we wouldn't be here.

Can you tell us what you do want? Aside from wanting to be gone. Because none of us want that for you.
I'm not putting words in your mouth. But when I'm saying you don't want to get it, Its not something that is said. Its something you feel. So I'm not putting words in your mouth, I'm interpreting you to what you disagree with.


What i want? I literally dont know anymore what i want. Maybe to be truly understood or maybe is to find one person. Maybe one person out there in the internet who is able to keep up with me, and not treat a debate lack a battle but truly look into understanding me.

For people to stop underestimating what I say and just actually "try" to understand. I pour only a small fragment of my heart out in the opening post. Not even half of it went in when I wrote it. If any thing it was frustration of people seemingly wanting to know my situation but not really wanting to truly know...for example:

It is a rather weighty state of mind. A crushing sensation where you feel as though your world has been reduced to a tiny room with an adjacent window with a thick blind that you've convinced yourself that you've no interest in peeking out of but you can't stop yourself. Because you want to be out there. Why else would you be posting on here were it not to communicate? You wish to be understood but it seems that you may have a hard time understanding. If you see the views and opinions of others as lesser than your own then you'll never feel connected. You're isolated but it is because you've chosen to be.
Why am I posting it here? Because I'm bombarded by PMs. I will admit. There was only one person who really wanted to get to know my rl situation and wasn't afraid to ask. To that person, you I truly respect.

But I'm sure this has to do with previous topics related to this forum. But I honestly think my views take consideration to a lot of other factors that others do not care about.I hold dearly certain values regarding vision and art, but also to preserve ones vision and making sure it is refined and also to not forget where one began. And the group is trying to convince me that's life, get over it. The industry is the way it is. It'll happen from time to time. And at the same time "I don't believe this is happening because I need a confirmation I know we will never get even if it ever did truly happen".

I definitely hold my "reasoning" at a higher regard then the others. Because the others aim to "win". I don't. I aim to "understand" and "be understood". I can see why they would think I want to win because I feel strongly about something. But so far no one was able to convince me through actual cold hard evidence that this is NOT happening.

When you aim to win, you could say one thing and then say another just to counter every point. And when i see through that, it shows me they're not trying to convince me they're right, just that I'm wrong.

When they see my points, and they see different points, they try to off it as contradiction (rather than the next step in understanding). Thats when they use anything I say against me as wrong. Not because it contradicts but because they simply didn't want or understand. they never ask me why I said point A and B.

That is very true in the majority of the discussion when it comes to anything related to this forum. And whenever I do try to lead people into my understanding and reason (regardless if they agree) usually every time when I'm feeding the right things and finally feel like I get to the point where we can say decisive statements that opens a new level of understanding or true understanding, people flat out walk away...they gave up. They couldn't keep up with the topic.
Perhaps you don't want a personal account but I've been there several times. Despite being an unsettling and frustrating state of mind where you're silently screaming to be saved, you ironically find it to be a safe zone because maybe you don't like what you are and think that if you don't let anyone in you can convince yourself of whatever you want to believe you are.
i'm not some tsundere archetype. I don't want to be in this world because I truly believe the one person who wanted to understand me and achieved it is gone. I'm now stuck in a world where everything I say is wrong or illogical or incomprehensible.

And this has been going on for quite sometime. Psychologist don't have an answer. And quite honestly it pisses me off paying someone to understand me and not having any of the benefits of understanding.



I might be pushing a button since I don't know the circumstance of your recent loss and feel free to enlighten me if I've crossed a line but it may be time to ask yourself a very serious question; Did this one person who truly "understood you" bring out your better qualities, or did they enable your worse ones which made you feel comfortable since you felt no need to change?
Your question offends me to no end. You have no idea who this person is. You say you we're in a similar situation but you don't ask me what's really going on. Do you even want to get to know what kind of person she is?

