Serious Now this is where I thought I'd draw the line.

[Artemisia]

Never did I ever think I would be posting relationship questions on a video game forum. However my friend and family base are at a loss at how to advise me further on this situation, each giving me different opinions. I figured perhaps asking a bunch of complete strangers in a controlled environment would open me up to new light on the matter...

So, let's begin by saying I was going to be married, and my engagement to, let's call him Mr. S, ended in a spectacular failure earlier this year. Many issues were involved: long term problems and resentments never properly addressed, alcohol addiction, incorrect priorities. For the sake of my sanity, I finally ended the 4 year relationship/engagement.

Some time later, I met a remarkable fellow, let's call him Mr B. Mr B swept me off my feet without even trying. For an entire month we were the centre of each others worlds. But here's the catch: Mr B lives in another city, in another province. Not letting that daunt me, I saved up as I needed a holiday and went to stay with him for a week. Mr B and I became close very quickly. We spoke every day and were comfortable as friends as well as lovers. I was aware that he was having issues with an ex-girlfriend he'd also been with for many years. That didn't bother me as it was common ground for us, both coming out of long-term relationships with people we'd known for even longer than we'd been with them. In his case, he had dated his best friend and despite the nuclear holocaust it resulted in, he's still...well, hung up. I just didn't know how badly.

Upon returning home, 3 days later he went to a party where this ex-gf happened to be and the shit hit the fan. He ended up being white knight for her, and then apparently found out that horrible things he thought she did she didn't do, and then he was filled with guilt. Now it has changed from her being the baddie to it being his fault for everything, and he basically told me he can't not have her in his life in same shape or form, and he will do anything and everything in his power to seek her forgiveness. Understandably, this was difficult for me to hear over the phone 800km away.

He can't seem to decide if he wants to keep our relationship as friendly or more than friendly. When we visited we behaved as though we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He introduced me to his friends as his girl and was openly affectionate with me. All this came to end the moment I returned home and he went out that fateful night.

I am honestly at a loss. I have completely fallen for this man and we have developed an immensely close and strong bond very, very quickly. However he ruins any chance he has at happiness with his hang-ups over this ex. All my logic is telling me to run but something else just tells me to hang on. I am literally having a nervous breakdown over this because relationships are serious things for me. I am not a woman who just has flings and one-night stands. This is serious stuff for me.

So someone please, just hit the nail on the head for me. Even if my finger is in the way.

 

[Squid]

You're obviously not his first priority. Why put yourself through something like this. End it. Forget about it and find someone else.

If he liked you as much as you like him he wouldn't be doing this to you. End it now while it's still fresh before you fall even more. Though why you'd be pining over someone who is pining for someone else, I don't know.

Tell him you can't deal with being his second priority, specially after he treated you like a girlfriend (or strung you along or whatever) and tell him it's over.
If he truly likes you he'll try to find a way to fix things, though I wouldn't take him back if that happens.

Done and done

 

[Lirael]

If I were you, I'd take a step back and give him the space to sort out his feelings. I can kinda relate to both of you. :/

I know it's horrible to lose someone you care about, that you are quite possibly in love with, but if your feelings aren't reciprocated, you could end up feeling bitter, rejected and disheartened. Watching him drift towards another girl could make you feel less confident and less able to trust another person - that all depends on your personality. You don't deserve to feel that way. :/

He needs to be able to make the right decision without feeling he'll hurt you. He is no doubt rather confused and hurt currently as his reasons for disliking a past love have been shattered - now he is left with guilt, regret and he possibly questions whether or not they would have had a chance. I don't think it's a matter of HIM being the bad guy or you being second best at all. He was with this girl for years so no doubt came to depend on her. None of us can control how we feel; sometimes people need to know the answer to their questions about past loves.

I really do empathise with you. My boyfriend Chris was with his ex for 5 1/2 years and there have been times when I've wondered what would happen if old feelings flared up between them. I used to worry about it a lot. I decided that if it DID happen, I'd rather Chris find out than stay with me; I'd rather he find out than spend his life wondering whether things with the other girl could have worked out for life.

I would also like to point out that YOU deserve to be the centre of someone's world. You deserve to be that special person for someone else - it's not enough for them to be special to you. I think that perfect relationships, the ones that MUST last, are relationships in which both feel the other person is the best thing to have ever happened to them. People don't have to depend on one another for happiness, but people should find that their partner makes them feel euphoric - couples should make one another soar, should bring confidence to one another, should support one another through adversity.

If you need to talk about it more, don't hesitate to get in touch! *hugs*

 

[Squid]

I would also like to point out that YOU deserve to be the centre of someone's world. You deserve to be that special person for someone else - it's not enough for them to be special to you. I think that perfect relationships, the ones that MUST last, are relationships in which both feel the other person is the best thing to have ever happened to them. People don't have to depend on one another for happiness, but people should find that their partner makes them feel euphoric - couples should make one another soar, should bring confidence to one another, should support one another through adversity.

I agree with this bit so much if you don't feel like you are special to them then what's the point?

