Serious Can an ex really be a friend?

Shu said:
To each their own I guess.. but I see flaws in this "wanting to get back together bit." If you had problems such as him dicking around with some other girl while you were dating.. then why go back through the pain and heart ache? I've been in ... sigh.. 5 relationships.. I have not screwed around when in them. So if you keep telling yourself "oh it's just how guys think" - well you are setting yourself up for a long road. There is temptation and there is acting on that temptation..
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What happened with that girl is I became friends with her and he backed off. Plus we all worked together and I was made redundant, so I dont see how they are now. But she is happily in love with her guy and is moving to New Zealand in Feb next year. So even if we did get back together, I wouldnt have to worry about it as I dont work with them anymore.
And he stated time and time again, not just to me, but to other people that she was a friend and nothing more. He never found her attractive in the slightest.
 
I said I wasnt a friend with benefits and all he wanted was a booty-call and this really upset him. He didnt get angry, just upset, saying it wasnt like that and he would never do that to me. So I asked why he had done those things and he said he didnt know, but he would never, ever use me in any way
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Get yourself help. Looks like you can't do it alone to be able to distance yourself from him. You did a good job in telling him off, but you now need to end talking with him.

Sorry, this didn't work out for you, but now he's in the .. "I can get whatever I want from her still.. and all I have to do is show some fake 'care' "

This is my opinion.. but he doesn't love you. I can tell you that now.
 
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SapphireStar said:
I do want him to come back and yes I do still love him and Im beyond attracted to him. But I would never do that friends with benefits. Part of me is wondering if I did sleep with him, would he have come back if friends with benefits isnt what he wanted? I dont know. He did say he did still want to be friends whilst I was angry at him last night.

I want to sit down and talk to him about what happened cause we never did. Its like he wanted to avoid the subject of us.
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Well, I don't know the situation as well because I haven't seen it in person, but it would see to me that he isn't trying to be friends with benefits with you. I really think he's just missing an important part of his life now, even if he did breakup with you, he's missing a big piece of his life. Like I said, guys will think this way, it's not intentional but our minds are very fragile after a breakup. But I don't think that sleeping with him will get him to be friends. I mean, should you really have to sleep with him to be his friend? If he doesn't want to be friends, sleeping with him won't change that.

Sitting down and talking to him is definitely a good idea. He may not know how you feel, and being direct with him is the best thing. No matter how long he wants to avoid the subject, he'll have to cave in and accept hearing you out.
 
Thanks guys. To quickly update:

We never met in the end. I think it was due to me getting upset and angry at him over this, plus he needed to take his gran to hosptial alot. I told him I wasnt a person who did the friends with benefits thing and he got very upset saying he would never, ever use me in anyway and that wasnt his intention. i asked what was his intention and he said he didnt know, I probably hated him and said he would leave me alone. I told him I didnt, but he didnt talk to me for afew days.

Then he starts texting and sending FB msgs saying he was going to change his number and it was up to me if I wanted it and still wanted to be friends. I ignored it as I was angry at him for going on about this tarty rock star he wanted to fuck. He got angry and started sending loads of texts demanding he answer me, so he was bothered about staying friends with me. I told him ok then, then we chatted bout his grans op.

After that I heard nothing for 3 days. Then I seen he had added his previous ex, whom he was slagging off to me 3 days before and he hated her, she hated me! I was so upset and he sent a "hey X" text. We had a huge text fight, he was calling me names cause I was upset over it, said he was deleteing me from fb and wasnt getting my new number. Well I deleted him from fb, all his dirty texts and photos and went to calm down.

I returned to my phone after I had a big cry 15 minutes later to discover 5 msgs from him. He had deleted her and apologised. Said he knew I couldnt be a friend and if I wanted my £30 back fro Rocky Horror I would have to meet him. I replied asking why he deleted her when he said it was none of my business. He said if having her as a friend meant not talking to me, then she had to go. He would rather speak to me then her. I couldnt believe it, that said to me he clearly does care about me still.

We then agreed to go see RH together and yet again, he sent dirty texts over a 6 hour period!! He was working, so thats why it was that long lol. Kept talking about the photos he had of me were better then any porn site cause there were of me and how he still wanted to sleep with me. I told him I couldnt cause he knew how I felt and I would feel like crap afterwards. Told him I had a 1 night stand in the past and was disgusted with myself. He said he understood, but wouldnt be a 1 nightstand as we're friends. I said no, then he said it was my call. If I ever changed my mind he was a phone call away!