Fine...for those who want to know who she is. Allow me to enlighten you, I'll spoonfeed understanding to you. you see, if it hasn't become apparent. This is not a friend. This person was someone I had a strong romantic relationship. And despite being 2016, her family has not accepted her nor me and felt they needed to cut all ties to preserve their beliefs. Mine can barely stand the idea of us. We couldnt be romantic in front of them, at all. We couldnt hug, or hold hands. we couldnt even rest our head on the others shoulder without making someone in my family uncomfortable and we eventually moved so they can stand the sight of us (or lack of).

Which I admit my family has attempted to be supportive recently. And I suppose that's all I can ask. (But I'm not.)

So this person encouraging my bad habits? We didn't always agree with everything. But we knew when there was an impasse, it was because of equal forces. Usually because we saw something so fundamentally different about eachother yet equally strong. And we both accepted it.

But we did what I called the dance of understanding. I took a step, she took a step. We discussed many things. If we truly felt strongly about it, we would continue on. We would say "let me take a break and think about what you said". And a few days I and she would receive a response. if she felt I contradicted myself she would ask me why I said two seemingly contradicting points rather than jumping on it. Or if she brought it up, she used it as a challenge for clarification, not as a tally on her scoreboard.

It was true communication. True understanding or at least true pursuit of understanding. What we would never do is leave the other hanging. If we both felt something so strong and we played this dance, we wouldn't just drop it off and just say "well we can't agree. This is pointless. I give up". Thats winner/loser talk.

I didn't want to let anyone know about my love life for other reasons. However, I don't believe I misled anyone about my situation.

You say you live in a "world full of cavemen." Could this be something you tell yourself so you don't have to actually consider opinions you don't like, especially about yourself?
I also said I live in another dimension. i used that analogy far more often. Like in Gravity Rush where a Traveller would be talking to the main character Kat and he would disappear in mid sentence and then reappear at a later point in time and in a different location finishing off the sentence. This traveller could not perceive the interruption. He couldn't even perceive the change in location. To him, he was in the same location and Kat never left his sight.

I feel like I'm that traveller. Only instead, I can see everything that's being said, and yet not everyone can see what I've said. It seems the more importance I put on a point, the more it disappears. It isn't heard or it isn't seen. Like all the right clues into understanding my logic/reasoning suddenly dissapear between dimensions.

People saying the exact same crap to me, and I respond that I'm aware and have countered that point (for the 100th time) and this happens everywhere for the most blatant things.

The caveman analogy comes from the brute force of competitive.I imagine two cavemen "win" constantly or make someone else "lose". Because I feel so strongly about something, Ithey think my goal is to win. But the reality is for them to understand. And no one ever does or try to.

Maybe it's not that other people don't understand you. Maybe you simply don't fully understand yourself and you're stuck in the midst of that mental perdition and have to tell yourself "I'm not wrong, they just don't get it."
Its easy to say that, isn't it? However as easy is it to just try to find a reason why I think and feel the way I do. I can see you do not want to understand me. You just want to find the answer. Or what I simplify as "winning".

My opening post was only the first step in the dance of understanding. And rather than accepting that invitation what people are really looking for is to not dance and trying to take the least amount of steps and walking away.


And I get it. It's the fricken internet. Full of fans having fan-orgasms for minor and bigger things. And for the haters to hate anything indiscrimately without needing to find out why or what they're values are.
The world is going, whether you're buckled in or not. You might as well hop on board with the rest of us troglodytes.
I bang my head over and over wondering why you think we are at a point where you've convinced me.

Pretend you are me. You lost someone who you loved, who knew your soul and knows yours. Sure you're mourning, but the world literally feels different. You attempt to use as much points as possible, logic, reason. And you get the same responce over and over. Not just in forums. In real life. You try to talk to your parents, and they simply don't want to take what you say to heart, they're all looking for a God damn answer when you aren't looking for a God damn answer. All you want is to find a little ounce or a little piece of that taste in someone else who knows how to understand others and be understood and gain benefits of being understood. Even if it lasts one measily minute.


