Serious Here Goes...

[Serah]

For awhile now I've had a lot of things weighing down on me. I touched on it a tad in the shoutbox and was told I was being selfish for not going to my friends about it, but if you know me you will always know I'm not the type of person to burden my friends with all my problems and I usually always keep everything to myself. I'm not trying to be selfish or offend anybody at all, it's just that I don't like to express my feelings a lot because of some things that had happened to me in the past, but I suppose I can try one more time and hope this doesn't backfire on me.

Basically it's like this. Not long ago, I had a falling out with some friends. It got really bad. Like to the point of where they were completely ignoring me or talking about me behind my back and in so many words, saying what a horrible person I was. I was already overwhelmed with a lot of stress in my home life like financial and marital problems (that are quite personal and I really don't want to get into them), medical problems and such. I suffer from epilepsy and stress is a massive trigger for me. When I become overwhelmed by stress and upset, I have seizures. I had a pretty bad one, fell and hit my head on a metal filing cabinet and was rushed to the hospital that day. For awhile they couldn't bring me out of the seizure. I just kept having it until I was told they sedated me which eventually helped bring me out of it. I eventually woke up (which I don't remember anything except after I woke up...this is only what hubby has told me) and ended up going home late that night/early that morning with a concussion and that was it. I got very lucky. Perhaps too lucky, who knows really.

After all that, I ended up losing a very dear friend (who shall remain nameless), somebody I'd been very close to for a long time. I regarded her as a sister figure and loved her dearly. I also cared deeply for her family and their well-being. She just up and stopped talking to me. To this day, I still have no idea why. I pleaded with her to please tell me why and she repeatedly told me she wouldn't elaborate. So, I stopped bothering her. Last month, she told me she wanted to end the friendship. To this day, I still don't understand or even know why. It hurt a lot and still really hurts, but I suppose that's not important to her since she won't speak to me. I even poured my heart out to her and she still disregarded me. So, that's one thing that's constantly weighing on me, but I try to just ignore and brush it off. It's done and over with, why dwell? But I won't lie, it does still hurt.

Another one is that my husband and I had our bank account hacked into and they stole over $1000 of our money, leaving us really in the hole because bills were coming out of the account and then we were charged overdraft fees. It put us about -$500 in the hole. It really took a toll on us. We couldn't pay bills, we barely had food to eat, we could barely even do Christmas for our son, Logan and we weren't able to do Christmas for each other at all which I know really brought my husband down. We had no money to put gas in our car for him to get back and forth to work, so he had to carpool with his best friend and rely on my stepdad to drive him there on the days that his best friend didn't work. When it was all said and done, we ended up being almost -$600 in the hole. He got paid, most of his check covered all those overdraft and late charges leaving us with maybe a little over $200 if we got lucky. He gets paid every other week, so we were going for 2 weeks at a time trying to figure out how to pay bills and survive on what little money we had. So you have that. Victims of fraud and identity theft is never a fun trip.

The next one is probably the biggest blow of this year. A couple of weeks ago Dave and I found out that I was pregnant. We were gonna have another new little edition to the family. With as exciting of news it was, I had been warned by three different gynos that it's highly probable with all the problems I have medically in regards to my inner female organs I wouldn't be able to carry another child, but that it was not necessarily impossible to either considering I was able to carry Logan to full term. It was truly exciting to know I was pregnant and gonna have another baby, but that constant thought sat with me in the back of my mind. A little over a week after I found out, we lost the baby.

I want another baby so very very badly and this is the 2nd miscarriage I've had. With all the trauma from Logan's birth, it's likely I won't be able to carry another baby to term, and it just is absolutely killing me. I usually hide my feelings and don't let it be known, but it really hurts. It feels like somebody just keeps repeatedly stuffing their hand through my chest and ripping my heart out. I'm not sure how else to really explain the type of pain this puts me through. It makes me feel like less of a woman because I can't carry a baby. It makes me feel like I won't be able to give my husband the daughter he wants and that I'm useless when it comes to being able to carry his child. I don't know...it's so hard to explain what it feels like because there's really no explanation as to what this truly feels like. You'd have to go through what I have to truly understand. I'm not sure how else to help you understand.

And the last one, well it probably sounds rather silly, but my pet parakeet, Kiki, of 3 years died today. Just adding that on top of the loss of my baby is just really really affecting me. I was quite attached to her and I'm just really...I dunno...heartbroken I guess? I don't know. I feel like I've lost what it feels like to be truly happy and I'm not sure how to get that feeling back. So...there you go. That's what all is wrong. That is what all is constantly weighing down on me like a ton of bricks. You probably sit there, shaking your heads and wondering how this much can happen to one person, but I assure it has and I assure you that this has not been easy writing up, nor is it really easy to pour all of it out, but since I was accused of being selfish because I'm not talking to people about my problems (which I still don't understand why me keeping things to myself and not wanting to burden my friends is selfish...but whatever) I figured I'd go ahead and post this. Please understand this isn't something I do. I don't usually ever post things publically like this, I'm not out for attention or anything as such. I guess I just really can't keep this all in anymore and needed somewhere to vent. What better place to do it than where most of my friends are. Sorry for the extremely massive post here. I'm sorry if it's a but I need to get it out I guess.

 

[Lebreau]

Oh Mandi, you're certainly not selfish. You're trying to protect your friends and putting us (or them, if I'm not counted here ) before yourself. Keeping everything to yourself makes it hurt more though, and I'm glad you've posted this.

