Parents, Children, and Responsibilities

[Mitsuki]

So I was discussing about this particular subject with my sis-in-law last night and I wanted to see the general responses from others. Basically, let's say many years from now you have kids on your own...would you expect your children to get out of your house once they hit 18? Or would you let them stay but demand rent from them? Or would you rather just let them stay at your place for as long as they want and not expect them to pay rent? How exactly would you handle that situation?

As for those who are still living at their parent's place, what are your responses and are you expected to move out soon or not?

Anyway, my sister-in-law was kicked out of her dad's place as soon as she turned 18. Her dad's a real sweetheart, but her stepmom's one of those controlling type, reason why her dad acted sorta different sometimes. She had no place to go, had to work two jobs, stayed at friends' house, and finally moved in one of those renting homes with people she doesn't know. She went to the hospital a few times since she made herself sick for being a workaholic, and I was just really pissed off that her dad could disregard her like that, although they still do get along and she's always welcome to visit. I just find the whole situation weird. She's living with us now after two years of being 'alone' (since two months ago) and we share the rent, and I know she's very happy that she doesn't have to live in some stranger's house.

So last night she asked me, "Would you expect your daughter to move out when she turn 18? Or would you let her stay and have her pay rent until she moves out of her own?"

A simple answer: "No I wouldn't kick her out of my house, nor would I demand rent from her, but I do expect responsibilities from her and I'll make sure that she knows that and wouldn't need me to tell her of her own responsibilities."

Family is family and I will support my child in any way I can. I grew up in a family where rent is not expected from you but you do help out anyway because you want to, not because you have to. When I was living with my dad and stepmom back in Ohio, we were not required to pay any rent or help out with the groceries. Now, for the rent part, no we didn't pay anything but we did do our share of groceries each week, and even lend my stepmom $700 bucks when she needed money badly. We did not ask for money back since we figured us not paying any rent was a big help to us.

I want my daughter to grow up that way. Now, a funny thing is, my sis-in-law replied with, "Oh yeah that's good. But see my dad and stepmom thinks it turns their kids into spoiled brats if they just mooch off from their parents."

She does have a point. Yes it does happen, but it really depends on the child's upbringing and the parent's reaction. Let's say my daughter wants a car when she turned 16 and asks for one. I won't just give her the full money for it, but I will help her out. However, she needs to come up with the other half and make sure she will be responsible enough for car payments. Yes, that would mean she'll need to get a job, but I'll let her figure that one out on her own. I'm not going to say, "Go find a job first." But it will be hinted.

All in all, yeah I'll try to be a great parent and be there for my child and help her in any way I could, but not in a way that would leave her no room to explore her own responsibilities overall.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

Well when I lived at home I was expected to pay rent as soon as I got a full-time job. My family was really well-off with my dad having a really decent job so they never needed the money.

They did however want me to learn that growing up comes with certain responsibilities. They asked $50 a week from me and told me that I needed to learn to budget. I never ever got any hand-outs such as a car. I had to pay for everything myself and I'm glad my parents made me do that.

I think that if my parents had of done those things for me I wouldn't be so down to earth and knowledgable about life. Compared to a few of my friends who are the doughiest effing people in the world because they aren't expected to give their parents any sort of money and they get everything bought for them including cars. Plus they don't help out with anything around the house.

One of them actually said to me once after being given a brand new car, "Oh you know it's just one of those gifts." She said it so seriously and cluelessly too.

I was like, 'WTF. No it isn't. Do you know how much a brand new car like yours actually costs?"

The parents shouldn't allow them to be so effing moochy.

I will never kick my children out of their home when they would have nowhere else to go. That is just wrong. However, when I do have children and they are still living under my roof I am going to ask that they;

A) Start giving me rent as soon as they have a full-time job plus helping out with housework.

B) If they decide to remain part-time just to get out of paying me rent, I will ask for a percentage of their pay each week and then they might consider getting off their asses and looking for a decent full-time job. Considering they don't study.

C) If they are studying for something that requires full-time study, obviously they won't be working and I won't ask anything from them money-wise. However, I will ask for them to help out around the house instead.

Note: I don't care if I only have one child and I can afford to cover their costs. The idea is to get them familiar with the fact that living costs money and also comes with certain responsibilities such as taking care of yourself.

i.e: washing your clothes, ironing in order to look presentable, cooking etc.

Therefore, they will need to know how to budget and look after themselves without mummies help. By the time they move out they would have hopefully mastered these skills and will not feel so lost when it comes to doing them on their own.

I have seen too many people allow their children to get away with everything and just allow them to sit around at home not doing anything with their lives. This is while the parent continues to pick up after them and still make them dinner etc.

No. That will not be the sort of creation I will turn my kids into.

Ever since I have paid board and helped out my parents at home it has helped me adjust to my life now without the big, "HOLY CRAP I HAD IT SO EASY AT HOME. ONE MINUTE I'M DOING SHIT ALL, NOW I HAVE TO PAY $200+ RENT A WEEK AND PAY FOR FOOD AND MY PETROL AND DO MY OWN WASHING ETC."

