Serious Argorphobia

[Dionysos]

Yes... ARGORphobia, not Agoraphobia. Though my lifestyle isn't so much different to what it probably would be if I was Agoraphobic.

I APOLOGISE FOR THIS THREAD - JUST NEEDED TO GET IT BEHIND ME.

Ok, this is just my attempt to let off some steam. Let it all out... As Master Vivi has been strongly encouraging me to do so! You don't have to read it, feel sorry for me, but by all means give me a hug if you feel like it. If you hate me by the end of it, then so be it, I don't care anymore. Just wanted to write everything on my mind up and get it behind me before Christmas kicks off, so I can enjoy my Christmas break without having this to look at.

Meh, I suck, I've wrote a boring amount already.

Ok, I'm in a bit of a pickle write now. I've hit the realisation that I'm a tad screwed with my life, and feel exhausted and weak against it. Most of it may just be my own head working against me, and something perhaps I need to get checked out, or sort out myself... So I just need to let it out.
I've had a rather worrying issue with friends recently. Over the summer one of them was revealed as a complete cheating lying git and had cheated on his uni course, got caught, is now back a year. He lost a lot of friends in the process. I remained his friend however, and tried to help him through it. He was obviously going very insane and wasn't thinking straight, and so I spent a lot of time talking to him to get him back on the right tracks with his life. A week later he takes an msn comment the wrong way, goes crazy and blocks me. That was a bit of a knife in the back... Anyway that was ages ago, he's my friend again now, but the issue is some of my other friends (one in particular) are being really unpleasant about him.. and I really don't like being in the middle to be made out that I have to choose one or the other. I take friends when I get them, as I don't make them very easily. Seeing my main/ only group of friends crumble like this has made me feel very vunverable as a person...

It has also made me realise how without them, I'd practically have no-one. Since the group has started to disband I've gone out NO-WHERE... Practically... Not socially I mean. They were my only "friends" in real life. They've been coming to me less and less recently and now things are really starting to suck.

On top of that most of my online friends I have known for years have dissapeared too... No longer come online, and don't talk when they do. But online friends for me, thanks to this forum, is on the rise a bit again, as I've met some great people on here.

But this brings me to my first feeling of inadequacy... I don't make friends often. Since High School this became the norm for me. I didn't really have friends in High School, and was always a mystery to everybody. By Sixth Form, meeting my friends, thinks were on the up. I was going out for the first time in my life with people (real people, folks!). But now that I've hit Uni, everything has gone to hell again. I'm thrown back among the sharks....

It's not that I don't want to talk to people, I just can't explain it very well.. My mind, in the presence of others, goes blank. Anything I would be able to think of to say while I'm at home dissapears. I just don't know what to say, I can't say it, and can never bring myself to say it. When I leave my door, in essence, I become brain dead. Unless with certain people (ala friends).
So... This sort of sucks... Makes me unable to make new friends!

Currently finding it hard at Uni as I have to sort of go away in Easter with some people on a 2 week study tour... And I suck, because I just cannot talk to these guys! I wan't to.. I wan't to have their abilities, but I just don't! This is sending me insane more than anything as I have convinced myself, for soem crazy reason, that I am going to die in Easter... As I cannot concieve the possibility that everything will run smoothly in Greece, and that they won't be able to resist the temptation to start a bit of bullying.

I get the feeling that they've already started viewing me as the one losing his mind... and this sort of turns me even more insane. They try to include me, I think... But at the same time, sort of fight back the laughter? They asked me something once, I said what I thought (but all shy and nervous it came out all jumbled) and then the girl on the table who was there for some reason began laughing (she had to pretend to need the toilet to cover it up, terrible attempt), and I could see some of the people from my study tour look at her and letting out very knowing smiles and laughs at her (as if to say, "yeah we know. He's a nutter")...

So... Other than having the lecturer pull my aside once for a lecture I did that I mumbled so much in no-one could hear me, that sums up whats wrong with Uni and me... Oh and being off-campus doesn't help... But I'd die if I was on campus!

Thats the main things... Lack of friends, uni and social life right now...

Other things all contribute but this thread is long as it is so I'll be brief...

