Serious Can an ex really be a friend?

SapphireStar

SapphireStar

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Well as you know, Im no longer in a relationship. Now me and my ex were friends before we dated and we flirted quite abit with each other. Now my ex has said he does see me as a friend and still wants to know me even though he messed things up with us. He said that would never change.

He texts me usually once a day about something random, like games and films and always puts a x at the end of each one. He invited me to still go and see Rocky Horror Picture Show performance with him in December. We were going together anyway when we were together, but when we spilt I had asked for the money back. But now he said he will give me the cash back, but still wants me to go with him. I said to take his mum, but he said no I was asked first and he would rather take me.

Now we dont work together, people are saying it will be good for us cause we wont see each other all the time and he will start to miss me hopefully. He gave me a lift home the other day, I gave him a peck on the cheek and as I got out of the car, he pulled me back in and gave me a big bear hug. He told me to text him whenever I wanted and he would be down like a shot and we could always hang out together.

So that night I asked if he wanted to go shopping next week and I got a quick reply saying name the time and place. Im a big bag of nerves about it! I dont know why. I mean we dated for a year, so why am I nervous. I still do love him.

Im trying not to get my hopes up with us, but I do want him back. Its nearly been a month since we broke up and he did say when we spilt he did love me, but couldnt make him happy. My family and friends are being very posertive and supportive with it, but have told me to take it 1 day at a time.
 
I'd normally say it'd depend on the circumstance by which you broke up, but at least you guys have kept it on a positive note. It seems like it's becoming as cute as it was to begin with, yes? It's the most captivating part of a relationship, but don't let it mislead you. As your friends are saying: take it one day at a time and don't presume anything about what may or may not happen. If you can, take on a neutral state of mind about it all, though I appreciate that'll be hard if you both still have feelings for one another.

I have to admit though... it does seem a bit strange how you're getting on the way you are despite having broken up. >_>
 
It kinda became a friendship towards the end. We werent physical anymore and I believed this to be due to his depression. And he admitted that played a big part in it. His depression was pushing us apart, but when we were together, we were playful and had a laugh.

At first I was angry at him cause I thought it could have been fized, but I wasnt 100% happy with us. Then I didnt accept it 100%, but I just knew there was nothing I could do to convience him to stay. His depression was making him worse and his gran has just been diagnoised with breast cancer again and he knew he couldnt make me happy at that moment in time.

His behaviour has been posertive towards me and he has been nothing but nice. But he started smoking again recently, but he gave it up for me when we first started dating. He seen how much it upset me and he stopped again, but he said it was because it was expensive and said it made him smell. I dunno, he stopped the day after he seen me upset about it.

The balls in his court really. But I dont think he knows I still love him, I didnt tell him when we broke up.
 
From my experience, an ex could never ever be a friend.

This is due to them all breaking up with me in the most disgusting ways imaginable.

I never saw any of them ever again after the break up.

In my opinion, it's too hard to be friends after a relationship. You've been through too much together and the only reason ex's would try to remain friends in my opinion is because one of them is being pressured into 'still being friends' while the other one secretly hopes they'll get back together.

Or they remain friends just so that they can still have sex, while one of them secretly hopes that this will bring the other one back into a relationship.

That's what I have witnessed.

There has never been a case from what I have seen in which a couple can simply remain friends.

It becomes too hard when they see each other dating and such and then the feelings come out again and ultimately kill whatever thread of a friendship they had left. =/

I think what you both need is time apart. He obviously needs to sort himself out, and then maybe once you are both more independent you can see if you can work something out.
 
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Sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out SS. I guess with the way things were going, it may have been best for the both of you to move on, but I'm still sorry to hear the bad news.

