Case of the Ex

[Lirael]

I don't see the point in trying to be friends with someone after they hurt you (or you hurt them) emotionally, which is usually what happens...sour feelings with the other person after you break up. I don't think there's many relationships out there that end where both people are perfectly happy moving on from each other and rainbows, cupids, and butterflies shoot out everywhere and there's this perfectly happy ending with the two people going their separate ways.

There would have to be a reason to want to continue having them in your life after everything is said and done. One is you (or the other person) wants to continue being in each others lives for whatever reason...to always keep you on the back burner as a back up, or who knows. Another thing might be "ohhh yeah we are friends now, so I don't necessarily need to commit to you per say, but I still wouldn't mind getting with you every now and then (friends with benefits)." I've never been down for that and I never will be.

There are certain kinds of people who may think that way, but most of the people I know wouldn't do that. I have plenty of friends who do not talk to exes because relationships ended badly, but some catch up with exes to see how they are and/or because they are now good friends.

One of my best friends is an ex. We dated in 2008 for 3 months and I ended the relationship because he wasn't right for me. He's an incredible, kind, sensitive person and he asked if we could stay friends. We met a week or so after we had broken up, which was a little strange, but after that, everything was fine. He and I both feel that our relationship led to a really good friendship. He and I go to one another for advice in the same way two long-term friends would - we have been friends for 5 years, so that's only natural! There are absolutely no additional feelings there at all, emotional or physical.

I used to talk to all but one of my exes; I didn't talk to one because we had dated for a month and we had nothing in common. I recently cut ties to four of my exes for different reasons. However, it had nothing to do with the fact we used to date.

For example, I cut ties with my first boyfriend because he was a terrible friend. When we broke up in 2007, he was incredibly nasty to me. He told my friends that I was a liar and tried to manipulate me into telling my parents that I had broken up with him for someone else, which wasn't true. Nevertheless, I always wanted to make sure that he was okay and happy. Based on what I knew, he had an incredibly difficult life. I continued to talk to him to support him and to offer advice. However, he grew more negative over the years. About 3 months ago, was annoyed with me because I don't post about my life on Facebook anymore and because I hadn't spoken to him much. I have been incredibly busy completing a PGCE this year, which I explained to him. He then told me that I shouldn't be in a relationship because that was probably making things more difficult. I tried to justify myself at first, but later on told him kindly not to offend my relationship again. He proceeded to delete me and I decided that I should stop accepting his negativity. I can't actually do anything for him - he has to find a way to be happy - so I haven't spoken to him since.

I am at a point in my life where I want to focus on positive relationships. If friends go through anything rough, I will be there for them, but this 'friend' had been mildly abusive for years. I don't have time for something like that, ex or not.

 

[Master Cat]

I broke up with my first and only boyfriend back in September of 2011. We were together for about 3 years, but he became really busy with his new night shift job. He also spent less time with me (although he wouldn't mind hanging out with his friends any chance he got). There were also many instances in which he would choose his friends over me, which hurt me deeply, especially when his friends had offended me once and he refused to stand up for me. "I'm not going to choose between you or my friends." "I've known them longer before I even knew you." etc etc.

Anyhow. Honestly, it doesn't feel like it's been that long since we've broken up, and we've never truly stopped talking. There was a time that we hadn't talked in a week or two, but it seems like we always have a way of "getting back together," although it's not official at all. Perhaps it doesn't deserve to be.

Without going into too much detail, I will say this - it can be awfully stressful at times when there are still some underlying feelings mixed in. Especially when your emotions get played with and you're forever uncertain on how to proceed because your heart is sort of in it, but your mind is criticizing you and asking, "What the hell are you thinking? Hasn't this person hurt you before? Why would you want to stick around and leave yourself available for someone like that?"

Maybe I'm too comfortable with the crappy situation. Maybe I'm afraid to venture out into the unknown. I'm not a fan of "dating" and I'll probably end up being an old lonely cat lady one day. ...Okay, I say that jokingly. I'll admit, I still have certain expectations of him, even though we are no longer dating. Although everything feels almost the same as it was when we were together, there is a sense of emptiness because I know that our "relationship" isn't being acknowledged the way I'd like it to be.

I know this is going to sound mighty crappy of me, but I'm one of those people who don't mind sticking around and holding onto something that is long past its expiration - in this case, my ex. As much of an a-hole he can get at times, I feel like we still care about each other, but there are things that seem unchangeable. For instance, he can be pretty horrible at resolving conflicts and having important/serious conversations. He likes to do things at his convenience and he can be selfish in that way, which annoys me greatly.