I still don't know a lot about epilepsy, even after talking to you about it some, but stress is hard to avoid. =/ I hope there's something you can do to release it, like your drawing or gaming or music, something like that, so it doesn't build up badly again. You said you don't like putting your problems on other people, but it will probably help to share what's wrong. Hopefully you'll never have such a bad seizure ever again. <3

Now, on to your friend. It's very odd for someone you were so close to to drop you as she seems to have done, but maybe something in her life made her different and try to shut you out? Just a suggestion, I could be totally off. I wish she would tell you what's wrong, but if she doesn't speak to you that's not really an option I suppose. Just because it's over and done with doesn't mean it isn't still going to hurt. D= It sucks when you lose a friend, especially when you don't know why and they won't speak to you. I hope she comes around eventually. =/

Ughhhh hackers don't make sense to me. Why can't they go hack Bill Gates or something and not normal families? The consequences of what some stupid hacker did sound absolutely awful, and while I can't sympathize with it, I still can tell that would be horrible to go through. Hopefully everything will get back to normal financially, if it hasn't already.

Oh Mandi. ._. I was so excited for you, you sounded so happy about it. I really hoped this wouldn't happen and that everything would work out for you. I don't know what to say, since like you said, it's hard to understand how you feel without going through it. Don't feel like you have to hide your feelings all the time, please. If talking helps, find someone you know you can talk to. I know it's hard, especially with the friend bit you mentioned earlier, but I think it might help you some. I hope writing up this post did. =)

Being upset about Kiki doesn't sound silly at all, it's really hard to lose a pet or anything you care about. 3 years is a long time to have an animal and certainly long enough to get very attached to one.

I'm certainly not shaking my head and wondering how it can all happen to one person. I don't think you would make any of this up for attention or whatever, you're not like that. I don't think it's selfish at all, as I mentioned before, it's selfless if anything. You're just trying to protect people you care about. I think you're brave to post this, since it looks like it must've been really hard to write out and I hope that this helps you. Remember, whenever you need to talk, I'm here. <3

 

[Dark Adonis Wilt]

I'm sorry you've had so much loss in such a short amount of time. And I understand you feel as if it's no one else's problem but your own. I'm happy to see you open up, I really appreciate it.

With your friend, losing people you care about is hard, especially through rejection. But the fact is if they don't want you in their life, that is their choice to make. I know closure is important, but maybe it is for the best to bury that hatchet and live it be for now. You have many other friends out there, I'm sure where one falls another will rise. You should focus your attention towards those who stand with you during hard times, not abandon you.

Money is always a problem. Always something out there to zap away every last cent you have. I'm sorry you couldn't have much of a christmas this year, but there will be many more down the road. Don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure when Logan is older he will understand why, I know I have memories like that. I know it's been said before, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Getting to the top doesn't come without struggle and sacrifice, you'll get there eventually. I will say Mandi that I don't see a lot of quit in you, it's admirable. You'd make a good MMA fighter lol.

With your pregancy, I can't say I know where your coming from. But I know loss is tough. Just allow yourself to express what you're feeling, whether you need to let yourself scream, cry, or punch something. Bottling up all this negativity can and will eventually blow up and haunt you. And you make it seem like this is your fault somehow. You have no reason to feel like a failure, mistakes happen. The biggest thing is allowing yourself to become healthy again. Allow your body time to heal, stop stressing yourself out.

You have a lot on your plate, and it is most definitely overwhelming. But you have all the drive in the world to push past that and keep going. Only thing holding you back is you, so stop with the self pity and begin picking up the pieces. I'm not saying you can't be sad. By all means be sad when you feel it, and let yourself vent those emotions. But don't doubt yourself, or think "What if" or "I did this or that". Be optimistic and tell yourself "why not".

Think about the good things in your life, not so much the bad. Use the bad as a way to better yourself. Figure out what you can do to make yourself stronger, more complete. I know you can do that, Mandi. So as Johnny Depp once put it, are you a mexican or a mexicant? Huh Mandi?

 

[Abstract Debauchery]

Yeah, I'm going to do you a serious solid and stop with the "we"s for the time being.

I'm kind of social awkward at this kind of thing, so I may come off as an asshole. I really don't mean to be though, and if I am, I'm immensely sorry.

I touched on it a tad in the shoutbox and was told I was being selfish for not going to my friends about it,

Who said this? They're wrong, and I'm in the right mind to bitch slap the person who said it. Not talking to your friends about your problems is not "selfish". If you want to keep something that's bothering you to yourself, that's fine.

I'll be damned if you're selfish for not wanting to burden someone else. Seriously... Frak that guy.

it's just that I don't like to express my feelings a lot because of some things that had happened to me in the past, but I suppose I can try one more time and hope this doesn't backfire on me.

I'm the same exact way. If I'm having problems in my life, like right now, I don't tell anyone anything. I keep it to myself because it's my problem. If you want to share it, you can. I'll be damned if anyone wants to state otherwise.

Not long ago, I had a falling out with some friends. It got really bad. Like to the point of where they were completely ignoring me or talking about me behind my back and in so many words, saying what a horrible person I was.

If a friend starts assaulting you behind your back because you're having a falling out, they're not much of a friend. They could have talked to you at anytime, or just asked if anything was wrong.

If someone starts talking trash just because they're out of touch, then that's a sorry friend.

I suffer from epilepsy and stress is a massive trigger for me. When I become overwhelmed by stress and upset, I have seizures. I had a pretty bad one, fell and hit my head on a metal filing cabinet and was rushed to the hospital that day.

I can't imagine what that must have been like. The closest I've ever come to a seizure is a panic attack. I've known people that have had seizures before, and they all tell me it's so much worse than that. So I can only imagine what it's like.

However, going through so much stress that you have a day long seizure is bad. And anyone that's calling you terrible should seriously consider slapping themselves in the back of the head... Hard.

