Serious Can't even fake happiness for the sake of another?

[Channizard]

So recently I've found myself to be in quite a pickle. My best friend of say, the better half of 15 years is pregnant. Ready to pop any day now, actually. She's my age, 22, married to th father of their other 3 year old child, and living about 4 hours away in the city. They seem to be doing okay, living/renting a house, and her hubby's in school/working a job and supporting them.

However I think she has no business having another kid.

Heartless? Maybe. But I'll explain.

She'd always had big plans of travel. She was gonna go to England with me, but got pregnant last minute and then got stuck at home. After the birth, she married the father, and then from there their life has been a rollercoaster. Moving back and forth, from where we live, to 4 hours away, back home and living with her folks, his folks, out in a house, and back out again.. They've never shown an ounce of stability.

This is further enforced by her dreams to STILL go to England and live there for a couple years before the kids are in school. Really?

She hasn't gone to school, college part time/at home, nothing. She's actually only held 1 job in her life, and that was for a few months when back in school. So she's otherwise not prepared for what life is.

She lives in this perfect bubble. Things will always be okay. And I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise. Nor do I have the heart to fake being happy for her. I see her posts on fb, saying how many weeks, posting pictures and such, and I can't even comment on it because I don't think she's doing the right thing.

I think right now she's being incredibly selfish to herself, and her husband. She loves the idea of another kid, wanting the first to have a sibling close in age so they can be best friends (partially because I never had a kid around the same time and she still gives me grief about it to this day which also upsets me). She's got this perfect idea of how things are supposed to be, ideas of how its going to turn out, but I don't have very much hope for it turning out well. I think it'll blow up in her face, they're going to struggle a lot, and the unfortunate thing is, what'll end up happening is that she'll assume a THIRD child can fix this.

This is more of a rant than anything. My folks ask me how she's doing, and I shrug. I don't particularly care anymore, and THAT upsets me. I feel so strongly against what she's done with her life that I cant even be remotely positive for her, that we haven't talked in months.

No one may have any opinions or relateable advice.. no one may hav even read this... Alas dear void of FFF... thanks for listening.

 

[Six]

To be honest, it's her life. She's going to make decisions you are not going to agree with, that's what everyone will do. She and no other are living to please anyone but themselves in the process, and to work their way up to who they want to be, and what they want to do in life.

You say she is being selfish, but you kinda are, too. I understand it's hard to accept certain things, specially if you think you're the one thinking logically and you want to watch out for someone you've known for so long.

By looking out though, that means you'll have their back even with the stupid decisions (in your eyes) that she makes. At least she's not down the road doing drugs and alcohol and pulling you in to the mess and getting you involved, that would be a line to take a step back from, turn around and walk away.

This though? Eh. Life, huh?

 

[Squid]

I agree with Kira saying it's her life and none of your business really, yeah she's your friend and yeah you wanna look out for her, but I can't really see what she's done wrong judging by what you've written down in your post.

She wants to travel to England and take her kids? Hahaha why can't she? If she can afford it then good for her! If she can't afford it then there is no issue. She just wont go. I hate parents who have kids and then just completely lose their life and their dreams.

If she's not got a job but they're surviving well I don't see the issue besides her being a bit of a mooch but the hubby is allowing it so it's really his problem.

Being excited and wanting a kid is not a bad thing. She's a bit young but oh well. You don't have to be happy for her (I personally hate kids and would not give a shit if my friends had one) but I don't think you should judge her because she wants to continue her dreams just because she's started a family.

 

[Channizard]

Hrm, fair enough both of you. I get that it's not really my business, nor have I ever imposed my feelings on her life on her, but we have a rather complicatd relationship, especially the last few years. It's hard to get into all of it without losing track/the minds of anybody who seems even remotely interested, but I've had a lot of altercations with her on other things.

The thoughts on adoption/abortion/keeping a child, the process of my relationship with my ex's, whom she always seems to like, but as soon as something goes wrong she switches "I always knew he wasn't right for you." ...derp, then why not say anything?!

