Serious Lost a Friend...

[Marshy]

If you read through this, thank you.

So I was best friends with this girl since the start of the school year. She kinda made the first move and began to call me her "BFFL" (best friend for life) she was currently single at this time and all i wanted to be was friends and so did she. She would always signal me over to sit with her and she would always want to eat lunch with me.. I would buy her lunch and she would do the same for me.
Right before christmas break her ex at the time stole her ring so i thought, why not get buy her the same ring.. she thought it was the sweetest thing but everyone else in the class thought i had a crush on her.. anyways as christmas break approached, she thought i liked her because of what everyone else was saying... over the break we had a big fight but we made up and became friends again afterwards. At this time, i realized she began to backoff more and she seemed upset all the time.. i would take her out in the hall to ask her whats up and i just wanted to talk about things.. which she hated. She got a boyfriend at this time and stopped telling me about her problems, which i was always there for her. I understand that she has a boyfriend for this now.
Anyways, fast forward to 3 weeks ago where she was getting sick of me getting too close to her and asking her what was wrong. She told me she needed a 2 week break so i gave her a few days and she completly ignored me in class. it felt like i never existed to her.. I told her this and we started talking a bit again. Now 1 week ago, she texted me and told me we needed to talk about our friendship. She was saying i was getting to close and i told her i realized this and that i wanted just a normal friendship.
Anyways.. She hasnt talked to me at all for a week and a bit now. I said sorry to her friday because i felt bad.

Am i an idiot for wanting this friendship back? I was always there for her when she needed me and she was the one that always wanted to be close to me at the start and now this is all my fault pretty much?
Should i just forget about this friendship and move on?
It's just that i have all classes with her and now when i hear her voice i kringe. I'm just really mad... ugh.

 

[Nocturne]

Eh, seems like peer pressure getting to the person. Sad in a way, especially if all you were doing was trying to be a friend like you said. Hence why people need to stop caring what others who dont mean as much to them, think and live their life.

I may be losing a friend sometime within the year as well. She started getting into drinking and, while we were never great friends, I respected her for not doing such things. I stay away from all that kind of stuff, and if she is going to be that way, then sadly, I will want nothing to do with them.

Either way, I think it is natural to want to friendship. If you have been good friends for a long time, and it ends, you will miss it. To me, it seems like she needs to grow up a little and maybe she will one day see the error of her ways.


Also, though, if she has a BF now, then you need to watch how you act as well. It's very easy to step over boundaries, even when you may think you arent. So I can see where she is coming from in that regard, and her BF's since he probably wouldnt like it either. I know I wouldnt.

 

[blakstang98]

You did nothing wrong man. By the sounds of it, you were a great friend to her, and then she forgot about you after she got a boyfriend. You really have nothing to feel bad about. You were a perfect gentleman to her and she decided to have an attitude about it.

If I have to guess as to why she is acting this way, I'd say that her new boyfriend is possessive. He probably doesn't like it that you, a guy, are friends with his girlfriend because he thinks you'll make a pass at her. So keep her boyfriend happy, she's distancing herself from you. Whenever you hear things like "friends come before girlfriends/boyfriends" or "bros before hos", basically they this is the situation they're talking about. She shouldn't forget her good friend just because she has a boyfriend now. She's still young and chances are her relationship with him won't be for the long-run and if she stays friends with you, that stands a much better chance of holding up.

Should you not bother with your friendship with her? I wouldn't go that far. I think you should have a heart to heart talk with her and explain that you want to be friends with her and nothing more. If she continues to neglect you, then maybe you should leave her alone and move on. This is all dependent on how good a friend she is to you. It's a judgement call on your part. I think if you can at least speak to her one on one and tell her how you feel and she still chooses to be that way, then it's basically out of your power. But I certainly wouldn't give up on the friendship now, make one last nobel attempt to recover the friendship, if it doesn't work, then forget about it. I can almost guarantee you that when she breaks up with her boyfriend, she'll be making an attempt to talk to you again. Then it will be up to you if you want the friendship back again or if you'd rather hold it against her.

It's a sticky situation sir, but I wish you the best of luck. It's never good to lose friends, but it's never good to be ignored by one either. But what's right is right and it's best to stand your ground.

 

[Marshy]

Eh, seems like peer pressure getting to the person. Sad in a way, especially if all you were doing was trying to be a friend like you said. Hence why people need to stop caring what others who dont mean as much to them, think and live their life.

I was really quite pissed that mine and her friends would even say anything to her about that. They don't know how i feel, they should have stayed out of it.

I may be losing a friend sometime within the year as well. She started getting into drinking and, while we were never great friends, I respected her for not doing such things. I stay away from all that kind of stuff, and if she is going to be that way,
then sadly, I will want nothing to do with them.

