[Halloween '15] Haunted House - Game Thread

[Linnaete]

"Holy Thatcher!" exclaims Gammeron, impulsively recoiling at the literal sight of the very absurd thing he has just been imagining moments earlier. While jumping back from being alarmed at the sight before him, the dinner plate flies out of his left hand out the open window, spinning beautifully like a porcelain frisbee. The moon quickly casts its luminous gaze at the spinning object as it vanishes into the horizon like an elegant departing UFO. There goes the only weapon in his possession, unless...

This oaken thing is not only sentient, but it is gazing at him with a look of unbound shock and terror. The look sort of reminds him of an unscrupulous Member of Parliament who has just realised that his secret cocaine and sex scandal has been made public by the tabloid press. Lodged into the bark is an axe, its origin from an unknown source and its properties mysterious. With a booming howl that will haunt Gammeron's soul for a good fortnight at least, the felled tree implores that he run and stay back.

Not wishing to find out what he has now potentially unleashed from the hellish wastelands of Sunderland outside, Hammy instinctively seizes the axe with his sausage fingers. An agonising five seconds pass before he can muster the strength to liberate the instrument from its quarry. With steel in hand, he can now safely run the hell away from the crumpled and mortally wounded tree, as the window now lodges against its bark, with drips of sap now raining on the resplendent red rug.

Succour! Refuge! A safe spot! Where in this house can he be safe from whatever dark forces he has unleashed into this very respectable and middle-class Englishman's manor?! The heavy, unwieldy hatchet can only impede his ability to sprint, meaning that by the time his chunky legs have carried him to a door on the south side of the landing hall, the man is now close to collapse with sheer exhaustion. He can feel his lungs falter faster than Ed Miliband can eat a bacon sandwich. With his free hand, from reaches out for the nearest doorknob to him and nearly collapses against the door as it easily swings open, as if being assisted by an equal pulling force from the other side.

The lights instantly turn on. The heck?

That pink! It's so paralysing with how...pink it is. The walls! Not even his own daughter would ever consent to having a bedroom this gaudy and pink! It's like someone has just pumped hydrochloric acid into his mask and it's now slowly seeping into his irises. It burns!

Taking the time to adjust to this vivid assault on his eyes, our lardy lead character treads further into the room with trepidation. He espies a mirror and all manners of stuff that women do in front of mirrors...whatever it is women do in front of mirrors to make themselves look presentable to men. There's an upturned bin in the corner and...and...ohhh dear. Was someone just disrobing in here, or was someone attacked? Our porky protagonist can only stare puzzled as he gazes at the undergarments strewn on the floor at the foot of the bed.

Could it be-? Is this Sexy's bedroom? Does she live here? Is she in trouble? SEEEEEEXY! THOSE VILLAINS ARE LIKELY VIOLATING HER! HE MUST SAVE HER!

As he proceeds to haul his heavy bones (and the hatchet) back towards the door, he takes an unintended look into the mirror...

 

[Shaissa]

With a sword in hand now, Bugs runs out after hearing a loud crash outside the master bedroom and sees a tree. "Well... Funny thing... I guess if no one is around a Tree does make a sound!" Bugs looks around then investigates the tree, and notices there is a mark like something was pulled out of the tree. "Hmmm.. what could of been in here. Bugs looks around and sees no one. "Ehhh Who knows what awaits in this crazy house!"

 

[Galadín]

Face down on the ground with a big lipped alligator looming over him, it was clear that things had taken a turn for the worse. "No good deed goes unpunished", Batman mused fuzzily, picking himself back up. Having met some pretty vicious human-sized crocodilians in the past, Batman was bemused at being socked one by a giant alligator.

This creature had just eaten an innocent being and deserved to be brought to justice. However, Batman was in short supply of gadgets and although justice needed to be served, he wasn't the type to be stupid about it. Taking the only thing he had to hand out from under his cape, Batman faced his adversary with grim determination. This monster may look and act big, but even elephants harborued fears of little mice. Opening his hands he shoved the tiny, cute turtle right into the face of the big mouthed alligator...

 

[The Witch]

Pepe tried to ignore the blonde as she bickered at him. How did I get stuck with her, he thought. She was just sitting there, yabbering on. Pepe really did hate the girl. But, she couldn't fend for herself and he almost felt sort of bad for her. "Don't worry about it, Barbie." Pepe began. "We don't need the Popo. I once watched every season of CSI in one summer. I got this." After a few moments of shifting through the waste Pepe found a...

