Serious I got nothing

[GBJoker]

I've lost it. Completely. I'm gone.

I don't fit in anywhere. I can't make any friends worth a damn. I'll never be able to date any one. There's just no point. No one can tolerate me, and I can't tolerate any one else. Or, I guess I can rephrase that to... No one likes my old fashioned opinions on virtually all aspects of life, and I can't tolerate a single damn thing.

When I was 16, I had a friend named Bianca. She was cool as shit. Best friend I'd probably ever had. We were both slightly suicidal, and one night I was about to off myself, and she kept calling my phone trying to reach me. After an entire bloody 30 minutes of me sitting there, debating, the phone ringing the entire time, I finally answered it, and she demanded that I promise her I'd never even think of suicide again. I made the promise. Two weeks later, she hung herself. She was beyond high and maybe drunk and didn't know a damn thing she was doing.

Any ways, I kept the promise. It's the only promise I've ever made to any one in my life. I don't even make joke promises, because when I make a promise or garauntee or something, I keep it. Period.

After that incident, I did the only thing I felt was right. I dropped out of high school, got a GED, and went straight to college. Absolutely dominated 90% of the classes I was in. Tried to find a job, got one, and been on and off jobs ever since. Never made any friends of any degree or definition of the word "friend" in any of my classes. I tolerated people at various work places, but never hung out with them when not working. I just never got along with any of 'em.

Year and half ago, I had brain surgery. Removal of a bacterial abscess is the term for the operation I had. Basically, I had a golfball size chunk of bacteria in between my skull and mushy brain, and it was putting strong enough pressure on the brain to damage several nerve cells. No one knew it was there until I started seizing, and my doctor ordered a MRI right away and found it. 12 hours later, I'm in surgery. Yeah, he that's good of a doctor.

Anyways, took some time off both school (I still don't have an associates yet) and work to recover. 'Bout 6 months ago, right in the middle of the second biggest depression America has ever seen, I start applying for jobs. I got WalMart, but only lasted 3 months before being fired, and here I am now, looking around again.

Tonight... I've thought about suicide for the fifth time since the brain surgery. Between having zero friends since the surgery, not having a job, and therefore no money to go to school, I've nothing. And now, for the fifth time, I've broken my promise.

I don't know why I made this damn thread... I needed to rant or something.

Don't worry about what you put in your replies. Trust me, I don't get offended by anything really.

 

[Valvalis]

Well, don't give up. Hang in there. A few years back I used to feel like I had nothing going for me and everything was crap, but then things randomly started to turn for the better and now I'm probably the happiest I've ever been. The way I see it, if you give it a little time, there's at least a chance that things will improve for you. But if you don't, if you just give up and end it all...well, we really have no way of knowing what's going to happen afterward. If there is an afterlife, not to sound pessimistic but it could be a thousand times worse than what you're going through right now. At least here and now, in this life, you know the parameters, and maybe have a chance of getting things under your control. And if there's nothing after this life, then this is the only shot you have to experience anything in your life that is good, even just something as simple as a favorite food or a video game, etc.

Anyway, it sounds like you're good at school...maybe just try to focus on trying to get back into that--I don't know how things are where you live, but where I am places like grocery stores and video rental stores seem to have a pretty high turnover. Just keep applying at whatever jobs you can, I'm not sure if you have a particular career in mind but internships are also a good way to work your way into a job if you can find any. Once you save enough money, you can maybe try to go to school again and work towards whatever career you might have in mind or whatever field you want to get into. I mean, I don't know if this would work for you or not, but I've always found that staying goal-oriented really helps; otherwise I feel like I'm kind of just drifting aimlessly and it is a lot easier to get depressed when you don't have something particular to concentrate on, it's happened to me plenty of times. Again, just don't give up--when things finally start to get better you'll be glad that you stuck it out.

 

[Tmoo]

pick yourself up and keep trekking. that's all i can say really. here's a wish for better things to come from a stranger. and remember - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[eye of the divine]

I'm sorry to hear your struggling hun,

All I can say is I never fit in socially much eaither and sometimes it does get ontop of you. However you can't let it win, don't act on those thoughts.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? they could provide some help if you wanted.

 

[SapphireStar]

Jesus, Im sorry youve gone through this shit. My ex is going through alot of shit at the mo and all I can tell him is it gets worse before it gets better. Im hoping to God you are near the end of the worse and make it to the goodness.