So can you still be friends after a break-up? In my experience, it was never a good idea. I suppose with one of my ex's it would probably work out as a friendship, but I think for the feelings we had for each other at some point in time, it would turn out to be disasterous in time. The thing is, it may seem to work for now, but there will be a point when one of you will start to feel something for the other again, and the other won't feel the same way. This is tough because someone will end up getting hurt, then the friendship will never work after that. Another scenerio that will pan out is if one of you has a relationship again. This will either make the other jealous or the other will get pushed out of the their life in favor of spending more time with their new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Like Kandy says, spending some time apart will be best for both of you. The time right after a relationship ends tends to be a sensitive time for both, a time where feelings can be hurt very easily and small level gratification tends to happen easily. I personally, never get into anothe relationship right after I've broken up because even if I wanted the relationship to end, I know I'm not in the right frame of mind, so I take a little timeout from dating and having crushes and such for my own security. You're both very vulnerable right now, keep that in mind.

From what I had gathered from other threads about your relationship, it seemed you weren't 100% happy, like you said. Naturally, there are always disagreements in relationships, so don't think that a few small arguments make a relationship bad, it happens to everyone. You would mention how jealous you were of the way he acted at times. This can be translated a few ways. It means that you really love him and don't want to see him get taken away from you or in some way you resent his personality and feel he's not trustworthy. I've had ex's in time that were very jealous by nature, and I know it really annoyed me that they would look at small reasons to get jealous at, but that's only if it's as extreme as they were. The thing is, you feel like you lost someone important in your life, and you feel insecure and want him back in it. It's natural that you feel like you still love him, but if he's breaking up with you for his said depression reasons, then you would have to wait for his feelings to run their course. In other words, depression is his excuse for breaking up with you, if his depression passes and he still doesn't want the relationship, then it's safe to say there was more to it then just that. I'm not trying to bum you out or anything, but there very well might be more to it than that.

I think I may sound confusing now, but hopefully you understand. With a little time apart, you may start to realize that you can live without him, then you'll know for sure that you no longer love him, and you can both move on with your lives. Being friends can work, but won't in most cases for the reasons I mentioned. I'm not saying it's impossible, but at least give it a break and see how you feel after that. You'll find happiness again hun, so pick yourself up and move on.
 
But last night was werid. He hadnt texted me during the day, so I asked how his new game was. It was innocent untill he mentioned a character in a naughty nurse outfit and I said as a joke I would look good in one. Thats when it went werid. He started to send me dirty texts and naked photos of himself, saying he was doing stuff whilst looking at photos of me on his computer! But he sent one of him, his face and I melted again and I said how fit (good looking, hot) he was and he said I was too. Then after he did his thing, he went back to chatting normal and told me to go to bed as it was late!! It wasnt a nasty text, but more of a concerned one as it was gone 1am. But every text and photo had a kiss at the end of it.

Im confused, it started as a little joke from me and then turned into a steam session over texts and photos! He said he wants me to return the favour to him cause I couldnt send any photos to him. But I dont want to be a sex buddy, thats not me. Ive never done that before and I dont remember him saying he had done it either. And we told each other everything when we dated. Except 2 weeks before we dated he went to the movies with an ex he really did like and they ended up spending the night together. And the next day she ****** him off and he was very upset over it. But then he said she wasnt worth it and then we were able to get together, I was in another relationship at the time he did that.

But where is this going? Does he just want sex from me or is it somehow a good sign? I didnt expect any of that to happen last night. It has confused me and I havent heard from him yet today. We are meant to be meeting up Tuesday or Thursday this week, Im nervous and scared he'll cancel.

I really do want him back. People saying the whole redundance thing will help as we wont see each other unless we meet up. So thats time apart isnt it? He sends a few texts a day about random stuff like movies and games I like. But last night was so werid. Ive never had an ex do that before.
 
:hmmm:

Well, I would think if he broke up with you because he felt like he couldn't make you happy, then attempt to make you physically happy makes me question if that was really the reason at all. All the more reason to spend time apart, to prevent the friends with benefits thing from happening. The thing is, he seeks immediate gratification, which sex can provide, but as you said, you don't want that. I think that would open a whole other can of worms. When you 2 do go out on Tuesday or Thursday, stand your ground and don't give in if he tries to make an advance.