Personally, I'm just glad that you're okay. FFF wouldn't be the same without Mandi around.

She just up and stopped talking to me. To this day, I still have no idea why. I pleaded with her to please tell me why and she repeatedly told me she wouldn't elaborate.

I know this one all too well. It's happened to me countless times. It sounds as if someone was spreading some sort of rumor around about you, and it got to her. I see things like that all the time, and it sucks that she won't talk to you about it. The least she can give you is an explanation.

Victims of fraud and identity theft is never a fun trip.

I've never been a victim of fraud, or identity theft, but I know perfectly damned well what it's like being broke.

I was homeless for 2 months before. Going back and forth to friends houses before I got to the point where I had nowhere to turn. Sleeping in a box isn't fun. Being broke and not being able to help yourself, or your loved ones isn't any better... At all.

The thing that matters is that you are getting through it. Even if it is just one step at a time. Every small step forward is a major victory.

Lots of people like to say, "money doesn't buy happiness." They only say that because they have no idea what rock bottom really feels like.

A little over a week after I found out, we lost the baby.

You'd have to go through what I have to truly understand. I'm not sure how else to help you understand.

I had a friend that had two miscarriages. I never thought she would get over the first one. It took her about half a year before you could tell that she was over it. But when the second one hit, she went into a total reclusive state. She talked to no one, looked at no one, and hardly ate.

I can't ever know what that feels like, but from what I saw, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I truly am sorry, and I do hope that one day things will get better, and that everything works out.

(I know that sounds awkward, and again, I'm sorry. I'm really no good at these things. )

And the last one, well it probably sounds rather silly, but my pet parakeet, Kiki, of 3 years died today. Just adding that on top of the loss of my baby is just really really affecting me.

When I was 14 I had a cat named Miko: The greatest cat ever. I loved that cat, and I had him for years. He died on my 17th birthday. I still haven't gotten over it. You have a pet for so long, and then one day they're not there licking you in the face in the morning to wake you up. I still feel awkward in the morning.

You probably sit there, shaking your heads and wondering how this much can happen to one person, but I assure it has and I assure you that this has not been easy writing up, nor is it really easy to pour all of it out,

Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people. Even worse is that Murphy (Murphy's laws) was right: What can go wrong, will in fact go wrong. And often at the most inconvenient of times.

The only thing that I can tell you is that things will get better. And often enough, sometimes they get worse before they do. However, every dark cloud does indeed have a silver lining, and I can promise you that things will get better.

but since I was accused of being selfish because I'm not talking to people about my problems

I don't get this statement at all. I could rant on for a good hour about it, but I'll just simply say they should be slapped... HARD.

Final Thoughts: You're brave for posting this at all. I wouldn't have talked about anything period. Mainly because I tend to withdraw myself from others, and keep everything to myself. I hope things get better for you, and I hope they get better soon. I'm pretty sure that I'm not alone in saying that everyone here at FFF wishes you much love, and much luck.

 

[Serah]

Right, sorry I didn't reply to this until the morning, but yesterday was a long day and I was really exhausted and wanted to wait until I had my morning coffee and was awake to respond to you all.

Oh Mandi, you're certainly not selfish. You're trying to protect your friends and putting us (or them, if I'm not counted here ) before yourself. Keeping everything to yourself makes it hurt more though, and I'm glad you've posted this.

I really appreciate that, Jess thanks. You see? That is exactly what I've been trying to do. I didn't exactly want people to know I'm going through a really hard time in my life and have been for awhile. I don't want people to know that I'm suffering because I don't want them to worry. I don't know about you guys, but when my friends are going through hard times and they come to me to tell me and talk to me about it, I worry about them. If they're anything like me, I don't want to worry them as well. And of course, Jess you're counted. xD You are my friend after all. <3

Oh Mandi. ._. I was so excited for you, you sounded so happy about it. I really hoped this wouldn't happen and that everything would work out for you. I don't know what to say, since like you said, it's hard to understand how you feel without going through it. Don't feel like you have to hide your feelings all the time, please. If talking helps, find someone you know you can talk to. I know it's hard, especially with the friend bit you mentioned earlier, but I think it might help you some. I hope writing up this post did. =)

I'll try and remember that, but like I said above, I just don't want to worry anybody. Not to mention you've hit the nail on the head. I've become afraid to tell people because I'm worried that they're just going to drop me as a friend with no explanation. I also don't like being accused of something I'm not which has happened in the past when I've tried to express myself. That's why I'm quiet. That's why you usually don't see me talking about this kind of stuff with anybody and that I just try and keep a cheerful persona around others when inside I'm not cheerful at all. Like I said, I can't explain it. It's too difficult to put it into words.

I'm certainly not shaking my head and wondering how it can all happen to one person. I don't think you would make any of this up for attention or whatever, you're not like that. I don't think it's selfish at all, as I mentioned before, it's selfless if anything. You're just trying to protect people you care about. I think you're brave to post this, since it looks like it must've been really hard to write out and I hope that this helps you. Remember, whenever you need to talk, I'm here. <3

I'm glad to know you're not and no I certainly wouldn't do something like that either. I'm not out for attention, and I hate being accused as such. If I were, I would've posted this a long time ago and whined about it continuously which I haven't. Anyway thank you, Jess. I will remember that. <3 I know you are.

I'm sorry you've had so much loss in such a short amount of time. And I understand you feel as if it's no one else's problem but your own. I'm happy to see you open up, I really appreciate it.

With your friend, losing people you care about is hard, especially through rejection. But the fact is if they don't want you in their life, that is their choice to make. I know closure is important, but maybe it is for the best to bury that hatchet and live it be for now. You have many other friends out there, I'm sure where one falls another will rise. You should focus your attention towards those who stand with you during hard times, not abandon you.