I feel very inadequate in everything right now... I see everybody else, when I look around when out, walking about, enjoying their lives, talking confidently, sure of themselves etc. I envy them greatly. I want to have their abilities. I don't however, want to be them. I'm happy that I am me, I think I'm ok once I let my barrier down to people (break it down more like) and I like being who I am... I just want to have the abilities other people have like this, something I've either never been taught, or something I've blocked out.

My mind is quite often blank in public (yeah, I can tell this, as I've yet to have stable employment, everywhere I go for part-time either doesn't like my interview, or fires me within a month due to me being a bit crap at the job). It's not so much laziness, as I'd sometimes sit for hours doing something, but find that I probably could have done the same amount within 15 mins if I was a normal person. I get that feeling sometimes anyway, not sure if it is true or not. But I know for sure: I am a slow reader (I mean, uber-slow), I am a slow gamer sometimes, I'm slow at everything now... It just takes so freaking long to fit anything in. This brings me on to sort of almost obsessive compulsive elements in me.. I end up reading the same sentence again and again and again, when normal people would just, you know, read.

I've been a fool to let myself get caught in a loop like this. But when I think back, I've always been caught in rituals. Counting rituals, ticks, looking at light reflections and finding it hard to keep away... That sort of thing. So it's not really new... I'm just realising that it is potentially a problem.

Basically... Yeah I may, for the most part, be physically healthy, have a loving family and home and not be hard hit in other areas, but that doesn't count for anything when your own mind is tortured. When you can't think straight, the world is spinning fast, your'e losing control, Ahhhh!!!! That sort of thing.


So... There goes, I've written it all up. Now I can go and enjoy my Christmas without this on my mind.

 

[TheMixedHerb]

Well done first of all Argor, you finally did it!
Okay quote time.... (I'm not very good at this stuff but I'll try my best!)

I've had a rather worrying issue with friends recently. Over the summer one of them was revealed as a complete cheating lying git and had cheated on his uni course, got caught, is now back a year. He lost a lot of friends in the process. I remained his friend however, and tried to help him through it. He was obviously going very insane and wasn't thinking straight, and so I spent a lot of time talking to him to get him back on the right tracks with his life. A week later he takes an msn comment the wrong way, goes crazy and blocks me. That was a bit of a knife in the back... Anyway that was ages ago, he's my friend again now, but the issue is some of my other friends (one in particular) are being really unpleasant about him.. and I really don't like being in the middle to be made out that I have to choose one or the other. I take friends when I get them, as I don't make them very easily. Seeing my main/ only group of friends crumble like this has made me feel very vunverable as a person...

I understand what you mean here as a similar thing has happened to me. I think that your friends really need to understand what was going on at that time with your other friend. (Damn I'm bad at this...) What I mean is if they can't understand that he may have a problem or that, such as me and you Argor was going through a rough time. If they aren't mature enough to see that then they have some growing up to do, unlike yourself.
From my experience when my group of friends did disperse they seperated into different 'gangs' of sorts, did this happen to you?

It has also made me realise how without them, I'd practically have no-one. Since the group has started to disband I've gone out NO-WHERE... Practically... Not socially I mean. They were my only "friends" in real life. They've been coming to me less and less recently and now things are really starting to suck.

On top of that most of my online friends I have known for years have dissapeared too... No longer come online, and don't talk when they do. But online friends for me, thanks to this forum, is on the rise a bit again, as I've met some great people on here.

Well, again I know how you feel here I'm a bit of a hermit myself and don't get out much, but I think that within time things should fall into place. Also if your friends have been coming to you less recently perhaps you should have a think of whether or not they really are your friends. I don't mean this in a nasty way God no, I mean that if they don't have the time to see their own friend then they need to sort their priorities out I would say. Also the people you meet online are sure to come and go, but it's not as hard losing someone in 'real life' so to speak isn't it? I would also like to agree with the statement where you said you've met a lot of nice people on here, I agree with that, yourself being such a fine example to me. I mean I only met you by chance on here but we're constantly talking on MSN every night xD (Which also leads me to believe you may be a vampire...)
Joking aside I think that you are just misunderstood as I am, that may be one of the reasons we get along great is that similar things have happened to us in the past therefore affecting our future outlook on life and friends.