I still think it's quite rude of him to not let you go while he is sorting out his feelings though. To me it's like he's holding onto you and this girl so if one fails he has a back up.

 

[Lirael]

I agree with this bit so much if you don't feel like you are special to them then what's the point?

I still think it's quite rude of him to not let you go while he is sorting out his feelings though. To me it's like he's holding onto you and this girl so if one fails he has a back up.

Oh it's certainly a bit selfish, but I am guessing he's also a) afraid of hurting Artemisia and b) doesn't want to draw a line because he enjoys being with her. I have certainly found it hard leaving people in the past until I'm certain things with them aren't and never will be right for me. I've been afraid of losing a connection with someone.

Having said that, I've never EVER stayed with someone and left them wondering over how I feel whilst I test the waters with someone else. THAT is a bit much. When there are three people involved, you must be honest and decide before you confuse, hurt and exploit people.


@Artemisia How long ago did he start pondering over what he wants? How long ago did he start to distance himself from you? If it's been a couple of days, he may just need some space to sort his head out and then he'll come back to you, but if it's been a couple of weeks or more... well, he's just being a coward. He needs to admit how he feels so I would confront him about it and tell him that you need him to be honest. Tell him how you feel about him, but tell him that you can't sit by and wait for him to try things out with another girl. He needs to tell you what he wants. If this all started a couple of weeks ago and he's still unsure, tell him that that's not enough. :/ Tell him that you deserve to be special to someone else and that, whilst you care about him, you can't stay with someone who doesn't love you as much as you need to be loved.

 

[Sepalcure]

Artemisia, I can sort of relate to this. I ended up distancing myself from the person and forcing them to make a decision. It's not courteous at all to string along two people because of your confusion over your feelings for them. Either you make a decision to sincerely stay faithful to one person or you cut ties with both people--anyway that's how I would solve this. As for your dilemma, I must say that I would never tolerate playing second fiddle to someone, least of all to a man's ex girlfriend. I agree with Lirael, you should sit him down and lay out everything honestly. Tell this guy how you feel and how hearing about his guilt over his ex girlfriend makes you feel. On his end, I'm sure it's world-shattering to find out that everything you've built up and established about this person just isn't what it seems. Spending your time sticking a "baddie" label on someone you've spent years of your life with requires energy and time...so finding out that's not the case can be emotionally and mentally draining for him. He needs time to be distanced and really think about where his head lies.

He still cares about her and if he really felt so strongly for you then he would've never put you through such emotional turmoil in the first place. Feel free to tell him that because of this you've been a right emotional mess too. But also let him take the time to make his decision and ponder over whom he wants more. I know this is going to be very hard and trying for you but think about it: you'll feel so much lighter afterwards. You deserve someone to treat you like you're the best thing that's ever happened to them, not just the other way around. You deserve someone who's going to support you no matter what and listen to you vent about things and buy you small lovely gifts. You deserve that. But you don't deserve to be the second girl in someone's life and you certainly don't deserve to hang on to him while he figures his feelings out. You should move on and focus on your life and do things that make you happy. Forget about him and a much more deserving guy will properly sweep you off your feet this time. No hidden surprises.

 

[Richard B Riddick]

Its somewhat normal to feel remorse in realizing you've done a friend wrong.

In a way, its good that he feels remorse about wronging his ex / best friend.

It may show he cares about people and he'll try to make the decision that is best for everyone, as opposed to only thinking about himself.

He may feel indebted to her or feel obligated to right whatever wrongs were committed. Its not necessarily a reconciliation.

Even if he wanted her back she must feel betrayed. Think about it. If you were friends with someone and they ruined it over a misunderstanding would you easily trust them? Would it be easy to set aside any lingering bad blood that was present?

I would guess she's over him or would have made more of an effort to get him back by now if she were interested. Burned bridges don't necessarily get rebuilt..

But, who knows.... The fact that two people who considered each other best friends can allow things to deteriorate to a point where they're no longer on speaking terms is pretty amazing if you think about it. Its like Tifa and Cloud not being friends anymore.

Social norms need no longer apply..

 

[Coco]

Like Lirael, I can relate to both sides.

Based on what you wrote, it doesn't seem like he meant this to happen. But what he's doing, keeping you in suspense, is not right. As others have said, it's looking as if you're plan b. Tell him to strap on a pair.

All my logic is telling me to run but something else just tells me to hang on.

I understand how you feel completely. That little 'something else' that's telling you to hang on is just you hoping on the idea of him. That's what's making you hope. Because right now, it's not him want. You want who he was that week you spent together, and who you're hoping he will be in the future, that you're overlooking the fact that he is being a jerk right now.

Listen to logic, and let go. I had to tell myself the same thing two years ago. You fell hard for him, but the fall from here is going to be much harder the longer you delay. Find someone who wouldn't keep you waiting, who would choose you in a heartbeat. Because you don't deserve anyone less worthy than that.

 

[Artemisia]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by these responses. Thank you so much for your input, everybody...I apologise for the late reply but I have been allowing things to settle and see what happens next.

