Serious An odd relationship problem

blakstang98

Paladin
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2009
Messages
1,984
Age
42
Location
Warwick, Rhode Island
Gil
50
Ok, so a few weeks ago I signed onto AIM, which I don't do that often anyway. I signed on, but I wasn't talking to anyone, I was watching TV and playing a little guitar. Randomly out of the blue, my ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago IM's me. So I was kind of feeling her out, trying figure out why she would want to talk to me anyways (it didn't end well in the past). Our history wasn't that great, it was in high school, it lasted 6 months and I left her because she was trying to cheat on me. So we talked for a good portion of the night, catching up on current careers, college and general life from the past 8 years. She's definitely a better person now than she was in the past, but I still see some of her personality quirks come roaring back every now and again.

So then I talk to her a week later online and she tells me how much she's been thinking about what we used to have and she was very apologetic of what happened. She tells me she wants to see me, so she comes by my place later in the week and spends the night. I honestly didn't feel comfortable with her because I remember too much of the past and it kind of makes me stressed. We used to fight a lot, so I was constantly prepared for a fight. We didn't fight at all this night, but some things didn't go that well.

Knowing my lack of comfort in the situation, I told her that I thought it wasn't a good idea that we see each other again. After she was flipping out about it, I managed to calm her down and told her I'd think a little more on it. So as the week goes on, I said that I'd give her another chance. She then tells me that she felt a connection with me that night, but I didn't feel anything, just stressed. She also then tells me that she was legally separated. Being one to have had a relationship with a married woman, I had another way out. So I mentioned that I had my heart broken from a married woman who made a promise before and that I didn't want to get myself involved in that situation again. She then thinks that I'm being selfish and using the past that had nothing to do with her against her.

After more talking, she then comes over again, planning to spend the night again. At some point in the night, the topic of discussion comes up again. So I tell her that I still didn't feel anything for her. She claims that this is the first time anyone has rejected her, and she couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with her. I then asked her why she was separated from her husband and she says that she cheated on him. She then goes on to say that all of her relationships have ended because she had an interest in someone else. She then tells me she'll leave me alone for a week to think on it some more.

Ok so my thoughts on this are that it's just a bad idea all the way around. I really don't feel anything for this girl, and even though the chance and time period was minimal, I feel like it's opening a can of worms. For starters, this all happened way too fast for me, and that's not very comfortable for me. I know for a fact that our personalities are pretty conflicting and aren't compatible enough for the long haul. She's not actually divorced yet, and I feel it's a sticky situation for me to get involved with, even if her husband isn't in the picture anymore. The fact that all of her relationships ended because she had an interest in someone else tells me that she's not a stable relationship partner.

What do you all think?
 
I would advise you the best thing to do is tell her exactly everything on your mind dealing with her. its better to be straight forward and nip it in the bud before it proceeds into an avalanche of problems
 
Christ, honestly I would say let her be for now. She's a mess.

I have not been in a situation where I have been with a separated lady, nor will I ever. I don't like to be that guy. I have more respect for myself and for the dude that has been separated to take in a girl who doesn't have her life together.

Honestly she's looking for a bandaid it seems. She might be looking for a quick sex romp, which I would not encourage, because it could bring about her psycho tendencies yo. Sex is an emotional attachment for most men and women, so it might impart ownership if you mess around with her.

That's just me man, I just don't like to deal with drama. I don't like effin with people's relationships, because of harsh experiences in the past with friends and stuff. So you be the judge, because in the end only you can decide.
 
Uhm well you say you feel nothing for her and shes actually told you that shes cheated in every relationship shes ever been, so i would say stay well clear. She doesnt sound like someone you could trust, ud constantly be wondering what shes doing when shes out and that aint fun. Stressing you out by just being around her, thats not good either...best you tell her straight now incase you do end up getting feelings for the girl.
 
Thanks for the advice everyone! Yeah, I pretty much don't want to have a relationship with her, but I figured maybe I'm the one that's wrong in this issue and wanted to know what you all thought. Yeah, I've already told her that I don't think a relationship is a good idea, but she doesn't seem to want to accept that. Either way, I'm trying to resolve this quickly to prevent anyone from getting hurt, even though I think it's going to hurt her on a small level anyway. It's better on a small level than to let it get further. I too believe she's just trying to "fill the void" (or bandaid) so to speak, but I don't want to be the filler.