But this brings me to my first feeling of inadequacy... I don't make friends often. Since High School this became the norm for me. I didn't really have friends in High School, and was always a mystery to everybody. By Sixth Form, meeting my friends, thinks were on the up. I was going out for the first time in my life with people (real people, folks!). But now that I've hit Uni, everything has gone to hell again. I'm thrown back among the sharks....

It's not that I don't want to talk to people, I just can't explain it very well.. My mind, in the presence of others, goes blank. Anything I would be able to think of to say while I'm at home dissapears. I just don't know what to say, I can't say it, and can never bring myself to say it. When I leave my door, in essence, I become brain dead. Unless with certain people (ala friends).
So... This sort of sucks... Makes me unable to make new friends!

I know EXACTLY what you mean, FINALLY someone with the same thing happened to them. This happened to me, although I'm at College now and not Uni I find it extremely hard making new friends, I normally don't have many friends, and I also get the 'Brain Dead syndrome', it's annoying to say the least I know. My social skills are terrible but if they don't take the time to get to know you and don't start jumping to conclusions about you well then that's their loss as IMO you're a really nice guy.

Currently finding it hard at Uni as I have to sort of go away in Easter with some people on a 2 week study tour... And I suck, because I just cannot talk to these guys! I wan't to.. I wan't to have their abilities, but I just don't! This is sending me insane more than anything as I have convinced myself, for soem crazy reason, that I am going to die in Easter... As I cannot concieve the possibility that everything will run smoothly in Greece, and that they won't be able to resist the temptation to start a bit of bullying.

I get the feeling that they've already started viewing me as the one losing his mind... and this sort of turns me even more insane. They try to include me, I think... But at the same time, sort of fight back the laughter? They asked me something once, I said what I thought (but all shy and nervous it came out all jumbled) and then the girl on the table who was there for some reason began laughing (she had to pretend to need the toilet to cover it up, terrible attempt), and I could see some of the people from my study tour look at her and letting out very knowing smiles and laughs at her (as if to say, "yeah we know. He's a nutter")...

I always get the same feelings when speeches or presentations are involved, I always think that they'll either laugh at me or I'll make a prat of myself. Do you do this too?
At the end of the day though you have to do it so just take a deep breath and shout it all out, it's all you can do. If they don't appreciate the work that you've put in then that's their opinion, but it's not their opinion that counts it's YOURS. Even if you don't do a good job at least you tried, just think about this: all the time they've spent mocking or bullying you they've been wasting the time that you haven't by learning. They'll pay for this in later life when this distracts them from their classwork
and they fail the course. Then you'll be in a much better situatuion than they are, trust me. (I know this as it has happened to someone I know)
Also I always get the whole 'sniggering' thing because they think I'm crazy. How long has it happened to you? In the end however you are your own person and nobody can change that. The only reason that they are laughing is because they're not used to it, but then again if they can't handle that then that's their problem. Just forget about them jerks, they need to get a life of their own and stop prying in others. Be who YOU want to be, not who they want you to be.

So... Other than having the lecturer pull my aside once for a lecture I did that I mumbled so much in no-one could hear me, that sums up whats wrong with Uni and me... Oh and being off-campus doesn't help... But I'd die if I was on campus!

The same thing happened to me recently, the people that are viewing your lecture all must realise that you are nervous, everybody gets nervous, some more than others. Just remember that most of the time they are in the same situation that you are in, it may be hard at first but when you've finished it you'll be pleased with all of the work that you have done. If they can't accept that then tough.

I feel very inadequate in everything right now... I see everybody else, when I look around when out, walking about, enjoying their lives, talking confidently, sure of themselves etc. I envy them greatly. I want to have their abilities. I don't however, want to be them. I'm happy that I am me, I think I'm ok once I let my barrier down to people (break it down more like) and I like being who I am... I just want to have the abilities other people have like this, something I've either never been taught, or something I've blocked out.

Are we related this sounds too familar...
Envying someone for their abilities to be a natural 'people person' is not a bad thing, but sadly these skills cannot be taught and must be learned by yourself. It is hard at first but you must realise when you first meet someone they are in the same boat as you so to speak, they've never met you before and neither you to them. Sure you may botch things up a little but that's what life's all about! Learning from your past mistakes to better your future.

