Serious Losing a loved one .

[Pandora]

I'll say right now that this thread probably won't be for the easily depressed or very emotional, but anyone is free to post their feelings and thoughts here if they feel the need to. And I haven't seen any other theads like this around, so I thought I'd start one. But a long time I ago, I lost one of my best friends (her name was Erin*), and she had committed suicide when she was only 14 years old. No one knew for sure why she did it, but I had noticed that since she moved away from our area, she had been sounding very depressed. When I found out that she was dead, it was so hard to go through days - no, months to try and get over it. I learned with time that losing a loved one is impossible to get over, but all we can do is move on. We may have a few reminders now and then (or maybe everyday, depending on how close that person is) about the tragic event, but after about a year I could talk about it comfortably.

Well TONIGHT, I was looking through this one girl's Tumblr blog that was totally dedicated to her boyfriend of 4 years that died in a car accident, and people could talk and ask her on the blog on how her life has felt since that time. There was a voicemail she left on his phone that she recorded and posted on her blog for everyone to hear. Basically, out of everyone that replied to the voicemail, all of them were saddening were saddening responses, and I could make a probability that 1 out of every 3 repliers said that they cried when listening to it. I listened to it myself, and I thought it was pretty heart wrecking. All of the sudden I was reminded of Erin and how much I still miss how, and I'm like totally depressed right now. Like, it is a bad thought that all of us are going to die at some point, but its even worse if you force death on yourself at such an early age (any age for that matter.). But yeah, I felt the need to let all of this out. I'm drinking tea right now, so I'm slowly going back to my normal mood. But I still do want to hear your thoughts or stories - but only if you feel comfortable sharing them.

[*name is changed for sake of respecting privacy]
​

 

[L]

shit happens. we all know our fate, but not the hour.

My dad passed away when I was about 14 or 16, it's a bit of a low point in my life. I've always looked back and been upset about it because my mom divorced my father at a young age, the first time I'd seen him for a long time again was over christmas break.

...but at the time, I was very materialistic and self-absorbed. I still am to an extent, but at that time I was really the only person that mattered to me. Didn't care much for anyone else or their company.

last thing we did was look at some porn and had a few drinks. Only thing I did there was ask him to buy me new stuff, which he didn't because he wasnt by any means of the word rich

by the time the feeling that I'd been being a massive dick set in, he was already very ill and passed away.

I still get pissed off about it. I've never been able to visit his grave either, because I guess my mother never thought it was an event of much importance or at least enough importance to buy the gas to go there.

 

[Shu]

Heheheheh...

Glad we have a member to put a bold subject out there. Most folks usually bend to put this stuff in the Costa section, because they don't wish to reflect on themselves.

I have had a pretty fortunate life given to me, parents paid for everything as far as schooling went, and played sports/video games/relationships till I was into the college years. Though one thing has always made me stand offish to the normal state of mind person.

You can define it as insanity:

Insanity n. :

unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or that releases one from criminal or civil responsibility

I had the same state of mind that Derek had with death until someone sparked something in me, which now is forever lingering. My grandfather passed at the age of six on tubes from Lung cancer. My mom had cancer in my early years, but survived but now is a loony thanks to the radiation/chemo and the overly excessive dosages she had. My cousin ended his life while being a christian councilor in New York. My Aunt was killed by a drunk driver. A bud of mine got himself killed on a 4 wheeler. Another friend ended himself with his paps gun. Meh.. list goes on.. death is death.

I have something inside me which takes emotional hits like a champ for me. Personally I think I have an alternate personality, because I get hightened emotional senses with one personality where I let the pain in, and the other is a hard ass orcish brute who is there to take the hits. I'm in control of both, but can be a total ass hole when I see problems as trivial. I even thought death was trivial at one point.. heheheh... oh boy.

What happened? I saw the deconstruction of heart unfold in front of me, someone who put up her wall up so high and then suddenly had a nuke penetrate every orifice of it, and being so young as she was, couldn't get right in the head and handle the pain. I found that the only way to walk was outside the lines of religion to help. Instantly when I did this, I awakened it. Something inside me said.. "You will now view everything different light.." Problem is.. I have the eye, but don't have the time/life unless I was to remain single.

