Talking about people behind their backs

[Erythritol]

I think it's safe to say we've all done it and experienced it. And usually it involves friends. Why do you think this sort of thing happens? What drives people to do this to friends?

Personally I believe that it's a relatively childish thing to do, and those who do it have low self-esteem.

Thoughts?

 

[Misty]

I think it personally happens because people at that moment maybe extremely bitter about something, and like to vent their rage out. Its like an escape outlet, not necessarily meant to hurt people, but it's something you cannot really keep inside.

 

[Erythritol]

I think it personally happens because people at that moment maybe extremely bitter about something, and like to vent their rage out. Its like an escape outlet, not necessarily meant to hurt people, but it's something you cannot really keep inside.

Yeah, though it really begs the question of why people cannot just confront each other about their issues. Usually the gossip inevitably reaches the person, and of course, it does cause harm. No one likes to hear that their friends have been talking behind their back. I just don't understand why people can't do the mature thing and confront the friend about the problem they have.

 

[Ironman]

I don't talk about people behind their backs as i find it completely pointless as the person who was the target of the insulting normally finds out and gets angry about it so i just save time and effort by saying it to their face, If i don't like someone or they do something that annoys me then i will say it to their face and not behind their back. it stops people getting overly pissed off, i find that if you tel someone you have a problem with them instead of talking about them behind their back it seems to be less of an 'i hate you' statement and more of a 'i don't like what you were doing so don't do it around me'

 

[Mugen]

I just don't understand why people can't do the mature thing and confront the friend about the problem they have.

If you can't confront your friend about an issue then you two really aren't friends IMO, now that really is backstabbing and well wrong.

But I want to talk about situations like these with people that are not close to you.

I think it's because most people hate confrontations, situations like that are uncomfortable, weird and well sometimes hostile , and because while they don't want to hurt the person they are pissed of by her and can't hold back but talk to someone about it...

I think that it really depends on the person you have a problem with, if I think the person can take what I have to say and will act maturely about it, I will confront that person, but if I think that it'll just turn into a fight then I better just try to keep my distance from that person so they don't piss me off and I don't have to talk behind their back.

 

[Morrigan]

I believe it's because we're jealous of our friends,even if we don't realize it and mention their bad habits and so to make ourselves feel better.It's just an excuse to hide how crap we are on the inside.I've done it many times to feel like I'm better than the others and I admit that I was a b*tch.

Doing that also means that he/she isn't truly your friend and deep inside you don't even feel close to them.

 

[Coco]

I don't talk about my friends behind their back. No, really.
I don't think I have done that. When I have a problem with them, I come to them right away.

That is in regards to my friends. My enemies, on the other hand..

My most recent backstabbing venture was to the acquaintance of mine who offered sex to my boyfriend.

Tarninshed her reputation, that I did.

 

[Davey Gaga]

I'm more annoyed with the people who say "if ye need to bitch then do it to my face!" because they're LOOKING for a fight and are just acting solidddddd.

Anyway, we've all done it, as you say. I'm not counting anything mid-teens downwards because that just doesnae count as your overall character. However, I'd say that the majority of people who DO do it take part in it through a combination of cowardice, desperation (to fit in with a particular group), boredom and just a general desire to raise your own profile.

 

[Moogles]

I try not to talk behind anyone's back. It's not that I wouldn't like to on occasion; rather, it's because I don't want word to get out that I'm doing it. Things like that tend to get leaked...even if you're confiding in a close, trustworthy friend. People slip up.

Even so, I do it every now and then. Mostly to bothersome co-workers, annoying neighbors, relatives who I don't get along with very well, etc. I won't talk behind the back of someone I like or respect such as friends or close family. I'm close enough to them to just let 'em know if I have something on my mind.

 

[Rockman X]

Yeah, though it really begs the question of why people cannot just confront each other about their issues.

Unfortunately it's not that simple. Yes, it's quite doable with some people, but others really do not take well to criticism at all and will fling insults back in your face. With people like those, you're naturally going to be frustrated at not being able to talk to them, and it's easier to talk to someone else about it than keep the frustrations to yourself.

"Talking behind someone's back" isn't nearly as black and white as people make it out out to be.

I think it's because most people hate confrontations, situations like that are uncomfortable, weird and well sometimes hostile , and because while they don't want to hurt the person they are pissed of by her and can't hold back but talk to someone about it...

I think that it really depends on the person you have a problem with, if I think the person can take what I have to say and will act maturely about it, I will confront that person, but if I think that it'll just turn into a fight then I better just try to keep my distance from that person so they don't piss me off and I don't have to talk behind their back.

You raise good points as always, Mugen. Many people are afraid of confrontation, or like me, often times just don't feel like dealing with the hassle of backlash. And yes, some people just cannot handle being told things they don't want to hear. Sometimes keeping your distance from them is nigh impossible though, like if it's a family member or co-worker or student.