Anyhow, enough with the bashing/ranting from me. I'm proof that you can still talk to your ex, and even hang out with them at least once week, but it's not really rainbows and sunshine. Even if we took a year away from talking to each other - all of those memories, emotions, and previous issues that we had during our relationship would just flood back in. I am most certain of it. It's difficult to turn a blind eye to those things and pretend to be a completely different person who can tackle those issues in a "Love Conquers All" sort of thing.

... I am hoping that once I move for graduate school next May/June, I will give myself the opportunity to meet new people and at least be open-minded about the idea of finding another "love." Because I have isolated myself from the idea for far too long, so now me and my ex are dependent upon each other for companionship.

 

[iSmiff]

He also spent less time with me (although he wouldn't mind hanging out with his friends any chance he got). There were also many instances in which he would choose his friends over me, which hurt me deeply, especially when his friends had offended me once and he refused to stand up for me. "I'm not going to choose between you or my friends." "I've known them longer before I even knew you." etc etc.

"What the hell are you thinking? Hasn't this person hurt you before? Why would you want to stick around and leave yourself available for someone like that?"

I totally understand what you are saying but I thought i'd reply from the mans side of things, and will probably stray off topic in the mean time so for that; apologies in advance. To the first quote; this is a big problem. For you it's 'hurtful' but surely you must understand the bond between a group of guys? You start ditching them for your girl once in a while theres a risk that it becomes more than that and then you become 'THAT GUY' who misses the big events like birthdays and stuff because he doesn't want to hurt his girls feelings or get her mad. This is when people start to become what's known as whipped. I don't think you should make him choose between you and his friends unless it's a big event obviously like a birthday or something that's important to you. Putting a strain on his relationship with the lads often puts a strain on your relationship as well. With all due respect; you could be the best girl in the world but you need time apart. I know guys who I just don't see any more because his girl has him under the thumb and it's such a shame. They are getting married after only 2 years together and we honestly though he might not even invite us to the wedding because his fiancee thinks we are bad influences on him. I was the complete opposite however, which I do regret. Theres a fine line. I didn't want to be excluded so i'd often put off spending time with my girlfriend to attend stuff with the lads that ultimately wasn't a big deal and that led to a strained relationship and ultimately us breaking up. I was very young at the time and consider myself to have matured since, though.

Secondly; OBVIOUSLY I don't know anything about you or the relationship but if you mean he hurt you by spending time with his friends (like I said, I don't know the details) i'd say that's a bit of an overreaction. But can I just re-stress, clearly I don't know the inners of the relationship but it just popped out to me when reading it. Please don't read this as a dig, it certainly is not.

 

[Master Cat]

I totally understand what you are saying but I thought i'd reply from the mans side of things, and will probably stray off topic in the mean time so for that; apologies in advance. To the first quote; this is a big problem. For you it's 'hurtful' but surely you must understand the bond between a group of guys? You start ditching them for your girl once in a while theres a risk that it becomes more than that and then you become 'THAT GUY' who misses the big events like birthdays and stuff because he doesn't want to hurt his girls feelings or get her mad. This is when people start to become what's known as whipped. I don't think you should make him choose between you and his friends unless it's a big event obviously like a birthday or something that's important to you. Putting a strain on his relationship with the lads often puts a strain on your relationship as well. With all due respect; you could be the best girl in the world but you need time apart. I know guys who I just don't see any more because his girl has him under the thumb and it's such a shame. They are getting married after only 2 years together and we honestly though he might not even invite us to the wedding because his fiancee thinks we are bad influences on him. I was the complete opposite however, which I do regret. Theres a fine line. I didn't want to be excluded so i'd often put off spending time with my girlfriend to attend stuff with the lads that ultimately wasn't a big deal and that led to a strained relationship and ultimately us breaking up. I was very young at the time and consider myself to have matured since, though.

Secondly; OBVIOUSLY I don't know anything about you or the relationship but if you mean he hurt you by spending time with his friends (like I said, I don't know the details) i'd say that's a bit of an overreaction. But can I just re-stress, clearly I don't know the inners of the relationship but it just popped out to me when reading it. Please don't read this as a dig, it certainly is not.

I definitely understand where you're coming from when you say that having time with "the guys" is very different than spending time with "the girlfriend," and I never tried to separate him and his friends. In the beginning, we used to spend weekends together, and obviously as time passes by and the "newlywed"-like phase is over, both parties can handle more time away.