Suicide is not the way!

Please, dont let this enter your head. Suicide as they say is the cowards way out. Manys a time I, my friends and ex have thought on it. But it will pass. Dont give up, keep going forward. If you are negative, then that is what you draw to yourself. How do you know people dont like you? Have they sat you down and told you this?? Dont give up damnit!!!

 

[Marquis of Granby]

Me and Kelly call it a "get a grip tune", if after listening it doesn't make sense then we must be talking a load of bollocks. I'd usually dismiss this kind of thing myself, probably call it pish and tell you to get a grip but...eh =/.

I'm shit socially too, in fact I've just had the most boring weekend of my life, but who ever said life was supposed to be easy? If you want something I s'pose you've just to go out and get it. Hang in there.

 

[GBJoker]

I'm sorry to hear your struggling hun,

All I can say is I never fit in socially much eaither and sometimes it does get ontop of you. However you can't let it win, don't act on those thoughts.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? they could provide some help if you wanted.

I've had six therapists over the years. Either they gave up on me, or I gave up on them. I tried three different kinds of medication, and nothing did anything.

 

[West]

I'm sorry to hear about your hardships, and I know that when someone gets in a mood like that, it's practically impossible for anyone to say the "right thing" to lift your spirits even the smallest degree. So in that case, I won't throw a bunch of clichéd and futile expressions at you. And in a similar vein, I won't try to compare your problems to my own, because that's not at all what the thread is about and I doubt it'd make you feel any better about what you're going through.

But I will say that you seem like a genuinely cool dude. And even though we have only ever interacted a relatively little amount, I like seeing your side of things, even though--and because--I generally think about things in a different way. For what it's worth, I'd be bummed if you suddenly disappeared.

I feel like this post is largely pointless, but I still felt some obligation to say something here... Anyway, I hope things start looking up for you soon, in some way, shape, or form! Hang in there, champ!

 

[Six]

Heh...

I honestly don't think anything that I can say will help, but... Promises, are important to me... And... You haven't broken yours.

I was surprised to read you kept your promise to her even after all the shit you went through with losing a friend. Maybe you thought about it, but that doesn't mean you broke it.

Keep at it, as it's obviously a drive for you. Shit gets hard, and sometimes it seems easier that way, but in the end, it's what you feel right with, and from the sounds, you don't seem right with breaking promises.

Give it some time. Honestly this is what everyone would say, but... Calm down at first, is what I think I want to say. Take one step at a time with what you want to do, lay out some plans, or talk to people on the forum, like how you made this thread. You'll be surprised at how help offering people can be.

Once you have something you can try, you just gotta try it one step at a time, if it works, that's great, if not, no worries, new plan, and another set of baby steps.

I think you know what I mean.

 

[blakstang98]

Well, it's safe to say you're going through a rough patch in your life these days, but it happens to all of us. No matter how you look at it, things will get better in time, so taking your life won't allow you to see those good things. Plain and simple, you just gotta battle through it, and good things will start to happen. Afterall, your mind is in the right place as far as wanting to go back to school is concerned.

I have to ask, what the hell did you do to get fired from Walmart? I mean, was it because you were a temporary hire for the holiday rush or did you do something to get you canned? Either way, don't let what happened get in the way of any future jobs. It's better to look to the future and forget the past. Sure, America just took possibly it's worst turn history, keep trying.

I believe I read somewhere that you mentioned that you've never had a girlfriend before? This seems to be a common issue with people who never had a relationship before, they tend to see suicide as a means to get out because they think nobody appreciates them for who they are. I know I'm asking for a lot here, but I think having a girlfriend will change your attitude on life, even if that girlfriend isn't the one you spend your life with. When I got my first girlfriend, I realized that there could be much more in life that would make me happy, even though that relationship lasted 6 months and ended in a bitter way. The feeling of love (even mistaken love) will help you appreciate life and strive to find that special person for you.

And also, I'm not saying this to be an asshole or anything, but your comments can be a bit brash at times. Being brash about somethings is all well and good, but it's possible that not being able to make friends or get a girlfriend might be a result of your attitude (you could be totally different in real life for all I know, I'm just going by what I read on this forum). So maybe, just lighten up a little, then you may see better reactions from people and then you could maybe make some friends and find that special someone. Truth be told, I only have 1 real life friend myself, and that's all I need. But I never hung out with others when I was in school either, just my childhood friend. So no worries about having many friends, it's worked for me thus far.

