Serious Game Over

M1ghty Mous3

M1ghty Mous3

CLKWRK
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Dec 24, 2008
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So as of this present time in space, i just don't care anymore. Situation is like, fucked, or maybe it's just me. Therapist works, but only a a month or so, at least until next session. It seems like the world's at large, and i was left alone, to delocate myself from within. Well it seems to be working. I could get hit bus a bus tomorrow and wouldn't give it a second thought. Shit happens,i get that, but fuck seriously?

I understand there are people worse off then me in the world and people who starve, people who deal with war on a daily basis, life and death by the second, but really? Why does it seem like when stuff might get going well, shit turns for the darker. College is going well, yea cool, I'm sure most think im weird fucking creeper who'll rape them in their sleep then murder the unborn child.

I don't care for people, cool, then why the fuck does it seem like i can't get a damn break. I just want a shitty minimum wage job for christ sake. So long as i have a damn job and an income idc what im doing.

Plus parents don't make it too much easier. Mom not bad, she jus to occasionally tells me i need to stop smoking cigs, but dad. I went to return 3 overdue movies today, that blockbuster had charged us $60 (id how the fuck they charged us that much, and don't really care) turns out we only got 27.17 back. Cool, better then nothing. I get home after i get a jump from a random person, since dads car is shit. I get home and tell him about it and he's like "Why didn't you call me then?!" Like really, i did what the fuck you asked, sorry shit didn't turn out how you had hoped. Don't take it out on me. Like no joke, it seems like whenever i'm involved in something and it goes bad, i;m the one to blame.

Honestly, the only thing that keeps this broken record, spinning is music, and the next high. Nothing in life has been more joyful then music and tripping nutz. I don't do it often, so please none of the rehab stuff, i'm not addicted, it's just the only thing that makes shit go away. And even then i only tripp once every 3-4 weeks. With the weed, well i haven't smoked it in like 2 weeks or so. So it's not the drugs makin me feel shitty.


It's just......when you see yourself as an android and people don't talk to you often or don't even wanna play a game online with you, you start to isolate yourself even further. Hell, my best friend, well former, we don't even talk anymore. Like I'm meant to walk the earth in isolation for all my life. I'll admit i enjoy my privacy but i enjoy talking with people also. Yea i'm weird, so are you, get the fuck over it. Yea i wanna have mechanical parts like from FMA, so what? I think it's be boss and i'd feel more me.

This past week or 2 has probably been the hardest i've tried to find a job. I can't go about town and do it since i watch my lil bro while everyone else does wor kand shit, so i put in apps online, call them 2 days from that, and 2 days from that, and yada yada. Still nothing, always, oh were not hiring right now, or, Our manager isn't in right now. Just tell me straight, we don't want to hire you. Quit wasting my time.

Today i've been so close to breaking that barrier. The one i haven't been able to break in 5-6 years or so. I haven't cried in so long, and i know when i eventually do, it'll be like an hr long sob. Just....ugh.

Family thinks i complain alot. Well shit look at what i have to say for myself. Yea thats right, nothing. OOooh a license to drive, yea with what fucking car? Oh your in college, yea cool, didn't have much of an option there bucko. Your alive aren't you? Yea, but when your alive, your closest to death. You have a roof over you head. Cool, nature gives us stuff to make huts with too! You have a family. Not much of a family when they don't know shit about you.

GAME OVER
 
Well Ive been there man, I have endured most of those things as well..that is life, in the end it will only make you stronger...you need to try to see the positive things rather then negative shit..
I was like that too, but now I just seem to enjoy life more. got a job finally after so many years doing nothing..I quit smoking weed after years of smoking..actually weed and shit makes you more depressive..

Just keep going man, you are a man, you can cope with it..buckle up ,it comes from within you, as long as you feel confident about yourself, fuck it what everyone else thinks.

Respect man...we all in deep shit sometimes..
 
Dude.....at least your not being self indulgent in your self loathing, realising your in the shit you can also realise your self out of.........the shit.........yeah, The thing about a family that dont know you and dont care is that they interact on the most basic level, they only give your there most rudimentary responses.