I already know this, so why are you shoving that back in my face? It's a little difficult to bury the hatchet and I can't explain why, but it is. I know I have many other friends out there. I've not forgotten about them. I DO focus my attention on them, but you were ragging on me in the shoutbox last night to vent and here I am doing it and now you're practically twisting my words and making it feel a lot worse that it already did.

Money is always a problem. Always something out there to zap away every last cent you have. I'm sorry you couldn't have much of a christmas this year, but there will be many more down the road. Don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure when Logan is older he will understand why, I know I have memories like that. I know it's been said before, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Getting to the top doesn't come without struggle and sacrifice, you'll get there eventually. I will say Mandi that I don't see a lot of quit in you, it's admirable. You'd make a good MMA fighter lol

I never once said I wanted to quit. I usually am a strong person, but weren't you telling me last night in the shoutbox that there's a limit even for strong people?

With your pregancy, I can't say I know where your coming from. But I know loss is tough. Just allow yourself to express what you're feeling, whether you need to let yourself scream, cry, or punch something. Bottling up all this negativity can and will eventually blow up and haunt you. And you make it seem like this is your fault somehow. You have no reason to feel like a failure, mistakes happen. The biggest thing is allowing yourself to become healthy again. Allow your body time to heal, stop stressing yourself out.

Because it DOES feel like my fault. I feel like I've done something wrong and don't understand why I can't be like any other normal woman out there who's had more than one child. Like I said previously, you'd have to actually experience what all of this is like to understand. And it's not like I'm stressing myself out intentionally here. There are a lot of things I'd rather not disclose going on in my life that stresses me out without me even allowing them to. It just happens.

You have a lot on your plate, and it is most definitely overwhelming. But you have all the drive in the world to push past that and keep going. Only thing holding you back is you, so stop with the self pity and begin picking up the pieces. I'm not saying you can't be sad. By all means be sad when you feel it, and let yourself vent those emotions. But don't doubt yourself, or think "What if" or "I did this or that". Be optimistic and tell yourself "why not".

Think about the good things in your life, not so much the bad. Use the bad as a way to better yourself. Figure out what you can do to make yourself stronger, more complete. I know you can do that, Mandi. So as Johnny Depp once put it, are you a mexican or a mexicant? Huh Mandi?

You know...I don't understand you at all. You're sitting there yelling at me and calling me selfish in the shoutbox last night because I didn't want to vent out my problems to people, and now that I have you're accusing me of self pity? I am doing the best I CAN to pick up the pieces, but when so much happens to you in a certain amount of time how can you expect a person to just get right back up on her feet and keep going? I'm TRYING the best that I can, but I sure as hell am not wallowing in self pity either. I choose to try and keep everything out of my mind as best as possible, but the loss of my baby is still fresh and it's affecting me. Loss is never easy.

I can't imagine what that must have been like. The closest I've ever come to a seizure is a panic attack. I've known people that have had seizures before, and they all tell me it's so much worse than that. So I can only imagine what it's like.

However, going through so much stress that you have a day long seizure is bad. And anyone that's calling you terrible should seriously consider slapping themselves in the back of the head... Hard.

Personally, I'm just glad that you're okay. FFF wouldn't be the same without Mandi around.

They are very terrifying. I usually get some sort of warning sign before it happens, like I start feeling really sick and like...detached from reality and then the next thing I know I'm waking up completely disoriented, not knowing where I'm at, suffering from some memory loss, not knowing who I am until I wake up more and then I go through this bought of where I feel like I'm going to be sick and I do my best to will it away and it usually does go away. After that it's like the worst headache in existence and I usually end up sleeping for about 3 hours afterward. The one in the hospital, I can't even begin to describe to you what I felt like when I woke up.

I know this one all too well. It's happened to me countless times. It sounds as if someone was spreading some sort of rumor around about you, and it got to her. I see things like that all the time, and it sucks that she won't talk to you about it. The least she can give you is an explanation.

That's an idea I tossed around as well. I just really don't understand and I'm still so very confused. She's not going to though and she ended the friendship, so it's not really worth worrying about anymore. It's over, so... =/

I've never been a victim of fraud, or identity theft, but I know perfectly damned well what it's like being broke.

I was homeless for 2 months before. Going back and forth to friends houses before I got to the point where I had nowhere to turn. Sleeping in a box isn't fun. Being broke and not being able to help yourself, or your loved ones isn't any better... At all.

The thing that matters is that you are getting through it. Even if it is just one step at a time. Every small step forward is a major victory.

Lots of people like to say, "money doesn't buy happiness." They only say that because they have no idea what rock bottom really feels like.

That's horrible, Ringo. I had no idea you'd gone through any of that. Dave and I went through something similar when we were first together. We lived in our car for awhile until his sister eventually moved us out to Michigan to live with her and help get us on our feet. I'm not sure exactly what it's like to live in a box, but I do know what it's like to be homeless and be broke. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I had a friend that had two miscarriages. I never thought she would get over the first one. It took her about half a year before you could tell that she was over it. But when the second one hit, she went into a total reclusive state. She talked to no one, looked at no one, and hardly ate.

I can't ever know what that feels like, but from what I saw, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I truly am sorry, and I do hope that one day things will get better, and that everything works out.

(I know that sounds awkward, and again, I'm sorry. I'm really no good at these things.)

So while you may not completely understand, you do have a general idea of what this is like. I just hope it doesn't take me that long to recover from it. I was a mess over my last miscarriage and it did take about a year to get over, but I'm just hoping this one doesn't ruin me again. I'm hoping that maybe I can be a bit stronger this time around, but tbh right now is looking pretty hopeless.