 

[Shu]

Hey bud,

I'm a little late on this but I think any response is better than nothing at all. I want to give you some of the hard honest truths about this, and only because I've been weathered. My cousin ended his life early in my life and I never understood why, he was a christian counselor and he was in touch with the family quite often.. What it did though was create a rift in most of us.

It divinely impacted my life, in such a way that having faith in things such as religion was pointless. So many unanswered questions, yet no one to turn to, and never had I ever talked about it until 5 years later.

All I can say though is.. suicide is the most selfish act in this life. The term suicidal is way to overused and way to loosely. If someone mentions suicide around me, I freeze, chills run up and down my back and I close my eyes. It's not something I like to dwell on.

So GBJoker you are the only one who can control what you do with your life. You might be emotionally imbalanced, but the real question behind it all.. what do you live your life for? Yourself or Others?

I'm sorry for your friend, and man you've been through a lot.. but if you make it in this life, you will be looked up to because of all the shit you've been through. Some folks in this life can't even handle having their daddy tell them they can't have a BMW, but you my friend should be proud of what you've survived through.. and actually take charge and lead.

Otherwise.. if you have already made up your mind.. then go ahead and finish yourself. Since it is your choice, no one can stop you. But what a effin waste it would be.

 

[eye of the divine]

I've had six therapists over the years. Either they gave up on me, or I gave up on them. I tried three different kinds of medication, and nothing did anything.

Well then if at first you don't succeed try and try again?

every therapist is differant so try differant therapists. If you struggle socially try practicing go to a bar even if you don't drink you can practice on strangers who your never gonna see again.

But yeah I agree with Shu you've been through so much and you should be proud of what you've acheived you've made your own way in the world and to be honest you've probably accomplished more than me.

 

[GBJoker]

I honestly don't think anything that I can say will help, but... Promises, are important to me... And... You haven't broken yours.

No, I broke it. I'm damn sure of that.

I believe I read somewhere that you mentioned that you've never had a girlfriend before? This seems to be a common issue with people who never had a relationship before, they tend to see suicide as a means to get out because they think nobody appreciates them for who they are. I know I'm asking for a lot here, but I think having a girlfriend will change your attitude on life, even if that girlfriend isn't the one you spend your life with. When I got my first girlfriend, I realized that there could be much more in life that would make me happy, even though that relationship lasted 6 months and ended in a bitter way. The feeling of love (even mistaken love) will help you appreciate life and strive to find that special person for you.

I absolutely hate the idea of a girlfriend or boyfriend. They cost way too much time and money and I'd barely get shit out of it. Yeah, I'm selfish, but that's realistic. All humans and animals are selfish, 'cept Confucius and Buddha.

I have to ask, what the hell did you do to get fired from Walmart? I mean, was it because you were a temporary hire for the holiday rush or did you do something to get you canned? Either way, don't let what happened get in the way of any future jobs. It's better to look to the future and forget the past. Sure, America just took possibly it's worst turn history, keep trying.

I got fired for sexual harassment concerns. I never figured out the whole story before they fired me.

And also, I'm not saying this to be an asshole or anything, but your comments can be a bit brash at times. Being brash about somethings is all well and good, but it's possible that not being able to make friends or get a girlfriend might be a result of your attitude (you could be totally different in real life for all I know, I'm just going by what I read on this forum). So maybe, just lighten up a little, then you may see better reactions from people and then you could maybe make some friends and find that special someone. Truth be told, I only have 1 real life friend myself, and that's all I need. But I never hung out with others when I was in school either, just my childhood friend. So no worries about having many friends, it's worked for me thus far.

How can I lighten up when every one expects me to fail at everything in life because I'm disabled, and treat me like crap, and then get beyond pissed when either I do fail, or I dominate? The only solution I see is to become the smartest, most arrogant son of a bitch any one's ever known, which is what I'm on the path to doing at this moment.

So GBJoker you are the only one who can control what you do with your life. You might be emotionally imbalanced, but the real question behind it all.. what do you live your life for? Yourself or Others?