I was so upset. I told my best friend and gran and they said its flattering that he is still attracted to me, but at the same time wouldnt be fair on me. Part of me wanted to, but the other half is standing her ground. I wont win him back that way. I dont know what he wants from me. He knows I still love him, but I dont know how he feels.
 
Yeah it would be hard.

Girls tend to think that if they sleep with the guy they like, or in your case, with their ex, that they'll win them over/back.

But if that's all the guy wants, which he is making perfectly clear to you, then you just have to move on. =/

You're only hurting yourself by holding onto all these little threads of hope that always end up meaning nothing in the end.

He's trying to pull you in but you can't let him.

If he wants you he would be sending you much more loving texts rather then the dirty kind. =/ It's obvious what he wants from you.

And he was obviously trying to make you jealous with that whole ex girlfriend thing on facebook. He wants you to come crawling back to him because it will make him feel special or something stupid along those lines.

I have a friend who went through this once and she thought that sleeping with her ex after they had broken up would make him feel different towards her, and perhaps they would get back together.

But guys are much more straight forward and when he told her that all they were doing was having sex, he meant it.

It only crushed her more in the end. She had no boyfriend and she was being used by the one she loved but didn't love her in return. =/

Don't do that to yourself.

To be honest, this ex of yours is sounding more like a dick every time you post in here. If he were decent, he would be your friend or just leave you alone.

He says he wants to be your friend and then he sends you mixed messages with his texts. That's just a tad fucked up in my opinion. =/
 
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Well I told him I only sleep with people Im in a relationship with. And we have an understanding now, that we are just friends. Not friends with benefits.

He has invited me to the Trafford Center for dinner this evening, said he will pay for it. So everyone is telling me to go. Bit freaked out as its now 2 months to the say we broke up and he wants to take me to dinner to the place we use to go to on our monthly aniversary.
 
I think the idea of going to a place with my ex that we used to go to for our anniversary's would make me very uncomfortable. Because of the way my mind works, I tend to my memories together with music and location, and because of that, it would be too uncomfortable for me and I wouldn't go. But I don't really see a major problem in, I just know I operate differently than most. I'd say you'd have to use your best judgement. Plain and simple, if it makes you too uncomfortable, then I'd say try to find a new location, preferably a place where you wouldn't have sentimental attachment.
 
Well we went and it was an odd evening. We were both flirty and nervous round each other and he was kinda touchy feely, moving me gently out of the way for people or poking me or stroking my back ... yeah ... then as a joke I gave hima quick kiss on the lips. I knew I shouldnt have done it. He then said "If youre going to do it, do it properly" and grabbed me for a huge snog. I pulled away and said I wasnt doing that. He said he knew how I felt about it and respected my wishes. Said he wanted me as a friend and anything else was a bonus.

He paid for my meal and we shopped around some more. Then he took me to a local supermarket, to get bits and bobs. Dumb as it sounds we use to do that after we went to The Trafford Center lol. So then he drove the long way home, which is my fav way home from his asit was thriough countryside. The quicker way is motorway. And when he dropped me off he gave me a big hug and said he would see me soon. I havent heard from him since, and I was told to leave him be for now.

The snog upset me as he knows I love him, yet I have no idea how he feels about me. I dont think its just lust, I do think he still loves me deep down. He kept talking about random stuff when we were together and how when I was nervous I talked fast, which I was doing and I noticed he kept bumping into me. Something he did before we first got together.

I dunno.
 
He probably still loves you, or rather has really strong sexual/emotional feelings towards you, but he also wants just sex from you. It's an odd thing, to treat sex and love as two separate entities, but we males do it all the time. Sex without love is empty. You'll regret it, he'll regret it. Understand that when he says "I want sex but you're still a friend" that means that he wants sex and you're still a friend. Until he says the words "I love you" don't even think about having sex with him. Try to avoid kissing him on the lips, or kissing him in general. He knows how you feel, so now's the time to figure out how he feels.
 
I just keep thinking Ive been a fool for thinking he still loves me. His 5 year plan doesnt include a relationship. He said hes happy with his friends and how he is at the moment. Hes started working out and I commented that I liked his chest the way it was. He said he didnt and was doing it for himself. That kinda hurt. I dont think he'll come back to me and its still raw. I havent heard from him today and I think hes going to try and avoid me now.
 