And let's pretend you are in a forum. You mention how awful you feel and how you lost someone. Now people are curious. You don't want to tell them because knowing them and understanding their approach, they will not even try to understand. they will automatically act like they know it all.

But who knows. Maybe just maybe will approach it the right way. But no....all you get is advise and opinions. No one truly wants to know more. They all just want to assume they have the answer.
 

Hugga_Bear

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When I was 19 I lost the woman I loved to tragic circumstance. In my head I had all of these fantastic ideals for our life. That we would go out and change the world with our brilliance, right the wrongs and bring forward a grand era of prosperity and wonder. I was wrong. She is gone and in her absence I became bitter and resentful. I spiralled into depression and insanity and for years I clawed at the world around me, furious at it for stealing my life from me.

I was an exceptional student when I was younger and after finally heading off to uni I became an exceptional student there. Throughout my life I've found it difficult to connect with people, some I find frustrating as they grasp at things that I can't help but comprehend. Sometimes I find them repulsive when a petty nature shines through and all their fears and cruelty are highlighted.

Still, I found friends, peers and contemporaries who pushed me a little here or there. I might be exceptionally smart but there's always some bugger around who knows more about logical proof or epistemology or metaphysical ethics or applied aesthetics. I use them, I talk to them and plumb them for information. Of all the fields I like to nose around in philosophy is where I've found the most willing participants. Like any field it has its close minded individuals but it seems to attract the open minded more often than not.

If kinship or some form of equal communication is what you're after then perhaps it's best to look for those who pride themselves on rationality. The blanket term philosopher probably fails at this, I've met hundreds of philosophers at this point (no great feat) and most are unsurprisingly human in their irrationality. There are places to go though, for those who would hone their mind.
If you're truly looking to learn and you have half the mind you believe you have, perhaps you can find some interest here and if you are exceptional, perhaps you could help the cause in the end:
http://lesswrong.com/

I don't know you and I don't know what you're feeling, or rather I don't feel what you're feeling. Pain is different for all of us. I know what it's like to feel alone, I know what it's like to feel that no one understands you. The world is idiotic, painfully stupid most of the time and filled with the short sighted and cruel. I know what it is to lose people who aren't any of those things. Mentors, friends and lovers have been and gone from my life, each of them taking a part of me and each time I nearly lost it. Each time I felt inches from destroying anything I could. Each time I survived and I've yet to wreak bloody vengeance on this apathetic universe.

I don't know. Maybe this helps, perhaps it doesn't. Seeking logic is a beautiful thing yet often torturous. No need for it to be lonely as well, go; find rational entities in a world of zombies and hone your mind on them. What else is there to do?
 

Razberry Knight

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I'm not looking for answers. I'm just providing a piece of a bigger issue that you all seem to want to know........


I'm tired of people trying to find answers.
 

Razberry Knight

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I'm not looking for answers. I'm just providing a piece of a bigger issue that you all seem to want to know........


I'm tired of people trying to find answers.
 

Hugga_Bear

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I'm not looking for answers. I'm just providing a piece of a bigger issue that you all seem to want to know........


I'm tired of people trying to find answers.
Earlier, in response to AuronX you said you weren't sure what you sought but suggested it may be an intellectual peer. I wasn't trying to be disingenuous when I suggested the LessWrong community. For years I was treated as exceptional, when I found that community I realised how far I have yet to go. They are incredibly smart individuals for the most part and their approach to debate is the healthiest I've ever seen. I heartily recommend spending time there, reading what they have written and the commentary below. They are the finest truth-seekers I know of and always strive to admit wrong and accept right.

I know what it's like to be misunderstood, I know how it feels to explain a thing a thousand times and still hear the same misinformed questions. I know I might come off as arrogant but better that than meekly hide what I've spent years learning. I am smart and likely as a result I see the world differently to most people. Things that nearly everyone in the world seems to accept without question stick in my mind and cloy my senses. People think me mad for half the things I think about but I suppose it's only fair; I consider the rest of the world insane for not thinking about them.