My mind is quite often blank in public (yeah, I can tell this, as I've yet to have stable employment, everywhere I go for part-time either doesn't like my interview, or fires me within a month due to me being a bit crap at the job). It's not so much laziness, as I'd sometimes sit for hours doing something, but find that I probably could have done the same amount within 15 mins if I was a normal person. I get that feeling sometimes anyway, not sure if it is true or not. But I know for sure: I am a slow reader (I mean, uber-slow), I am a slow gamer sometimes, I'm slow at everything now... It just takes so freaking long to fit anything in. This brings me on to sort of almost obsessive compulsive elements in me.. I end up reading the same sentence again and again and again, when normal people would just, you know, read.

Could you get out of my brain please? Seriously we are so alike you would not believe...anyhooo:
I understand about going blank in public I hate talking to new people myself, perhaps with a little more interaction will people will allow you to loosen up a bit, I mean in the end they're only human such as yourself. (I hope) This isn't a bad thing there are a lot of people like you, myself for instance. We just try to interact with people but in the end we can't, therefore, we are mocked. Does this sound about right to you?
The thing about doing things more slowly I have to agree that happens to me too, correct me if I'm wrong but does this happen: You're asked to do some work or something, you get handed a sheet, instructions etc. You try to start your work but you find yourself reading the instructions over and over just trying to understand what exactly what to do. You ask for help, someone explains it to you but you still cannot understand thus it takes you ages to finish it. Like I said correct me if I'm wrong, this is how it happens to me and I was just wondering if it is the same for you.

I've been a fool to let myself get caught in a loop like this. But when I think back, I've always been caught in rituals. Counting rituals, ticks, looking at light reflections and finding it hard to keep away... That sort of thing. So it's not really new... I'm just realising that it is potentially a problem.

Again...I do the same thing, when you start counting for example. 1,2,3...etc for some reason do you still keep counting in your head even after you've finished? Like your subconsciousness is still working even though you don't want it to?

Basically... Yeah I may, for the most part, be physically healthy, have a loving family and home and not be hard hit in other areas, but that doesn't count for anything when your own mind is tortured. When you can't think straight, the world is spinning fast, your'e losing control, Ahhhh!!!! That sort of thing.

Yup, the world is a scary place. and when everything comes crashing down on you at once it's bound to have an impact on you. I recently went through a rough patch as you know, but like you said it's always nice to have somewhere to let it all out. You just have to try and get through these things the best you can and look on the positive side. Most people's worst enemy are themselves, people put themselves down too much. Maybe you're being too harsh on yourself? Perhaps you just need a little 'Argor' time to relax and just basically block out the rest of the world...

Okay, I've tried my best although as useless as my help is and sorry for any spelling mistakes as it is around 2.00am xD
It may take a while to get through this but I'll be with you every step of the way!
After all, you did help me, it would be rude not to return the favour.

 

[looneymoon]

I'm a bit busy, so I'm not going to type out a lengthy reply to such a lengthy post, but I just want to say that I don't think I could have related any more perfectly. I suffer from social anxiety so I have trouble doing anything that has to do with talking or sommunicating with other people. I'm generally OK online or on forums because it isn't face-to-face. I don't handle group situations too well, and I even feel the same way when I'm at parties with only my closest friends. I don't want to go into too many personal details but... yeah, it sucks.

Hang in there Argor, I know whatever feelings you have right now are tough... but you'd be surprised at how many people are going through the exact same thing.

 

[SaShman]

But this brings me to my first feeling of inadequacy... I don't make friends often. Since High School this became the norm for me. I didn't really have friends in High School, and was always a mystery to everybody. By Sixth Form, meeting my friends, thinks were on the up. I was going out for the first time in my life with people (real people, folks!). But now that I've hit Uni, everything has gone to hell again. I'm thrown back among the sharks....

Maybe you should try joining a club. That way you will be surrounded by people with the same interests as you which will provide a good opportunity to make new friends and develop your social skills too. Joining a club instantly gives you a topic for any conversation, so you won't have to worry too much about drawing a blank.

You could try taking up a new hobby and joining a club based around that hobby, this will force you to ask questions and will eventually calm you down in social situations. You've already said that you've made new online friends thanks to FFF, joining clubs in real life works too.