Maybe I can get an opinion from a female perspective from the ladies of FFF? I know guys will generally feel the same way I do, but I want to see if there is any other thoughts on the matter.
 
You shouldnt worry to much about hurting her, sounds like she almost deserves it after cheating on all her previous partners. I think the girls will agree mostly aswell because from what uv told us she definately doesnt sound like a girl u wanna get involved with.
 
Thanks for the advice everyone! Yeah, I pretty much don't want to have a relationship with her
That says it all really, forget the fact she's currently going through a divorce, all her relationships have ended because she's cheated and that she's pretty much trying to force her way back into your life. At the end of the day, the fact you don't want a relationship is a good enough reason not to have one, there's no chance it'll be a happy relationship if you don't feel anything and therefore, it will most likely end badly. No offence against the woman since I don't know her, but you're best off staying clear of her and living happily.
 
I think the last paragraph kind of sums it up. It sounds to me like you don't want to be with her at all and there's no point in trying at something like that, especially when she sounds kind of unstable too. Don't let her pressure you or make you feel guilty for rejecting her because the way you described her makes her seem kind of pushy, you just have to be the stronger one.

You said yourself that you have conflicting personalities and it wouldn't work out in the long run as well, so really it just seems like there's no point.
 
Yep, I'd say the same as everyone else here. Some people are like magnets for drama. She is probably one of those people. You shouldn't really give in to girls like that. She's quite probably having a big mess of nonstalgia right now. You, on the other hand, have moved on. If I were in your place, I wouldn't be taking a step backwards.
 
Yup, I was thinking it was a bad idea, and the vote is unanimous! It's too funny how you guys describe her too. Pushy? Check. Likes drama? Check. Bandaid? Check. I guess I described her pretty well then because you all caught on. It's done then, nothing more will come from it. Thanks a lot everyone, you all rock!
 
Honestly, I see her "using" you because she doesn't have anyone else. She cut communication with you for 8 years was it? And now she's back? She's desperate for some sort of attention and she'll always be seeking that attention from another man.

Get rid of her, I wouldn't waste another breath on her. And she sounds unstable if she is just rushing back into your life saying she felt a connection by sitting next to you for a night. And by unstable, I mean nuts. :awesome:
 
I feel like she is using me, and that's one of the many reasons I don't want to be involved. It happened really fast too, it's like I talked to her 1 time then she wanted to talk everyday, and that was annoying and uncomfortable to me. Because there's history, I really wanted to tip-toe if anything, but that fact that she seems needy is a big red flag to me. And that night we were together, she hadn't yet told me she was separated, which tells me she was just trying to get her way. She said too that she doesn't like to be alone, another red flag.

I told her I don't want a relationship, but she still wants to be friends, but that's definitely another way to try to get with me, so I'm gonna have to stop that as well. Thanks for the good word EV!
 
I feel like she is using me, and that's one of the many reasons I don't want to be involved. It happened really fast too, it's like I talked to her 1 time then she wanted to talk everyday, and that was annoying and uncomfortable to me. Because there's history, I really wanted to tip-toe if anything, but that fact that she seems needy is a big red flag to me. And that night we were together, she hadn't yet told me she was separated, which tells me she was just trying to get her way. She said too that she doesn't like to be alone, another red flag.

I told her I don't want a relationship, but she still wants to be friends, but that's definitely another way to try to get with me, so I'm gonna have to stop that as well. Thanks for the good word EV!

You're welcome. =) I really am curious to see how this all works out. I hope you'll give us an update on the turn of events! Good luck to you, and don't give in, when you make up your mind it's made up. x3 I know some girls are difficult to deal with and cling... just be consistent with your stance on the issue and she'll eventually go away.
 
Ok EV, an update just for you! I haven't heard from her since Sunday, so maybe she got the picture. Since I've started talking to her again, this is the longest I've not heard from her. I'm pretty sure if I sign onto AIM, she'll be there waiting. But yeah, my minds made up, I'm not gonna see her again. She's accepted the fact that I don't want a relationship with her but says she still wants to be friends. I think that's still opening a can of worms, so I'm gonna refuse that as well if I talk to her again.

Thanks again for the help and the good word EV!
 