I don't want this to seem lecturing, I know it may come off as that but I am trying to display empathy here. I've been in a situation not unlike yours. That doesn't mean I know what you feel, not at all. It does mean that I've been hurt and lost and angry and confused. I've felt adrift in the universe because I had absolutely no idea what the hell I wanted to do next. I've felt entirely calm, collected and sure of myself and still hollow and empty because I just don't want anything. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and the world kept moving like it was all good. People treated me no differently. I felt like everything should have stopped, the skies should have torn open but they didn't. Life resumed. I was unimpressed.

if you're looking for the like minded please check out the Bayesian Rationalists over at LessWrong, they're a wonderful community and seem to be the kind of debaters you seek.
If you don't know what you want then...I get it. I don't know what else I can offer in that case except to sympathise, as little good as that does. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
 

Shu

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What I feel right now is hatred. The strongest hatred to date. It has a lot of bitterness. I'm currently not where I want to be in life. Financially I'm considered somewhat successful, but at least what I tell family.


I recently lost the one person willing to understand the things I say. And I absolutely feel lonely. No one gets me. I feel like I live in a world full of cavemen or people who forget what I said 10 minutes ago. I feel like in Gravity Rush where the traveller would be saving things but Kat would have to find him in another location to hear the rest, only in my situation people don't hear the most important statements.


I want to be gone. I rather cut myself off completely from this world then to continue this torture of even trying to communicate with it. I only share this now because people suddenly care. And I rather not Pm people individually. Because the truthbis, you don't care.

If you truly cared, you would want to understand why I say the things I say. I'm not some hollow headed fan. I question things, I look at holes, inconsistencies and more I'm someone who thinks things far further than any other fan. If I hate something I look into it and why.

I truly want to be gone from this world. I really do. There is no time, there is no passing. I am done with this world. I'm tired of people acting like they want to understand and can't even keep up with what I'm saying.

I feel like fans will support anything if they bury the elephant in the room with Arrive Time Reports and confirmation of things we never cared about. I feel like the world can do whatever they want to me. And if they push more positive things, people will forget what they ever did to me.
I haven't been around in a bit, but let me say a few things. The threat of suicide is a very serious thing. I am not your father, mother, brother, personal friend, and/or coach - but let me give you a bit of advice. Life will teach you many, many harder lessons than what is on a public forum with anonymous posting.

When you make idle claims, and I'm not getting on to you about this, I'm more telling you as a person right now, please realize people will recoil / and or respond different than you expect them too. Suicide leads to a lot of questions in people around you and is the single most narcissistic thing. Life is super easy to end, but living through all the drama builds a person and character.

If I knew you, sure I'd give you a hug or handshake or any other form of affection that reflects as friendly and consoling. Though do yourself a favor, if you post things that come off a rude and someone takes offense - then ease the throttle. Not everyone wants to be name called or backed into a corner. Debates are meant to be intense, but if you fear you are losing one, the least you can do is agree to the pro or con and respect their opinion. I'm not asking you to give in either, just respect the individual.

No everyone is out to get you. Not everyone is an arse. And no one is perfect in their logic.

Have a good one.
 

Razberry Knight

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Hugga_Bear I don't feel like I'm smarter than people in general. But I feel like people just give up so easily when trying to understand me....I don't know how many times I posted that I don't want an answer. At least not yet. And yet I have a bunch of people judging me and not being everything, and no one asking. Everyone just wants to give me an answer...
Shu you don't know me. But if you call anyone suicidal a narcissist, even if you claim we're at suicidal at one point.

I don't know why people want to give me an answer after specifically saying countless times I don't want an answer. I posted this because people kept bugging me and I'm giving them what they wanted to know..it's clear none of you want to know me.

Life builds character? Or dealing anything Eve builds character. But I could care less? At this point.

I'm not suicidal. If there was away of disappearing from this world without killing myself. I would do it. But yes...I have decided what I'm going to do. Its just a waiting ggame.