"SPOON?! What in crikey-half-fuck can I do with a spoon?" Pepe was standing in the same way that Link, from the Legend of Zelda, does every time he finds something of importance. "And don't say kinky bedroom stuff." he directed at Sexy.

"Everyone knows the people that have sex in horror films are the first to di--"

Just then Pepe interrupted himself to let out a loud screech as he felt the sting of the tentacle slap his bum. He was literally triggered to think back to his prison days. "No means no!!" he screamed instinctively. He didn't take two years slowly digging out of Prison just to be someone's bitch all over again. If his behind-concrete-walls days taught him anything it was that it's better to run than struggle. So, he didn't bother looking behind him as he ran a few feet away before turning to face his attacker.

"Sonofabitch!" It wasn't his shower-time lover! It was a Malboro!

"Stay back, Sexy!" Pepe quickly shoved the Hamburger in his mouth. He prayed to Tom Cruise that his health would be restored. Pepe sure did regret not bringing his Colt 1911 from his Navy SEAL days.

 

[Jake]

Iron Man, debating whether or not he has turned into a dwarf within the last turn or if the dog house really is as big as a room, notices the decapitated dog in the middle of the floor. While somewhat turned off the by smell of rotting flesh and BO, he scurries over and pokes it with his mop on the way to the chest at the far back left of the room...

 

[Paddy McGee]

"WHAT DAR FLAMIN FECK IS DAT DER?!!"

Gerry exclaimed, pulling up from his shining pile of vomit that was slowly congealing into coins of SOLID GOLD. With intense fear, Gerry hopped into the corner- the daylights clearly frightening.

With a split second decision, Gerry decided to throw a... bottle of bleach from below the kitchen sink at the monster, HOPING TO JAYSUS HIMSELF that it would work.

"AYE AYE, DAT DER'S FROM THE UVF, AYE. NEE HI-AYE."

 

[Harlequin]

"Oh my God!" Sexy cried as the strange man in green puked GOLD onto the kitchen floor, "is that real gold?! That's hot... Are you a Scientist of something?"

Just then, Pepe let out a horrible screech as Mortimer the Malboro slapped him with his tentacle. Sexy was momentarily frightened before coming to the conclusion that being in the company of a humanoid Frog, a plant stuck in a fridge and an Irishman with a disproportionately large head could only mean one thing.

"Ok if this is a dream it better not mess with my beauty sleep!" she exclaimed, "I'm going on a date with Douchebag Jock tomorrow!"

Determined to remain asleep she thought it best to remove herself from the weird goings-on in the Kitchen, making her way into the Dining Room and across to the Hallway door, attempting to unlock it...

 

[Dionysos]

Turn 5.
(Remember to click the map images a couple of times to view them properly, etc)

Ground Floor:


First Floor:


Basement:


Wall Space:


Dog's House:


Particulars:
Agi inspects the bookcase in an attempt to spin back round. An action die is rolled, resulting in a high roll of 6. The bookcase spins Agi back into the library.

Louis Walsh sings a Pocahontas song while flying about the room like a lost paper plane, before finding his target at the basement door. An action die is rolled, resulting in the low roll of 2. Crash! The door does not open. The door becomes sentient long enough to criticise Louis' song choice. Louis Walsh, now with a big bump on his head, falls back down the stairs and lands on his back in the basement...

Hameron takes the axe from the dying tree and walks into the girly bedroom. Hameron's departing glance at the mirror reveals a little devil on his shoulder, visible only in his reflection. (Yes it was meant to be his left shoulder, but I only realised that I got mirror-confused after I uploaded this image).

Bugs walks over to the dying tree. While he observes her, her sap flows into the now empty bucket which Bugs has been carrying. Item transformed: Bucket of Sap.

Batman shoves Timmy the Turtle into the face of the big lipped alligator. Unfortunately the alligator takes the opportunity to gobble up our poor turtle hero.

But...

(Battle!
A roll of a die brought up the number 5, which means a hit on the big lipped alligator.
A second roll of 5 deals the damage value of 5 to the big lipped alligator.
The big lipped alligator is now dead.)

The big lipped alligator found Timmy the Turtle's shell to be too large to swallow without any attempt to chew. The annoying fiend choked on his meal and Batman was victorious. Item lost: Timmy the Turtle.

Pepe the Frog steps away from Mortimer the Malboro and eats his wasted burger. 1 HP is restored. What's this? This burger was no ordinary burger, but a fat-filled, greasy, death-bun with questionable meat. Perhaps Shoopuf meat. Pepe finds himself instantly obese, ripping some of his clothes as he gains many pounds.

