On the Fence

[Shu]

Are you the type of person who gives relationship advice as far as arguments go?

If so do you look at both sides of the picture? Or do you primarily tend to agree with your friend on most things?


My Side:

Honestly I hate being asked questions from my close friends about this stuff. For one, I always try to see it from both points of view but always am asked to show a little bias towards my friends. This has always put me in a bad situation.

I don't know why people tend to think I'm good at answering these questions. I tend to be one who likes people to stay together unless of course all opportunities are expired (say one person just clearly does not love the person) or there is abuse. (mental or physical)

Why am I like this? Well for one I've been pretty much a relationship person since the age of 17, before that I had a few here and there, but not as much. When a girl comes to me about her guy friend. I let her explain the situation, but I don't slam the guy right away if his intentions are in the right spot. I mean I would hate for someone to lay into me to my girl, especially if they don't know me.

When a dude starts mumbling something about his girl, which is very rare I might add, I generally try to encourage him. Especially if there is suspicion of cheating or something along those lines. I always encourage honesty though. One bad move, such as a lie, could mean the start of the end for a relationship.

Granted there are some bad people, and also ones that hide a lot of from one another, but I don't categorize myself as quick to judge unless of course for the obvious (physical abuse).

Some people are not meant to be together, but who am I to tell them that? They should been the ones to judge.

 

[blakstang98]

Well Shu, I only know you from what I see on these forums. But I do see that you do have an open-mind and look at both points of view. And naturally you'll figure what you agree with it and carry out your opinion like so. I don't see a problem with your outlooks at all because you'll at least consider the point of view you disagree with.

It's very easy to favor a friends point of view, just because they're your friend, even if you don't necessarily agree with it. Personally, I won't agree with a good friend of mine if I feel he's wrong, I tell him how it is. Even if they're your friend, it's better to be honest with them (like you mentioned, lying is bad).

Like you said about 2 of your friend arguing about each other, this would put you in a bad spot, as you're bound to piss off one of them. But I think you just be honest with them and take the side you agree with, but to also make sure the other understands that you're not singling them out, and you just agree with the other.

In general, when it comes to relationship advice, I tend to give it a lot (looks at the Temple of the Ancients forum, yeah). I personally feel that I have a lot to offer about it, even though I may not necessarily have a ton of experience in that area. I've always been a student of people and how they act/react to any situation to better understand how people operate. Every relationship is unique in some way, but it seems most relationships follow a path and there are a few paths that tend to show themself very often. Hey if you feel like you can give some insight, then why withhold it, am I right?

Those are my thoughts on the matter.

 

[Dionysos]

I'm no love doctor. I'm not so good at giving out relationship advice to people, due to having pretty much no relationship experience of my own (I had my first and only girlfriend when I was in First School...). As a result I'm pretty fail in general as far as relationship advice goes (why most relationship threads in the Temple of the Ancients go un-Argored), though if someone was to come up to me and ask me what I think of their situation I will listen and give it my best shot.

My views on relationships are way too idealised though. If it were up to me I'd wish that everyone who wanted it could be matched up in loving pairs that they remain with long-term for the rest of their days and never get bored of each other / grow apart. But that isn't a realistic world, sadly. As such I don't really feel that I have a right to give relationship advice to people, as I have no experience myself so really my advice could pretty much be considered worthless, or only helpful to the degree that that is how I observe or even just through gut feeling on how the situation best be resolved, as opposed to me knowing through experience.

If a friend comes for advice it is easy to favour them, however that wouldn't do any benefits for the relationship if it is felt strongly that the second person in the relationship has strong reasons for whatever they are doing / not going / feeling / not feeling / acting / not acting. Better to state your opinions, if they have explained the situation and want help, and how they best act for the future and save themselves / their relationship.