If I were you, I'd take a step back and give him the space to sort out his feelings. I can kinda relate to both of you. :/

I know it's horrible to lose someone you care about, that you are quite possibly in love with, but if your feelings aren't reciprocated, you could end up feeling bitter, rejected and disheartened. Watching him drift towards another girl could make you feel less confident and less able to trust another person - that all depends on your personality. You don't deserve to feel that way. :/

He needs to be able to make the right decision without feeling he'll hurt you. He is no doubt rather confused and hurt currently as his reasons for disliking a past love have been shattered - now he is left with guilt, regret and he possibly questions whether or not they would have had a chance. I don't think it's a matter of HIM being the bad guy or you being second best at all. He was with this girl for years so no doubt came to depend on her. None of us can control how we feel; sometimes people need to know the answer to their questions about past loves.

I think that is where the timing of our relationship was just wrong...we both still have way too many attachments and issues with our pasts to be able to form any sort of secure relationship right now, distance factor not even being included. But you were very right about this Lirael.

How long ago did he start pondering over what he wants? How long ago did he start to distance himself from you? If it's been a couple of days, he may just need some space to sort his head out and then he'll come back to you, but if it's been a couple of weeks or more... well, he's just being a coward. He needs to admit how he feels so I would confront him about it and tell him that you need him to be honest. Tell him how you feel about him, but tell him that you can't sit by and wait for him to try things out with another girl. He needs to tell you what he wants. If this all started a couple of weeks ago and he's still unsure, tell him that that's not enough. :/ Tell him that you deserve to be special to someone else and that, whilst you care about him, you can't stay with someone who doesn't love you as much as you need to be loved.

The distancing lasted for just short of a week, until two days ago I laid it all bare, I said that it was difficult for me in my position to listen to him pine over his ex, and that I was very hurt by the way he distanced himself from me when I came back home. Something seemed to click in him then, because he got very upset over his actions and apologised profusely. He said he never wanted to hurt me and was terrified of doing so, hence his pulling back after the party incident. He felt he couldn't be in limbo over his ex while treating me like a girlfriend or possible girlfriend. He asked me to give him time, and that he absolutely adores me but feels he can't be the guy he should be for me because of all his issues. I told him that's fine, but in the mean time we are only friends and if I am under no obligation to remain attached to him. We agreed on this.

Having said that, I've never EVER stayed with someone and left them wondering over how I feel whilst I test the waters with someone else. THAT is a bit much. When there are three people involved, you must be honest and decide before you confuse, hurt and exploit people

That's exactly what he said he wanted to avoid.

Its somewhat normal to feel remorse in realizing you've done a friend wrong.

In a way, its good that he feels remorse about wronging his ex / best friend.

It may show he cares about people and he'll try to make the decision that is best for everyone, as opposed to only thinking about himself.

He may feel indebted to her or feel obligated to right whatever wrongs were committed. Its not necessarily a reconciliation.

Even if he wanted her back she must feel betrayed. Think about it. If you were friends with someone and they ruined it over a misunderstanding would you easily trust them? Would it be easy to set aside any lingering bad blood that was present?

I would guess she's over him or would have made more of an effort to get him back by now if she were interested. Burned bridges don't necessarily get rebuilt..

But, who knows.... The fact that two people who considered each other best friends can allow things to deteriorate to a point where they're no longer on speaking terms is pretty amazing if you think about it. Its like Tifa and Cloud not being friends anymore.

I fully agree there Riddick. My ex is trying desperately to apologise and prove he's sorry for what he did...but all it does is bring up painful memories and make me feel sad/uncomfortable. I am guessing this is what his ex is going through, and I told him this. She clearly isn't interested anymore, yet there long bond probably means she still would like him in her life, albeit on friendly terms. I feel the same about my ex. I still enjoy spending time with him in a social situation but that's as far as it'll go now. I've also known him a loooong time, ten years in fact, and it's not easy to just let go of someone you've known for so long.

I understand how you feel completely. That little 'something else' that's telling you to hang on is just you hoping on the idea of him. That's what's making you hope. Because right now, it's not him want. You want who he was that week you spent together, and who you're hoping he will be in the future, that you're overlooking the fact that he is being a jerk right now.

Listen to logic, and let go. I had to tell myself the same thing two years ago. You fell hard for him, but the fall from here is going to be much harder the longer you delay. Find someone who wouldn't keep you waiting, who would choose you in a heartbeat. Because you don't deserve anyone less worthy than that.

That's what I've decided to do. If he wants me, he must sort himself out and come get me. For now, I have said we are only friends. Perhaps in the future there can be something but not now, because there are just too many issues going on in both our lives for a relationship to happen. It'll only get ruined. I don't want to hold on to the idea of him, I really don't because I know its foolish. So I'm just going to try continue with my life the best I can and get over what happened, as hard as it is going to be :'-(

Again thank you everyone who commented and gave their views. I really didn't expect this. You have my deepest gratitude.