Serious Advice??

[Paddy McGee]

So, I’ve been on this site since last August and I haven’t created a thread since my introduction, so it’s probably time I tried my hand at this. The members on this site are probably some of the most friendly I’ve seen on the net, even though I don’t really know any of you- Those who know of me probably think I’m this RP obsessive. But, that is the reason I’m about to ask this-along with the somewhat anonymous way you can do things like this on the web:
　
Any tips of socialising, in general??

I’m a final year secondary school student (I repeated fifth year due to emotional stress) and honestly, I can’t speak one to one with people. I get nervous and can’t make eye contact with new people. I resent talking about my inner problems, but I’m really reaching a high point of anti-socialism (Not the communist type; 3). I have seriously low self esteem, but I try not to act needy for others. In fact, I’m an asshole. My brothers and sisters are all complete social pros- they can strike up any sort of conversation… I can barely talk to my friends, spare two or three of them.
I think it has something to do with the way I look- I have somewhat of a noticeable scar- and my general stereotyping of people. It’s pretty stupid; I label confident people as cocky when they just have that charismatic persona I wish I had.

What’s even stranger than my bad people skills is the fact I’ve actually had a girlfriend. She’s still a friend, but you can probably piece together how I still feel about her.

Anyway, any advice would be quite appreciated. I know that many members are older than me, and have much more experience with people in general.
Thanks,
Meteora (Adam)

 

[Shu]

I get nervous and can’t make eye contact with new people. I resent talking about my inner problems, but I’m really reaching a high point of anti-socialism (Not the communist type; 3). I have seriously low self esteem

Honesty. I like this, I guess I'll make a post right quick. The hatred of oneself is pretty common if you ask me. There are some things I wish I wasn't an ass about but due to over the years of seeing folks defecate on others, use them, abuse them, and back stab once through. I have my defense mechanisms.

I come off as a sarcastic fellow these days, but I'm a joker at heart. Though let's get to you, since this is about you.

Since I don't know you through and through it's kind of hard to give advice. My best thing is, I would observe people. I'm not talking about be that nutsy type who creeps around, and acts as a stalker.. I'm talking about be more of a listener.

Stop focusing so inwardly on yourself. I think that was my biggest problem with me in highschool. I couldn't get over myself. You also sound like you have bouts of anxiety, as in you can't put your mind appropriately out there to people, and whenever you do, you sound like an uptight asshole. These are only assumptions here.

I'd say it's time for a change. Most people go through the same sequence of life, that they get in a rut and don't understand how to break out of the situation. It's like a coded loop, with out a break; statement. They don't have the direction, and sometimes need a little bump in the right direction.

Now what I meant by listening is.. do something here. Do your best to try to act interested when talking to folks. Don't talk about yourself, unless you are asked, but make an attempt to just be there. Some folks walk around like little balls of hate and act like dicks, because obviously they don't talk about shit. Even as a dude, you can listen to another due bitch, and sometimes that's all it takes for someone to breath a sigh of relief. Some people don't make attempts at talking to other folks, because they feel like it will damage their PR. I find that the best people to talk to are the ones that are the silent type. It's how I met my 3rd girlfriend.

Focusing upon your own problems, is your problem. You can't sit there and think you got it worse than people, because it doesn't sound like you do. It adds to low self worth. You notice the most confident people in the world are those that have a spouse or girl backing them (as a guy, speaking for the heterosexuals). No one likes folks who are always lacking confidence. Even as a friend, I tell someone to get over it and buck up to my fellow bud, when they are talking all this sobbing shit. Relationships with women will come and go. Just don't get stuck in a relationship, you can't get out in my opinion. Some people think they deserve what they get, when obviously they deserve better.

You as well need to surround yourself with folks who are a bit like minded as you as well. Don't sit there and let folks abuse you or your trust. Get some respect, and make sure you do your best to not make it about yourself.

 

[Lirael]

I think the key thing here is small steps - small changes that will gradually make you feel more confident and more able to interact with others.

A lot of people feel nervous when meeting new people, so it may be a good idea to start with your family and friends. Think of ways in which you could develop trust.

Building trust will help you talk about your inner problems, though you should never feel forced to talk about these. You should talk about them if you want to, to people who will understand and behave maturely. There's nothing wrong with being very selective, particularly when these inner problems affect you deeply.