So this has sort of been the boiling point for me, where I got frustrated within myself, on my opinion of her careless decisions.

As far as their living situation, I'm not sure how it is.. but I do know that the hubby had to work two jobs to keep them afloat at one point, before going to school (possibly still is, not sure.) And as far as her not chasing her dreams, it's not about that, it's more like.. I don't think she's really grasping the reality of the situation. She could have waited to have another kid a couple years until they were more stable, and he was finished school, sbut she wanted it now kinda thing.

 

[Nocturne]

I understand both points and lean more towards siding with Channy. It's easy to say dont judge them for wanting to start a family and do all this stuff, but when you were really good friends with someone and see them make mistakes/bad judgments with their life, it can be very frustrating. Even if you arent great friends with them now, you were at a time, so it's something that can bug you.

I never really understood why people say stuff like "let them do what they want" or "it's not your problem". Sure thats ok sometimes, and sometimes you should stay out of it. But if everyone followed that, there would never be progress made and our society would turn into a bunch of free loaders/people who dont think before they act.

 

[Six]

There is nothing wrong with telling someone once that they're making a wrong choice according to you, I completely agree with that. However, you can't hold a grudge against them for nothing. Especially not just because you think what they're doing with their own lives is stupid/immature/childish.

If you wanna be the better man, or woman in this case, stand by what you said, but don't look down on them. Everyone makes shit decisions, and all you can do is learn from them.

Warning someone once or twice because you love them and want to look out for them, that's perfectly fine - human, even. But you can't dot out the line for them to walk to the end of their life according to your advice.

I'm not trying to be rude either, but honestly, someone doing what they want to do doesn't mean that they don't take in to consideration what you said, but it'd be ridiculous for her to say "You know what, I'm not gonna have kids just because I think your advice is solid."

 

[Squid]

I never really understood why people say stuff like "let them do what they want" or "it's not your problem". Sure thats ok sometimes, and sometimes you should stay out of it. But if everyone followed that, there would never be progress made and our society would turn into a bunch of free loaders/people who dont think before they act.

But it's not like she's destroying anyone's life by doing what she's doing
All she wants is to have kids and travel She's not partaking in drugs, putting anyone's life in danger, ruining anything for anyone. This is one of those times where you should put your personal judgement aside and let the friend get on with her life as she likes.

If she was doing something terrible then I'd say sure, butt in and give her a piece of your mind, but she's not

Though obviously this is not the whole story as Channy said above, just the tip of the iceberg I guess.

 

[Channizard]

Tip of the iceberg yes, there are several smaller incidents where our relationship has been strained, however my fault as I have difficulty confronting her when she'd done something to upset me, so I bottled things up. This is... not quite similar, in that she hasn't outright upset me, it has nothing to do with me, but I'm merely asking in advice on how to deal with this without condemning her because I think she's being dumb.

I'm not trying to be rude either, but honestly, someone doing what they want to do doesn't mean that they don't take in to consideration what you said, but it'd be ridiculous for her to say "You know what, I'm not gonna have kids just because I think your advice is solid."

xD

Nah you're not being rude, don't worry. You're not sugarcoating it either, but I'm not particularly offended by your advice. I mean, sure, maybe I DO need to just suck it up and let her do what she wants with her life. It's not that I don't agree with what she's doing, but I do think that it's rather dumb to be doing that right now. I think another child could have waited another year or two until they were more financially sound, with her hubby's schooling/finished job. But she just wants it to happen right now, because she came from a family where they were all close in age and pretty close to one another.

(One thing that actually really pissed me off was when she compared her family to mine, saying how her and her siblings were infinitely closer to me and mine, because they were only 2+ years age apart whereas mine we were 4+ years apart. Hrm.. maybe that's where some of this animosity is coming from.)

 

[L]

haha wow

I really don't know what to say. I'd probably talk to them about it without trying to make a big deal out of it.