I sort of went through this with an ex recently too. An ex ended up finding me online after we hadn't spoken for 8 years. She ended up coming over my place and we had sex that night. It was awful, truth be told. I had no feelings for her anymore and it was sort of something that just happened. I knew then I had to cut all ties again, it was going a direction I didn't want it to. I managed to let her down gently, then she tells me she wants to be friends with benefits. :ffs: So I told her it wasn't going to happen. I never felt so uncomfortable when intimate before. The biggest difference with your situation is that it just ended and feelings may still exist, as opposed to being 8 years removed. So like I said, stand your ground and resist all the urges.


EDIT: Actually, Kandy totally hit on something I completely forgot to mention. A man may act tough on the outside, but most men are real softies on the inside, they just never express it. I know I had weird thoughts going through my head after a break-up, mainly because I felt awful and just didn't know what to do next. A man's mind is very fragile when it comes to love. They may not express it, but they cry a river on the inside. It's a terrible feeling really. Even the times I did break-up when I was good with it, I still felt like something wasn't right. That's why in my first post on this thread I mentioned that I always take time off from dating after a break-up because my mind is all out of sorts, and I think that's the case with most men as well. So yeah, he needs a little more time to cope with the pain and learn to fight through his empty-feeling and move on. So his stangeness is unintentional I think, but he'll come around eventually.
 
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When I broke up with my first real boyfriend, he went all weird on me too, just like how you're saying your ex is acting now.

My ex, (Blake) was all weird at the end of the relationship and didn't want to do anything physical anymore.

However, the week after we broke up, he started to send me text messages asking me what I was wearing, telling me that he wanted to have sex with me and he even went on MySpace and wrote on my page how special I was because I was his first etc. <_<

Though he was the one who broke up with me. 0_o

He asked if I wanted to come over to watch a movie and tried to get my hopes up that something might work out.

Though I stood my ground and said that I couldn't come over that night because I was with a friend.

Then he got the shits that I 'ditched him' and started to stalk me, show up at my house and do burn outs on my front lawn, and would call me saying nasty things and calling me nasty names etc.

I would try to be more careful and tell him what it is you want and if he doesn't want the same thing, whether it be a relationship or a friendship, then it won't work.

I wanted to get back with Blake, but he was only telling me what I wanted to hear so that he could use me as a sex buddy, which thankfully never happened because I wasn't that stupid enough to let him hurt me again.

Most boys are manipulative like that. They know that we will give in and have sex and do what they want if there is the tiniest hope that we may be able to call them our boyfriend again.

=/

I hope it works out for you. But really it is a bit weird that he is now trying to get intimate with you (even if it is just texting) when he had all that time during the relationship to do such things.

In my opinion he doesn't know what he wants, and it isn't fair for him to confuse you like that hun.
 
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Thanks guys. What annoys me is that I encouraged him. I went along with the texts cause it was attention from him. But deep down I knew it was wrong. He sent me a txt asking how I was yesturday and I told him I was at a friends, alittle drunk. Then he said he was drunk also. And I was angry at him, he never got drunk cause he said he wasnt a drinker. Plus I was scared he was going to cop off with another woman cause we werent togther anymore.

When he dumped me, he did say he was confused and didnt know if he wanted to end it. He has his depression and his gran is very, very ill. So he said he couldnt handle a relationship at the mo, but he was confused. I didnt beg or plead, I just excepted it to end, which through him off abit.

I keep thinking he may want to come back, but Ive never had this happen before and I dont want to get used like that. Its not a good sign is it?
 
I think you should be upfront with how you feel to be honest.

You said that:

I didnt beg or plead, I just excepted it to end, which through him off abit.
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I think that you should just let him know how you feel just so that you feel better about the whole break up.

You never know, he may save himself for you for when he finally does get better and more confident about what he wants to do.

If he thinks that you're not really into him anymore, he may just go off with anyone in order to get over you, if he is in fact still in love with you.