I always hate interacting with people that aren't all there. Sorry to hear about that.
Either way, I think it is natural to want to friendship. If you have been good friends for a long time, and it ends, you will miss it. To me, it seems like she needs to grow up a little and maybe she will one day see the error of her ways.

Also, though, if she has a BF now, then you need to watch how you act as well. It's very easy to step over boundaries, even when you may think you arent. So I can see where she is coming from in that regard, and her BF's since he probably wouldnt like it either. I know I wouldnt.

We were really close.. shared everything together... and she totally through it all away like it was nothing. Which was the thing that hurt the most.

You did nothing wrong man. By the sounds of it, you were a great friend to her, and then she forgot about you after she got a boyfriend. You really have nothing to feel bad about. You were a perfect gentleman to her and she decided to have an attitude about it.

If I have to guess as to why she is acting this way, I'd say that her new boyfriend is possessive. He probably doesn't like it that you, a guy, are friends with his girlfriend because he thinks you'll make a pass at her. So keep her boyfriend happy, she's distancing herself from you. Whenever you hear things like "friends come before girlfriends/boyfriends" or "bros before hos", basically they this is the situation they're talking about. She shouldn't forget her good friend just because she has a boyfriend now. She's still young and chances are her relationship with him won't be for the long-run and if she stays friends with you, that stands a much better chance of holding up.

Should you not bother with your friendship with her? I wouldn't go that far. I think you should have a heart to heart talk with her and explain that you want to be friends with her and nothing more. If she continues to neglect you, then maybe you should leave her alone and move on. This is all dependent on how good a friend she is to you. It's a judgement call on your part. I think if you can at least speak to her one on one and tell her how you feel and she still chooses to be that way, then it's basically out of your power. But I certainly wouldn't give up on the friendship now, make one last nobel attempt to recover the friendship, if it doesn't work, then forget about it. I can almost guarantee you that when she breaks up with her boyfriend, she'll be making an attempt to talk to you again. Then it will be up to you if you want the friendship back again or if you'd rather hold it against her.

It's a sticky situation sir, but I wish you the best of luck. It's never good to lose friends, but it's never good to be ignored by one either. But what's right is right and it's best to stand your ground.

Her new boyfriend really his the opposite. I only met him a couple of times but this all started before him.
I tried to have a heart to heart conversation with her. She hates it when i take her out for a walk during class so we can discuss these things.. I mean.. its not really appropriate to do it in class.. and the last day we were friends i kept asking her to come to the caf with me and she wouldn't come and finally i caught her in the hall and i told her she wasn't caring about my feelings at all and was being selfish.. she told me its a two way thing here and then continued on to blame everything that happened on me. So as she walked away i said "Fine, fuck it... i won't bother you anymore".. and I could see her crying.. i don't know if it was because I wouldn't leave her alone? i'm pretty sure thats the reason. Anyways i haven't talked to her since i said "i'm sorry" to her for what i said. Like I never cry, and that day/night i couldn't help myself but cry. It was really sad.

 

[Kekiro]

I understand your feelings and I've been through similiar experiences. From what I've read it is clear to me (to me) that this issue is not about you, it's about her. She is having trouble dealing with your friendship, she might have actually thought you wanted more than that and got scared. It is quite common for human beings to respond with aggressiveness as a defense mechanism, I am not sure what the psychological term is in english since it is not my mother tounge.
The advice I would give to you (and myself for that matter) is to throw the ball over to her. Tell her that you have always treasured your friendship, you never wanted anything more and that it would sadden you greatly should this friendship be lost. Then tell her that you don't know what else to say anymore and that she may contact you if she would wish to talk.

I am aware that I am not all knowing, this is just my perspective and feelings on the matter.


Lastly I would like to remind you of one thing; Carpe Diem.

 

[Marshy]

Ya i've been thinking about trying to tell her this again through a inbox message or something seeing as its tough to talk at school because your never alone. But like, she told me to leave her alone, i'm respecting it this time.. at least for a month or so. I really do need to give her some space. She means the world to me. I've never missed a friendship as much as i do now. She was truly like a sister to me and i told her this. She just kept taking the things i did the wrong way..

When i'm around a girl i like, I tense up and get shy and can't talk. With her, i was never like that. I never once thought about her in any way other then a friend. I've never got shy trying to talk to her or anything.

 

[Kekiro]

If you've already told her your perspective then "leaving her alone" is probably the best choice, she needs to realize for herself what your friendship means.

Also (i know it might not be a nice thing to hear) sometimes friendships end and life goes on, the only thing you can do is to make sure you don't have any regrets. Following your heart is not a bad advice and it is not uncommon that old friends get back together after a few (or many) years, often resulting in an even stronger relationship than before.

Make sure you don't have any regrets and keep living your life, that's all we can do.

