Serious Relationship concerns

SapphireStar

SapphireStar

♥ FFF's Matt Bellamy Pervert ♥
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Okay, been dating my new guy for 8 months now. We met at work and he had been after me for months and I was in another relationship. It wasnt going well and I ended it. However, I did have feelings for the other guy, so we got together.

He told me he loved me pretty quick and me also. Now for the first 5 months, we were great. Lovely texts, messages left at work, facebook each other all time; basically the honeymoon period. But he isnt best finance wise and has a big debit for his student loan. He is unhappy at the moment due to money and family problems and Ive told him I will stand by him no matter what. But for the last 3 months it feels like Ive been keeping the relationship going. Some days he is great and makes me smile, others he is just so distant and not bothered.

We have split once for 2 days for something and he was heartbroken, but we got over it. But he just seems lovely in his texts, not in person. He has admitted he has changed and will be unhappy for a long time due to his problems and Im scared we're going to end pretty soon.

I know I love him and I hope he still loves me. Ive tapped the jeaoulsy thing on the head as his flirting was terrible and I got green eye monster pretty bad. But he is a friendly guy, so Ive ignored my jealousy and let him chat to women.

I dont know, everyone reckons we are meant to be together forever. He wants to marry me, but I know that wont happen for a good long time. Im scared its going to turn the way of my longest relationship, which was 3 years and my ex left me for another woman. But that was 4 years ago and it still does sit in my mind where this may go.

Thanks for reading the rant lol!
 
I know exactly what you should do Mariella. You should take this post and link it to him in facebook. It's best to let him know exactly how you feel and I can't think of a better way than directly sending this to him. I wish you the best of luck, and that boy needs to get his act together and fix up his life because no one is going to do it for him (tough love).

<3
 
I think he'd freak if I showed him this. His texts are just off. Last night I sent him a lovely text and nothing this morning about it. Just a "Morning, sleep well? xxx" text. Now 3 months ago, he would have sent a lovely reply back. I think its reaching the end. I mean, I can understand he is having a hard time, but he doesnt see anything wrong with us. Claims Im creating the problems.
 
Well he should acknowledge how you feel towards the relationship. You can't carry the entire burden of it on your shoulders. If he thinks there is nothing wrong, and it's your fault for creating problems, then he would not be a good life partner to have.

You said people thought you'd get married, but a marriage is a team. The husband and wife support one another and work together to solve the problems life throws at them.

With that said, you're not married to him, yet you're shouldering your half of the relationship and he's letting himself ruin the other half. Ultimately it seems that the choice is his. You need to let him know how this is effecting you. If he then dismisses it after a serious discussion, then he just isn't worth your time.

He might not think the problems are real, but they're real because they're hurting you. Pain is real.
 
From a male's P.O.V., he's already "got" you, so he doesn't think he should have to try as hard. I know, it's semi-despicable, but that's how we think. Just remind him that you still want to feel desired and "chased" and loved and all that. At least, that's my interpretation of what you're describing.
 
Estella Vanilla, thank you. Im happy we arent married as this would be something horrible to experince. I do love him, but he needs to get his act togther. Think my friends are going to be having words with him when they next see him. They all wanted us to be together for ages and now hes blowing it.

Wow, CassinoChips. My aunt said the same thing. Yeah my aunt said it, but thats what happened with her and my uncle and theyre married.

Ive just seen him for few hours and he was cuddly and that. Then we kinda went bleh went he was taking me home. He told me to put my hand back on his knee, something we do, just to know that the other ones there kinda dumb thing lol. I asked what was the magic word? He repiled Now! And said that about 5 times, I then yelled at him he had no right o demand me to do things. I know, dumb thing to yell about, but I wasnt a servent or dog he can bark orders at.

Well Im not seeimg him tommorow as his friend, basically his wife, wants to see him. Hes lonely, single and has no other friends cept my guy. So he contacts him nonstop. Im known as the other woman cause they act like theyre married.

So I guess a day apart will work. I was actually going to get a PS3 for his birhtday cause he took me away for 4 days for mine. But part of me is thinking dont be a fool and get something that expensive. If it doesnt work, Im not getting that back.
 
As CassinoChips said, most guys will try their hardest to get you and once you're their girlfriend they don't try anymore. They forget that the hardest part is actually trying to 'keep' you.

However, there are definitely guys out there that will be the gentleman you thought they were and continue the honeymoon period throughout the entire relationship.

There are guys who won't make their problems your problems and who won't make you feel like you should do all the hard work. The, 'I'm going through a tough time and you should pick up all the pieces because I'm so miserable' guys have clearly got a lot of growing up to do and they shouldn't be you or anybody elses burden.

Sure you should support them, but really if they intend on being in a relationship then they should show that to you.

Considering he knew he wasn't in the best place financially wise etc, well it really was selfish of him to lure you in, in the first place, when he knew it was likely to cause problems.

The honeymoon period in my opinion should never die and I've seen alot of people around me who are 50 and still as happy and in love with their partners as they were when they first met.

Sure there will be the random fight/argument here and there, which is what is expected when you live together etc. But the blame of the argument should never be put on either of you. A good relationship is where both people realise their stupidity in the heat of the moment and then apologise.

If you start to feel like you're babysitting them and that you have to tiptoe around them in case they start to cry, well it's pretty obvious that they are in no way capable of continuing a mature and loving relationship.

There is no room for selfishness in a relationship. Everything needs to be equal and no one should be doing all the hard work themselves.