I'm not saying that you should wait by the phone, or push away any decent guy that will make you happy.

Just let him know that at the moment you are still in love with him and that you will wait a while, but not forever, because your happiness matters as well as his.

At least you'll feel better about getting all those feelings off your chest, and you'll know that if he doesn't come running after you, well then he obviously doesn't feel the same way and you deserve better.

You can't wait forever. You'll find yourself getting older and having nothing. No partner, no children etc.

To be honest, this break up sounds like it ended up pretty messy.

Your feelings weren't clear to him at the end, he didn't know what he wanted, and now he's sending you texts he should have been sending you while you were together.

He may have not even been drunk that night. He may have said it just so that he didn't feel left out, or seem like he was missing you. =/ Guys are funny like that.

This is just my opinion. I hope you figure this out soon. <3
 
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Simply replying to the OP's question; as Saix said, I think it really depends on the circumstances of the breakup.

Can't say for myself I've ever really been forgiving of the circumstances that have occurred with people I've been with, but I have never really wanted to be their friends again.

I mean if its like I see them out some place in public or some such, or someone brings them along with us for something, sure, why not? As long as they aren't bugging me and I'm not bothered by their presence, I don't mind keeping someone at a distance.

Personally, from reading what you've said, I'd probably just leave things where they are right now for a while (like a few weeks, maybe more than a month), make some observations, and move on from there.

I know how depression can be, and if its bad enough to push me away from someone, I really don't think that things will ever work out.
 
SapphireStar said:
Im scared to tell him in case he runs a mile from me. But I want him to know.
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My ex boyfriend Blake ran a mile from me and I didn't even get a chance to say how I really felt in the end. =/

Either way he will still do it if he doesn't feel the same unfortunately.

I know it's easy to say such things and harder to do them, but you really need to be a lot stronger.

If I had of done this I would have gotten out of a lot of crap with guys a lot sooner than later. <_<

Don't feel like he is the one who is going to make the decision for you.

You'll only end up wasting your precious time and may only come to find a few months later that he still isn't ready for you. =/

I know it seems easy for someone to say, 'Go out and have fun with your girlfriends and such.' but really it's such a hard thing to do when you can't stop thinking about him and wondering if he'll take you back.

But whether you're out trying to be happy or at home sulking, he's still going to be the same person.

It really is unfair when people do this kind of thing to you. I know how hard and upsetting it can be.

I was sulking over my ex for around 5 months and I still had times during the start of my current relationship where I get upset about it. =/

If you get your feelings out in the open you'll feel a lot better.

I would suggest not doing it by text though. They always pretend not to get those kind of texts in situations like these and then it makes you too nervous to repeat yourself again. <_< And the last thing you want is to make yourself look desperate by asking him if he got it or not.

Either call him or do it face to face so that he has to give you some sort of answer then and there.
 
We're meant to be meeting up sometime this week to go shopping together. So I'll say something then. Ive wanted to say it for so long and its driving me insane. Im scared that once Ive told him, he wont want to know me anymore.
 
Well, we may not be meeting up as he is busy this week. And my mum made me text him that I love him, so I did. I needed to do it. He said he knew and dont worry he wasnt going to freak out. So he knows and Im happy Ive done it now. I needed to say something in case it was too late. But I dont know what will happen.
 
It's all become glaringly obvious [to me, at least...]. Your relationship wasn't meant to end; he needed a hiatus from the world to cope with his problem(s) at that time. Honestly, I think the best thing you could do is sit down with him, talk about what happened, and let him know you understand completely what his issue was and why he was confused. He just needed a break, that's all. ;p

It sounds as though you two are in a position to get back again... though... when you text him saying you love him, did he not say it back?
 
Just don't get played. It makes the world go round these days. If you feel like balancing on one leg to see if the relationship will go again.. then try it, otherwise you need some help ending it. When your heart is involved and his isn't... well you got yourself a problem.

