Serious Culture Clash

[Mitsuki]

This is going to be a long one, so bear with me.

Have you ever been in a position in which you've personally experienced a culture clash with someone, whether it be a member of the family, friends, classmates, etc. Did it frustrate you in any way?

I'm currently going through this at my own home, now that my mom has finally arrived from the Philippines over a month ago. Funny thing is, I'm familiar with the culture since I grew up with it, but my mindset is a lot different than my family. Although I grew up with my dad lecturing me that women belonged in the kitchen and as part of the culture, it was my duty to be the obedient daughter or hell will beak loose in the household, I've always been somewhat of a rebel about it. But let's not even go there.

So when my mom arrived, I knew she was going to have a hard time adjusting to the U.S. The climate, the way of living, the food, the people, everything. But never did I expect that I will also have a difficult time adjusting with her living with me. Quite frankly, I'm not used to having someone driving me crazy 24/7.

The day that she arrived, I pulled out an interesting object out of her boxes. "Hmm, what's this?" I asked her. It was a washing board so that she could do her laundry, she explained. "But we all do laundry using a washing machine here..." Not her. Apparently it's not good enough, so she has to wash her clothes by hand. A few weeks later, my husband and I did our laundry, and we were about to put away our clothes when my mom bursts in our room and exclaimed, "What?! You're done already! That was quick! Let me see if it did a good job cleaning the clothes." To my horror, she automatically pulled out one piece of clothing, which happened to be my husband's boxer...and sniffed it - right in front of him!!! I mean wtf, who does that?! I won't elaborate on this too much, but that was one weird day for all of us, though my husband wasn't that bothered by it since the boxer was clean at least.

Moving on...the one thing that extremely irritates me is that she's meddling with my marriage. She doesn't like it that my husband and I are equal in a lot of things, and she will try very hard to put him in a high pedestal and then look at me with a "Stay" command look at the very bottom. In the morning she gives me this bullshit comment, "You need to make your husband coffee or else he will leave you!" At first I took it as a joke and just laughed it off, but it was getting to the point that she wants me to do every single thing for him. If he's about to get up from the table to get a glass of water, I need to get up first and say, "Dear sweet husband, let me get it for you because I'm such a doting wife and this is my responsibility that I must embrace!" ... Yeah, right.

Naturally, my husband also don't like this whole setup and my mom's mindset, though he adores her completely. I do too, but I'm not taking that bullshit. She's so afraid that my husband would leave me for someone else if I don't do the things she say, and when I realized she was completely seriously, naturally I got pissed off. I don't mind taking advices, but to really force it upon me is something else. In fact, I couldn't believe I was having that sort of discussion with my mom in the first place. But I also understand that all her life, she was exposed to that sort of...'unfaithful' way of life, I guess. So while trying to have that 'respect' still in tact, I will also argue with her and explain that here in the U.S, the women are seen as independent and that not all men are assholes. But she doesn't understand this - she still insist that I am to assume the role of a 'servant' and ranted to my aunts that I have changed a lot, that I'm quite disrespectful due to the fact that I will counter-argue her advices.

It's extremely sad that her mindset is the way that it is. A lot of the times I find myself being angry at her, but then I stop and think...it's not her fault. She wants what's best for me, but the problem is, her motherly ways does not work in this current way of living.

Another instance...the way she um...dotes on me, as if I'm still her little baby...really embarrasses me. I'll be resting on my bed, with my husband on the bed as well, reading a book...and my mom will barge in without knocking and start to hug me and kiss me all over. It's like...okay mom, I love you too, but you don't have to show it to me physically like how it was back then when I was five years old, so please stop! >.> In mean c'mon, in front of my husband and daughter! Awkward! And then she'll stop and give me a weird look, looking butt-hurt or something. One time we had lunch with my friends. I was standing outside in the restaurant having a casual conversation with them when my mom comes right beside me and pulls me into a bear hug and starts cuddling me. I can't believe her! I tell her to stop it so many times but she doesn't listen. She does it a lot when we're out in public and my husband thinks it's hilarious, but I freakin' hate it.

