"girls can't do this" Yeah well, Guys can't...

I know normal guys cannot bleed for seven days and live. But once, after a particularly rough night on the town, I got in a pretty tough fight. You see, god and I had been out and about having a few beers. Unfortunately, god is a pretty rude individual when drunk. First of all, he began leering at women. He rubbed a few stern looking fellas up the wrong way with his womanising ways. We were in a little Irish bar in a quiet corner of town when his wandering hands invaded a little too far on to private property. A couple of gruff looking lads appeared out of nowhere and bang, god was on the floor.

I was up in a minute. I'm a tough mo-fo and I cannot bear to see a couple of uneducated, uncouth mother-frakkers playing fisticuffs with a deity. I stepped in and I defended his honour. Now, I'm tough. I mean, I'm tougher than Chuck Norris juiced up on kryptonite and ecstasy. Yeah, that tough. But my word, I was drunk as a skunk and I was pissing down my own leg the moment I got out of my seat (my bladder was being kept in place by the precise balance of my bar-stool and my pint glass). Frankly, I got battered. I was bleeding all over the place. God, in my honour, decided to build a whole new world. You know, the whole earth and the moon and all that crap.

I was still bleeding on the seventh day, the day of rest. God turned to me and said 'Oi, Chivo mate, turn the frakking blood works off, you've gone and made the Red frakking sea.'

We've never really seen eye to eye since. The ruffians who frakked god up turned up mysteriously crucified a few weeks later. What a bunch of twats.
 
^ tl;dr

Calico said:
We actually call it both. :hmmm: Jam is the word used by rich people, like Glenn Beck and Bill O'reiley or Obama. And Jelly is what us normal people call it. :griin:
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Jam is definitely not posh.

You put jam on your bread, usually strawberry or raspberry jam, slap it on your toast in a hotel

Jelly wobbles and it goes in the fridge for hours and you can have it with icecream

Terrible Terry Tate said:
:hmmm: We use the two interchangeably, pretty much.
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Another thing Americans say wrongly. :gonk:
 
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT

I BET YOU CAN'T BEAT OFF YOUR BIG DICK :elmo:

oh yeah, i win. because chicks dont have dicks :monster:
 
chicks... dont have dicks

...do they? :ahmed:
 
brb

hey, can someone help me tie this noose? I'm afraid that I'll break my ass instead of my neck if I don't do it right :monster:
 
Actually, there's quite a few tricks to opening a jar (especially the ones that are sticky, like jam; those are real buggers.)

1) Get a blunt butter knife, and give the edge of the lid a quick, sharp tap all around the edge. Easy opening.

2) Get a spoon or fork-- I find spoons work best for some reason -- and use the handle (not the part you use for a meal) to open it. Do this by inserting the handle end under the jar lid edge (tucked against the jar) and then push down on the spoon/fork. You know it's opened when you hear a hissing sound and the top pops. This just depressurizes the inside, and means you're not fighting a vacuum when you try to open it. ^_^ I wouldn't recommend using a knife, since you run the risk of breaking the blade.

3) Run warm water over the lid for a minute. It causes the metal lid to expand and makes it easier to open, but I find the other methods much faster.

Now having dispensed this sage advice, I'll happily toddle off.

P.S. Jelly on ice cream is delicious. :mokken:
 
my favorite thing about women? they kill spiders for me :p i hate spiderz
 
My favourite thing about spiders is that they kill women.
 
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