I am in a 2 year relationship this year and we have been living together for a year and a half. The honeymoon period is still going strong and although there may be arguments, they last for around 5 minutes over something silly. We realise that and get on with our day together happily because who knows what could happen tomorrow?

You're still young and if he doesn't get his act together soon you'll be so disappointed that you wasted all that time, when you should have been searching for Mr Right.

You may still love this guy but he doesn't sound like he's showing he loves you. It isn't fair. You deserve someone who's going to smother you in love every time you see them/text them and who isn't going to be unbothered by showing that. Love isn't meant to be that hard, it's meant to be easy showing that special person how much you love them.

/rant

Mariella said:
Well Im not seeimg him tommorow as his friend, basically his wife, wants to see him. Hes lonely, single and has no other friends cept my guy. So he contacts him nonstop. Im known as the other woman cause they act like theyre married.
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In my last real relationship before my current one my boyfriend at the time had a friend who was exactly like that. I remember one time when I stayed at my boyfriends house, we just woke up and his friend was already in my boyfriends room playing games on the computer while we were sleeping. o_0

He didn't even live with my ex. He just let himself in the house and into my boyfriends room not even thinking that it was rude to invade on our personal space. Those kind of friends really need to get a life and stop ruining their mates lives.

Mariella said:
I was actually going to get a PS3 for his birhtday cause he took me away for 4 days for mine. But part of me is thinking dont be a fool and get something that expensive. If it doesnt work, Im not getting that back.
Click to expand...

I was actually going to get that same boyfriend as before a PS2 slimline when they first came out. However, when I started to notice the relationship going sour I decided not to.

I'm glad I didn't get it because two weeks later he dumped me. <_<


I hope my two cents worth helped in some way. >_<
 
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That was like... eight cents worth, Kandy. Lol.

And I agree that the honeymoon period shouldn't end, but as the relationship goes for a longer period of time, it's tough to keep that flame going. It's just tough to keep things fresh and new, and it's easy to settle into a routine. Of course, that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just needs some shaking up every now and then. So my suggestion would be to try to plan on doing something that you haven't done before once a month or so. Just to keep things a little unpredictable.
 
Hmm seems like ya'll have guys categorized. That's effin sad. We are pretty much different I would like to say.

If it deals with money, we handle our shiznit different ways.

If it deals with family problems, we handle our shiznit different ways.

If it deals with our love for you - When you say "work to keep you", I honestly think that's a crock. No offense, but a relationship needs "work" only when there a problem that will come in between the both of you. I'm not going to put you on a pedastal, but I will make you feel like you are my one and only and will never hurt you. Otherwise it shouldn't be such a hassle, or really you shouldn't be with that person. If I love, you will know it and you will feel special, that's just it. If you are always on the other end and feel as if you are "keeping the relationship going" then end it. Here's what I'm saying.. if you feel as if you can't openly talk about issues with your significant other, then you are doomed. Why? because it creates open ended tension.

I'd hate to feel always cumbersome because of my significant other not able to openly express themselves to me. It would create a healthy case of paranoia, because, hell, I care about her too much.

Now keeping the relationship always "interesting" and "entertaining" that might be a tad bit different. That's where these get screwy.
 
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Thanks guys. Well, like I said we arent seeing each other today and the texts have been sweet, laughable and nice. My best mate is having a couple night tommorow and were invited, so hopefully that will go well. I think time apart is important for us to cause of finance problems we are at his house alot and we do get bored easily. We usually go shopping or cinema, but we are pretty much skint, so were spending time at home. And its going well so far today, nothing but pleasant. Plus he gets paid double today for being at work lol.

Im hoping we will get better because there is love there and last time we spilt for the 2 days he was heartbroken and crying. So was I, but he was apologising and stuff, so I dont want to go down that pth again.
 
CassinoChips said:
From a male's P.O.V., he's already "got" you, so he doesn't think he should have to try as hard. I know, it's semi-despicable, but that's how we think. Just remind him that you still want to feel desired and "chased" and loved and all that. At least, that's my interpretation of what you're describing.
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Honestly, I think that is more of a childish "game" teenagers play in relationships ("relationships").

Mariella:
You guys seem to be more grown up than that and you said you've been with him for a long time so obviously you guys are good at dealing with problems. I think he needs to really understand this is an issue and work towards fixing it.

And you're welcome. I hope it all works out for you soon. :mrgreen:
 
in a relationship, what matters most is that you are happy with each other, and that you are not keeping any secrets. i think the fact that he told you he has a debt means that hes willing to trust his problems to you, and maybe only you. remember this, money does and will not automatically put anyone in power.
 
Well we were at my fiends house the other night and stayed over. We all had a laugh and got on great. But we shared a double bed and he asked me to spoon him, so I di. After awhile I stopped spooning him and turned back to go to sleep. Next morning I find he has his arm draped over me and pulls me in for a hug, which totally made my day.

But later that day I asked him if he could see a future with me, he said he didnt know. So I asked him again, do you want to end it. His answer was yes and no, things would be easier if he was single. But the ball is in my court and its my choice. If he ended it, to would so I would be happy.

That night we were having a family meal at his house and all sat down in front of the TV. His arm slowly made its way round to my shoulder and I ot dragged into a hug again and I was so happy. And weve been great today aswell. Just chatting and getting on at work. Its effection I want and I know men cant really show their feelings, so hopefully its going to get better.
 
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