I really appreciate it, Ringo. Thank you. And no, it doesn't sound awkward at all.

I don't get this statement at all. I could rant on for a good hour about it, but I'll just simply say they should be slapped... HARD.

Final Thoughts: You're brave for posting this at all. I wouldn't have talked about anything period. Mainly because I tend to withdraw myself from others, and keep everything to myself. I hope things get better for you, and I hope they get better soon. I'm pretty sure that I'm not alone in saying that everyone here at FFF wishes you much love, and much luck.

I don't either, but...I guess that's just their opinion of me.

Thanks. x_x I don't feel very brave for posting this tbh. I feel like I'm just whining like a little baby and people are going to read my post and go "omg what's her problem" or "fuck what is SHE whining about" and shit like that. That's another reason I don't like venting my problems and this was not by any means easy to post. Anyway, thank you very much, Ringo. I appreciate it all very much. You're a very good friend. <3

 

[Dark Adonis Wilt]

Mandi, I ain't saying it out of hate for you or anything. But that fact is it's tough love. Just because you may not like what I have to say, doesn't mean I don't care. But feeling like things are only your burden, and allowing yourself to suffer longer and alone isn't going to help. And I never expect you to bounce off your ass in just a minute, but you'll never get off your ass if you don't talk about it.

And whether you believe me or not, losing your child isn't your fault. What more could you have done. And you are causing yourself stress, by taking all this on your own. Why bite off more than you can chew. And self pity is nothing more than taking the blame for everything, and carrying it all on your own because you feel that you deserve it, which you don't.

And I know your trying, but you can't do it alone Mandi. So why not let people in, and help you. You know, you were the first member on this forum I talked to. You were more than willing to talk and help me with my problems. Why won't you allow me or anyone else the same respect. You can say I'm attacking you or whatever, but I say it because you need to hear it.

 

[.Ted]

Thanks. x_x I don't feel very brave for posting this tbh. I feel like I'm just whining like a little baby and people are going to read my post and go "omg what's her problem" or "fuck what is SHE whining about" and shit like that. That's another reason I don't like venting my problems and this was not by any means easy to post.

We all have problems, and it's no use being @#$[beep]s to the people who are suffering. I've had my share as well, and many times I could have used some sympathy, which is why I'm not going to be mean. Yes, it is your problem. But the fact that you were brave enough to post it means you wanted our help, or at least or opinion and sympathy. It must be really bad. I'd be an ignorant @#$[beep] if I just sat there judging you without knowing the stress and burdens you're going through.

I suffer from epilepsy and stress is a massive trigger for me. When I become overwhelmed by stress and upset, I have seizures. I had a pretty bad one, fell and hit my head on a metal filing cabinet and was rushed to the hospital that day. For awhile they couldn't bring me out of the seizure. I just kept having it until I was told they sedated me which eventually helped bring me out of it. I eventually woke up (which I don't remember anything except after I woke up...this is only what hubby has told me) and ended up going home late that night/early that morning with a concussion and that was it. I got very lucky. Perhaps too lucky, who knows really.

I once had a friend -- God rest her soul -- that would just collapse sometimes. Perhaps her situation was more or less critical than yours, but knowing the things she was already going through just saddened me. Epilepsy while being in your situation, well, I don't want to think about it.

You know the saying "What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger." I kinda agree. It didn't make you stronger, but the fact that you're able to swallow all this makes you a strong person. I'm not fond of posts that are too long, so I'll summarize.

You'd have to go through what I have to truly understand. I'm not sure how else to help you understand.

You hit the head right on the nail on that one. It's easy for me to tell you to just keep going, but I'm not going to say that. I could also go all biblical on you, but I don't want my post to become a controversy (that, and none of you would probably hear any of it anyway). But I sure can admire how much you have endured. I've never understood things clearly until they happened to me, and since not too many have happened I'm probably as clueless as a business man in a comic book convention.

But you took what you could, and when you couldn't carry the burden anymore, you asked for help. It's okay to ask for help when you truly need it, and anyone who disagrees needs to swallow their pride. Perhaps not many of us lives where you live, but you do have some friends here that have read your post and responded in their own way. Why? because they care. I personally want to be your friend, but that's up to you. Like Tsukianei has said, I wish you much love, and much luck.

 

[Saga]

I knew a lot of this already. But I just have to say that I'm proud of you for finding the nerve to post this, Mandi. You're not selfish, not in the slightest. We've been through a lot, you and I. I know as well as anyone does that you would rather keep it bottled up than "inflict it on others." But I tell you now, you're never inflicting it on me. You're my girl, one of my best friends and if I find that you've kept things in for this long again... I'mma be having some serious words with you.

I can completely understand a lot of what has gotten to you these last months. Especially the miscarriage. It's not something people can really understand unless they've been through it themselves. I could sit here and go over everything like the others have... but I'd just be reiterating what they had to say.

Don't be scared of ever coming to me with your problems, Mandi. I'm always here to listen. You're one of the most important people I know. If something is bothering you, I want you to lighten the burden on yourself and tell me. Just like you tell me to do. I'd be a pretty shit friend if I didn't. And I meant what I said on msn. If I lived closer, I'd do everything I damn well could to help you.

I love you Mandi, and I'm proud to call you my friend. =3 Don't let these things get you down. It's hard not to, of course it is, but remember you always have me and you have others too (Jessica and Mark being just two examples) who you can always turn to. We worry about you, alot. You're special to us so don't worry about burdening us and just come to us. =3

<3

 

[Bones]

Hey I'm not very good at this kind of thing but I really respect you on here and reading this just makes me respect you more.