It's cruel in a way to deny your children that kind of knowledge. You may think you're helping them by saving them an extra $50 each week and making sure that they get their study done by picking up after them. The fact is that life is not easy and even when they get their dream job and or move out, they are going to have absolutely no experience in organising their own life because mummy and daddy did it all for them. =/

 

[Bambi]

When my daughter grows up, I won't be kicking her out, until she's ready to leave.... I don't think that would make her spoiled brat unless I bring her up that way. My brother still lives at home though, and he dangles off the apron strings good and proper- but then he always has. I imagine I'l tke rent off her, and stick it in savings so when sjhe DOES move out, she has summat to help along.

You can't just kick them out if they have no where planned to go, there are plenty of ways to teach a kid responsibility =/

 

[Shu]

Well I know it's hard to be viewing it from the standpoint of you ladies with kid's already but I'll throw you a best standpoint from my point of view.

For someone I love or something (say pet) I'm a total push over if you work on the tear works. I am stern when needed, since I have looked after my younger cousins many times in the past, but am generally the fun going father type. I know one day.. that I'll be bypassed by the new generation and I'll have to except it and not try to be the cool dad every chance.. but when it comes to Rent and kicking my kid out.. well I would do something totally different than what you people explained.

Rent shows some sort of responsibility so my take on it, is I would still take rent from them if they had a job. WAIT WAIT! don't get down on me yet.. I would do something with the money without their knowledge. Honestly if they didn't have a job well, I would never boot them out unless they are doing something illegal in which puts them behind in life. Life gets hard sometimes on people who are just out of college or just out of highschool trying to make a living on their own, so I can't expect my kid to live life without running into obstacles and being jobless.

So now .. back to the rent part. I would take rent, but secretly I would invest it in their name. I would make a small savings account so that when they chose to move out, well I would present them with all the money he/she gave me from rent. It was only to show responsibility, because one day they wouldn't have me as a father.. so I don't want something to happen to me and they wouldn't be able to make it.

Honestly I would explain the freedoms of living in their own place. I love going back and getting an occasional home cooked meal from my parents, but I would not burden them by moving in ever. I don't care how bad the economy gets, we all have to have our respective space. When you are on your own, you can have your girl over, your boy over - you can come home as late as you would like and not have to worry waking anyone up. Also you don't have to feel dependent all the time on their money once you have your own source of income. Trust me it's not flattering to be in a relationship where you have to bring your partner back to your parents place beyond 20.

So that's my shot.

 

[Mitsuki]

Rent shows some sort of responsibility so my take on it, is I would still take rent from them if they had a job. WAIT WAIT! don't get down on me yet..

Eh, there's nothing wrong with asking rent from your children, so I doubt no one would 'get down' on you. xD Some people have their own way of managing things when it comes to their children and rent. The way I would do it though wouldn't be to outright ask for the rent money, but rather do it in a more subtle way so that I would let my daughter realize that hey, she can help out too and would do it willingly because she raised to be responsible enough. Say if she pops out rent money out of nowhere and goes, "Here mom, take it." Then yeah, I'll gladly take it.

If she doesn't bust out any rent money and she's been staying with us for awhile after she's turned 18, then yeah I'll make hints that it's time to find a job (if she has none) but I wouldn't do it in a way where she'll feel like she's being pushed out of the house. And if she does have a job and still can't afford to share rent, then that's ok, as long as I do see some genuine struggle from her. I know how hard it is to pay rent even if you have a job - sometimes you can barely make it from paycheck to paycheck. I'm not going to make it any harder for her by demanding rent. Bottom line is, my home will be open to all my children if they do need a roof on top of them. All I need to see is respect and responsibilities on their part.

But you know, Shu...your idea is actually quite a splendid one.

 

[Scarlet]

I'm currently 21 and I live with my parents. I am a full time student as well. It's not that I'm lazy or that I leech off my parents. (I lied, I kinda do. ) Rent here is very expensive. My county has the highest property tax in all of the USA. A single bedroom with a bathroom, and no kitchen is about 800-1000+ a month. Then there is the cost of food and transportation. You can barely get by 40k a year here.

Also I don't pay rent. I have a part time job and most of the money goes towards gas and whatever I wish to spend it on. The only reason I work part-time because my parents don't want me sitting around doing nothing. (I sound very spoiled right now, and yes, my parents have spoiled me. =/)

Shu - You have a great idea going on. I wish my parents would have done the same. My money runs out fast because I have a bad habit of eating out often and spending it on random junk.

As for parents kicking out their children.... It doesn't sit so well with me. No one should be forced out of their house unless they're not doing anything with their life or just screwing around. I'm amazed that some parents who have kids who've been to jail still allow them to live in their house.

 

[Aztec Triogal]

Christ, this isn't something I normally think about. I'd probably let them stay for free. It's always been the position of my parents to support the child whenever they can but to respect their independence when they want it. They should yearn to be independent, not forced to be. For the most part, I buy everything I own and live on my own dime.

I'm honestly not sure what I'd do with my own children but I can't say there is one right answer and one wrong answer. Each person is unique and probably the ways to help them grow and develop best is just as individual. I can't really say for sure.

 

[L]

Simply;

I would not force my own child to move out once they were 18 unless they were being horribly troublesome. The only other way I would force my child out of my home is if I was absolutely sure they had the necessary skills to make it on their own.

Though, nicking a few 20's off of them as 'rent' every now and then might be nice. If they had a job, anyway