Friends are the best psychologists. Every day we are each others support groups without thinking about it. We don't brand it that, because it's called friendship usually. Problem is, when faced with as many problem as today's generation "Think" they have they lose sight of what's really important in their life, until a death closest to their heart, makes them an unhinged individual.

Depression/Hatred/Unrest comes from it, when one can't understand. And when left alone long enough the mind tends to start to break away from the social norm. You feel as if the only way you relate is through exploiting lyrical content from music. Hell I did the whole diving into other religions for a bit, until finally I found something that made me relate to. I don't speak of it much, because people tend to over identify with it way to fast.

To me, your loved ones, dead or alive, are who makes you. I live my life to not shame them. There will be plenty of more death, but what doesn't make me go nutty, makes me grow and keeps me grounded. I'm in for a good listen, if anyone ever has.. well problems, I don't act like these folks who try to overanalyze you or give you meds for not being able to understand. Sometimes there's nothing to understand..

Just keep your soul in tact.. don't let your mind get the best of you.

 

[Bei Bei]

It's a long story but I really need to start from the beginning so you can get an idea of what I was going through with my parents at the time.

I had started going through a time in my life where I was living on my own, going to school, trying to get a great career. At the time we lived in Michigan, and I ended up going against both of my parents wishes by moving away to New York and going to school. I was able to live off student loans and grants and for nearly a year my parents refused to talk to me. Well I ended up moving back and going to school close to home so I could live at home with them because I really missed them not talking to me.

Soon after I was home, my mom informed me that she had found my dad was cheating on her, and that she was divorcing him and moving back to Hong Kong. So for a while it was just me and my dad, and I was so mad at my mom because I thought it was her fault that dad had cheated on her. I was being stupid and I refused to have anything to do with her. After a while though my dad really changed, and I went to my mom for comfort. All in all my dad wasn't the nicest person and I won't discuss the details but he ended up in Jail. I ended up losing everything and was getting ready to move to Hong Kong to live with my mom when she did everything she could to keep me in the US. All the while unbeknown to me, my mom was sick. She never told me she was sick, but I could tell these things. I ended up moving to Hong Kong to take care of her and a few months later she passed away. I stayed in Hong Kong for a while to take care of all her arrangements and then I came back to the US.

While I came back I guess my dad was released from jail. I've had nothing to do with him since he went to jail, so I don't know how he found out where I had moved to or what was going on but he did. I wanted nothing to do with him, and called him some pretty nasty stuff. I then blamed him for cheating on mom, and that I blamed him for everything that had went wrong. What pissed me off is he just stood there and didn't say anything. After that he's tried a couple times to get a hold of me but I ignored it completely. I ended up moving again and after that it was the last I've ever heard from him.

I had found out that my dad ended up going to Hong Kong, was rejected by his family for what he had done while in the US, and he ended up committing suicide. I regret a lot of things that I know I'll never be able to change. I wish that I had been able to spend more time with my mom. I wish that I never had to put her through any pain when I was treating her so bad I should have been supporting her. Maybe if I had tried to help my dad instead of rejecting him, things might be different.

I do believe in fate, and that everything happens when it's supposed to happen, and that everything happens for a reason. In time I came to accept it no matter how much I hated it. Sure there are a lot of things I regret, that I will be regretting for the rest of my life. But the best I can do is learn from it and just keep going, because I still want to be the person that if my parents where alive that they could be proud of.

 

[Shu]

but its even worse if you force death on yourself at such an early age (any age for that matter.).

Trust me, suicide only leaves questions. It's the single most selfish act in this life. I use to dwindle on the people who have ended their life around me.. now I get a little heated when I think about it and move on. Worthless.. True I'll remember the good/bad times when they were alive, but ... Worthless is the word to describe it.

I do believe in fate, and that everything happens when it's supposed to happen, and that everything happens for a reason. In time I came to accept it no matter how much I hated it. Sure there are a lot of things I regret, that I will be regretting for the rest of my life. But the best I can do is learn from it and just keep going, because I still want to be the person that if my parents where alive that they could be proud of.

