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Yes... ARGORphobia, not Agoraphobia. Though my lifestyle isn't so much different to what it probably would be if I was Agoraphobic. 
I APOLOGISE FOR THIS THREAD - JUST NEEDED TO GET IT BEHIND ME.
Ok, this is just my attempt to let off some steam. Let it all out... As Master Vivi has been strongly encouraging me to do so! You don't have to read it, feel sorry for me, but by all means give me a hug if you feel like it. If you hate me by the end of it, then so be it, I don't care anymore.
Just wanted to write everything on my mind up and get it behind me before Christmas kicks off, so I can enjoy my Christmas break without having this to look at.
Meh, I suck, I've wrote a boring amount already.
Ok, I'm in a bit of a pickle write now. I've hit the realisation that I'm a tad screwed with my life, and feel exhausted and weak against it. Most of it may just be my own head working against me, and something perhaps I need to get checked out, or sort out myself... So I just need to let it out.
I've had a rather worrying issue with friends recently. Over the summer one of them was revealed as a complete cheating lying git and had cheated on his uni course, got caught, is now back a year. He lost a lot of friends in the process. I remained his friend however, and tried to help him through it. He was obviously going very insane and wasn't thinking straight, and so I spent a lot of time talking to him to get him back on the right tracks with his life. A week later he takes an msn comment the wrong way, goes crazy and blocks me. That was a bit of a knife in the back... Anyway that was ages ago, he's my friend again now, but the issue is some of my other friends (one in particular) are being really unpleasant about him.. and I really don't like being in the middle to be made out that I have to choose one or the other. I take friends when I get them, as I don't make them very easily. Seeing my main/ only group of friends crumble like this has made me feel very vunverable as a person...
It has also made me realise how without them, I'd practically have no-one. Since the group has started to disband I've gone out NO-WHERE... Practically... Not socially I mean. They were my only "friends" in real life. They've been coming to me less and less recently and now things are really starting to suck.
On top of that most of my online friends I have known for years have dissapeared too... No longer come online, and don't talk when they do. But online friends for me, thanks to this forum, is on the rise a bit again, as I've met some great people on here.
But this brings me to my first feeling of inadequacy... I don't make friends often. Since High School this became the norm for me. I didn't really have friends in High School, and was always a mystery to everybody. By Sixth Form, meeting my friends, thinks were on the up. I was going out for the first time in my life with people (real people, folks!). But now that I've hit Uni, everything has gone to hell again. I'm thrown back among the sharks....
It's not that I don't want to talk to people, I just can't explain it very well.. My mind, in the presence of others, goes blank. Anything I would be able to think of to say while I'm at home dissapears. I just don't know what to say, I can't say it, and can never bring myself to say it. When I leave my door, in essence, I become brain dead. Unless with certain people (ala friends).
So... This sort of sucks... Makes me unable to make new friends!
Currently finding it hard at Uni as I have to sort of go away in Easter with some people on a 2 week study tour... And I suck, because I just cannot talk to these guys! I wan't to.. I wan't to have their abilities, but I just don't! This is sending me insane more than anything as I have convinced myself, for soem crazy reason, that I am going to die in Easter... As I cannot concieve the possibility that everything will run smoothly in Greece, and that they won't be able to resist the temptation to start a bit of bullying.
I get the feeling that they've already started viewing me as the one losing his mind... and this sort of turns me even more insane. They try to include me, I think... But at the same time, sort of fight back the laughter? They asked me something once, I said what I thought (but all shy and nervous it came out all jumbled) and then the girl on the table who was there for some reason began laughing (she had to pretend to need the toilet to cover it up, terrible attempt), and I could see some of the people from my study tour look at her and letting out very knowing smiles and laughs at her (as if to say, "yeah we know. He's a nutter")...
So... Other than having the lecturer pull my aside once for a lecture I did that I mumbled so much in no-one could hear me, that sums up whats wrong with Uni and me... Oh and being off-campus doesn't help... But I'd die if I was on campus!
Thats the main things... Lack of friends, uni and social life right now...
Other things all contribute but this thread is long as it is so I'll be brief...
I feel very inadequate in everything right now... I see everybody else, when I look around when out, walking about, enjoying their lives, talking confidently, sure of themselves etc. I envy them greatly. I want to have their abilities. I don't however, want to be them. I'm happy that I am me, I think I'm ok once I let my barrier down to people (break it down more like) and I like being who I am... I just want to have the abilities other people have like this, something I've either never been taught, or something I've blocked out.
My mind is quite often blank in public (yeah, I can tell this, as I've yet to have stable employment, everywhere I go for part-time either doesn't like my interview, or fires me within a month due to me being a bit crap at the job). It's not so much laziness, as I'd sometimes sit for hours doing something, but find that I probably could have done the same amount within 15 mins if I was a normal person. I get that feeling sometimes anyway, not sure if it is true or not. But I know for sure: I am a slow reader (I mean, uber-slow), I am a slow gamer sometimes, I'm slow at everything now... It just takes so freaking long to fit anything in. This brings me on to sort of almost obsessive compulsive elements in me.. I end up reading the same sentence again and again and again, when normal people would just, you know, read.
I've been a fool to let myself get caught in a loop like this. But when I think back, I've always been caught in rituals. Counting rituals, ticks, looking at light reflections and finding it hard to keep away... That sort of thing. So it's not really new... I'm just realising that it is potentially a problem.
Basically... Yeah I may, for the most part, be physically healthy, have a loving family and home and not be hard hit in other areas, but that doesn't count for anything when your own mind is tortured. When you can't think straight, the world is spinning fast, your'e losing control, Ahhhh!!!! That sort of thing.