I get the feeling that they've already started viewing me as the one losing his mind... and this sort of turns me even more insane. They try to include me, I think...

Well they have already tried to include you, so it's I think it's fairly assume that they will try again on the trip.

But at the same time, sort of fight back the laughter? They asked me something once, I said what I thought (but all shy and nervous it came out all jumbled) and then the girl on the table who was there for some reason began laughing (she had to pretend to need the toilet to cover it up, terrible attempt), and I could see some of the people from my study tour look at her and letting out very knowing smiles and laughs at her (as if to say, "yeah we know. He's a nutter")...

We all say stupid things when we are nervous. Try to joke about it and make light of the situation, it lightens the mood a ton. It works for me that's for sure.

So... Other than having the lecturer pull my aside once for a lecture I did that I mumbled so much in no-one could hear me, that sums up whats wrong with Uni and me... Oh and being off-campus doesn't help... But I'd die if I was on campus!

Ahh public speaking, believe me your not alone here. As Jerry Seinfeld once said:

"The average person at a funeral would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

One thing which helped me overcome my fear of public speaking in high school was to make my presentations as dramatic and funny as possible. I'm not sure if that would be appropriate in Uni. But my point is that it helps if you present your speeches in a way that is comfortable for you.

you'd be surprised at how many people are going through the exact same thing.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[Valkyrur]

I think your best bet is to involve yourself with a group of people- joining a club. Thats probably the best way to get to know people, and with a similar interest, there's something you can talk about.

Sure, you might not be able to speak well. But relax! Just speak the way you usually do with your previous friends. Even topics you have already discussed before could be brought over! From time to time, you could try making small talk, talking about absolutely random stuff.

Who knows? The person might catch on and continue the conversation!

You could also try asking your parents for advice too. They're probably more experienced in this area, having to know more people and all. After all, whatever job you intend to go to, communication is important, and definitely a tool a person cannot do without. Your parents advice may also be worth something.

Whatever it is though, its a matter of time before you are forced to start talking and all. You could also try inviting your friends out to movies or whatsoever. Its also another good way to get to know them. Once you get your own circle of friends, I think you should be doing a lot better already!

 

[Rukai]

It has also made me realise how without them, I'd practically have no-one. Since the group has started to disband I've gone out NO-WHERE... Practically... Not socially I mean. They were my only "friends" in real life. They've been coming to me less and less recently and now things are really starting to suck.

You depend on your friends too much, not like its a bad thing, but when you lose a friend you get deeply affected with it. My advice to you is too pick your friends carefully and earn their trust, not hang out with some guys because they are popular or cooler than others but rather staying with the ones that are most loyal, friendly and you know that they are there to help when you need them most.

If your having a hard time making friends, Its because you are shy and insecure about yourself, you shoud try to socialize more and gain more trust about yourself. If you haven't get drunk, do it now. Trust me that will boost your morale a lot. XD

On top of that most of my online friends I have known for years have dissapeared too... No longer come online, and don't talk when they do. But online friends for me, thanks to this forum, is on the rise a bit again, as I've met some great people on here.

Well that happens to everyone. I don't believe there is a single person on this forum that talks with every single contact on their contact list, and longtime friends don't usually have a need to talk to prove their your friends, by all means ask them "Why?" if needed.

It's not that I don't want to talk to people, I just can't explain it very well.. My mind, in the presence of others, goes blank. Anything I would be able to think of to say while I'm at home dissapears. I just don't know what to say, I can't say it, and can never bring myself to say it. When I leave my door, in essence, I become brain dead. Unless with certain people (ala friends).
So... This sort of sucks... Makes me unable to make new friends!

Exactly, you won't make much friends if you don't trust yourself. I see you have a very low self-esteem. How about 'you don't give a damn' about what the others think and start to think more positive?

and that they won't be able to resist the temptation to start a bit of bullying.

Yup, you don't talk, you don't have many friends, your not quite popular, they basically pick on you and your usually left out or forgotten--except when it comes to bullying or mocking. If you can demonstrate your not "weak" you will surely pass that phase and nobody will pick on you anymore. But don't think the bad way as smoking, drinking etc.. rather that, simply ignore them at fulliest, that will make them really mad. By all means if the bullying is too repetitive... well maybe teaching a lesson to the 'bigger joker' will do the trick.