Today was our 5 year anniversary and my husband and I had planned on having a nice breakfast at Denny's while our daughter was at school. Unfortunately, things didn't go the way we planned. Basically, my mom invited herself and wanted to go with us to eat out as well, along with our daughter. I was very frustrated but since she was so excited to go out, I said okay, she could come...although I wasn't too happy about it. Then I told her it was our 'little date' and we wanted time with each other...alone...but she looked at me in disbelief, and said, "A date? You guys are already married and started a family, and you still think about dates?!" Fuck's sake, that ruined my mood and so I finally announced that we weren't going out anymore.

So now here I am typing this up, with a bowl of ice cream and a Kit Kat bar wrapper on the side.

 

[Espurr]

Sounds like a fun little life you're living.

Considering it's your mother it makes the situation harder. I know you just want to say "Stay out of my buisness and leave me alone" but you can't exactly say that and it can be hard for people who grew up a certain way and adapted to a certain way to be changed so she can be pretty stubborn. Speaking to her in a polite tone may not help depending on stubborn but I think you would have a better chance at getting it through to her if you get someone to help you persuade here.

 

[Ayen]

Oh wow. The whole smelling your husband boxers is something I'd only expect to see in a sitcom on CBS or something.

I never had this problem really and wouldn't know what to do if I ever did. You can't just tell them what they believe is wrong because that kind of a thing is subjective and down to culture. Though if they couldn't at least accept that around here things are done differently and respect that I'd be frustrated too to say the least. As for the hugging, eeh my mom still does that and we're both American... It doesn't bother me because she has the common sense to only do that in private.

Though I can't say 100% with all honestly that I'd be any different if the roles were reverse...

 

[Demon]

Maybe you should cash in on the story for a comedy show?

But yeah, this kind of stuff happens I guess. Most of us probably aren't brave enough to talk about the oddball situations in life.

Though I can't say 100% with all honestly that I'd be any different if the roles were reverse...

That made me chuckle.

 

[Mitsuki]

Exactly, Vircon. Deep down I want to tell her straight off, "Stay away from my personal business, please" but I can't really do that without making her feel like she's unwanted in my place. That's the last thing I want to do. I can tell she's really homesick and lonely, and I'm trying to be patient but I find myself about ready to snap, though I still manage to hold it in.

You can't just tell them what they believe is wrong because that kind of a thing is subjective and down to culture. Though if they couldn't at least accept that around here things are done differently and respect that I'd be frustrated too to say the least.

Pretty much exactly how my husband said it as well. But since I understand her situation, she needs to look outside of the box as well and try to understand my reasoning as well, not just say, "I'm your mother, I know this more than you do, therefore I am right." It's a huge turnoff and I'm sure she knows how frustrating it is for me, but it doesn't seem to phase her.

As for the hugging, eeh my mom still does that and we're both American... It doesn't bother me because she has the common sense to only do that in private.

It's different how she does it though. >.< There's "hugging" and there's...too-much-hugging-and-sniffing-kisses and touching me all over the place all at the same time. I don't know where the hell she got this sniffing thing from but she needs to knock it off, sheesh. I know I smell THAT good but c'mon. No but in all seriousness, if one would witness that, they would think something is wrong with our family. xD But it's also very normal in that culture...

 

[Warbsywoo]

Saaame. My mom does that weird hugging (albeit sans the sniffing) thing during the most unexpected times. Like I'll be standing in front of the fridge or something then she'll pop out of nowhere and hug me. I try to shrug her off but her grip is too good.

She's laughed during my haircuts too when she thinks I'm getting a horrible one and I'm just like.... Please. Gowai.

I guess it's because, like your mom, she's been living in a totally different culture for way too long that she's finding it very difficult to adapt to a different mindset. She's having trouble figuring out things like the internet or the concept of advanced technologies like...dryers or parking meters.

 

[Channizard]

Hrm.. You yourself are 23? So your mother must be in her forties at least, possible fifties? You know up to a certain point, it can only be so much of a culture shock. I think it's just as much an ageism shock as it is culture. Our parents grew up in an entirely different generation than we did. They were raised with massively different fundamentals than we were... throw it in a different country/continent, and well, it's twice as bad!

Back in those days, the wife was the woman of the house, doting on her husbands, fetching him things and staying home with the kids. Doesn't matter where you are, but back in the 50's-70's, it was like that everywhere.

