Poetry A World Without You in it.

Abstract Debauchery

Abstract Debauchery

High Mage of Loathing
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A World Without You in it.


Years of time that you put to waste
My gullibility was a crippling disgrace
To be rid of you was my realization
So I relied on my lying fixation


To be rid of you was my goal
I could care less if it cost me my soul
I have no time for your irrationality
For I prefer my logicality


Your pitiful jealousy and your lying slander
Sad and pathetic as the world takes a gander
Your rage filled cup placed on a table of lies
False persona placed on your throne of flies


Your heart is my instrument, your rage, my tune
The last I hear from you couldn't come too soon
To the loss of you is what was my rhythm
Lost on deaf ears, you just couldn't hear them


My flawed throne of perfection is where I sit
As I dream of a world, without you in it.
 
Ooh this has such a sense of disgust to it, as if the speaker would be spitting out these words to the subject of his/her disdain. If I had to pick out a favorite verse, it'd have to be . . . your third one.

'Your pitiful jealousy and your lying slander
Sad and pathetic as the world takes a gander
Your rage filled cup placed on a table of lies
False persona placed on your throne of flies'

Yup, your third and fourth line in that stanza alone, is a powerful set. Really sets the tone, that this person, this deceitful subject is a walking body of lies. It's very intense and very hate-filled. I love the emotion in it and that's funny, because I normally don't like structured rhyme-schemes, but your poem is an exception. Nicely done.
 
Thank you for the kind words. :D

I wasn't too fond of the first and second stanzas. I could deal with them, but I just wanted something to build up to my 3 and 4th stanzas to finish it off with my last. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :griin:
 
No problem, I think you managed the buildup pretty well. And I actually thought that your first and second stanzas were strong enough to stand on their own.
 
:tehe: I didn't know Ringo's a softie

I like your poem man. I liked the language used and the word "gander" is so fun to use xD random

The only thing that irked me a little was when you rhymed big words with the same ending. It didn't really flow when I was reading it.... Just this part I'm talkin about.

I have no time for your irrationality
For I prefer my logicality

The rest was fine though. I thought this was gonna be a series at first glance...
 
I ain't no softie foo'. :mokken:

I wrote it to vent off some frustration due to my ex continuing to stalk me. She's very irrational, and I prefer logic, so I had to make a reference to that. I didn't like the lines very much, but I left them in there because it matched what I was ranting about. :hmmm:
 
Rincewind said:
A World Without You in it.


Years of time that you put to waste
My gullibility was a crippling disgrace
To be rid of you was my realization
So I relied on my lying fixation


To be rid of you was my goal
I could care less if it cost me my soul
I have no time for your irrationality
For I prefer my logicality


Your pitiful jealousy and your lying slander
Sad and pathetic as the world takes a gander
Your rage filled cup placed on a table of lies
False persona placed on your throne of flies


Your heart is my instrument, your rage, my tune
The last I hear from you couldn't come too soon
To the loss of you is what was my rhythm
Lost on deaf ears, you just couldn't hear them


My flawed throne of perfection is where I sit
As I dream of a world, without you in it.
Click to expand...

I've got to say, you have a nice sense of narration, and conveying emotion. It's obvious that the speaker is mad here, and even though he doesn't sound particularly innocent himself it does sound fairly authentic. You have an expansive vocabulary and a decent control of rhythm. Overall I'd say this is a nice first draft.

As for improvement... rhyming rarely adds anything to poetry these days, and this is an excellent example why. You were clearly trying to morph sentences to fit the rigid sentence structure you're using, and unfortunately it ends up sounding contrived. Take a look at this stanza, for example:

Your heart is my instrument, your rage, my tune
The last I hear from you couldn't come too soon
To the loss of you is what was my rhythm
Lost on deaf ears, you just couldn't hear them

"Your heart is my instrument, your rage, my tune"... okay, this metaphor doesn't make much sense because she's obviously the one doing the "raging" here, not the speaker, but at least it's easy to understand. The second line- "The last I hear from you couldn't come too soon"- not only is broken English but it contradicts the line before it. You just said that this girl's heart was the speaker's instrument- so why is it that he needs to wait to stop hearing it? Couldn't he just stop playing the thing?

The second couplet suffers from the same issue. "To the loss of you is what was my rhythm" is once again something Yoda or a 14th century troubadour would be saying, not in modern English. At least the basic point is clear though- the speaker is totally obsessed with having this girl gone, and that's all he talks about. The last line "Lost on deaf ears, you just couldn't hear them" seems to directly contradict this. You just implied that this breakup is all the speaker talks about, but now you're saying his partner is incapable of hearing him? Does she have earplugs on or something? "Deaf ears" generally refers to comprehension, not actual hearing ability, so I would suggest clarifying this. Also, from your sentence structure, it sounds like "them" in this line refers to "ears", which obviously is incorrect. In my opinion this line was clearly warped to fit the rhyme scheme.

Both of these issues could easily be fixed by writing your ideas down as simplified, coherent sentences first, not thinking about line structure or metaphor at all, and then gradually adding these literary techniques when they are both convenient for the sentence structure and clarify your meaning for the reader.

Finally, it seems like you're repeating exactly the same message in all four stanzas. There doesn't seem to be any coherent order to the lines or any flow between the stanzas at all. I would try to add SOME form of character or plot thread to this so that at least if we rearranged these stanzas into a random order that readers would notice that the poem was modified.
 
You know, after reading that I came to the conclusion that it's just positively wonderful :D. Though the message isn't all that bright, the way you used the words is ^_^. I rather enjoyed that, please write more owo
 
Thanks for the complement, and the tips. I may try to fix it later, but as for now, I'm still kind of half way asleep. :gasp:
 
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