Iron Man walks through the Dog's House, making his way to the treasure chest. As he prods what appears to be a dog's stinking corpse it become clear on close inspection that the body is not what it seems (or smells) to be. It is a convincing and effective suit, with zippers, which some one (a person, perhaps) had been wearing at some point. The suit of 'Dog' had been sprayed with a special perfume to smell like wet, smelly, dog.

Gerry Adams walks up to the kitchen sink and throws bleach at Mortimer the Malboro.

(Battle!
A roll of a die brought up the number 4, which means a hit on Mortimer.
A second roll of 3 deals the damage value of 3 to Mortimer.
Mortimer now has 7 HP.)

Sexy walks up to the dining room door joining the hallway and attempts to break it open. An action die is rolled, resulting in the score of 4. Sexy manages to open the door! Good girl, Sexy!

-

Now let us see what Turn 6 brings!

 

[greenyxi]

Louis now has a banging headache, as if he's had one too many alcohol-free snowballs again. No one seems to understand the difficulties of being the judge who picks the contestants who can't sing. It's hard being tone deaf. Anyway, back to the point of the matter. Louis' headache causes him to wander away from the door, humming A Whole New World to himself (at the top of his voice may be more like it, but he's slightly dizzy and disoriented right now).

He suddenly stumbles upon Brahnsuki and falls onto her dainty lap. He falls asleep for two minutes, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing is that he woke up and saw her face smiling down at him. Her gorgeous lipstick, her sparkling eyes, her fluttering eyelashes...he's in heaven! That's right, I'm pretty sure she has woken up and they are ready to be star-crossed lovers!

"Sorry love", Louis says after they gaze into each others' eyes for a while. "It isn't meant to be, for you see, I am old enough to be your grandfather". With this, they split apart and went their separate ways. Well, Louis waddled off like a penguin, but you understand that this was for creative, melodramatic purposes.

All of that is neither here nor there either though. It's never going to be remembered in the great haunted mansion fables. Instead, we have the truly important action that will shock and amaze the world!

Louis waddles over to a pool of water and, due to his sing-along flight and lifetime of too many alcohol-free snowballs, he falls into the puddle and goes face first into what looks like a golden sun on a warm summers day! This could be ever so lovely, but who can tell? This mansion is, after all, slightly bonkers.

 

[Soulcorruptor]

Agi now back in the library is bewildered the bookshelf itself was a strange contraption to shift between the two rooms. Having a sinking feeling that the bathroom could or would soon be over flowing she decided to inspect the bookshelf yet again. Maybe there was a door in the kitchen she could open so the flood would go down there. So being dumb she inspects the bookshelf again, and hopes maybe to get the bookshelf to stay halfway open between the two rooms.

 

[Shaissa]

Bugs now with a Bucket of sap and a sword heads into the far left room. Here he sees a bunch of dog stuff. "Hmmmm What do we have here...." Bugs wonders, and then he crawls into the dog house to see what is inside.

 

[Linnaete]

"You fiend! How dare you lay a finger on Sexy?!"

Exerting what strength he can muster, Hameron brandishes his axe and with a mightily strained swing, he strikes with steel, sundering the mirror into shards. There is no longer a devil creature in the mirror and he can no longer see one, so the coast appears to be clear.

Or is it?

His cognitive functions kick in once more and it's only now that our pork-faced plonker realises that he had been looking into a mirror and seeing a reflection of a devil creature on his shoulder. Egads! He drops the axe and frantically inspects his shoulder and the nearby vicinity. Mercifully, there does not appear to be anything out of the ordinary as far as he can visually deduce...unless his mask's blind spots are hiding the damn thing from view.

Inadvertently taking a leaf out of Pepe the Frog's book, our meaty moron pirouettes around a full 360 degrees. He is not about to let his lack of peripheral vision trick him any longer!

Once satisfied that the coast is clear (perhaps his heroism in slaying the mirror has frightened the little supernatural bugger away. Good!), Hameron decides that he is now absolutely exhausted. Running away from that sentient tree with a heavy axe and then using the last of his strength to smash the mirror with it...then that pirouette - it's too much physical activity for one day. Maybe if he slumps onto this delightfully gaudy pink bed, he can have a good forty winks. Presuming this IS Sexy's bedroom, how amazing would it be for him to take a nap on her bed? He's certain she won't mind. Sure, she may wince at the state of her mirror and the sight of an axe on the floor, but he's a master with words. He will serenade her later with the tale of his bravery and how he slayed a demon in a mirror.

He falls forward, anticipating the soft surface of the bed to catch his fall and whisk him away to sleep nirvana...