My own mother is quite similarly old fashioned. She wants me to find a nice husband with a good career, and settle down and be a housewife. I... really have no problem with this. And she also surprise tackle hugs me at awkward moments... but I think it's nice... sometimes. :3

But here's this nice little old lady who's travelled the world to see her daughter in another country and is expecting things to be like home. You know it can't possibly be easy on her having to adapt to a whole new surrounding for a while.. at least she has you to try and fall back on and coddle when she needs comfort from this scary new technological world. Ooooo a magical contraption that cooks bread without you needing to hold it over a fire..

Really, I think you need to cut her some slack. She's probably scared and is heavily relying on you.. and at the same time, you're her little girl and she doesn't want to see you all grown up. She probably just wants to take you back home as a child and live in a time where you washed clothes by hand and churned your own butter.

 

[Bei Bei]

I think that would drive anyone up the wall. Though by now I would have thought she would have adjusted to the culture here by now, but it looks like it's going to take much longer. I know thats not something you want to here but no point in beating around the bush now.

Too bad you can't get your mom really productive in something that it might take her mind off of you for a bit. Your mom seems very old fashioned, typical in Asian culture but it's funny to see how hard it is for people to change.

I know it's as difficult for her too. Everything she knows and believes is different here. Eventually she will adapt to certain things, but not all. Maybe find her some friends that she could hang around with and help influence her with some of our culture. Thats the best idea I can come up with

 

[Valvalis]

Aww Mitsuki Sorry to hear you guys are having problems. I hope you guys can work something out eventually.

I agree with Channy that it's most likely an age thing in addition to a cultural thing, and with Ayen that it can happen a lot in other cultures too. My mom still does that kind of stuff, public or not (well...not the sniffing ), and in front of my husband all the time. I think a lot of times once parents see their kids grow up, they are disappointed that they're not small and as "cuddly" anymore, so they try to seize upon it as much as they can when they have the opportunity. And maybe it might also be that she thinks if she's really friendly and affectionate towards you, you might try to listen to her more, and do things her way :/ (I suspect that my mom may do that sometimes >_>) I mean it is hard to tell without knowing your mom personally, but I don't think she's deliberately trying to be mean or anything

And as far as her needing to be more open-minded, I completely agree :/ However, it's very, very hard to change even young people's minds about things they've believed all their lives, so it's even harder to change older peoples' minds. I don't know whether she'll ever believe you about not needing to be "subordinate" to "keep your husband from leaving you"--if my mom ever catches me "nagging" my husband about something he did wrong, which is really just me explaining to him calmly why something's a problem, she always tells me "Oh, he's going to leave you if you keep doing that" >_> Even though she's A) nagged me a hundredfold all my life, and B) she doesn't hear 99% of the way we interact, or understand that such things are okay with us on either side if it solves problems. So I think it's just a "mom" thing and a lot of times, our mothers will never be 100% satisfied with anything we do because it's not what they would do :/ However, if she sees you guys living together comfortably the way you already are, without her advice, for long enough, then maybe she'll eventually get the idea. I certainly hope she will for the sake of you guys not going completely crazy by her being there

 

[Mitsuki]

Yeah I've been thinking about it for awhile now. For me, I just wanted to see a bit of give and take from both sides. I have been trying to be accomodating towards her needs and be more patient, but I also want her to realize she's not making it easy for me by acting the way she does and making such comments that is technically quite insulting towards me and my husband. Every time she talks to me, it's always about how she's not happy about certain things or how a lot of things irritate her about this country, the food, my cat (poor Tidus ), and okay, I understand. A lot about this country irritates a lot of us, and as for being homesick, I've been through that when I was a kid, so I can only imagine what it's like for her. I guess the problem also lies with me...I'm not used to having a mom beside me - or a dad for that matter, since he's been a truck driver and left us alone with our stepmom since I was a kid. So having someone dote on me like a child after all these years when I don't really need it now...is a bit...unnecessary, I suppose. And I can't really shake that feeling away try as I might - I just grew up with no parental guidance, whatsoever, so in my mind, I'm independent in that sort of fashion. I just wish she would do it in a more...subtle way that's not overly so overwhelming. But it's all good, we'll learn to abide with each other's attitude some way or another.