 

[Kivist]

After reading through a few of the stuff you had said, I am pretty the exact same way.

On top of that most of my online friends I have known for years have dissapeared too... No longer come online, and don't talk when they do. But online friends for me, thanks to this forum, is on the rise a bit again, as I've met some great people on here.

Same here, I just try not to care about it too much these days because you can't blame people for actually having lives I guess.

But this brings me to my first feeling of inadequacy... I don't make friends often. Since High School this became the norm for me. I didn't really have friends in High School, and was always a mystery to everybody. By Sixth Form, meeting my friends, thinks were on the up. I was going out for the first time in my life with people (real people, folks!). But now that I've hit Uni, everything has gone to hell again. I'm thrown back among the sharks....

Yeah I am pretty much in the same boat as you are with that. I only known one girl since 8th grade and we ended up becoming friends but up until we graduated after high school, we pretty much drifted apart and then later got into a pissing contest through emails about every little thing.

Don't get me wrong, I like meeting new people but I had alot of trust issues in the past to the point where I couldn't trust them anymore and other people I tried to meet... well they were just down right unpleasent, mean-spirited people for no reason whatsoever and it just caused me to be a loner these days.

We all experience these type of issues everyday of our lives because we are human. It's apart of life for people to have make ups and breaks up with one another. I know it can be painful to experience these type of issues everyday and not know how to deal with them but there is nothing wrong with it because it's all a learning process. I can't think of anything else to say so I will leave it to that.

 

[Dionysos]

Thanks guys. I've read your responses and have now written a reply to some questions and stuff. I left it a week as I wanted to enjoy Christmas and try and clear my head (head clearing didn't happen, but still enjoyed the break).

From my experience when my group of friends did disperse they seperated into different 'gangs' of sorts, did this happen to you?

Sort of. It's mainly two people that are causing the most trouble. The one who suffered the bad time (person A), lost his footing, and my other friend (person B) who is now rejecting him entirely. I just don't know where to stand. My troubled friend (A) I will stand by, but he isn't the sort of friend who will stand by me. He's too up himself, he's autistic so for that part he can't help it, but he's just constantly on about his own well being. I feel more like a carer to troubled and insane person when with him than anything.
But then the other one (B) who is rejecting him has had enough of him, he's fed up of all his antics and wants to live his own life. Sad thing is this person is one of the closest people come to being my best friend at the moment, I've learned a lot from him and we have similar interests... But again, I could never communicate my troubles with him. He doesn't want to know...
I think this is part of my trouble... I have this small group of friends, but I don't really get the impression that any of them, really, care about me. And now they're crumbling apart it's just stupid. I don't want to lose friendship with any of them, as they're really all I have.

Also the people you meet online are sure to come and go, but it's not as hard losing someone in 'real life' so to speak isn't it?

Yeah true there. On the whole online people come and go, get a life etc. It's just sad when they're all getting a life and moving on, and you see their development via facebook photos etc, but then you haven't had it yourself.
And theres some really close online friends you've known for years you expect to at least keep some reasonable contact with, but alas it doesn't last forever.

IMO you're a really nice guy.

Thanks. .

I always get the same feelings when speeches or presentations are involved, I always think that they'll either laugh at me or I'll make a prat of myself. Do you do this too?

Yeah. And sometimes when I'm not even thinking "oh crap I'll be a fool" it just happens anyway. Just like that Uni presentation, I was ready for it. I'd done the reading, I'd braced myself for the inevitability, and I was ready... It just fell apart as soon as I left my chair. I don't know why. I mean I've done other presentations at Uni in the past, like last year, in front of the same lecturer and on a similar topic.. But this year it just went to hell. This is why I'm working on sorting myself out, and why I'm at the end of my tether right now because I know it is getting worse, or that I'm going through a bad phase at least.

This is the worst phase I've been through though... Because my eyes have opened and I've realised that I haven't lived. Not really. And frankly I'm not sure if I'm capable of living like normal people do. Because I failed at becoming a confident person during high school it has appeared that I have doomed myself in my adult life.

At the end of the day though you have to do it so just take a deep breath and shout it all out, it's all you can do.