To be honest though I haven't had many experiences where I have been in a situation to give relationship advice to people. A lot of my friends haven't had a girlfriend in some time. One that has that I have recently been giving advice to because the situation is so messed up (I'm not going to post it here), but that is one of the rare occasions I've been presented with that situation. Other than that I used to help a lot of people online (so much easier to speak online tbh) and still would if anyone came to me with a problem. But I feel that would suffer even more bias, as you are essentially only hearing one persons viewpoint, and not even meeting / seeing / know anything about the other person.

But I agree, it is best to take a step back and look at both members of the relationship before stating your opinions, as opposed to just nodding and agreeing with your friends / the person who comes to talk to you. I also personally wouldn't state them unless the person came up to me for help / mumbling / upset etc.

 

[Ewan]

People who come to with problems are subject to their own bias as well so it's my opinion that you HAVE to take both sides of the argument.
I would be very careful to only offer advice though, telling them what to do would defeat the purpose of why they're coming to speak to you and they have to make decisions themselves. I just try and help them make the best decision by making the situation they're in as lucid as possible.

 

[Vladislak]

If a friend comes to me with a relationship problem I always try to find and point out the flaws in the decisions they've made (or plan to make). Not to be mean mind you, but rather to help them improve upon themselves for the future.

That's not to say that I have all the answers or that I have a particular talent for finding the flaws in others, but rather that I give my all in trying to find the flaws.
After all, if someone has a problem then they should first think of how it could be solved by improving themselves so it won't happen again and then start thinking of their next course of action.


That being said, it tends to look like I side against my friends because I go out of my way to criticize them. In reality I'm just trying to help them as best I can.

 

[Bun]

Hahaha, god no. When it comes to relationships, I am probably one of the worst people you can talk to for advice. I would most likely end up calling both parties stupid for getting involved in a relationship in the first place as I am quite adverse to them, but when I really try to focus, I can usually be serious about the logical aspects.

Then, I would attempt to remind whoever is asking me for advice to consider whether being in a relationship is truly a good idea and tease them about getting what they deserve. :3

 

[Bakusa]

I'm usually very good at relationship advice, for some reason. I've also always been very good at maintaining relationships. If you were to call me something, it'd be a ROMANTICCCCCCC. Because I am very romantic and I know how to treat my significant other without smothering them.

Usually when people come to me with relationship advice I'm pretty good at giving it to them because despite myself being young, I've been through a lot of bullshit when it comes to relationships. My last one lasting almost two years, almost one year of that being long distance (I live in PA, she lived in CA), and I stayed faithful to her despite almost everything possible going wrong in the relationship. So I guess I have experience.

 

[Shu]

Well that's my problem though. Even if the situation is serious to a friend of mine, I'll just be like.. well I don't know their significant other enough to judge the situation.

You know how friends are always wanting an answer right then and there as well. This results for me in not always being blunt. I have to butter the situation to get more facts out of them before giving any kind of advice.

Let's take one story in mind.

A friend of mine K. was freaking out a few weeks back because she needed affirmation that her boyfriend was doing the right thing by entering the NFL draft and what not. First off, this was out of my area, since I don't know any NFL players.

She told me the situation about how him and her had just had a great weekend together down in Austin, TX (i'm assuming sex) and when she got back, things seemed off. The two of them seemed great when they were together, but the problem is her boyfriend was focusing on his career as a football player and leaving her on the side. Take in mind this girl is playboy hot, but she is doesn't have much as far as brains go.

So of course she is getting paranoid. They had broken it off before when he went to train with his agent over in Seattle. He said this is his life dream and stuff and that he won't be able to talk as much to her as before because of his time and dedication to the sport. So I told her at first that it sounds like an excuse, but honestly he might just be trying to fulfill his goals right now. She thinks that he wants to have random one night stands with girls and such, but I reminded her this was his first real relationship, I doubt he would jeopardize that.

He also said that he wanted to be with her and could not imagine being with any other girl. Many guys say that, but how many follow through? So I mean I did not know the guy from Bob, but I tried to reassure her it would be okay. I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt, but I don't quite know if I should have.