My major issue with him choosing his friends over me was when one of his friends (who happens to be a girl) totally treated me like crap at a convention we went to a few years ago. She gave me the total silent treatment for something awfully silly (she asked me something while I was half-asleep and I didn't follow through, a.k.a. some b.s.), meanwhile we were staying at a hotel for the weekend. She made things awfully awkward for all of us. Honestly, I've never really liked her because she's a little sleazy, has cheated on her own bf with a guy in their circle of friends and whatnot, but I thought it was very unfair for him not to stand up for me when I had done nothing at all to deserve the way she treated me. She even made one of his other friends dislike me for the hell of it to stand up for her crazy self. >.>

If my boyfriend had at least intervened and told her to cut the crap out, I wouldn't have felt spited. He said she can be a "b*&^" sometimes, but I shouldn't have had to deal with that. She is HIS friend, not MINE. He even had the audacity to invite her at a social gathering at his house a day after the convention, and he refused to have me over. How's that for "resolving conflicts?" xD;

But I digress. Maybe I did overreact at the time, but I found that whole ordeal to be a slap in my face for sure. x__x

 

[iSmiff]

My major issue with him choosing his friends over me was when one of his friends (who happens to be a girl) totally treated me like crap at a convention we went to a few years ago.

Mm, girls can be bitches but i'm sure you know that all too well (maybe she 'likes' him or is defensive about the prospect of you entering the social group on a more permanent basis), wheres in my experience lads will put on more of a front and pretend there's no issue when in a group. That sucks though, if you've done nothing wrong there shouldn't be much problem in defending you so I do see your point, and agree 100%.

EDIT: That bitch comment totally sounded like a backhanded insult on reading it again haha. Not intentional!

 

[Shu]

I'm not a fan of "dating" and I'll probably end up being an old lonely cat lady one day. ...Okay, I say that jokingly.

I know this is going to sound mighty crappy of me, but I'm one of those people who don't mind sticking around and holding onto something that is long past its expiration - in this case, my ex. As much of an a-hole he can get at times, I feel like we still care about each other, but there are things that seem unchangeable. For instance, he can be pretty horrible at resolving conflicts and having important/serious conversations. He likes to do things at his convenience and he can be selfish in that way, which annoys me greatly.

Anyhow, enough with the bashing/ranting from me. I'm proof that you can still talk to your ex, and even hang out with them at least once week, but it's not really rainbows and sunshine. Even if we took a year away from talking to each other - all of those memories, emotions, and previous issues that we had during our relationship would just flood back in. I am most certain of it. It's difficult to turn a blind eye to those things and pretend to be a completely different person who can tackle those issues in a "Love Conquers All" sort of thing.

... I am hoping that once I move for graduate school next May/June, I will give myself the opportunity to meet new people and at least be open-minded about the idea of finding another "love." Because I have isolated myself from the idea for far too long, so now me and my ex are dependent upon each other for companionship.

Nice. That actually describes the situation very vividly in my mind. I can say this, you can learn a lot about being through that type of relationship. You know sometimes there is no tolerable barrier in which you two can be around each other.

2) you also believe in something after graduation. That's the key right there.

You will find something, but be willing to disseminate if it's what you truly want. I feel like a dick, because I went through a few ladies before actually finding someone who actually counters my mind and my attitude.

 

[Twilight Sky]

My major issue with him choosing his friends over me was when one of his friends (who happens to be a girl) totally treated me like crap at a convention we went to a few years ago. She gave me the total silent treatment for something awfully silly (she asked me something while I was half-asleep and I didn't follow through, a.k.a. some b.s.), meanwhile we were staying at a hotel for the weekend. She made things awfully awkward for all of us. Honestly, I've never really liked her because she's a little sleazy, has cheated on her own bf with a guy in their circle of friends and whatnot, but I thought it was very unfair for him not to stand up for me when I had done nothing at all to deserve the way she treated me. She even made one of his other friends dislike me for the hell of it to stand up for her crazy self. >.>

That's a major issue that always has the potential to spring up in any relationship. The lover always loses out to the friends. Especially that "one friend" that doesn't want you going out with their friend, will often go the silent treatment route, or planting all kinds of seeds of doubt in the person, to get them to leave you. They lay and wait for you to make one tiny mess up, and turn that tiny mess up into a big fuck up.

Don't mean to sound cynical here - it is just truth from observation and personal experience.


At this time, and I prefer it as such, I have no contact with any ex girlfriends. The previous one that I broke up with 2 years ago, I'm still having issues getting over. It's like my heart hasn't got a clue that she's long gone. Holding on to someone that no longer exists. Hopefully the steps I've taken the past few days will help guide my heart into a better direction.