Serious I don't have any friends and I am a coward.

[Guernsey]

Well, I just need some advice on relationships specifically with friendships. I had acquaintces and only on friend in my lifetime but other than that the only thing I really know is that there were from high school. Lately, I feel misantropic and I just cannot stand to be around some people but at the same time I am afraid to go outside to go to any job. I just don't know, I do want money but I hate work especially if it is a job I hate and also I don't have anybody (other than my family) outside the forums to talk to. How do I win friends or at least find someone to talk to?

 

[Estella Vanilla]

A lot of creating friendships depends on your ability to be self confident. If you are happy in your own skin other people will see that. Also, it's easier to befriend a friendly kid than an upset, gloomy one.

Also, you need to be aware of the type of friends you're looking for. You don't want anyone that is a negative influence. Do you go to school? Maybe there is a club involving something you like to do. It would be a good idea to check that out.

Jobs we like are difficult to come by (and jobs period if you're in a recession). If you don't like dealing with people you need to find a job specifically geared to avoid human interaction. Like stocking shelves or something. A lot of professional jobs depend upon human relations though. So if you don't like talking get ready for physical labor. =(

 

[JaketheSnake]

You sound insecure man. You're like me. I have friends and don't have nearly as many struggles as you, but I feel you, and I want to help:

I'm sorry for you, but it sounds like one of those things you need to discover for yourself. I'm not sure if you're depressed, but you fight your way through it until you find some sort of realization, an epiphany. I struggle with my insecurities all the time, and truly, I've been feeling misanthropic just like you lately. But the truth is, if you're happy, then it doesn't matter how many friends you have. I'm not sure if I believe in God, but when I try to find a purpose to life, I can't. The only thing I can see that is certain is that you need to make yourself happy. People come and go, and the only constant is you. So make yourself happy. Make your life right. Get rid of your insecurities, because, as I said, everyone comes and gos. So what people think of you know won't matter in the long run. All that matters is how you feel about yourself now, because in the long run, that will matter.

Also, I find that focusing on something you know you're already good at makes you more confident, and thus, happier.

Good luck.

 

[Rockman X]

You sure you don't have some sort of bad phobia or something? I mean what you've got sounds kinda serious.

My advice would be to go out and find a job (if you can, that's not an easy task these days) and force yourself to interact with people. I was always deathly shy of people when I was in elementary in highschool, but getting a job where I was forced to deal with people (cashier) helped me improve drastically. Alot of your problem could just be that you're staying in your comfort zone.

Now um, something else you could try is this website. I haven't used it personally, but I've heard alot about it lately. Evidently you can look for groups on there of people with similar likes/hobbies to what you have and meet up with people in your area...or something like that. Obviously forums are good places to meet people, but something like that will help you actually find local people.

If you don't like dealing with people you need to find a job specifically geared to avoid human interaction. Like stocking shelves or something.

Hell yes. When I worked at a grocery store here, I was usually a cashier but sometimes I was a stocker and it provided a really nice break from idiot customers. Sure there was the occassional lost customer asking you where marshmallows or batteries were, but for the most part you could work by yourself. The days would go by REALLY fast too, I'd actually forget to take my breaks

So yeah, you might just be suited for jobs where you aren't required to interact with people much. But you should still try to put yourself out there, you're never going to get better with people if you keep hiding from them.

 

[Takumi]

First, you should be confident with yourself. Even though you think that they might reject you, just give it a try. You'll never know unless you try. Be nice to others too. If you talk to them nicely, they will do the same manner. Avoid making friends with people who are bad influence. They will become your enemies in the end if you keep on making friends with them. Talk about things that interest you both. Have fun hanging out with them. Don't say bad things (such as saying that I'm an idiot, coward, moron and stuff) about yourself. Instead of saying that, tell yourself that you are great, friendly, cool, fun to talk to and other nice stuff. Think positive, and believe in our advice. Good luck^^

 

[Mitsuki]

Honestly, I wouldn't go looking for friends. That's a little silly because first thing's first, look at it this way: that's sorta like a desperation, which is not really good. Friends aren't gained at a snap of a finger - it takes time to build trust and connection with people, even if they have the same interests as you do. Ya' never know if what the guy/girl is some lunatic person until you really get to know them. My advice is to just comfortably talk to people you meet, whether it be a neighbor, but at least it will help you gain some confidence and be more natural when it comes to talking to people. Conversing with people really helps and you actually get to interact and get to know them on different levels, but to be an actual friend to someone can take some time, and to be honest, I don't see anything wrong with that.