You are a really nice person, and bad things do happen to good people. But the way you deal with it makes you come out stronger than you already are.

I'm not going to compare my problems, but I can kinda relate to a couple of things that you're going through. It really isn't good at all I know

But no matter what happens you have good friends on here for you to talk to, and like everyone else says, you're not selfish

Kudos to you!

 

[Amizon]

For all those who'd like to push this all back in her face, think for one single moment. Would you like it if it happened to you, too? All this anguish and despair? I certainly wouldn't.

Like Vikki, I commend Mandi for putting up with all this shit over a short space of time. I've known about some of the things that have happened.

Regarding this friend, to suddenly "end our friendship" is very harsh. No explanation? No reason why? If so, then they're a coward. They're the ones who've lost such a good friend. If it were me, I'd have a right good mind to have a go at them for suddenly ignoring me. That's just plain cowardish behaviour to turn around like that one day. Did they even question themselves over WHY they're ending the friendship? You've done absolutely nothing wrong there, Mandi. People that do that piss me off to no end. >_>

It's understandable about mourning over pet losses. People say you're stupid for doing it, but owners can get too attached. Losing a pet is exactly like losing your best friend if you get that close. I've remembered losing my puppy when I was very young. He got out into the road and got ran over very young. I cried for months. When my parents divorced, my mum sent my dog and two cats away. They didn't die, but I still had a good bloody cry over them.

And if there's anyone I would give ANY goodness to, then it'd definitely be you, Mandi. I was very deeply saddened to hear about the miscarriage. I somewhat understand what it's like because my own mother lost a child months before she conceived again with my brother who is, thankfully, alive and healthy. It's very heartbreaking and I've told you already that I'm here to talk if you need ANYONE.

You really are the most courageous person I know, Mandi. Anyone else would've probably given up by now. But I encourage you to keep on going as you are, don't let anyone bring you down and carry on smiling. It was huge for you to let it all out, but I'm definitely sure you feel much better now, right?

My respect for you is very high indeed.

 

[Eight]

Mandi, don't ever feel you're being selfish about sharing your how you feel. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say. I, and I'm pretty sure everyone else want to support you anyway we can, we all love you and just want to see you happy. With all of these problems, it must be so hard to turn a smile, but friends will always try and make you feel better anyway they can, I sure as hell know I would.

If this friend isn't willing to tell you what their problem with you is, then they're not a friend worth having. It is very sad to lose such a close friend, I've been down that road, it's heart-breaking, but then you just got to sit and consider "This friend is putting me through this. Would a real friend do this?". It helps you recover from the loss, it helped me, that's for sure.

I saw my friend have a seizure once and it was terrifying enough for me, I can't imagine how it was for him, and how it must of been for you. I wish I could do more to help there, but it brings me back to the point, if ever you feel stressed, I'll be here to talk to you, along with many others.

Miscarriages must be so awful, I haven't seen it in person, but of it happening sounds terrible. I'm so sorry Mandi. I wish there was more I can do.

But, I'm always here for ya if you need someone to talk to, and no need to hesitate. You're a good friend and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You're a brilliant person.

 

[Kekiro]

Thanks. x_x I don't feel very brave for posting this tbh. I feel like I'm just whining like a little baby and people are going to read my post and go "omg what's her problem" or "fuck what is SHE whining about" and shit like that. That's another reason I don't like venting my problems and this was not by any means easy to post...

I have no idea who you are, the only thing i've ever seen or heard about you is in this thread and I am absolutely certain that you are an amazing person.
If there was anything I could give you other than a few lines of text posted on a forum, I would. in a heartbeat.

 

[Whoareyou]

I don't really know you all that well Mandi so I won't post a lot.

What I really want to say is that doing this sort of thing, sharing your problems with people is, in my opinion, the best thing you can do. It allows you to discuss them with other people who may or may not be able to bring a new perspective on the problem, and this may help you feel better in the long. It's not a whiny or moany thing in any way at all, and as others have said, anyone who thinks this should really shut up and gtfo.

I guess all I can really say now is that I hope things begin to turn up for you...

 

[Gaige]

Mandi, I'm so sorry. I'm going to give you some advice. If I sound at all patronizing, I'm sorry, but this is my honest belief.

Your friends. You need to stay away from them. This may sound silly and impossible but I've had to do it, and I've been much better for it. These are not real friends and will never be real friends, especially if they are willing to cast you aside like this.

As for the miscarriage I'm so sorry, but in my family, thinking positive is usually the way to fix these problems. No matter how much it hinders you, if you conceive a baby, lock yourself away, and don't become overwhelmed. Find a place (metaphorically or physically) where you can leave behind stress. This is essential.

Stay positive, Mandi. I don't think I have to say that you have all our support. Good luck.

 

[The Illusive Man]

Having spoke with you on many occassions over MSN about my own problems and you being there for me to lend an ear, I will be glad to give whatever advice or assistance I possibly can even if its just another person to be there for you.

I do remember you making mention of these problems a few times over MSN and I stand by what I said then, If you ever need anything at all, I will always be here for you because I do see you as a good friend and I hold you in very high reguard, even if I can be an ass at times and not entirely deserving of your friendship, I do value you it highly.

I can definatley relate to you with the epilepsy as my mother has had it since I was 8 years old, it can be very frighting to those that dont understand exactly what it is and even more frighting for the person that suffers from it. I do understand it can be very difficult to cope with at the best of times, but that doesnt make you any less of a person than anyone else, It takes a strong will to cope with epilepsy and I believe you seem to do so marvelously which is a testament to your strong character, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for you for being able to live how you do with it.