Maybe she could settle with visiting England for a month, but personally, as a man, I really wouldn't want to watch children that long and I can't speak for her husband but I couldn't suggest just dumping the kids on him in good conscience.

But you know, kids don't always become best friends. I hate my sister. I mean I care about her and stuff, enough to tell her that her man is a worthless deadbeat and to make the I'd shoot him twice joke from The Office... But we are definitely not friends.

You know what she did to me in middle school? She told everyone I masturbated with a tweety plushie. I mean, it was actually one of those 5ft long pillows so she wasn't too far off, but people gave me shit about it until I gave them all a reason to shut up.

It's a little off-topic and I'm not trying to brag - I wish that it never would have felt necessary, but it's something to think about.

 

[Shu]

To be honest.. a good friend is only there when asked.

I mean granted, I think sometimes it's best to tell when someone's "cheating" on the other person. Though in this situation, maybe currently they are doing the right thing. I mean yea kids and all, and maybe it won't work out. I'm not saying be positive no matter what, though to be a friend in that situation is to keep your opinion's to yourself. I mean the worst thing about wisdom is often times, it only applies to you, not them.

I'm not one to cause rumors, gossip, or uneeded drama. That's just one more bottom feeder who lives off the misery of others. If they want to live their life like that, I say let em. It's best to live from the hardship of oneself than others to be honest. You can always "nudge" them in the right direction in which you see fit. Though to physically speak your mind on the matter, in my opinion, wouldn't be your place, but that's my opinion.

I get what you mean by faking it. I can't tell you how many folks throw it in my face that they went somewhere, have a great life, or whatever. I always think to myself... "Just wait till you hit the bottom, then you'll be humbled."

All you can do is be there.. when she needs you.

 

[Channizard]

You know what she did to me in middle school? She told everyone I masturbated with a tweety plushie. I mean, it was actually one of those 5ft long pillows so she wasn't too far off, but people gave me shit about it until I gave them all a reason to shut up.

Prime example right there of something I forgot. You're right, siblings often don't get along, moreoften than if they did. So I think that while she's going to love this little time with two kids, eventually as they get older it may not turn out picture perfect like she wanted. She just always assumes things will work out the way she wants it; she, as a person, has very little room for flexibility.

You can always "nudge" them in the right direction in which you see fit. Though to physically speak your mind on the matter, in my opinion, wouldn't be your place, but that's my opinion.

I get what you mean by faking it. I can't tell you how many folks throw it in my face that they went somewhere, have a great life, or whatever. I always think to myself... "Just wait till you hit the bottom, then you'll be humbled."

All you can do is be there.. when she needs you.

I guess. It's just that I don't even know how to be fake for it, textually or physically. I've always been a big open book, emotions clear. If I'm pissed, I'm pissed, annoyed, I'm annoyeed. There ain't hiding it. Tie that in with being a terrible liar an I have no cover. xD So that appears to be the second hurdle, after just sucking it up.

 

[Channizard]

Well, she popped yesterday. Haven't really had an idea of what to say to her... pretty much only 'liked' the post on fb but haven't said anything, haven't called.. haven't felt like I wanted to, tbh. =/

 

[Richard B Riddick]

Eh, I don't know what to say.

Some people can have a chaotic life where they don't plan and don't do much in the way of disciplining themselves, or using restraint and they seem to enjoy it. They thrive on the adversity and madness and it doesn't faze them too much, even if their life is full of things that would drive most people crazy.

If your friends that type of person, I wouldn't worry too much about her.

But, if she's the type that does things and regrets them later and is prone towards bouts of depression and anxiety, then I might agree with you that she could be making some mistakes that she'll regret later.

That seems to be how things are with a lot of women, though.

They want someone to sweep them off their feet and not have to bother with thinking or planning & to wake up one day wondering how they got there.

They don't necessarily want to think about if what they're doing is smart or even a good idea. They just want to pretend that they can do & say whatever they want in life and that anyone who disagrees with them is "dumb" and "not their friend" & that the world owes them a happy ending regardless of potentially bad decisions they make.

So, eh, who knows.