Like GF and shit they dint take the time to get to know them or nothin' and you just want to hit them for not showing your chick some fucking respect, I know I DID not introduce my GF to my family to spare her the crap and shit she would be subjected to!

Is my problem.........but back to you lol........Dont burn the family bridge to soon tho you may need them in the end, but even that has limits..........if they give you crap and and your in a position to Break there balls do SO!

Teach them how to treat you(Thankyou DR. Phil) IDK howit is in your family but I dont treat my family the way I do my friends..........quite simply because I dont have to and would not have them as my friends outside of the family.

Getting a job is hard these days.........am I right in assuming you aint had a job for 6 years?......thats whats killing you man! Unless your studying, like your are people dont want to waste time on teaching fuckers they experience and competence.......its fucking annoying, I got 2nd job at a factory during the day a couple of days a week.....I enjoy it!

You will get what you need in the end.........just rely onyour own wits and not your faily if they only support you minimally?

The last half of that was pure nonsense lol
 
Well aside from Job opportunities, since I would have to say take what you can get for now until the recession is screwed.

What it all comes down to is you don't have a purpose it seems. You have no drive, and who knows if you are doing well in school or not. You have nothing you are working for and can't identify with folks. All of these are issues inside yourself to be honest. You are the only one who can look at the glass half full/half empty, no one dictates this other than you.

You are pretty depressing to listen to due to you are complaining a bit more, but about legit problems. Yes, your problems aren't as ... harsh as some, no where close really. It might just seem like you are complaining to folks. Though I can understand what you are going through. When you are void of emotion because of the outside factors in your life bringing you down you feel cornered maybe.

I mean do you have anything you want to do in life, that because of the way your life is heading, might never occur? AKA marriage, kids, travel, become a tattoo artist, mountain climb.. Basically do you have dreams.

Don't let the job situation bring you down, there are soooooooo many people in the same boat as you. Your parents are going to have a hold on you until you are able to move out. So I suggest you give it to your dad straight up, as in talk to him and don't be afraid to disagree.

Drugs will make you a waste of space in the future. You might think they have no hold on you, but the psychological and chemical imbalances that occur that you aren't aware of can be disabling in the future. I've seen some real permafried folks in life, and they just don't realize it. Rolling, Tripping, whatever else you do on the side, it'll all catch up, which I think it sounds like it is doing. To say you aren't addicted, means nothing to me.

Anyways, hope to see you on the upper one day, but if not.. good luck.
 
Shu said:
...Your parents are going to have a hold on you until you are able to move out. So I suggest you give it to your dad straight up, as in talk to him and don't be afraid to disagree...
Click to expand...

Ehh, I'm inclined to say this isn't true, especially if they know your number and know where you live (that is, if you manage to move out). I live alone and I'm constant bugged by my mother either with a phone call or her asking me to do something and I'll be 25 years old soon. There's still stuff I get bitched at for, though I try not to take it personally.
 
Dee said:
Ehh, I'm inclined to say this isn't true, especially if they know your number and know where you live (that is, if you manage to move out). I live alone and I'm constant bugged by my mother either with a phone call or her asking me to do something and I'll be 25 years old soon. There's still stuff I get bitched at for, though I try not to take it personally.
Click to expand...

All depends how much you let them control you in that aspect. I mean my family, love my folks but, damn I know when to say.. "hey hey.. chill.. I need to be left alone to think" I grew up being lied to as a form of shelter. It even piered it's ugly head through me in my marriage already, and I have certainly stopped. As in lies like.. "oh go ahead and spend whatever.." Sometimes it's just the form of security that helps, but false security is never good security. So I learned to slap myself when it comes to these things.

Parenting should never be about manipulating it should be about wanting what's right for your kid. So yea.. back to the poster.

If your folks are always giving you crap, you have to know how to talk on their level. Not in a way to get your thrown out, but a way that makes them understand you a little better. Trust me, growing up in a family where I'm the only declared non christian in a huge family.. I'm never quite 100% accepted in some respects. Oh well though..
 
In that case, I wouldn't give them my number or my address if I wanted to be left alone that badly. But some parents just don't know when to stop, and no matter how much you ask them to back off, you'll always be their baby who they still have a hard time realizing has really grown up. I hope that's not the case here as family can cause so much stress.
 
http://www.darkroastedblend.com/2007/06/how-to-become-real-cyborg.html

I found this interesting and very helpful. It refers back to the whole androgyn thing. Maybe not so much like this, but more GITS style would be nice.

