Serious High standards too much?

[SimplySabra]

I have high standards and everyone who knows me personally knows this. I don't think having high standards is a bad thing so long as I hold myself to those very same standards. I just simply only date guys who have a future plan, they need not know what they truly want to do, but if they are doing something positive for their future, like college, that's all I ask. Also said guy must have a car, and preferably a job. And so long as the guy is around my age and has a job, car, and future plans, I ALWAYS say yes to a first date.

I don't like to refuse a guy because first impressions are hardly what they seem and I feel that by a first date I could really get to know a guy and decide if I like him then. I also do so because I like to think that I am not shallow, so I go regardless if he's plain or average looking. I normally let the guy plan it all out himself, I give no personal input on where to eat or go. I simply want to see what the guy himself thinks of. It shows creativity on the guy's part. He need not take me somewhere that would be expensive, just something creative, something to remember him by.

So just last week, a guy I have known for quite over 2 years finally asked me out. He admitted that asking me out has always been intimidating to him, even though he knew I would say yes. I laughed at him and smiled and told him that I didn't bite. Afterwards I had a good laugh with an ex of mine who is still a good friend and he agreed with the guy who is taking me on a date soon. Am I being unfair? Are my expectations of what a guy should be like too unrealistic and idealistic? I am starting to think that I am being this way and it is haunting. It makes me feel like a shallow person myself.

 

[Lirael]

It doesn't sound like your standards are too high. Personally, I understand why you would want to 'only date guys who have a future plan.' Men who have a plan tend to appear more confident, committed and responsible. It isn't always the case, but a future plan is a sign that they're driven to do things and that they invest their time effectively. At 20 years old, this can seem quite important as you're no doubt starting to think about your own future. You don't expect guys to know what they want to do - this IS unrealistic at 20 years old - but it is important to explore possibilities, which is what a future plan should be about.

How solid do you want the guy's plan to be? Do you want him to know where he'll be in a year's time, or do you just want him to be doing things that are contructive? There's a lack of stability when people don't have a solid future plan: you can't be 100% sure where you'll stand in a year's time. Assuming you have your own plan, you may wonder how things will fit together. However, even solid plans don't always work out, so in an ideal situation, both plans should welcome felxibility - it's better someone has a flexible plan than a solid plan which leaves no space for your plan.

I think your method of going on a date to get to know a guy is great! You don't sound intimidating. The only part which is perhaps a little intimidating is the standard 'he should have a job and a car,' as both of these are quite tricky nowadays. I didn't start driving until I was 21 and learning was an incredibly expensive affair! That paired with the fact the job market isn't very good at the moment means a number of people won't have a job or a car. I feel incredibly lucky to have a job; Chris only works one day a week on average as he volunteers 3 days of the week. The voluntary work is all part of his plan to be a librarian, however, and is more rewarding/productive than a job in another field (e.g. a shop, catering, an office).

Why do you feel he must have a car? I can appreciate the independence driving offers, but I don't think it should be a requirement for a relationship. You could lose so many fantastic guys by setting that standard.

 

[Squid]

There's nothing wrong with high standards when it comes to a job. No one wants to date a bum or someone who isn't trying. You don't want to see yourself supporting this person and yourself on your own in the future money wise. Though I don't really know why they must have a car. It's handy for them to have a car but I don't really get why it should be a must but if that's what you want them to have and that's what you need to find them attractive than...that's a bit weird but whatever.

My standards are that they must have a job and i don't mean to sound mean but you have to be attractive and funny or I'm not going to be attracted to them. It doesn't have much to do with what they own etc for me.

So yeah I think high standards are fine depending on what you are picking your future partner on.

Also, I like the idea of a guy picking the first date as well, like you said, doesn't have to be expensive or even cost any money at all but if it's creative and fun then it really shows they're willing to try and win you over. Though we're in 2012 now and it seems less and less guys are willing to do this kind of thing for women. I think a lot of them expect things to be equal now, there's nothing wrong with being equal but there's nothing wrong with trying to impress a girl either

 

[Yaoi Master Gavin]

Honestly, it depends on what age you're going for. Unfortunately with the current economy and your age, many men around that age are not going to meet your standards, so yes they are too much. However, they are incredibly reasonable. Personally, I completely agree with you. It really sucks when your partner is basically leeching off you so to be able to provide for themselves is great. It also takes the pressure off of both of you financially if you can both do these sorts of things without really having to worry about the other.