 

[Galadín]

The last rasping gasps from the dying alligator echo through the wall space, ending with a gurgling sigh.

"Looks like the turtle did the trick", Batman muses aloud, fighting the niggling feeling of guilt at having fed the tiny creature to the monster. As he broods, he checks his detective scanner to see if he can get it working again. After a few non-starts, jiggling of wires and irritated grunts from the Caped Crusader, the scanner beeps and boots back up.

"I need to collect more data on this cavity before moving on, someone must have sealed it for a reason and I need to find out why", Batman slowly investigates the small area, but it quickly becomes apparent that only the scurrying rat and door on the opposite wall are the only items of interest. So be it. On a whim, he captures the rat and exits the area through the door, leaving the stench of blood and dead alligator behind him.

 

[Paddy McGee]

"SWEEET BABAY JAYSUS NI-AYE, LETUS TROUGH DAT DAOR DER LASSIE"

Cried Gerry, entering the dinning room. While Gerry was always up for a fight, he didn't want to fight a monster that was scarier than Ireland's outstanding debt. Gerry ran towards Sexy, waiting behind her to politely follow her out of the room. Even on fear of death- it was nice to be nice.

 

[Harlequin]

After gazing at the unlocked door for what felt like days but was in fact only a moment Sexy decided to walk through it and into the hallway. Upon entering the hallway she noticed water seeping out from underneath the bathroom door. "Did someone forget they were running a bath?" she asked loudly, stepping across the damp carpet and over towards the bathroom door.

As she opened the bathroom door water gushed out, drenching her uniform tube socks and sneakers prompting Sexy to let out a blood-curdling scream. Enraged, she stomped over to the running tap and turned it off whilst thinking of ways to get back at whoever was responsible for this criminal negligence, perhaps by ostracizing them from the popular kids' social circle for the rest of the year.

As she turned the tap off the thought of taking a shower crossed her mind. Given the day's events she had perspired more than usual and was sure the unpleasant smell of trash, golden vomit and a decomposing head had rubbed off on her.

Convinced a nice warm shower would relax her (and there was no way she was going through the stress of cleaning up the flooded mess!) she pulled back the shower curtain to make sure the bathtub wasn't icky of course...

 

[Dionysos]

This was quite the ouch round...


Turn 6
(As always please do click the map images a few times for a clearer view of it so you know what you are looking at).

Ground Floor:


First Floor:


Basement:


Dog's House:


Particulars:

Louis Walsh falls face first into the basement puddle. The glowing light is revealed to be nothing other than the lantern of Terence the Tonberry!

Terence leaps out of the water to reveal himself (though keeping his clothes on Mitsuki)

(Battle!
A roll of a die brought up the number 6, which means a hit on Louis Walsh.
A second roll of 4 deals the damage value of 4 to Louis Walsh.
Louis Walsh now has 6 HP.)

Terence doinks Louis Walsh in the arm. Ouch!

Agi attempts to spin the bookcase into a fixed, open position. An action die is rolled, resulting in a roll of 4. The bookcase is successfully turned. Passage between these two rooms shall now be guaranteed.

Bugs enters the Dog's House.

Hameron falls onto the bed, which welcomes him.

Batman takes the rat and leaves the Wall Space, emerging back on the Ground Floor between the Taxidermist's Studio and the staircase. Item obtained: Rat.
The Wall Space area is no longer visible as no player is in that area.

Iron Man opens the chest in the Dog's House and then leaves the room. Item obtained: Plastic Dog Poo.

Pepe the Frog throws Jeremy Clarkson's head at Mortimer the Malboro.

(Battle!
A roll of a die brought up the number 3, which means a miss on Mortimer.
Mortimer still has 7 HP.)

Mortimer burps bad breath to clear his throat as he opens his mouth to swallow Jeremy Clarkson. Clarkson shouts unsavoury remarks at both Pepe and Mortimer during the ordeal, silenced only by a second burp from Mortimer signalling mealtime has ended.

Gerry Adams moves over to where Sexy had been standing.

Sexy moves away into the bathroom, finally turning the tap off and putting an end to the flooding issue. Sexy also pulls the shower curtain back so that we can finally have our naked sexy cheerleader scene of the story. Uh-oh! If it isn't Barry the Behemoth taking a bath!

Sexy has disrupted Barry's peaceful soak, and he isn't very happy about that sort of thing.

(Battle!
A roll of a die brought up the number 5, which means a hit on Sexy.
A second roll of 6 deals the damage value of 6 to Sexy.
Sexy now has 4 HP.)