Back to topic.

It's not so much they give me a hard time constantly, hell my moms can understand where i'm coming from. But it's more or less my dads gets mad at me fro stuff i didn't do. Ex: not even half an hr ago he couldn't find his Itouch. Who does he ask where it is? Me. I don't know where it went, hell i had my itouch stolen so i know how it'd feel to lost one, which is why i don't touch his. I don't touch it i can't lose it. Yet he still thinks i'm the one who always steals crap and takes shit without permission. so it's more of a him being an ass and not trusting me thing i guess.
 
Alright, so I read your entire post (but I didn't get a chance to make it through everyone else's only because I didn't get the time, so I apologize if my ideas have already been mentioned). Anyways, I think I've felt close to how you're feeling now and I may have some tips. It sounds like you're feeling really isolated from the world. That can happen, especially in college. The key is to find people who like what you like. This forum is a great start. YOU like final fantasy. So you find other people who like final fantasy. Do that in real life too. There were gaming clubs at the university I went to, and I actually met a lot of cool nerds lol. The other way to get rid of those feelings of isolation is to refocus on your family. If you go away for college, you can't really blame your parents for not knowing/remembering who you are/have become. But you can spend time with them. You can always make new friends but your family is ingrained into who you are. Family is really important to me, and I know you can find comfort and love with yours as well. It sounds like they mean well for you. They care enough to be part of your life. Focus on that. As far as the employment situation goes, that can be a great way to meet people and make new relationships. It sucks that the market is real bad right now, but keep your chin up. You'll find a job eventually, by sheer volume of applications. Keep sending out new applications, you'll hear back from someone eventually. Last thing, listen to some music. Music helps you focus. Helps you ignore problems and give a rhythm to your life. Right now, I'm listening to Florence and the Machine (no judging!). Try some of that, if you're into that type of music. Oh and nothing's wrong with weed. If it helps you relax, then great. Go for it. Especially because it doesn't sound like you do it often. But more because from the way you've written, it sounds like you may have some anxiety problems, self definition problems, and maybe some stress issues? Weed can be a totally valid coping mechanism to well...even you out from time to time. Last thing (I promise) watch this video. I think it'll help you identify with how you feel. http://www.vimeo.com/9526797
 
M1ghty Mous3 said:
It's not so much they give me a hard time constantly, hell my moms can understand where i'm coming from. But it's more or less my dads gets mad at me fro stuff i didn't do. Ex: not even half an hr ago he couldn't find his Itouch. Who does he ask where it is? Me. I don't know where it went, hell i had my itouch stolen so i know how it'd feel to lost one, which is why i don't touch his. I don't touch it i can't lose it. Yet he still thinks i'm the one who always steals crap and takes shit without permission. so it's more of a him being an ass and not trusting me thing i guess.
Click to expand...

I can relate to that, although I was much younger when it was happening to me, and it was maybe just a bit worse, because sometimes it was stuff that he did and he knew it. Like putting something in his pocket, and then yelling at me to fine it or get out when I was 12. But he had issues at that time....

Anyway, the major thing is to just to remember that it ISN'T your fault whatever anyone tells you. You have to know that it's not your fault. Screw what he thinks, you don't have to accept that. Getting angry with him is unlikely to solve anything, because obviously if he gets mad at you for nothing, he has an issue. I would say that his reaction is more about something to do with him then with you at all.

I speak from experience on these part, but maybe worse experience just because my family is wrapped up in mental problems like depression and such. I don't know about yours.

Drugs are bad. That's all I'll say about that. You don't want advice on that.

I agree with the others that you need to find a purpose. Find something, anything that you can do. Write your thoughts down and address them. If you like music, why not try to write a song? It doesn't have to be good, but even things that seem stupid like that can actually be a helpful harmless way to let your emotions out.

Anyway, I hope that helps in some way.

EDIT: I was reading some of my first posts here because I'm celebrating being here for a year, and I noticed that one of my first posts was a comment on one of your poems. Isn't that odd?
 
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