I may sound mean but isn't it:

"Once a cheater,always a cheater?"
I think this line suits her from what you said in your post.Of course I may be wrong but anyway...
Since you don't feel anything for her then you should tell her that,cause she has the wrong idea as it seems.I dunno but she sounded kinda arrogant(how to say it) when she said that you're the only one who rejected it and she doesn't seem to be a person who has decided to settle down yet.
So go ahead and make yourself clear before she misunderstands anything and you get in a tricky position.
 
Here's what i think you should do:

if you really don't love her, be straight and honest with her and say something like, 'I'm really sorry, but i don't think things are working out between us. maybe we can still be friends and stay in touch.' Honesty is the best policy. If that doesn't work, break up anyform of contact immediately.

btw, I AM a girl.
 
Last edited:
Ok EV, an update just for you! I haven't heard from her since Sunday, so maybe she got the picture. Since I've started talking to her again, this is the longest I've not heard from her. I'm pretty sure if I sign onto AIM, she'll be there waiting. But yeah, my minds made up, I'm not gonna see her again. She's accepted the fact that I don't want a relationship with her but says she still wants to be friends. I think that's still opening a can of worms, so I'm gonna refuse that as well if I talk to her again.

Thanks again for the help and the good word EV!

I appreciate the update Stang! Be strong! Don't let her break the line of defense! XD You can even just block her on AIM so you don't need to worry about her anymore. =P Now you just need to find a nice (sane) girl that will care (and not be crazy) about you. =) Good luck soldier! :awesome:
 
I may sound mean but isn't it:

"Once a cheater,always a cheater?"
I think this line suits her from what you said in your post.Of course I may be wrong but anyway...
Since you don't feel anything for her then you should tell her that,cause she has the wrong idea as it seems.I dunno but she sounded kinda arrogant(how to say it) when she said that you're the only one who rejected it and she doesn't seem to be a person who has decided to settle down yet.
So go ahead and make yourself clear before she misunderstands anything and you get in a tricky position.
It's not mean at all, I totally agree with it. I know she would lose interest eventually which would lead to her cheating on me. I'm not looking to get involved in a high school relationship again, I'm too old for that, I want something that stands a chance in the long run.

Here's what i think you should do:

if you really don't love her, be straight and honest with her and say something like, 'I'm really sorry, but i don't think things are working out between us. maybe we can still be friends and stay in touch.' Honesty is the best policy. If that doesn't work, break up anyform of contact immediately.

btw, I AM a girl.
Haha, I know you're a girl Sabriel, from the female symbol. This is my idea, I don't want to just flat out ignore her or be an asshole to her. It ended badly in the past and I just want to close the door on that and move on without it being as bad as it was before. If she still wants to chat online or whatever, that's fine, but no more than that.

I appreciate the update Stang! Be strong! Don't let her break the line of defense! XD You can even just block her on AIM so you don't need to worry about her anymore. =P Now you just need to find a nice (sane) girl that will care (and not be crazy) about you. =) Good luck soldier! :awesome:
Sure thing EV! Thanks for the vote of confidence, you rock!

Ok, I have another update! So I mention that I hadn't heard from her at all during the week. Well, last night I was playing a game, and she randomly sends me a text message on my phone "hi :)". So I just continue playing for the time being. I'm thinking I just don't want to bother with her. But then I figure, I just want to close the door on this deal ASAP, so I decide to sign on to AIM (assuming she'd be there). And she was there, so I waited for her to start the conversation.

I told her that it really wasn't a good idea to have anything more than an internet friendship. She was pretty accepting of that, at first. But as conversation went on, she keeps trying to get me to like her. She then tells me she just wants sex and not a relationship. I quickly said no, it went really badly last time and I wanted no part of it again. At some point, she asks me what I want to do to her if we're together. Again I said, nothing. I then had to specify that it never will happen again, but for some reason, I don't think she wants to accept that. I told her that she should look beyond me instead of fixating on me so much. She then says that she gets plenty of sex and doesn't need me for that. I'm just thinking that she's just digging herself into a deeper hole. She is definitely unstable. Even when talking to her, it's like I'm talking to 5 people, the conversation changes so rapidly and frequently.

But I was strict and to the point. Trying to get her to stop obsessing over me is the goal at hand now, and hopefully last nights conversation at least laid the groundwork for that.

Thanks as always for the support everyone!
 
Back
Top