Don't call yourself an 'asshole!' Even if you are judgmental of people, there are very important reasons for it. As you said,

I label confident people as cocky when they just have that charismatic persona I wish I had.

It's very easy to feel jealous when you lack confidence. Others seem to find interacting so easy, which can be extremely difficult to watch.

I can think of two goals for you, the first two small steps:
1. Be more positive about yourself. Write a list of the things you like about yourself - write it HERE if you can - and focus on those.
2. Socialise with people who are positive and seek to develop your trust in them.

P.S. I really wouldn't worry about your scar! Anyone who's unfriendly about it is not worth your time. The people who matter, though, and the people who'll be good friends won't care. They won't notice it. All they'll see is their friend, you, and hopefully how happy he is!


P.P.S. As Shu has said, asking people about their interests is a great way to interact! You show an interest in them and may find you have something awesome in common. Focussing on them may help you feel less in the spotlight and then less self-conscious. They may ask about your interests too, but that'll be a great thing! Then you'll have the chance to consider the things you love in life and can show what you're passionate about.

Think about your passions and, when invited, share them with others.

 

[Richard B Riddick]

So, I’ve been on this site since last August and I haven’t created a thread since my introduction, so it’s probably time I tried my hand at this. The members on this site are probably some of the most friendly I’ve seen on the net, even though I don’t really know any of you- Those who know of me probably think I’m this RP obsessive. But, that is the reason I’m about to ask this-along with the somewhat anonymous way you can do things like this on the web:
　
Any tips of socialising, in general??

You know, I've wondered about this type of thing.

Some things I might have noticed...

Being comfortable Socially awkward people seem to have a habit of sitting or standing in positions that aren't comfortable for them. They slouch, fidget, or arrange themselves in positions that make them feel uncomfortable. A good first step might be to practice & learn how to stand and sit in a way that is comfortable and easy to relax. If you can relax and feel at ease you may well have won half the battle.

Can't think of anything else right now, srry. Maybe, I'll add more, later...

 

[Paddy McGee]

Focusing upon your own problems, is your problem. You can't sit there and think you got it worse than people, because it doesn't sound like you do. It adds to low self worth. You notice the most confident people in the world are those that have a spouse or girl backing them (as a guy, speaking for the heterosexuals). No one likes folks who are always lacking confidence. Even as a friend, I tell someone to get over it and buck up to my fellow bud, when they are talking all this sobbing shit. Relationships with women will come and go. Just don't get stuck in a relationship, you can't get out in my opinion. Some people think they deserve what they get, when obviously they deserve better.

You as well need to surround yourself with folks who are a bit like minded as you as well. Don't sit there and let folks abuse you or your trust. Get some respect, and make sure you do your best to not make it about yourself.

I gotta say, thanks for being honest. If somebody who doesn't really know me can pick up that, then the post must have seemed very conceited. I do tend to this I've got it worse than others, but I really dont. Your advice is definitely appreciated. In future, I'll focus less on inwards and more on outwards.

Thanks, man.

I think the key thing here is small steps - small changes that will gradually make you feel more confident and more able to interact with others.

A lot of people feel nervous when meeting new people, so it may be a good idea to start with your family and friends. Think of ways in which you could develop trust.

Building trust will help you talk about your inner problems, though you should never feel forced to talk about these. You should talk about them if you want to, to people who will understand and behave maturely. There's nothing wrong with being very selective, particularly when these inner problems affect you deeply.

Don't call yourself an 'asshole!' Even if you are judgmental of people, there are very important reasons for it. As you said,
It's very easy to feel jealous when you lack confidence. Others seem to find interacting so easy, which can be extremely difficult to watch.

I can think of two goals for you, the first two small steps:
1. Be more positive about yourself. Write a list of the things you like about yourself - write it HERE if you can - and focus on those.
2. Socialise with people who are positive and seek to develop your trust in them.

P.S. I really wouldn't worry about your scar! Anyone who's unfriendly about it is not worth your time. The people who matter, though, and the people who'll be good friends won't care. They won't notice it. All they'll see is their friend, you, and hopefully how happy he is!


P.P.S. As Shu has said, asking people about their interests is a great way to interact! You show an interest in them and may find you have something awesome in common. Focussing on them may help you feel less in the spotlight and then less self-conscious. They may ask about your interests too, but that'll be a great thing! Then you'll have the chance to consider the things you love in life and can show what you're passionate about.

Think about your passions and, when invited, share them with others.