I mean take me for instance. Sure I'd like to meet new friends out there, and my sister-in-law would always give me the opportunity by inviting me to her social gatherings with friends. A girl's night out, if you will. Well, every time I would kindly refuse because first, I don't know those girls. (Never even met them) It would feel awkward going out with a bunch of people I don't know, aside from my sis-in-law of course. But still, I'm not going to force my way in their own little circle they've formed and pretend that we're all friends...as if we've known each other for awhile. That's not the case. I mean maybe if they stop by at the apartment (since my sis-in-law lives with us) and visit, I'd get a chance to get to know them a bit, but going out and hanging out with them right off the bat is entirely a different matter. I'm just not like that. Some people may be comfortable enough with it but that's just not my thing.

I think the whole aspect of winning friends isn't going to be that easy. Just take it one step at a time and you'll eventually find a few buddies of your own, whether it be through school or work. Just don't go looking for them because that's not really a healthy way of doing it, in my opinion. They'll come in your life one day. Focus on other things such as getting yourself situated in life and before ya' know it, they'll be right there with ya'.

 

[Bambi]

You need to try to build stronger bonds with the friends you already have dude, make the effort to get in touch with them. Get a job thats not working within public - retails a bitch Il never do it again. Think about how many people hate their jobs aswel, it wont just be you sitting there thinking gee I hate my job But getting a job is summat we all have to do so Id suck it up if I were you. You will make friends there too. The longer you hole yourself up, the harder it will be to get out and DO things until you end up losing touch with the few aquaintances you already have

Make friends online too, I think I have miore online pals than I do irl sometimes

I dont really get out much myself tbh, and Ive been out of work a year, which does knock the confidence abit - from my PoV I think Ive been out of work so long Im gunna be shiiiite at whatever I go for, but you dont know unless you try right? Also, I live miles away from all my friends and family - so thats where my online buds come into play, and I always make sure I keep in touch with my RL friends too, texts calls, over facebook whatever. And we make sure we get togetehr for a night out once a month, and go to see each other ata weekends round each others houses and shit

You gotta make the effort, because if you don't people won't make it back eventuallly, til youre all lonely and alone, and we don't want none of that

I suck at advice

 

[The Illusive Man]

Even if you make just one friend in life, be it even just a pet, all you need to do is be willing to put in a bit of effort with them and you be content with that.

Personally I'm often seen as a bit of a recluse and dont talk to people I dont know in RL much, if at all, but I still have a circle of friends that I have formed over the years that I would regard as good friends and put in time to go out with them whenever I can, or even just get in touch with them just to see how they are.

Making friends is all a matter of personal tastes and interests, you will find it easier to make friends with people you share things in common with (people you work with, have the same classes as if your still at school, or even play the same sports/video games are always good footholds of common grounds)

But yea, be yourself most of all, if you try to be anyone else just to impress, once the veil drops the trust of the friendship is severely weakened and may well be beyond salavaging.

 

[Shu]

I'd post what I know and don't know but I honestly think all has been said without me reading the replies through and through.

All I can say is being afraid to meet new people is common for 90% of people. I went through a phase of losing so many effin friends, due to friends getting expelled, leaving the school I was in, or just because I just fell out of communication with a few because they had changed so drastically. Hince the only "relationships" I had with girls were those outside my school, because I couldn't stand the people in my school. So losing friends made me lose my nerve every damn time, when one day I just couldn't give a fawk who I was around.

Like Mits and other people have said, I don't think finding friends is a great idea. Honestly if you learn to like and love who you are, and get your shiznit done in life, people will naturally come along in life.

I call these people your crew. There will be a few people who stick around in life, but most are just there for a few and gone the next.

Also the few friends.. who I can count on one hand are who I can count on with my life. They are very stand up people, and real to themselves as well as me. It took me a very long time to run upon these people, but I can honestly say.. looking can often times make you end up with the wrong crowd. So my suggestion is just enjoy yourself for a few, and just be yourself around people.

 

[Dionysos]

I am going through the exact same problem as you and it really really sucks, doesn't it?


I made a thread here covering the same things a few months back and the general advice I was given was to hang in there, don't ever lose yourself, get yourself out there, and don't concentrate too much on forcing meaningful relationships.

That is pretty sound advice and, while at the time I wasn't so sure how to act to it, I am begining to understand it now.

With you, I'm assuming it is either confidence issues (as it is with me) or general agoraphobia. If it is the former then this might help. If it is the latter then therapy might help.

Does your mind freeze when you are around people? Like everything you wanted to say just vanishes as you want to say it? Do people get bored of you after after a few minuites as a result?