As for hacking, I know exactly how that feels too, I've been on the recieving end of it myself to a lesser extent as many of you know by now, I do feel for you and cant begin to imagine how it must have felt and how you managed to cope, but once again your strength in character has shone through and many a person would actually be envious of how well you cope including myself.

The miscarriage, I wish I could just give you a great big hug right now to let you know that I care, I couldnt begin to fathom the pain you are going through right now and as I said on MSN, my thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

The pet, totally understand on this as well, it can be very hard to lose a pet and be upset about it, afterall they become a part of your family and its like losing a family member. It may be hard for some people to grasp that concept but they have to have been through it to understand and I hope your all ok.

As for being selfish, nothing could be further from the truth, your a very caring individual and you do often put others before yourself, perhaps a little too much at times but thats one of the traits I like most about you. You have an absolute heart of gold to do the things you do and anyone that believes otherwise is a fool.

The friends, If they cannot trust you and be there for you when you need them, I would not consider them friends at all, true friends dont abandon friends at the drop of a hat and as painful as it may be, it does sound like it may well be for the best, People that bitch and backstab eventually get whats coming to them, afterall turnabout is fair play.

So basically to sum everything up, Your a very special lady and you do one hell of a job of coping, my thoughts are with you and your family and I hope you can reach the light at the end of the tunnel, If you ever need anything at all you know exactly where to find me. I like many others am here for you, and I will always be here for you if you ever anything at all, even if its just to get something off your chest.

*Hugs*

 

[SapphireStar]

Mandi, you have many friends here and many whom repsect you. Im so sorry this has happened to you sweetheart, its amazing how well you have coped. You are a strong person Mandi with a loving husband and a beautiful son. I wish I could make the pain just go away, Im sure we all do. You are not a selfish person, dont you dare think otherwise. You have a strong, powerful persona and I know that there is light at the end of this. Not to sound corny or anything, but dont lose hope. Those bastards whom stole your money will get hat they deserve, dont worry. As for your children, they are smiling and watching down on you now. They would have been proud and happy to have had such a loving mother and father and an adorable brother like Logan, but God needed them more hunni. And Im sure KiKi is keeping them entertained and smiling

My cousin had a miscarriage about 2 years ago now and wow, it was hard. She just caved in on herself, she wasnt my cousin anymore. But she managed to have a baby again and hes great. Love him dearly and you will have another chance hun, I know it! You are not a useless person, Im sure Dave is beyond happ with Logan of course. And if he loves you, duh he does, then he will wait. He needs you both too right now. You are not useless to each other. You both need each other. And Logan needs his 2 strong parents by his side.

I know words dont mean much, but you are in all of our hearts Mandi and I pray that the goodness comes soon. We love you and your family sweetie, dont give up xxxxxx

 

[John Marston]

I'm really sorry you had to go through all that Mandi, i really really hope things turn for the better for you. I know we don't know each other much and i understand if what i'm saying is hard to believe but i really do mean it. I can relate to being friends with someone for a long time and they just stop talking for no reason. It's happened to me alot, i know how painful it can be. But you gotta keep going, stay strong not just for yourself but for your family.


Don't ever forget there are people that care and would do anything for you without a second thought! ^^

I'm one of them! I'll help anyway i can too!

 

[Sabriel]

Mandi

Like I said earlier in the SB, you've got some guts and nerves of steel posting this Me, I would be too embarrased and scared to see the outcome.

About epilepsy and stress: I don't know much about it either, but all I can say on that subject is if you're stressed, take time out and have fun. Feel refreshed before dealing with matters; it helps a lot.

About your friend: I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but if she broke the friendship without telling you the reason, that was selfish of her and friends aren't suppose to be like that. I'm sorry if I offended you >_>

About the baby and Kiki: I'm so ever sorry about your loss, both the baby and Kiki. I know for a fact that you won't ever let Kiki go because my golffish died 2 days before my Birthday. All I can say is keep looking up (not literally) and be optimistic. Maybe another chance of having a baby will come, so keep trying.

About thefts: Those people are stupid. They did not work for the money so they did not deserve it.

Again, I'm really sorry if I sounded offensive or mean or patronising etc., but I really hope that you get through this without damage and if there is anything I can do to help, bother away

 

[Marshy]

You aren't anything close to being selfish Mandi.

After all that, I ended up losing a very dear friend (who shall remain nameless), somebody I'd been very close to for a long time. I regarded her as a sister figure and loved her dearly. I also cared deeply for her family and their well-being. She just up and stopped talking to me. To this day, I still have no idea why. I pleaded with her to please tell me why and she repeatedly told me she wouldn't elaborate. So, I stopped bothering her. Last month, she told me she wanted to end the friendship. To this day, I still don't understand or even know why. It hurt a lot and still really hurts, but I suppose that's not important to her since she won't speak to me. I even poured my heart out to her and she still disregarded me. So, that's one thing that's constantly weighing on me, but I try to just ignore and brush it off. It's done and over with, why dwell? But I won't lie, it does still hurt.

I can definitely see where you are coming from here Mandi... I've recently lost a friendship as well with someone i was close with and there family. She stopped it for a terrible reason and it really hurts..
I guess all i can say to that is.. I know it hurts but its life. It really hurts. If they are a true friend to you, they will see what they are missing and want to come back to you. If they dont... well then that person is an idiot and doesn't know what there missing from such a great person.