I literally gave up on people reading what I say, hearing me, and this has a lot to do with every day, day to day life. I have a psychiatrist who doesn't really understand me either.

I lost the one person who did understood me. All of you judge me and think you know me...you think this is about something you deal with. But I have to wait hours, maybe days just to simplify something. I have to find the most basic English words and organize it in the most basic of sentences and even then. Even when I put it in plain English. No one gets it...


I don't want answers. If you want to know me, would you throw answers at me? No, you do what any other human would do. But God...do I feel like an alien. The most basic human thing to do, no one is capable of doing....


Stop giving me answers if you don't know me.
 

Shu

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Do you know what the definition is of flipping the bit? If not, I urge you to read "Masters of Doom" with both of the John's who created Quake/Doom and other glorious titles. John Carmack is a super complicated individual but is one of the most influential minds of this generation. I would even so bravely say (with an analogy), that John Carmack did more for computers/computer gaming than Elon Musk did for the automotive industry. The only problem with John Carmack was, no one understood him. When John Carmack came out of his shell and was a person, Romero described him as "flipping the bit" which in computer language that means going from 0 to 1 or False to True.

His mind was isolated to making game engines more and more complex, but not complicated. What I mean is, he turned a simple physics model of being able to only play First Person Shooter's using the X axis in Wolfenstein and Doom to going all out in Quake and taking full advantage of the X and Y axis and beautifully handling the frame rate at the same time. Do you know complex and out of the box you have to be in order to do this?

Anyway, why the hell am I telling you all this? I'm saying that maybe you are misunderstood because you are intelligent. Maybe your way of thinking is way different than the average Joe like, Mr. Carmack himself. It took him to be in total isolation away from Romero and the others crazy fellas at "Id" to create his brilliant and beautifully written software. Maybe you are like him and need a person to be a spokes person to frame your beautiful mind. Without conditions and parameters a mind can go crazy alone. People help define us and the logic chips in our head need rewiring every now and again. Your spokes person will always be "temporary." Though I'm sure they will notice when you take your own self - governed path in life.

Am I telling you to be anything? No. I'm not giving you answers as you so phrased it, I'm just trying to say we are all not wired the same way. Half of my day I have to be sure to say very non opinionated, non biased statements due to work is work. Trying to relate to those at work is useless due to when we all go home, we all live different lives. Though I am a humanist, so it's natural I try to relate to some, otherwise my core energy is only my own.

Most of the days I come home and my energy is gone, due to my introverted ways. Most people I work with are extroverts, so it's natural they are energy suckers. They aren't bad people, they just like to tell you about their day and about all the other trivial stuff because they need to use your energy to refuel their tank.

Again how does this relate to you. Find your place. There's your answer. Find what I call, Home. Don't bring anyone down, unless you are willing to be responsible for the repercussions. I reiterate, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and Ownership of all actions and words you say.

Don't throw something away for One person. If you think people don't understand that, then why post on a forum about all this mess anyway? Why would we care unless we can relate? Unless you are using it as a form of a diary to vent, though by now you know there is a lot better "diary" apps and websites out there that are in the public eye. How are we to know you if you reject before you accept? That's a form of judgement.

The only "advice" I have is again, take responsibility, and make more of a dent in the planet prior to your departure. Hell, I'm not even asking you to be a human, there are plenty of people that I would call aliens (due to their way of thinking is so different). No one can give you your answer, but only relate to you with experience.
 

Mitsuki

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After much discussion with admins regarding any form of threats (self-harm included) I'm going to close this thread. Sorry that you are going through this, but we can't help much here any more than suggest you that you talk to someone who might understand your situation. I'm not trying to be patronizing, and I will not advice you on anything because I don't have the proper credentials to do so, but please understand that threads like this will not be taken lightly in the future.

If others would like to offer a listening ear then it would be best to do this in a more private manner.

Thank you for the members who took their time to reply and offer a friendly gesture. You have my respect.
 
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