Do you feel depressed over all these issues and feel like there is little hope for you and that your future is uncertain? I'm assuming that because you have made a thread about it then it must be pretty serious enough for you.

In that case I suggest you start acting on this NOW. The longer you leave it the worse it gets. I went all the way through highschool and sixth form not saying much. I didn't do anything to help myself as I believed in the delusion that going to Uni would make it all instantly dissapear. It didn't. I found myself MORE isolated. This last year I have found myself slip into a state of insanity that is just not healthy for anyone to endure. My entire attitude to life has been messed up. I'm really thinking irrationally, and closed in. I get depressed, angry, really angry. I've been wacking myself on the head a lot lately forming lumps etc.

Though I have acquaintances, so to speak, I am no longer any good at makng proper friends. My freinds are all self-obsessed swines. Now that might seem harsh, I do like them, but they are all emotional-vampires. They tell me their problems all the time and never shut up to let me give them advice, and whenever I try to give hint that I have problems too they just don't give a crap. It's then I realised that they're not really my friends at all.

What I am trying to say is... It is a rare and wonderful thing, meeting and making a friend that is truly interested in you and will follow you through anything. You say you have one friend and I am assuming that by that you mean a friend that you feel is a friend. That's good. I'd keep hold of that friend.

But essentially all that matters is family at the end of the day. Friends move on, go away and live their own lives. Family stays forever. Yes we do need friends or people to be around, but just hold that no matter how often you screw up there will be some people close to you at least until you are able to have your own family.

Everyone is right about not searching for friends. You need to work this from the inside out. Searching for friends and getting out there will only lead to grief if you haven’t tackled your own confidence issues first as you’ll just feel like you have failed again when the person gets bored and moves away. That is where I have gone wrong. I let myself live for so long without getting myself sorted out inside, and really nothing from the outside can really help. Unless one angel of a person dedicates a life to sorting you out then its sadly going to have to come from within.

Now about that... Since my thread was made I have been to see doctors. I didn't know who else to turn to. It felt REALLY awkward sitting there for something of a mental issue as opposed to a health issue, and felt really bad sitting there explaining how I just can't get myself to function. But it needed to happen. It was a start. I went back to see a counseller and he has booked me for some confidence building classes. I'm not sure how usefull they will be but it is a start, and a chance I will take.

Being forced to spend 2 and a half weeks abroad in Greece has helped me a lot as well. I didn't know the people I went with very well. They still don't know me as I didn't say much but I was able to see how much they had lived and how much I hadn't. I was also able to see how being away from home for so long wasn't as scary as I'd thought, and I'd now take an opportunity that anyone asks me to go somewhere, I'll do it. I realised, at 20, I have wasted my social life. I haven't had a life like that at all. I go to the pub, yes, but with those self-ranting friends that are no reciprocal. So I'm at the stage now at doing something about it. So I'll go to these confidence classes no matter what.

I believe that, before you turn yourself insane, to do the same thing AS EARLY as possible. It only gets worse, and it only cycles down if you don't. It is hard, but you have to be strong. I know it is easier to give advice than to accept it when you are like this, and if this was someone telling me the same thing to me I'd probably be all "ahhh! I dunno if I could do that" but there comes a point where you just have to realised that you need to enjoy what life you have left.

Throwing yourself at people also is a bad idea. If you are not confident, then it just makes you look like a fool and people look down at you. It sucks and its harsh, but the world hates people who fail. I'm not saying people in general intend to hate people who aren't high up there, but its as if the earth has a way of keeping people down, killing off the weak. People with confidence generally don't want to waste their time helping those without, as they want to be out there being all awesome and that. Therefore the best thing to do is to work on your own confidence now. Not to be the most confident man in the world, if that is not who you are then some things will not be, but to be confident enough in yourself to be able to be yourself and to get respect from those around you. Enough confidence to be made of win, no longer made of fail.

A last note is that there is no hidden secret to social sucess. Through months of observation of how people act, searching for the deep and meaningful answer to it all... I've came to a rather simple conclusion: "It's all bollocks".

It really is. There is no secret. People just be. People just do. Once you tackle the inner turmoil you are facing then hopefully you could be, you could do. Ones own internal barrier can be MASSIVE in people like us, but try chipping away at it now.. Scratch that, try bulldozing it to smithereens. I'll report back here after my confidence sessions and say if it is of any help to me and if it could help you, but seriously if you can't help yourself from the inside out then I suggest you go for similar classes yourself and try and train yourself to be able to work from the inside out.


I'm sorry if this post was disjointed and hard to read but my keyboard decided to play up.