This stuff used to happen all the time, not as much now that college and high school are out of the picture. These days its more about divorces and stuff. I am a firm believer as I said before, of keeping people together. If the reasons "sound" legit I'll try to dilute the argument the best I can so I can make him/her see it from another angle. People are people though, a lot of cheaters out there, a lot of people doing stupid shiznit, so often times my advice is not right advice.

 

[blakstang98]

Well, I think you're right in the regards that you just don't know enough of the situation to have an opinion one way or another. It sounds like it's a pretty unique situation indeed. It certainly wouldn't be fair to judge the guy as being a typical NFL player (we know how they can be), and it's certainly not fair to take his word for it if you don't know him at all. This certainly falls into the classic love life vs. career dilemma, and what is more important to both individuals.

In all honesty, I don't see this standing the test of time. Of course, this is all dependent on how good of a player he is, if he has an injury-plagued career and such things that happen in sports. I honestly don't know how atheletes have successful marriages and such, considering they never see their spouse much during the season. But I imagine it's very hard, knowing that you won't get to spend much time with your spouse. If he ends up being a superstar player, then she'll have the pressure of dealing with her boyfriend being in the limelight constantly.

This really comes down to how she feels about him being away all the time. If the relationship is at a serious level (close to marriage and such), then she could travel with him (unless he didn't want this, which would be a big red flag for the fate of the relationship). It's like having a long distance relationship, if you care about the person, you wouldn't want them in another time zone, you'd want them with you. 99 times out of 100, it just won't work out.

She's not my friend and my opinion isn't of any relevance, but I think she might be better off picking up and moving on without him. If he was willing to make the relationship work at any cost, then maybe it stands a chance, but I'm thinking if he's puting career first (and with something as big as NFL, he pretty much has to follow through), then he is willing to move on without her. I'm a moral person and put love life before career all day, every day, but something as big as the NFL may be one of the very few exceptions as far as I'm concerned.

Even though that is my personal thoughts, I think if I'm in your shoes, I would give her the facts and thoughts, but not sway an opinion either way. It's really something she has to think more about and shouldn't have someone telling her what decision she should make or what decision is preferable. Stating the facts might help her figure out an answer without hearing your opinions, it's worth a shot anyway.

 

[Shu]

Trust me, I've already given her the shpeel. It doesn't help either that she gets all up in my face when she talks about him, like he is a damn birthday present. It's my girl's, well.. friend kind of sort of - but to be honest I think athletes in any pro sport (a tad bias) should never marry, settle down.

Its all about priorities to be honest, and most players get caught up in the fame and fortune, unlike College ball. (well even college ball is bad, without the pay). I told her to move on, and when he's done maybe it will all be gravy (by the way he was drafted Tony Fineman is his name. [walk on]).

I can only see hurt in a relationship with a football player, its as bad as my friend M. back home with bands. She wants to marry a damn musician. I always see her getting hurt though.

 

[Robbiedbee]

If it is a friend of mine, and they are in the wrong, I just try to stay out of it. Some people find it hard taking advice on something so personal, I know I have once or twice. Plus, I don't think an outside observer can know the full story behind a relationship problem, that's the beauty (bad word to use) of relationships.

If I'm sure my friend is being hard done by, I might say something, but only to my very closest friends. If people actually come to me for advice though, then I'll try to tell them what I see. I always endeavor to be fair, but I'm not one of those people who looks to give the offending party the benefit of the doubt. Only because I hate it when people do that with me. If I want to have a good old moan about someone, or something, I usually just want someone to say "Jesus, that sucks" then I'll move on and get over it. When people look to contradict that train of thought (for better or for worse) it just annoys me.

 

[blakstang98]

Well Shu, if you told her how you felt about the situation, then your duty as a friend has been relieved. If she takes badly to the shpeel, then the only thing you can do is let her make her own mistakes. This may result in her completely falling on her face, but that's what she needs to learn. It's unfortunate to see a friend make a decision that you feel is a bad one, but if you told her what you think, then there's nothing left to do but sit and wait to see what happens.