"Negotiated infidelity"

[Rasputin]

Decided to bring up the conversation after coming across this CNN article. An excerpt:

"I thought it was men that would like the book," she says, "But in fact it's women, because what it says to women is that if your man cheats on you, he still loves you, and he's probably running about average."

Allowing their men to stray is a concept that's difficult for most women to contemplate.

But Hill says that if a woman takes the time to truly examine her relationship and considers Mother Nature's unerring spell on men's libidos, she might realize that letting her boyfriend or spouse know she's OK with him having sex elsewhere is a logical way to prevent him from doing it in secret.

"I think that cheating men are normal," says Hill. "Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not on the long-term. Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term."

Judging from the multitude of incensed comments that followed, this is clearly not a popular view, especially among Americans (keep in mind that the author is from Australia). I'm under the opinion that this view is rooted in conservative culture and people will eventually come to accept multiple sex parters as an acceptable alternative to traditional relationships. Considering how much monogamistic relationships fail due to infidelity or even the temptation for infidelity being scorned and swept under the rug, it's hard for me to buy the argument that these types of relationships are either doomed to failure or somehow debasing the morality of humanity as a whole. It may not be your cup of tea, but it should be a legitimate option for couples who choose to pursue it.

What are your thoughts?

 

[M1ghty Mous3]

False accusations. I've only cheated once, and that was when i was trying to decide between 2 different girls and i had started dating one, that very night i went to HS football game and did some stuff with the other girl i liked. The next day i broke up with the other chick who i had cheated on.

I'm not fond of cheaters, even though i had my one occurrence. I try to stay as monogamous as I can, and it's not hard, seeing as how I'm not the guy most women go after. f a guy is a cheater, he's doing it because he wants sex. If you want sex, go to your S/O. IF they won't have sex with you that day, then masturbate.

It's not that hard. People are just dumb

 

[Rasputin]

The thing is though, that A. masturbation is not sex and it never will be, and B. if you and your partner agree to have sex with other people, it isn't cheating. You can only cheat if you're doing it behind their back. Hence for people who don't like monogamy, this is a reasonable alternative.

 

[Dee]

I don't agree with this whatsoever. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting your man, that is, if the two of you are in a committed relationship and are decidedly exclusive to one another (unfortunately, people don't really spell these things out in the beginning), to be faithful.

I've always viewed it like this: if you aren't sure you are capable of being faithful to one person and have any doubt about it; or, are thinking of cheating (even in the moment, let's not blame it on the hormones, or the alcohol for that matter), at least have the decency to break it off before you go and fuck someone else. I find it very pathetic when someone in a relationship that is more exclusive than "one-date-and-lets-see-where-it-goes" ends up cheating on someone anyway.

Just don't get into a relationship if you're unsure. And if you want to cheat, end things before you do so. It's a little more respectable and courteous in my book.

 

[Channizard]

Totally against this as well. Unfortunately what some people are missing is that there are other reasons for why people cheat in the first place.

There's the typical (Ross and Rachel) 'We were on a break' cheating... where one party is unaware that they are still technically together, and cheats because they think they were broken up. Which is, fair play, being broken up, you can do whatever. But sometimes break up's aren't always solid and clear.

Some people go through dry spells, and masturbation just won't cut it after a point. Maybe one party emotionally depressed and haven't felt the desire to do it for a while, so then the SO, unable to cope with their partner's depression for unknown reasons, looks for it else where just to... let off some steam.

There's the vengeful cheating.. where people are going through a rough patch and cheat knowingly to get back at their SO. This is just downright dishonest.

Now I don't condone any of these reasons, but there are more reasons for cheating than typical 'I was drunk'... And I certainly don't think 'allowing' your partner to cheat knowingly is going to strengthen your relationship. How can you be with someone when you know that they're being with someone in the same way, physically and sexually? I could never do that...

 

[Ipsen]

Kinda pissed me off reading it. I don't believe it counts for everyone, or even a mass majority, either.

To be honest, I think there could be some truth in it. I think in ways it could deter some people, but at the end of the day it would have to work both ways, and I suppose there's a lot of people in "open-relationships" and what not who do that anyway.