Both. Depends on my mood. Mostly myself. I have no friends, and I am cutting myself off from my family on virtually a yearly basis now. Why would I want to live for any one 'cept myself at this point.

Well then if at first you don't succeed try and try again?

every therapist is differant so try differant therapists. If you struggle socially try practicing go to a bar even if you don't drink you can practice on strangers who your never gonna see again.

I've studied psychology and sociology. Both bs subjects if you ask me, but the point is, I have a vague idea of what to look for in a psychologist of a therapist, and I've tried a lot of types. None work.

And I can't talk to strangers. I tend to piss them off, or they piss me off and we get into fights. It's annoying.

 

[blakstang98]

I absolutely hate the idea of a girlfriend or boyfriend. They cost way too much time and money and I'd barely get shit out of it. Yeah, I'm selfish, but that's realistic. All humans and animals are selfish, 'cept Confucius and Buddha.

Well sure, when you look at it as a girlfriend or boyfriend takes up time and money, then of course you would see it as a negative. But you ask, what do I get out of it, for my time and money? A chance at true love. True love is something you could never put a price on, nor would you mind spending time with it. So what you call realistic logic is far from that. It's not necessarily a selfish logic either, just a poor outlook on it. Does every relationship work? Of course not, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't try or that it's hopeless in the long run. True love is something that surpasses anything else, including suicide.

How can I lighten up when every one expects me to fail at everything in life because I'm disabled, and treat me like crap, and then get beyond pissed when either I do fail, or I dominate? The only solution I see is to become the smartest, most arrogant son of a bitch any one's ever known, which is what I'm on the path to doing at this moment.

The simplist answer I can give you for this is, who cares what others think. If you set out to accomplish something, what others are snickering about is not a concern. When I told people back in high school that I was going to be an engineer, they didn't think it was possible. Not that I wasn't smart or anything, but morely that I may be slightly incompetent or will lack the effort. Here I am sitting at my desk as a mechanical engineer for two and a half years now. People will always tell you that you'll fail, and it's either just jealousy or just a reason to insult you. But who cares what they think? And even though I'm not a fan of arrogance, it is necessary to have some when trying to win at the game of life. Being smart isn't necessary, you just need common sense, it's worked for me thus far.

Both. Depends on my mood. Mostly myself. I have no friends, and I am cutting myself off from my family on virtually a yearly basis now. Why would I want to live for any one 'cept myself at this point.

See, now you're starting to understand! Even though I'm a big believer in family, ultimately the only person you should be looking out for is yourself. If there is no negative backlash with you and your family, then I wouldn't suggest cutting them off completely, but sometimes you do need a break to sort out your own life.

 

[M1ghty Mous3]

Life is a beast that will deal different paths to different people. The only way to forge your pwn path, is to deny what life is making you do. You say yo ucan't tolerate people, try to learn and tolerate people. You have no friends, try and atleast start talking to people when your not at work or school. The first step is always the hardest, but always the best. Find a way of self-medicating. Nothing harmful though. Getting sauced isn't bad, just make sure it isn't a daiy thing.

Once we have dealt with lifes challanges can we truely see.

 

[Black Butler]

Dont give up,your not alone,theres all different kinds of people out there,its hard to escape loneliness but just find a place to make new friends and dont tell them about your past unless your cool with it,and dont forget that you have family.

 

[GBJoker]

I'm surprised so many posted to this thread.

None of you know me at all, yet you're acting like I'm an ol' dear friend that's gone down the drain.

 

[L]

All you can do in life is try to be happy, anything else is mere sophistry.

 

[Tipsynaruto]

I'm surprised so many posted to this thread.

None of you know me at all, yet you're acting like I'm an ol' dear friend that's gone down the drain.

See! And you thought no one cared.

I really can't offer any brilliant advices like the others other than this. Don't focus on a tree, and miss the forest.". Look through those that put you down or have a negative effect on you. Do not have your eyes covered by those few trees and cause you to miss the bigger forest. Just like how we offer advice and support, there are others that will too.

So.... Ganbatte! Hang in there

 

[Valvalis]

I'm surprised so many posted to this thread.

None of you know me at all, yet you're acting like I'm an ol' dear friend that's gone down the drain.

Well, we can't just let you go through this alone That's what communities are for, right?