I think the biggest thing I notice now is that you're both confused as to what to do next. I mean, playfully kissing someone on the lips isn't something that friends do, neither is the snog. Yes, being a bundle of nerves will make you do crazy things.

I think his wanting to work out is something he's going to try to do to kill some time, now that you and him aren't together anymore. It's possible that the breakup is making him lack confidence in himself, and this is what he's going to do to bring some confidence back (lacking confidence in thinking he's unattractive). But if he is making an effort to face the facts and realize he's single again, then maybe it's time for you to do the same and start looking for someone else.
 
It's really hard to give advice because everyone is different. They think, react and behave differently.

But I just love what Kandy said:

Kandy-Sugar said:
My ex boyfriend Blake ran a mile from me and I didn't even get a chance to say how I really felt in the end. =/

Either way he will still do it if he doesn't feel the same unfortunately.

I know it's easy to say such things and harder to do them, but you really need to be a lot stronger.

If I had of done this I would have gotten out of a lot of crap with guys a lot sooner than later. <_<

Don't feel like he is the one who is going to make the decision for you.

You'll only end up wasting your precious time and may only come to find a few months later that he still isn't ready for you. =/

I know it seems easy for someone to say, 'Go out and have fun with your girlfriends and such.' but really it's such a hard thing to do when you can't stop thinking about him and wondering if he'll take you back.

But whether you're out trying to be happy or at home sulking, he's still going to be the same person.

It really is unfair when people do this kind of thing to you. I know how hard and upsetting it can be.

I was sulking over my ex for around 5 months and I still had times during the start of my current relationship where I get upset about it. =/

If you get your feelings out in the open you'll feel a lot better.
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It's so hard to do because it's easier to believe what we want to believe.

If it's any help, and so you might have a different perspective on this, I've experienced something freakishly similar to your story. It took a lot of time (3 months to be specific) and effort. There were times when we cooled off, because in situations like these, I don't think you can rush anything or anyone. He was oversensitive and hot-headed while I was pushy and impatient. It took us a while to stop arguing constantly and find our middle ground.

If you wish to continue trying to be with him, take it slow and live for the moment, just like what he's doing. The next 5 years don't have to be planned out right now. More often than not, that just ruins the 'getting back together' process. Let him and yourself fall in love. Just like the first time it happened for both of you. Stop expecting and stop worrying. Things like these really need time and patience to unfold. :gasp: Eventually, it was him who asked me for an official relationship.

...at least, that's how I went on about it. I do hope things work out eventually for you, no matter what you decide to do. You'll be able to tell in time whether what you're doing is worth it or not.
 
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I havent heard from him since Thursday, the last day I seen him. Usually he texts me once a day, even though weve been apart for 2 months, its his routine. But Ive heard nothing from him at all. I think hes doing the whole "Im giving you space" thing again. Im so sick of that. He clearly just wants me as a friend, so I feel like a fool for trying to hope he'll come back.

I seen my friend from work the other day who had got caught up in a rumor at work that she was seeing my ex! Which isnt possible as she is dating a guy and she would never ever do that and I know she wouldnt. She said to me, from her point of view, he wont come back. And it was like I was punched in the stomach. I wasnt expecting her to say that. It shocked me. She apologised when she seen I was upset and told me I had to accept that he wasnt coming back so I wouldnt be heartbroken later on.

I was also told he was approaching girls at work saying he was lonely! I was so angry when I was told this. Im lonely, I cry myself to sleep still and I still do lvoe him, but I dont go telling guys Im lonely!? Why do that?! Im so pissed at him for that behaviour. Im suffering and he knows I still love him and want to give us another go, and yet he goes round work looking for someone to give him company.

It messing my head and heart up and I actually thought of doing something stupid the other day. I clearly cannot cope as a single person, I cant. I found out my ex from 3 years ago, who dumped me after 3 years for some girl, is still with her! But lies awake at night thinking about me and if Im ok. Said he thinks about me alot and actually said since we broke up, his life has become shit! What the hell!!! I havent heard from him in 3 years and thats what Im greeted with! As if Im not confused and messed up enough, that happens.

Im sorry guys, I cant cope at the moment and feel like Im going to snap.
 
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