So... There goes, I've written it all up. Now I can go and enjoy my Christmas without this on my mind.

I APOLOGISE FOR THIS THREAD - JUST NEEDED TO GET IT BEHIND ME.
Ok, this is just my attempt to let off some steam. Let it all out... As Master Vivi has been strongly encouraging me to do so! You don't have to read it, feel sorry for me, but by all means give me a hug if you feel like it. If you hate me by the end of it, then so be it, I don't care anymore.

Meh, I suck, I've wrote a boring amount already.
Ok, I'm in a bit of a pickle write now. I've hit the realisation that I'm a tad screwed with my life, and feel exhausted and weak against it. Most of it may just be my own head working against me, and something perhaps I need to get checked out, or sort out myself... So I just need to let it out.
I've had a rather worrying issue with friends recently. Over the summer one of them was revealed as a complete cheating lying git and had cheated on his uni course, got caught, is now back a year. He lost a lot of friends in the process. I remained his friend however, and tried to help him through it. He was obviously going very insane and wasn't thinking straight, and so I spent a lot of time talking to him to get him back on the right tracks with his life. A week later he takes an msn comment the wrong way, goes crazy and blocks me. That was a bit of a knife in the back... Anyway that was ages ago, he's my friend again now, but the issue is some of my other friends (one in particular) are being really unpleasant about him.. and I really don't like being in the middle to be made out that I have to choose one or the other. I take friends when I get them, as I don't make them very easily. Seeing my main/ only group of friends crumble like this has made me feel very vunverable as a person...
It has also made me realise how without them, I'd practically have no-one. Since the group has started to disband I've gone out NO-WHERE... Practically... Not socially I mean. They were my only "friends" in real life. They've been coming to me less and less recently and now things are really starting to suck.
On top of that most of my online friends I have known for years have dissapeared too... No longer come online, and don't talk when they do. But online friends for me, thanks to this forum, is on the rise a bit again, as I've met some great people on here.
But this brings me to my first feeling of inadequacy... I don't make friends often. Since High School this became the norm for me. I didn't really have friends in High School, and was always a mystery to everybody. By Sixth Form, meeting my friends, thinks were on the up. I was going out for the first time in my life with people (real people, folks!). But now that I've hit Uni, everything has gone to hell again. I'm thrown back among the sharks....
It's not that I don't want to talk to people, I just can't explain it very well.. My mind, in the presence of others, goes blank. Anything I would be able to think of to say while I'm at home dissapears. I just don't know what to say, I can't say it, and can never bring myself to say it. When I leave my door, in essence, I become brain dead. Unless with certain people (ala friends).
So... This sort of sucks... Makes me unable to make new friends!
Currently finding it hard at Uni as I have to sort of go away in Easter with some people on a 2 week study tour... And I suck, because I just cannot talk to these guys! I wan't to.. I wan't to have their abilities, but I just don't! This is sending me insane more than anything as I have convinced myself, for soem crazy reason, that I am going to die in Easter... As I cannot concieve the possibility that everything will run smoothly in Greece, and that they won't be able to resist the temptation to start a bit of bullying.
I get the feeling that they've already started viewing me as the one losing his mind... and this sort of turns me even more insane. They try to include me, I think... But at the same time, sort of fight back the laughter? They asked me something once, I said what I thought (but all shy and nervous it came out all jumbled) and then the girl on the table who was there for some reason began laughing (she had to pretend to need the toilet to cover it up, terrible attempt), and I could see some of the people from my study tour look at her and letting out very knowing smiles and laughs at her (as if to say, "yeah we know. He's a nutter")...
So... Other than having the lecturer pull my aside once for a lecture I did that I mumbled so much in no-one could hear me, that sums up whats wrong with Uni and me... Oh and being off-campus doesn't help... But I'd die if I was on campus!
Thats the main things... Lack of friends, uni and social life right now...
Other things all contribute but this thread is long as it is so I'll be brief...
I feel very inadequate in everything right now... I see everybody else, when I look around when out, walking about, enjoying their lives, talking confidently, sure of themselves etc. I envy them greatly. I want to have their abilities. I don't however, want to be them. I'm happy that I am me, I think I'm ok once I let my barrier down to people (break it down more like) and I like being who I am... I just want to have the abilities other people have like this, something I've either never been taught, or something I've blocked out.
My mind is quite often blank in public (yeah, I can tell this, as I've yet to have stable employment, everywhere I go for part-time either doesn't like my interview, or fires me within a month due to me being a bit crap at the job). It's not so much laziness, as I'd sometimes sit for hours doing something, but find that I probably could have done the same amount within 15 mins if I was a normal person. I get that feeling sometimes anyway, not sure if it is true or not. But I know for sure: I am a slow reader (I mean, uber-slow), I am a slow gamer sometimes, I'm slow at everything now... It just takes so freaking long to fit anything in. This brings me on to sort of almost obsessive compulsive elements in me.. I end up reading the same sentence again and again and again, when normal people would just, you know, read.
I've been a fool to let myself get caught in a loop like this. But when I think back, I've always been caught in rituals. Counting rituals, ticks, looking at light reflections and finding it hard to keep away... That sort of thing. So it's not really new... I'm just realising that it is potentially a problem.
Basically... Yeah I may, for the most part, be physically healthy, have a loving family and home and not be hard hit in other areas, but that doesn't count for anything when your own mind is tortured. When you can't think straight, the world is spinning fast, your'e losing control, Ahhhh!!!! That sort of thing.
So... There goes, I've written it all up. Now I can go and enjoy my Christmas without this on my mind.