I'm close to doing just that. I'm at the end of myself now... If pushed further I will just scream... At everyone, everything... AHHHH! Fed up everything, to be honest I've come up with the simple conclusion that I'm depressed and crazy and need to sort my head out.

Also I always get the whole 'sniggering' thing because they think I'm crazy. How long has it happened to you?

I get it all the time. People don't know how to take me.. Probably because I don't know what to do to show myself.. I've been called a "broken toy" in the past... by someone making a passing comment. That phrase really hurt and its almost haunted me because, well, its the truth. I don't work. I don't know how to.
But that knowing snigger I saw after I was, rather sensibly saying something normal and work related, I know it was because I was mumbling, or perhaps my lisp came on because I was shy... But that girl laughing, bursting out laughing, and then thinking I was stupid enough to think she was just going to the toilet because she needed to and not to wipe away her tears of laughter... Then the knowing smile of the person in my study group as if saying "yeah I know, he's a twat spaz" or whatever...

Envying someone for their abilities to be a natural 'people person' is not a bad thing, but sadly these skills cannot be taught and must be learned by yourself. It is hard at first but you must realise when you first meet someone they are in the same boat as you so to speak, they've never met you before and neither you to them. Sure you may botch things up a little but that's what life's all about! Learning from your past mistakes to better your future.

Yes that is true. I understand that to everyone meeting a new person all their insecurities come into play, people don't know how to say things to another... I think I just suck generally at maintaining anything. I seem very uncultured, don't know what to say at all. Very boring, and don't know what to talk about.

This isn't a bad thing there are a lot of people like you, myself for instance. We just try to interact with people but in the end we can't, therefore, we are mocked. Does this sound about right to you?

Yeah I guess. I think I need to meet more open minded people, like ourselves, who have been through social crapness like this. Overconfident sure-of-themselves people often don't understand people like us, because they have it so good, and so crap us up. I tend to get on better with older people actually, probably because they have experienced life, are more understanding ans welcoming, and not only interested in their own lives anymore. But that is because I fail to meet many people of my own age who are similar to me.

The thing about doing things more slowly I have to agree that happens to me too, correct me if I'm wrong but does this happen: You're asked to do some work or something, you get handed a sheet, instructions etc. You try to start your work but you find yourself reading the instructions over and over just trying to understand what exactly what to do. You ask for help, someone explains it to you but you still cannot understand thus it takes you ages to finish it. Like I said correct me if I'm wrong, this is how it happens to me and I was just wondering if it is the same for you.

Sort of. With me I end up reading the same passage over and over again a couple of times... And find it hard turning pages. Turning pages is a real chore and I end up reading the last word on the page 20 times to convince myself I have actall read every single word.... Yeah I'm crazy.. And being a Uni student, that is a bit of a problem.

Again...I do the same thing, when you start counting for example. 1,2,3...etc for some reason do you still keep counting in your head even after you've finished? Like your subconsciousness is still working even though you don't want it to?

I don't know what my subconscious is thinking. I don't know whether it would be more sane or even more insane than m consciousness right now. But yeah I think I count-ritual a lot of the time. I find myself going 1,2,3,4,5 etc up to whatever... sometimes just walking places. But that I can live with. It's a qwerk, it's a tick-type thing. But it's not going to affect my life as much.

Maybe you're being too harsh on yourself? Perhaps you just need a little 'Argor' time to relax and just basically block out the rest of the world...

Yeah. I'm convinced that a lot of my problems are myself. It's an internal battle, but I'm losing. I need to sort my head out... Sadly Christmas period is over now and still feel like I did before, so breaks aren't what I need.. Active steps are probably what I need now instead.

Hang in there Argor, I know whatever feelings you have right now are tough... but you'd be surprised at how many people are going through the exact same thing.

Yeah, the responses here have helped me witness that other people aren't doing so well socially as well. My main issue is getting the strength and mind within me to fight it all now. I just feel so weak and tired. I'll hang in here.

Maybe you should try joining a club. That way you will be surrounded by people with the same interests as you which will provide a good opportunity to make new friends and develop your social skills too. Joining a club instantly gives you a topic for any conversation, so you won't have to worry too much about drawing a blank.