Actually, that gives me a good illustration. There was a kid in my biology class last semester, he was a real freak. He was fat with a greasy, patchy beard and long greasy, dirty hair. He looked like a homeless person. He was always babbling on about anime, and during the teacher's lectures he had a penchant for constantly interrupting her and trying to correct her. This was made worse by the fact that he STUTTERED so damn much it took him a few minutes to get out a sentence. And did I mention he was a freak? One day in class we're talking about the cardiovascular system, and he asks the teacher if vampires prefer blood from veins or arteries. Needless to say he was a pain.

I and my friends would always talk about him behind his back, and it wasn't due to our low self esteem (I certainly have no issues with that), and we didn't confront him about it because we didn't want interact with him any more than we possibly had to. We just did it because it made for a good conversation piece and we wanted to vent (as JR pointed out). I actually did finally go off on him in class once when he was going on about how if there was a bear in the room he would fight it (we were talking about the fight or flight reflex), and that only led to him trying to argue with me and the teacher telling him to shut up.

 

[Mitsuki]

I think it personally happens because people at that moment maybe extremely bitter about something, and like to vent their rage out. Its like an escape outlet, not necessarily meant to hurt people, but it's something you cannot really keep inside.

Agreed. There are many people out there who talks behind people's back not because they want to be absolutely cruel or mean, but because they need to vent to someone about something that's been bothering them about their friends, co-workers, or family members. That I can really understand since voicing out our problems about someone tends to give us a better understanding of why we feel the way we do and to sort of analyze the situation by discussing it with someone else and see what they possibly think.

Bitching and moaning about your friends to someone, however, is a different matter. There's different levels though - some can be so extreme, while others can be subtle about it...sort of like hinting that you don't really care for a particular person, but not really saying anything remotely mean since you just know it's not nice saying something bad about anyone at all...

I'm also with Mugen on the whole confrontation thing. Confrontations are usually the best solution, yes, but it doesn't always work for many people either. It all depends of whether you know the person you'll be confronting would take the matter seriously and in a decent manner, as well as how you present the problem to the person. Sometimes you really gotta think things first before you act...because things can really blow out of proportion so easily and lose friends along the way, which is very unfortunate, but that really tends to happen a lot...

Anyway, I don't believe that just because a friend talks behind my back doesn't mean that person isn't truly my friend afterall. Yes you can easily see it that way in the surface, but I really do try to understand first why it was done and usually it's for a valid reason - that perhaps I really was in the wrong and a friend of mine really saw it fit to talk about it with someone else. That's fine with me, no harm done. Sure it stings, but oh well. I know my friends and yes we've talked behind each other's back - that's really normal, to be honest. I don't do it to be cruel - rather I assess the situation and wonder why this friend of mine is acting the way he or she does...that I think his or her attitude is overbearing sometimes, so I talk to someone about it to see if they can provide opinions and advice or just simply vent out my frustrations. It's fine, it's normal, it's no big deal.

 

[L]

I can understand doing such a thing if you're angry, but otherwise I really don't see why anyone would talk behind their friend's backs, unless there's just something really funny about them or something. I don't often do that, but it can be amusing to talk about other people and their appearance

Usually when I'm angry, I'll do it despite my effort not to. I'm just a really bitchy person that likes to bitch about stuff, so I find it really difficult to restrain myself

 

[Rockman X]

Anyway, I don't believe that just because a friend talks behind my back doesn't mean that person isn't truly my friend afterall. Yes you can easily see it that way in the surface, but I really do try to understand first why it was done and usually it's for a valid reason - that perhaps I really was in the wrong and a friend of mine really saw it fit to talk about it with someone else. That's fine with me, no harm done. Sure it stings, but oh well. I know my friends and yes we've talked behind each other's back - that's really normal, to be honest. I don't do it to be cruel - rather I assess the situation and wonder why this friend of mine is acting the way he or she does...that I think his or her attitude is overbearing sometimes, so I talk to someone about it to see if they can provide opinions and advice or just simply vent out my frustrations. It's fine, it's normal, it's no big deal.

Good points, Suki. It really is a normal part of human behavior to talk about a friend to another friend. Like you said, sometimes people do it for insight or advice. Maybe friend A was a total dick to you and you don't understand why. Then you talk to friend B about it, and friend B tells you something you didn't know so you understand why friend A was being a dick. Or sometimes it can be reassuring to talk to others and know you're not the only one who's annoyed with a person.

Sure, people talk behind others' backs for the lulz or because they're not really their friends, but that's not always the only reason. And to be honest, saying "well they only do it cuz they have low self esteem" is pretty ignorant. People say the same thing about bullies and other types they don't like. But often times they don't take into account that the bully might be a bully simply because he's a sadist and enjoys hurting people. Things aren't always as simple as someone doing things out of no self esteem.

And ironically enough, every person I've ever met who has labeled people they don't like as having "no self esteem", actually has no self esteem themselves and only says it to make themselves feel better. They use it as a way of fooling themselves into believing the "bully" or whoever is actually the weak one inside. "Oh, this person is mean to me, they must have low self esteem or they must have a bad home life so they take it out on me." Yes, that's a possibility. Or they may just enjoy being mean to you and have loads more self esteem than you ever will. Everyone these days thinks they're a damn psychologist