Thanks for the advice, it is extremely helpful. I'll take it all on board, especially the outward focus on others. It must come across as conceited in my first post.

As for the two goals you listed, I'll definietly take them on board. I dont know about writing them here, but i will take them down. As for socialising, I'll go for more positive people.

You know, I've wondered about this type of thing.

Some things I might have noticed...

Being comfortable Socially awkward people seem to have a habit of sitting or standing in positions that aren't comfortable for them. They slouch, fidget, or arrange themselves in positions that make them feel uncomfortable. A good first step might be to practice & learn how to stand and sit in a way that is comfortable and easy to relax. If you can relax and feel at ease you may well have won half the battle.

Can't think of anything else right now, srry. Maybe, I'll add more, later...

Thanks. I tend to stand very wierdly when on trams, epecially when its jammed with people. As for sitting....:L. I usually try and sit on the outside of rows, so I dont bother people by asking them to adjust so I can get out..

 

[Dionysos]

I can relate to much of what you have said.
You’re very wise in recognising the issue and setting the task of sorting it out now while you are still young. This sort of thing gets worse as you age if not tackled, so it is good to start now.

I’d suggest looking into what might have caused his lack of self-esteem / quietness, etc, and confront it. It seems as if you’re already well ahead with this by your post (e.g how you feel about your scar; comparing yourself to your siblings; observing how natural confident people can be). If there might be anything else deeper in your past (which you can pinpoint as being crucial in developing certain anxieties) then try and tackle them. It isn’t self-absorbing to wrestle with the lions of your past and use this to try and move on. Recognising yourself and why you are who you are can be crucial in working out how to move on. It can be an internal battle and others need not even notice it while the battle is being played out, but you could feel a lot better and gain confidence over time. It’s a process I’ve been working on myself, though I only started to seriously tackle my own stuff in my early twenties.

A few general comments from things that you have said...
Eye contact is a very tricky thing when you are shy, and even some people who are not that shy still have difficulty knowing how to do it properly. You may be unsure how long to look at people, and often struggle meeting eyes in general. This is not uncommon. I’m afraid I still have the issue myself, so advice from me is limited here. Perhaps though, try and look above the person (not too far above!) so that you are still looking in their general direction, and move eyes down if you can. I’m not so sure what that would look like from the eyes of another, but I’ve been told that is a good thing to do. Really though, the eye problem will resolve itself with increased confidence. You might find yourself able to look people you know in the eyes more often, and therefore as you increase confidence and your anxiety towards new people gradually decreases, you’d be able to look more strangers in the eye also.

For your siblings, it is easy to compare and contrast oneself with siblings (and this would go for anybody that you compare yourself with who has more confidence). I myself have done the same with my sister. She is very active in a social sense and was always and is still with the ‘cool girls’, and thus has a very large friendship group. For a while I used to be anxious that I’m doomed to a miserable life because I have few friends. I realised though that not everyone needs to be that socially proficient to have a good life. You might not need (and may find you don’t even want) to be as good in a social sense as some other people appear to be. Your lot in life might be naturally quiet, but you can still make friends and be respected (perhaps even more so) as a quieter individual when you reach a comfortable level with yourself. It takes time to develop, but you might find your abilities for conversation improve over time, but they might take a different form to those to which you compare yourself. You might have different interests than most people like to promote, or you might prefer to not talk about certain subjects that most people do like to talk about. This is fine, and it may be your personality and you may not want to lose that.

I for one would never want to actually be a swaggering brute, waltzing into a bar with two girls in my arms, drinking, burping, telling jokes, playing snooker, running around half-naked, singing, dancing, and leaving the place being carried out of the pub like a king by twenty admirers. Perhaps, despite the confidence of certain people, you would still want to be essentially yourself. You may just want to be an improved and better-functioning version of yourself, with the social aspect improved rather than warped to extreme proportions.

As for the scar, that shouldn’t be an issue. Lots of people have scars. If anything, it could turn out to be a good talking point (if you become comfortable with its presence and are not insulted if people comment on it), and could stimulate people’s interest in you. If anyone does make any negative comment towards you about it then, like Lirael says, do not spend time worrying about their comments. They do not matter to you.

A final piece of advice is to place yourself in new situations from time to time. This is easier said than done, I understand. It does get easier as time goes on if acted upon, but like I said earlier, not acting makes these sort of issues harder to tackle as time goes on.