You could try taking up a new hobby and joining a club based around that hobby, this will force you to ask questions and will eventually calm you down in social situations. You've already said that you've made new online friends thanks to FFF, joining clubs in real life works too.

Yeah that is true. I just need to know, or look for, where to go for a club. I used to be an athlete, but I gave that up last year as I was getting so slow and so tired, and so unfit I was slowing the whole group down, and preventing them from getting the training they deserved. I don't think I ever truly enjoyed running, I hated competitions and stress they gave me, and my school jumped on me as a champion runner and wanted me to run and win all the races... But I didn't want it like that. Expectations hurt, I had to perform well or dissapoint. I don't want to experience that again.
But I do need a fun hobby, something I can go to wind down and meet some people.

You could also try asking your parents for advice too. They're probably more experienced in this area, having to know more people and all. After all, whatever job you intend to go to, communication is important, and definitely a tool a person cannot do without. Your parents advice may also be worth something.

My parents have no become very aware of the situation. They're actually a little bit too panicked about it. I don't mean to worry them though, but I have nothing to present to them to suggest that I am doing well in life. My Mom is especially worried as I think she knows that the years of me being like I am and not easily meeting and making friends has not ceased, and is now starting to affect me a lot more as I myself see myself as screwed... You can't help yourself if your mind turns against yourself and makes you think irrationally. But at the end of the day, it IS me that has to turn my mind around.

My Mom begged me not to commit suicide a few weeks ago, which upset me a lot, and really brought it home how obvious it is when I'm at home how down I can get some times. I'll not commit suicide btw. While I think about it sometimes, I don't agree with it, it's a weak way out and leaves who you DO leave behind in a right mess, and just is not fair.

I've got at least a few months until the bad time of Easter comes and I have to go Study Touring... If I'm still cracking up by then, I think I'll pull out of Uni. A life without Uni and my dream career prospects is more valuable than no life at all. I can see that now.

But anyway, yeah, they're a tad worried. So much so that they've actually booked me a last resort apointment with the doctors. Not sure what the heck a doctor could do.. They're crap as it is with health related issues, never mind mental and social concerns... But my parents insist that it will help point me in the right direction. They're also researching herbal remedies, which, again, I don't know what good they'll do, but anything is worth a shot.

Exactly, you won't make much friends if you don't trust yourself. I see you have a very low self-esteem. How about 'you don't give a damn' about what the others think and start to think more positive?

That is also true. My main problem at the moment is my own mindset. I just need to slap it into action. Sometimes I pray for my head to get beaten up by a sledgehammer and lose my memory... Then my mind won't ever remember being unsure of itself, unconfident etc, and will live a normal life. Coz at the moment it feels as if I possess a brain I no longer have control over.
But once I get my head clear, know who I am myself, and have the strength to live normal'ish I think I won't give a damn about anything. I've reached the point where I've realised that too many people are just in the world for themselves, so why should I care? Obviously I'd help anybody if they were in need as usual, but I need to think about myself as well.

Pushing it aside for so long has led to this. Me being stuck in a rut, not sure what the heck I am, or what the heck my fate is right now, thinking irrationally, with no-one to speak about it to except a forum I've so rudely screamed my troubles at, lol.

I know it can be painful to experience these type of issues everyday and not know how to deal with them but there is nothing wrong with it because it's all a learning process.

Yeah. Your'e very right there. This is a massive learning curve. I'll try my best to get through it and everything now, its all I can do.
New year... I would rather 2009 be the year I remember as being the year i turned my life around, as opposed to the year I lost my marbles entirely, went over the edge, and ended up in a looney bin.

Thanks for all your posts guys, they have helped. I've realised that, really, it is my own mind working against myself as well. Other issues are spawning insecurities, but I can't face them until I get my mind sorted out.

And yes. I do feel insane. Lost myself entirely. But its easier to fall into insanity than you'd think. A couple of months back I was really, really, confused at the workings of my friend (A). But now I understand it completely. Issue now is just brining myself out of it, as that starts here.



Again. Sorry for the lengthy post. Is more of a medium for me to clear my mind than anything.
Essentially it feels like the demon of life is squeezing my unmentionables, and what you see presented to you in this thread are my screams of pain.