 

[Marshy]

Right now, all i've been banking on is her feeling bad realizing what shes missing.. but the way shes been the past 2 weeks, it seems like she doesn't care anymore. I've faced facts and given up on the friendship, but i still was hoping for a smidgen of hope. Whenever i hear her laugh i think.. that used to be me that did that.. and whenever i hear her talk i wish i could still talk to her.. it sucks being in the same class as her =\

 

[blakstang98]

Her new boyfriend really his the opposite. I only met him a couple of times but this all started before him.
I tried to have a heart to heart conversation with her. She hates it when i take her out for a walk during class so we can discuss these things.. I mean.. its not really appropriate to do it in class.. and the last day we were friends i kept asking her to come to the caf with me and she wouldn't come and finally i caught her in the hall and i told her she wasn't caring about my feelings at all and was being selfish.. she told me its a two way thing here and then continued on to blame everything that happened on me. So as she walked away i said "Fine, fuck it... i won't bother you anymore".. and I could see her crying.. i don't know if it was because I wouldn't leave her alone? i'm pretty sure thats the reason. Anyways i haven't talked to her since i said "i'm sorry" to her for what i said. Like I never cry, and that day/night i couldn't help myself but cry. It was really sad.

Then it seems like you did what you could do to resolve the problem and she's not open to listening. I'd say just leaver her alone for now. If she really is upset about thinking you don't want to be friends with her, then if you give her some time, she should come back. I'm sure you would be more than willing to accept her back as a friend. But for now, I think you did what you could do and she just has to figure it out herself. But by the sound of it, she'll come around.

 

[Amizon]

I can definitely see the issue is with her by all these posts and reading through them. I've had friends like that who just go off and act like I don't exist. Peer pressure, I agree, could be an issue here as well. Or she may have become a completely different person with her boyfriend there, too. Whatever the case, she'll soon realise the idiot she's been for ignoring you and go back to the friendship hopefully. But if she won't listen to you, she's not worth it.

 

[Shu]

It's been a while since I've been in these ole Temple of Ancients, but I think you deserve the straight up hard truth my friend. If someone has said this.. my apologies, but I don't care to read the responses yet.

If women see this as sexist, well then see it for what it is then. Women never, and I do say never know what they want. The importance to them is, they don't know what they got until it is gone. The thing she is doing to you is wrong bud. It is a total mind screw. First best friends for life, which never.. exactly tends to work when introducing the boy friend element and next using you in such a way is burdensome.

Let me put this straight and forward. She might be a good sole, but give her the space she needs. Honestly act like a ghost to her. She's used to you asking "what the problem is all the time."

Some ladies just have the chemical make up to need to lean on a certain individual for as long as they can get a counterpart. Honestly if I were you I'd back off.. (which might be hard in this case since you do fancy the girl) and then passively acknowledge her. Other than that don't speak a word to her until she's ready to talk.. and of course don't sound desperate if and when she chooses to. Because trust me.. she'll be wondering where you've been.. and etc.

Key point: "they don't know what they got until it is gone"

 

[Kekiro]

If women see this as sexist, well then see it for what it is then. Women never, and I do say never know what they want...

I'm a man, i see this as sexist, I see this as generalizing, I see this as an old fashioned way of thinking and I also believe it may be true in many cases, no matter the gender.

The importance to them is, they don't know what they got until it is gone...

You're not talking about women, you're talking about humans.

My point is we're all crazy and you shouldn't approach the problem with a "she's a girl so..." attitude. In the end we're all humans and as I said we are all crazy, we're just trying to find some logic and meaning in all of it. I believe you should also think about what you would want, if you for some reason didn't want to talk with someone and just wanted privacy, even if it were a close friend. Would you like that person to respect that and leave you be? I think I would anyways, I'm not saying what this girl did was right in any way, just speculating.
[Mod Edit: Could you please add a response as to the OP as to not derail the thread? Also this is not a debate thread, so please be considerate to the thread]

 

[Marshy]

Then it seems like you did what you could do to resolve the problem and she's not open to listening. I'd say just leaver her alone for now. If she really is upset about thinking you don't want to be friends with her, then if you give her some time, she should come back. I'm sure you would be more than willing to accept her back as a friend. But for now, I think you did what you could do and she just has to figure it out herself. But by the sound of it, she'll come around.

Ya this is what i've been doing for the last week and a half. I've left her alone, don't sit beside her, don't talk to her (except the one instant when i apologized to her.)

I can definitely see the issue is with her by all these posts and reading through them. I've had friends like that who just go off and act like I don't exist. Peer pressure, I agree, could be an issue here as well. Or she may have become a completely different person with her boyfriend there, too. Whatever the case, she'll soon realise the idiot she's been for ignoring you and go back to the friendship hopefully. But if she won't listen to you, she's not worth it.