Another one is that my husband and I had our bank account hacked into and they stole over $1000 of our money, leaving us really in the hole because bills were coming out of the account and then we were charged overdraft fees. It put us about -$500 in the hole. It really took a toll on us. We couldn't pay bills, we barely had food to eat, we could barely even do Christmas for our son, Logan and we weren't able to do Christmas for each other at all which I know really brought my husband down. We had no money to put gas in our car for him to get back and forth to work, so he had to carpool with his best friend and rely on my stepdad to drive him there on the days that his best friend didn't work. When it was all said and done, we ended up being almost -$600 in the hole. He got paid, most of his check covered all those overdraft and late charges leaving us with maybe a little over $200 if we got lucky. He gets paid every other week, so we were going for 2 weeks at a time trying to figure out how to pay bills and survive on what little money we had. So you have that. Victims of fraud and identity theft is never a fun trip.

I'm really sorry to hear about this Mandi.. i never understood why hackers go for less fortunate people and never went for people that are wealthy.. Just hang in there dearrr. Times get tough but you got your family with you and i'm sure you will work through it.

The next one is probably the biggest blow of this year. A couple of weeks ago Dave and I found out that I was pregnant. We were gonna have another new little edition to the family. With as exciting of news it was, I had been warned by three different gynos that it's highly probable with all the problems I have medically in regards to my inner female organs I wouldn't be able to carry another child, but that it was not necessarily impossible to either considering I was able to carry Logan to full term. It was truly exciting to know I was pregnant and gonna have another baby, but that constant thought sat with me in the back of my mind. A little over a week after I found out, we lost the baby.

I want another baby so very very badly and this is the 2nd miscarriage I've had. With all the trauma from Logan's birth, it's likely I won't be able to carry another baby to term, and it just is absolutely killing me. I usually hide my feelings and don't let it be known, but it really hurts. It feels like somebody just keeps repeatedly stuffing their hand through my chest and ripping my heart out. I'm not sure how else to really explain the type of pain this puts me through. It makes me feel like less of a woman because I can't carry a baby. It makes me feel like I won't be able to give my husband the daughter he wants and that I'm useless when it comes to being able to carry his child. I don't know...it's so hard to explain what it feels like because there's really no explanation as to what this truly feels like. You'd have to go through what I have to truly understand. I'm not sure how else to help you understand.

I can imagine that would be quite exciting news! I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your baby.. I'm sure it would have been quite nice to have 2 little rascals runnin' around :3. You can always adopt a little child. I mean it wouldnt be the same but it would be another way of getting one. Perhaps fostering a child as well could help with the bills too? idk just suggestions.. And don't feel like less of a women, some people are just different that way. If i was a man and i couldn't produce a baby with my girl i would be upset but i wouldn't think any less of myself.

And the last one, well it probably sounds rather silly, but my pet parakeet, Kiki, of 3 years died today. Just adding that on top of the loss of my baby is just really really affecting me. I was quite attached to her and I'm just really...I dunno...heartbroken I guess? I don't know. I feel like I've lost what it feels like to be truly happy and I'm not sure how to get that feeling back. So...there you go. That's what all is wrong. That is what all is constantly weighing down on me like a ton of bricks. You probably sit there, shaking your heads and wondering how this much can happen to one person, but I assure it has and I assure you that this has not been easy writing up, nor is it really easy to pour all of it out, but since I was accused of being selfish because I'm not talking to people about my problems (which I still don't understand why me keeping things to myself and not wanting to burden my friends is selfish...but whatever) I figured I'd go ahead and post this. Please understand this isn't something I do. I don't usually ever post things publically like this, I'm not out for attention or anything as such. I guess I just really can't keep this all in anymore and needed somewhere to vent. What better place to do it than where most of my friends are. Sorry for the extremely massive post here. I'm sorry if it's a but I need to get it out I guess.

Thats not silly at all Mandi! Its always terrible to lose a pet.. its like part of your family. It hurts too lose something close to you and that you have been taking care of for a few years.

And i'm glad you posted this Mandi. It really does help to get things off your chest and to just write it all out. Even if you didnt post it. You have friends and we are hear for ya

 

[Serah]

Mandi, I ain't saying it out of hate for you or anything. But that fact is it's tough love. Just because you may not like what I have to say, doesn't mean I don't care. But feeling like things are only your burden, and allowing yourself to suffer longer and alone isn't going to help. And I never expect you to bounce off your ass in just a minute, but you'll never get off your ass if you don't talk about it.

And you really think tough love is what I need right now? There are some cases in which people DO need tough love and this is not one of them. I realize that you do care, but throwing these things on me doesn't help one bit. It really does not. Also what do you think I'm doing? I AM talking about it.

And I know your trying, but you can't do it alone Mandi. So why not let people in, and help you. You know, you were the first member on this forum I talked to. You were more than willing to talk and help me with my problems. Why won't you allow me or anyone else the same respect. You can say I'm attacking you or whatever, but I say it because you need to hear it.

I AM letting people in. If I weren't, I wouldn't have made this thread in the first place. And how can you say I'm not allowing you the same respect? I made the bloody thread didn't I? So there you go. I HAVE let you in. If I hadn't, this thread wouldn't even exist.

To everybody, because there are just way too many of you to quote at the moment, thank you. So so very much. Jess, Ringo, Leon_L, Vikki especially, Lou, Ami, Sonny, Kekiro, Lee, Diarmuid, Shaun, SapphireStar, Nick, Ali, and Kyle...every single one of you who's posted and who've came to me on MSN to talk to me or anything as such, it means the world to me. To those of you who don't know me very well, you may not but still...thank you for taking the time to come in here and let me know that you're here for me as well. I really do appreciate it from each and every one of you. I will say that talking about it and such has began to help me feel a little bit better, and so I'm grateful to you all for coming in here and letting me know how much you all love and care about me. That in itself means so much to me that words can't express it. Some of your responses even made me cry as silly as that sounds. ^^; So thank you to everybody here who's taken the time to listen to me and to respond. I know things will get better, it's just going to take time. I'll also remember not to keep everything bottled up.