I've not cheated ever =/ It doesn't make me a saint of the perfect man, but I am pretty sure more people are the same. Maybe not when you are in high school or college, but certainly after that and you pretty much just look to settle down and so on. Sometimes you don't find the right person, but I doubt you go behind their backs and so on and so forth.

It's not like I haven't thought about it in certain relationships, but there's no real harm in it unless you actually go and do it, you know? Really I suppose you shouldn't be int he relationships in the first place if you do.

Overall I think it's a pretty innaccurate statement just made to stir some shit.

 

[Bambi]

If both parties are up for it, then, whatever floats your boat, can't say I'd ever be willing to even entertain this idea myself, if I'm with someone and he strays then he's getting his butt kicked right out of my life

why is a monogamous man a hero? I'm sorry, but if you make commitment to someone, it's bloody well expected and I certainly wouldn't be like, oh DARLING, you haven't cheated, you're such a hero and I'm EVER so grateful. Kiss my arse

But for those folk that are ok with it, whatever, doesn't affect my life

 

[Rasputin]

I don't agree with this whatsoever. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting your man, that is, if the two of you are in a committed relationship and are decidedly exclusive to one another (unfortunately, people don't really spell these things out in the beginning), to be faithful.

There's nothing wrong with expecting "your man" to be a wealthy businessman with a good physique and a passion for campy romance novels. Potential relationships might be in short supply, but there is nothing wrong with looking for them none the less.

But not everyone holds those expectations.

Some women expect the freedom to not feel constantly pressured by their partner to have sex when they don't want it, and realize that men do not associate sex with intimacy the way most women do. On the other hand perhaps the man isn't as sexually active as the woman wants, and they want to explore around without feeling some horrible sense of guilt or questioning the legitimacy of their relationship. As long as a couple is honest and well prepared for potential risks, I see no harm in partners having sex with whoever they like.

I've always viewed it like this: if you aren't sure you are capable of being faithful to one person and have any doubt about it; or, are thinking of cheating (even in the moment, let's not blame it on the hormones, or the alcohol for that matter), at least have the decency to break it off before you go and fuck someone else. I find it very pathetic when someone in a relationship that is more exclusive than "one-date-and-lets-see-where-it-goes" ends up cheating on someone anyway.

It's not cheating if the couple mutually agrees to it. If anything it brings these couples a hell of a lot of relief in their relationship.

Just don't get into a relationship if you're unsure. And if you want to cheat, end things before you do so. It's a little more respectable and courteous in my book.

To who, you? Nobody is saying you have to get in one of these relationships. However, in my book not planning for potential infidelity is as deluded as married couples who refuse to get a prenup because they can't imagine the possibility of a future divorce. Monogamy is not natural, does not imply any level of "respect" or "courtesy", and can just as easily revolve around some mental claim of ownership that one partner has placed over the other. By the same token, infidelity is not polygamy, and simply trying to deal with sexual needs elsewhere does not interfere with the emotional attachment one partner has for another. It's simply a practical way to solve a relationship conflict that would otherwise spiral into lies, cheating, and unchecked emotional frustration.

 

[Shu]

Some people go through dry spells, and masturbation just won't cut it after a point. Maybe one party emotionally depressed and haven't felt the desire to do it for a while, so then the SO, unable to cope with their partner's depression for unknown reasons, looks for it else where just to... let off some steam.

EDIT: Hmm I misread that, my apologies, I see what you are saying. People get depressed, maybe chemical, so their mate goes and cheats on them because they are sexually frustrated.

Spoiler is meant for folks that thinks depression makes depressed folks cheat, though don't read this since no one stated it =P.

Spoiler

Wait what? Is this from experience or something because I've never heard of this reason. Depression != sex with a stranger. Meaning I've never seen someone get depressed and cheat on someone,

now they get sexual frustrated, which leads to it, though I don't think dabbling in some other woman's vag, or some other dudes dick is going to make either party perk up more, unless it's a self esteem issue.


Folks that have low self esteem anyway, are harder to trust in relationships anyway, I can make that point. They never feel like they are good enough for party B, and then start messing around with folks. I've seen this first hand experience (well second), though self-esteem issues should be solved before bringing it into a relationship and throwing it on your mate.

 

[The Illusive Man]

Tbh anyone that would say its ok with there partner to go sleep around, seriously has some severe issues. Cheating is cheating, no matter the excuse, the phrasing or whatever. You are STILL sleeping with someone other than your partner.