/Wide Eyes....

All I can say is.. Holy Hell.. That's.. some admirable shit. It's like something out of a movie, and I don't mean any disrespect.

All I can say is, you have more wisdom than most of us any day of the week. You have the right to depressed, or go through PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Thanks for sharing.. I have nothing to respond with. /silenced.

 

[Ilyena]

I was pretty fortunate early in my life. I didn't lose anyone close to me until I was in high school when my great aunt died. My uncle died the next year and then my father died the year after that.

There really was no time to recover between these deaths and my life kind of fell apart for a while after I lost my dad. I was working and going to school and I sort of stopped doing both for a few months. Even after going back to work, I didn't get back into school for several years. It was a really depressing time and I guess it was worse that I never really talked to anyone about it. My family was never really open in that way; everyone kind of kept their feelings and thoughts to themselves. Even now I've never really talked to anyone about my dad's death. If it comes up, I'll mention it briefly and then move on. It still hurts even now almost nine years later.

Three years ago, I lost my paternal grandfather. When we got the call saying he was dying, we traveled to Pennsylvania to see him but he died overnight and we never got the chance. It was an awful feeling since we had been planning to take a trip to visit him but never got around to it. A month later, I lost my maternal grandmother. I didn't really have time to grieve since I had to hold things together for my mom.

I've lost a lot of loved ones in the last ten years and it never really gets any easier. It's something that you have to learn to live with. You try and remember the good times you had with them but it's still hard knowing that you'll never be able to see them, talk to them or hug them again.

 

[MagicMasher]

I lost my Mom when I was going into the 7th Grade (so, about..when I was 13-14). You never really realize how much someone means to you until you lose them, or how much you appreciate them. I know that sounds cliche, but that's...exactly how I felt about my Mom.

When I was that age, I didn't really appreciate everything given to me or the people around me. I kind of just...took without giving back, in a sense. I always thought everything would always be there, and I'd always get stuff, and my Mom would always bail me out of problems or get me whatever I want. I was naive, materialistic, and dumb. But I guess at 13....

Anyway, she was already pretty sick. If I was actually paying attention before instead of after (when I found her notepad logs about her symptoms...which was heart wrenching to read....) then maybe I could have helped her. But, instead, she kept everything to herself and eventually had an aneurysm. We rushed her to one of the good hospitals near us but, due to a random, ironic, and convenient plane crash, we had to rush her to a minor hospital near us. All they did there was constantly run her through an MRI for over 4 hours, before someone finally came to transport her to a major hospital in the downtown area of where I live. By that time, the blood had clotted and she was only living by being on machines.

Emotions are a very irrational thing. I mean, I usually didn't want to harm anyone...but when they wouldn't do ANYTHING to help my Mom I just wanted to destroy that whole hospital. I mean, 4 hours is a LONG TIME, you know? It made me so mad. I knew they could have done more.

We think my Mom may have had cancer anyway. She was about 20 pounds underweight, could hardly keep anything down, and was very weak half the time. She also wouldn't let any of us go in with her during her doctor appointments, when she did go to them, and told the doctor to prevent us from coming in, too. She never wanted to push anything that was wrong with her or the stress that came along with it onto any of us.

I think she knew she was dying. I still don't understand why she didn't let anyone in on what was going on in her mind. But, I probably will never know.
The only reason I feel comfortable saying she knew is because I'm still, after 5-6 years, working through her notepad logs. And that is what things are leaning towards.

 

[Rydia]

I will probably lose one of my uncle's soon. he has had a bad heart for years, had several heart attacks, and smokes three packs a day. last night he had a mild stroke. he is doing better though today. I recently found out he had leukemia. And he will most likely not be offered a bone marrow transplant. As much as I hate to say this and feel bad about it, I don't think he should recieve a bone marrow transplant. He is already very unhealthy and he continues to make unhealthy choices. The bone marrow should go to someone healthier. I do love my uncle, but I don't think it is ethical to pass someone else over for bone marrow.

Losing him will be hard though because he was always the fun uncle that always played games with us and let us get away with anything. he also never married and never had kids so maybe that's why.