I'm not going to say the painfully obvious.. but its very possible he had a lot of pint of sexual emotions towards the end of your relationship. He might be getting it all out of him right now.. like you said.. he rubbed one out while texting you.

To each their own I guess.. but I see flaws in this "wanting to get back together bit." If you had problems such as him dicking around with some other girl while you were dating.. then why go back through the pain and heart ache? I've been in ... sigh.. 5 relationships.. I have not screwed around when in them. So if you keep telling yourself "oh it's just how guys think" - well you are setting yourself up for a long road. There is temptation and there is acting on that temptation..

If he has abandonment issues.. well you have to look at it like a psychiatrist then..

A lot sounds wrong here. I'm just saying, unless you fear that this is it for the dating circuit and you don't think you could do better.. well hang in there.. and see what happens.

So just being friends is all you need to be and yes.. I think it is possible. I have 2 ex's who I have no resentment for nor want as to jump their bones.. just have to lay it out there, that friends... and only friends..
 
Simply, it can work - but you both need to be able to put your feelings to one side and talk as friends to make it not awkward.

Minus 1 of my ex's I talk to all my ex's and infact 2 of them are my best and closest friends now..

You just have to be able to put the past aside and move on with the world and flow of things.
 
I actually disagree with some of the replies here, I don't think waiting for him to come around is a good idea. Call me a hopeless romantic, but wouldn't 2 people in love stick together through the thick and thin of a relationship? I mean, I understand he's feeling awful because his gran is sick, but I always saw that as a time to connect and bond with my girlfriend, a crucial time in a relationship that shows it will withstand the test of time. I mean (and this is a hypothetical situation in which you 2 are married) if god forbid something happened to a family member that resulted in death, would you split-up temporarily until the pain went away? I know that whenever any of my ex's went through a crisis, I always wanted to be the person they go to, to seek comfort. It's possible he felt like you wouldn't give him that comfort he seeked, and that's the reason he called it off.

I also don't think he'll just jump into bed with another woman because of the break-up. That comes as a result anger from a bad breakup, which your relationship didn't result in. And also, he would have evaded you as much as possible if he had intentions of doing such a thing, so I think he's proved that he's not just looking for revenge sex. And, contrary to popular belief, a man won't strive for revenge sex every time a relationship ends. The "all men are pigs" belief is a myth, not to say it never happens, but it happens less frequently than people realize.

As I've said before, I'm not saying being friends will never work, but there is a lot to think about and consider. And it takes a lot of factors for such a situation to work. As my friends on this forum know, I'm a numbers person, and the numbers as far as percentages go are really slim for this to work. I think it's too risky myself, but anything can happen, but I wouldn't want to see you get hurt more than you already are.
 
Saïx said:
It sounds as though you two are in a position to get back again... though... when you text him saying you love him, did he not say it back?
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No, he didnt. He said "I know. Dont worry I wont freak out x." He said it when we broke up and its been a month now. Im wondering if its no longer true.

Again, last night got a bit steamy. And he wanted to know if I would have sex with him. And I went nuts. I said I wasnt a friend with benefits and all he wanted was a booty-call and this really upset him. He didnt get angry, just upset, saying it wasnt like that and he would never do that to me. So I asked why he had done those things and he said he didnt know, but he would never, ever use me in any way. Then said he wont speak to me again as I probably hate him. I ignored him for awhile and he kept texting saying he was sorry, do I hate him, etc.

So I told him I didnt hate him, but I felt like a complete idiot and I was confused by his behaviour. So he apologised again and said he wont bother me againg. And that was at 11pm last night. I havent heard anything since.

I do want him to come back and yes I do still love him and Im beyond attracted to him. But I would never do that friends with benefits. Part of me is wondering if I did sleep with him, would he have come back if friends with benefits isnt what he wanted? I dont know. He did say he did still want to be friends whilst I was angry at him last night.

I want to sit down and talk to him about what happened cause we never did. Its like he wanted to avoid the subject of us.
 
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