I do agree with Lir about the car though. A solid mode of transportation should be what you go for. I know a few guys at my uni that ride motorcycles and dont have cars and a couple who just have bikes. Each person has their own preference.

 

[Richard B Riddick]

I think you have the right approach, Sabra.

The world has changed. Its not like it was back in the 1980's - 1990's & earlier when a person might begin in a entry level position & work their way up the ladder to eventually being a boss if not CEO. Now, if you lack a college degree, your advancement is extremely limited and you can never rise above a certain position. In some cases, there are people who have years of experience at certain job positions & they can no longer qualify for the job they did for the last 5 years due to them lacking a degree, as standards have changed. So, its no longer about how qualified, good at their job or how much experience a person has. If you don't have a degree you're pretty much doomed not to qualify for certain things.

If you can't qualify, you can't advance.

If you can't advance, in some cases, you're stuck in a dead end job with no chance of promotion. If you have kids or plan to start a family, living in constant debt & barely scraping by isn't necessarily a good place to be.

These days, its pretty much a requirement that if you want to live comfortably you need a plan of some type.

.

 

[Sepalcure]

I sort of get what you mean about the car to hold a guy to owning a car's nice and all, it gets you from point A to point B. You obtain a lot of liberties when you have a car, the world becomes your oyster, you're able to traverse great distances and all that ... but there are other ways you can get around: walking, going in a friend's car, taking a train ... a taxi ... or a bus. But I think I know what you mean, a man owning a car is a sign of independence. I remember when my ex-boyfriend (who I'm talking to again now) got his 2008 Saturn Ion and he paid for it off himself. He felt a sense of pride and boastfulness because it was his car and it was under his title and his name. He'd obtained it so it's a sign of independence and you know that this guy won't need to bum a ride off a friend. It's a nice bonus but I personally wouldn't make it be the end all/be all of my talking to a guy. That's just me.

A job on the other hand, I can understand as being a necessary requirement for a guy. You want to know that this guy can pay for your first date and that he won't have to be lent money only to have to pay it back later. If he's financially stable and has a small job then that's better than nothing. Who wants to date a dude who can only afford to have you stay at home and play video games with him every single night? Or who can't even afford to take you to McDonald's? I know I wouldn't--if I'm busting my ass trying to find a job then you should be doing it to. But then ... the economy's difficult and not everyone will be guaranteed a job, especially us young college students or working 20-somethings trying to pay our way into or through college. But yeah it just sounds like to me, Sabra, that you want a man who can financially support you, someone's who dependable and can own and maintain his own car. You want someone who is as self-sufficient as you and in this day and age that is an admirable thing. You don't want to necessarily depend on this guy as a crutch because you are self-sufficient all on your own but you DO want to know that he won't be depending or bumming off of you.

I wouldn't say it's high standards, I'd say it's pretty decent actually. High standards is if you have a list of things a man should be and should have and the content is unrealistic or unreachable. But these are reachable and realistic goals.

 

[SimplySabra]

Well honestly, for a guy's future plans, I only ask that he does constructive things to help him out in the future. It is rare that people will know where they will be a year from now. As for a car, I had once dated this guy who had no car. He made no attempt to ever get rides to come see me. Only when I went to his place did I ever see him. He often pulled a guilt trip on me when I was too tired to drive to see him. It became irritating rather quick. Mainly as far as a car is concerned, I just want someone who would put in as much effort to see me as I would him whether it be a motorcycle, a car, or even a bike if the distance isn't too far. I hated having this guy I dated leech off of me for rides and stuff because that's what it came down to in the end and I only felt used.

As for the guy having a job, most of you are right. I don't like having someone to bum off of me. At the same time I show the same respect. I never go anywhere with a guy without having the money to pay for myself. I often even argue that I should pay for myself after the first date. I simply require a guy to have a job because it shows responsibility and partial independence. It doesn't have to be their life career job either, just a job to show they are trying to be independent.

It's nice to hear all of your opinions on this matter. I myself paid for my own full time college that I still go to, have always had a job, I have had to buy my own car as well. I did this with absolutely no loans. My parents did help a bit, but were paid back very promptly after 3 months for my car. My jobs all haven't been so pleasant, but I pride the fact that I never go without one. Really, I just ask for someone who is on the same page with me, though it's a nice added bonus if he could also kick it back with me and rock with playing Halo or Gears of War with me every now and then.