I definitely agree. I've been pushing away my other friends and never hanging out with them at school, and with her gone i'm starting to hang out with them more.

It's been a while since I've been in these ole Temple of Ancients, but I think you deserve the straight up hard truth my friend. If someone has said this.. my apologies, but I don't care to read the responses yet.

If women see this as sexist, well then see it for what it is then. Women never, and I do say never know what they want. The importance to them is, they don't know what they got until it is gone. The thing she is doing to you is wrong bud. It is a total mind screw. First best friends for life, which never.. exactly tends to work when introducing the boy friend element and next using you in such a way is burdensome.

Let me put this straight and forward. She might be a good sole, but give her the space she needs. Honestly act like a ghost to her. She's used to you asking "what the problem is all the time."

Some ladies just have the chemical make up to need to lean on a certain individual for as long as they can get a counterpart. Honestly if I were you I'd back off.. (which might be hard in this case since you do fancy the girl) and then passively acknowledge her. Other than that don't speak a word to her until she's ready to talk.. and of course don't sound desperate if and when she chooses to. Because trust me.. she'll be wondering where you've been.. and etc.

Key point: "they don't know what they got until it is gone"

Again, really banking on this that she will see what shes lost..

Her ex boyfriend, out of no where started talking to her again and they hang out at lunch and stuff now which is weird because she cheated on him and he knows it.. and she's clearly using him for nothing else but to buy her shit right now and i just feel bad for the lad.

I really hope that she will see what shes missing, but what she said before we stopped being friends was that she was actually feeling less stressful with me out of the picture and stuff like that. And she doesn't seem affected at all. I told my friend today, and i know this might sound bad but i actually enjoy seeing her in misery now because now she knows how i feel.

Anyways thank you everyone for you help and keep it coming. It really helps talking about this.

 

[Sabriel]

Kyle

I'm so sorry about this. Your friend has just deserted you... And to think she has another boyfriend... It's horrifying.

Just continue to leave her be, until she talks again.When that time comes, act normal, don't talk to her about this matter, forget about it and move on. But until then, keep on hanging out with other people/friends. I hope that'll ease you pain

/apologises as I'm not good at this kinda thing, but hopes it's good enough

 

[Marshy]

Thanks Sabriel. I plan to do exactly this.. I always come up with these plans that i should do but there always stupid.. like today i was thinking.. maybe i should wait a few months, then out of the blue ask her to go to lunch.. Thats just how much its hurting not being about to hang out with her.. But i know its not a smart thing to do. I need to just forget about her. It would be so much easier if she wasn't in my class

 

[DepecheMode]

I can understand your feelings over this. You haven't done anything wrong, trying to keep a friendship from falling apart is a noble idea. As a guy it can be difficult being close/best friends with a girl, especially if a boyfriend comes into the picture, because then all of the sudden you have these "boundaries" you have to be careful of, even if you're intentions are good. I hate that and I've had that happen. It shouldn't have to disrupt a good friendship.

If you feel you gave it your best effort in pursuing her and she still didn't care, then let her go for a while. I know it's gonna be hard, but give her some time and once she gets her heartbroken by this guy, she'll then realize who her true friend was this whole time and she'll probably try talking with you again. That's where you've got to be the judge, either in that time you've become so emotionally cold (like I did) or you'll have a little bit of heart left to make things right again and hopefully she would too. I've certainly been through things like this and it wasn't easy. I was close friends with a girl I knew for 8 years. 8 years her and I, through the good times and bad times and we had our drop our periods where we wouldn't talk to each other but it only made us stronger. She was perfect and I adored her, but through a series of complicated events that's too painful to go into detail about... our friendship ended after all those years, it was because of me. I never forgave myself for that and I became very emotionally bitter and cold afterwards. She went on with this other guy and I completely distanced myself from her, going in our separate directions never to meet again.

Give her some time but don't wait forever, patience is hard to learn. All of us mature at different rates, she still probably has a lot to learn and it could take her a bit to figure it out, or she might not ever figure out the significance of your friendship. "If" the opportunity comes back to you in the future and she tells you she wants to try and be friends again you gotta be the judge whether you think she's worth it or not, but who knows both of you could be different by then. The key thing to any sort of relationship will always be patience, whether it's friendship or love....

 

[Marshy]

Ya i will definitely do what everyone seems to think is best. I will leave her be and hope she will see what shes missing..

Another thing that happens with her.. she has mood swings. Its what happened over the christmas break. She was all mad and ignoring me then all of a sudden monday back she was all happy to be around me.. And this time, i thought it would be the same but it really doesnt seem like it is.

As soon as she ended our friendship, i took her number off my phone, deleted her of msn and off facebook. I had to get her out of my mind and this was definitely helping that all my communications with her are gone.