Barry splashes water at Sexy, soaking all of her clothes and bursting her bubble. Maybe his intention is to try and get her to strip and join him, or maybe he really is angry. It's difficult to read a behemoth.

-

You may now request your moves for turn 7.

 

[Soulcorruptor]

Noticing the midget that had rainbows coming from it's arse Agi s slightly hesitant to enter the dining room area, but still she is determined to open that basement door so that if the flooding continues it has a place to run off into. So now deciding to walk in and trying to avoid eye contact with the green whatever it was Agi decides to take the gourd off her back and walks to the door leading to the basement, thinking that it might be a good idea to try and smash the door down. Who knows if she can smash it down after all it is one of her precious alcohol holding containers and she would hate for it to be ruined, but at the same time the door might break down and hit whatever unfortunate monster may be stabbing a fellow person that entered this house.

 

[Galadín]

Emerging into the hallway, Batman was met with a cacophony of noises; splashes and screams, yelps and doinks. The house had turned into a lunatic asylum during his time in the wall space and this gave the brooding hero a big "No Feeling". There was water flooding most of the hallway and nasty odors wafting down the main stairwell.

Switching on his detective scanner, Batman did a quick sweep of the vicinity.

"The house is in chaos, I must do what I can to help the people in danger". The girl wearing the cheerleader outfit looked to be in most need of assistance so without a second thought he dashed through the large pool of water into the bathroom.

The beast in the bath tub was roaring his terrible roar, gnashing his terrible teeth, rolling his terrible eyes and showing his terrible claws. The cheerleader was soaked through and looking "so freakin' pissed", and all Batman had to save the day was a rat that was currently hunched under his cape quivering with fear. There was no way he was going to do to the rat what he had done to the poor little turtle. Quickly assessing the limited options available, Batman grabbed the sinister looking chair.

"Take cover", he warned the pissed off cheerleader. Using all the strength in his pharmaceutical grade plastic body, Batman fired the hefty piece of furniture at the monster's head.

 

[Linnaete]

The wife's eyes brim with tears. Just moments before, Hammy sensitively put a hand on her lap as the pair of them are sitting down on the sofa in the warm autumn's evening glow permeating into their grand, spacious living room. He has just confessed to Hamantha that he has found a younger woman and that he shall do the honourable thing and openly admit his desire to get together with her instead.

"WHO IS THIS WOMAN?!" Hamantha can only scream, as her once loyal husband now struggles to make eye contact with her...probably, because it's hard to tell when he's perpetually wearing that pig mask for some unfathomable reason.

A flash of light engulfs the room and next thing he knows, Hameron is frolicking through a poppy field under a clear azure sky with an energetic Sexy towing him forward by the hand. She playfully winks at him and challenges him to keep up with her quick and elegant long strides. He is struggling to keep up, for his porky legs can only do so much to carry the rest of him. His arm protrudes like a a long, chunky bratwurst as the cheerleader effectively pulls him through that fantastical floral field.

"Uh?"

Perhaps he tripped and has landed face down on the poppy field. Odd. Lying face down on grass and soil shouldn't be this comfortable and nor should it smell of freshly cleaned sheets. Perhaps he should get back on his feet and catch up with Sexy. She must be laughing her skirt off at the sight of him tripping up and planting himself face down on the poppies. That strange, warm ethereal feeling seems to have abandoned him though, which is disappointing.

Thud.

In an attempt to roll over and pull himself back up, he has somehow left the surface of the bed completely and made acquaintances with the floor instead, narrowly missing a couple of small glass shard pieces. Bollocks. He has been dreaming all along and briefly disconnected with the real world while he had been on that bed. Allowing the disappointment of Sexy pulling him through the sunlit poppy fields to have been merely a figment of his excited imagination, Hammy continues to lie serenely on the floor for a good minute before rolling his head to the side and opening his eyes.

What he is looking at while lying splayed on the floor is what is beneath the bed...

 

[greenyxi]

"Ouch", says Louis.

No, he decides, he must say more than this.

"You dirty bird! No, that's not a bird. It's a ". I bet this one doesn't have any lollies though...and the thought of a lolly-less tonberry frustrates him to no end! It positively makes him want to kill someone! He wants to hurt someone more than anyone has ever hurt anything in the whole wide worldiverse! Never mind the massive gash on his arm, as the pretty hefty doink let all the air out of his muscle-suit-arm thing. Why's there blood? I dunno. Louis is a weird creature. The rage has consumed him! That's right, it's gonna happen!

Louis rips off his skirt and doinks the tonberry in the eye with his own special knife!

"Didn't see that one comin' didja, ya rat b**tard!"