If theres a need to go sleep around to get it out of the system, then there are some severe underlining flaws in the relationship that neither are addressing and simply are trying to brush under the carpet.

I also find the statement ill informed, poorly researched and obviously exceptionally biased and sexist, there is no "Men cheat more", actually women can cheat just as much as men, the only difference is, Men tend to get found out more.

Cheating is just something id never ever consider, no matter how sexually frustrated I became, there is simply no excuse for it, and trying to justify it is nearly as bad as the act itself.


Shu:-

On Self Esteem it can work in the total opposite direction also, People with high self esteem can also think they are too good for there partner, and go sleeping with someone who they regard as more attractive, or they can even "slut" about to feed there ego.

Low Self Esteem can also be a lot more attached and less likely to stray as I'm sure is on the flipside of the High Self Esteem card, its more to the individual than the actual issue, its easy to catagorise people as cheaters in a stereotypical manner, but its often not correct either.

 

[Dee]

There's nothing wrong with expecting "your man" to be a wealthy businessman with a good physique and a passion for campy romance novels. Potential relationships might be in short supply, but there is nothing wrong with looking for them none the less.

But not everyone holds those expectations.

Some women expect the freedom to not feel constantly pressured by their partner to have sex when they don't want it, and realize that men do not associate sex with intimacy the way most women do. On the other hand perhaps the man isn't as sexually active as the woman wants, and they want to explore around without feeling some horrible sense of guilt or questioning the legitimacy of their relationship. As long as a couple is honest and well prepared for potential risks, I see no harm in partners having sex with whoever they like.



It's not cheating if the couple mutually agrees to it. If anything it brings these couples a hell of a lot of relief in their relationship.



To who, you? Nobody is saying you have to get in one of these relationships. However, in my book not planning for potential infidelity is as deluded as married couples who refuse to get a prenup because they can't imagine the possibility of a future divorce. Monogamy is not natural, does not imply any level of "respect" or "courtesy", and can just as easily revolve around some mental claim of ownership that one partner has placed over the other. By the same token, infidelity is not polygamy, and simply trying to deal with sexual needs elsewhere does not interfere with the emotional attachment one partner has for another. It's simply a practical way to solve a relationship conflict that would otherwise spiral into lies, cheating, and unchecked emotional frustration.

The whole point of my post was referring mainly to someone consciously getting into a relationship where it was MUTUALLY agreed upon that the two people are exclusive to one another. I never said if a couple who agrees upon allowing 'infidelity', in which case it wouldn't be since it was allowed, was bad. If the couple decides that it is okay, then more power to them.

To who, you? Nobody is saying you have to get in one of these relationships.

As for this statement, yes, to me. I never said I wanted to be in that kind of relationship, never did I say I would willingly get into a relationship where I would assume or knew my partner wanted to sleep with someone else UNLESS I didn't mind him doing so. It's just that simple. If I even wanted to be in a relationship (which I don't), I would ask for exclusivity and if they did not want that then I wouldn't bother and go my own way. I'm not, however, going to be with a man and then expect them to change when I have a choice in the matter as well. This would be determined from the start; something I think needs to be discussed more as it can turn unfortunate when people don't define their relationships.

Couples would be much better off if they sat down and said, "look, I like you and I think you like me, but I'm not 100% sure about wanting to be exclusive...how do you feel about that?" I think there is a decency in doing so, which I highly respect when someone is upfront about something before diving in head first and ending up cheating anyway. I'm not going to put myself in a situation where I know I want something and end up letting them walk all over my rights as a human being--so I don't.

If a man wants to be in a relationship with someone where they want to have the freedom to sleep or do things with someone else, that's fine, but it's not going to be with me. I can hold out for someone who'd want me and only me and I don't think there's absolutely anything wrong with that. I would respect his wishes if he were in my shoes and, hypothetically, I was in the non-monogamous mindset.

As for preparing for infidelity, well, I do have a plan. IF I ever find myself in a relationship and both of us agreed to be exclusive to one another, and he goes and cheats on me anyway, he's out of the door and out my life. I don't tolerate that kind of crap, not so much because of the physical cheating but the outright lying to my face.

Homie don't play that.