Anxiety Disorder

[Catnip]

I found out just recently that I have an anxiety disorder. I've been suffering from it my entire life, childhood included. I have alopecia as well, which isn't major. You can't tell I have it. But I have my entire life.

My relationships are all going down hill. Especially the one with my boyfriend, which hurts me so much. He's still here, and that's important to me, but it's getting to be a bit much for him. We've been together 8 months. His love for me is fading.

Anyways, I don't want to take medication. I don't even want to fight it, since that fucks with my self-esteem a bit. Fighting it is me not accepting and even hating something that is essentially who I am. So I want to use it as a weapon, if that makes sense, and utilize it.

How do you guys think I can do that? I need to do something about this. I was having an episode today, and I wanted to kill myself. I'm god damn 19 years old and felt like I had nothing going for me and I had nothing to look forward to. Not to mention this whole thing with my boyfriend. All I want is to be held and feel loved again, you know? Not in a weak way, but in a way that encourages strength in me. But I'm losing that, so.

Help? Would utilizing it even be a good idea if its possible?

 

[Omegadruid]

I disagree that it is a good idea. The disorder is obviously dangerous and its unnatural its not part of who you are its a mistake per se. Its not part of who you are, that is the wrong thought. Imagine if everybody thought like you. Imagine people with cancer saying that , nobody would treat themselves, its basically suicide. By fighting it you are not hating yourself , you are loving yourself because you want to get better and the self esteem concern is contradictory, you are thinking the wrong way(Explained in the following example).

I wish I could support you in this but you have it all wrong. You must fight your disease not embrace it. And the thing is if you are trying to protect your self esteem the right thing to do would be treatment because if you do not treat it you will have more episodes where you will want to hurt yourself thus having 0 self esteem(By choosing to keep the disease you are choosing pain not life thus contradicting your idea of preserving self esteem). I dont know the reasons your boyfriend apparently is stopping to love you but if it is because you have those problems he is not worthy of you. There is a whole world out there for you dont get stuck in one relationship, do not blame yourself for something that is not to blame in you.

 

[Catnip]

I disagree that it is a good idea. The disorder is obviously dangerous and its unnatural its not part of who you are its a mistake per se. Its not part of who you are, that is the wrong thought. Imagine if everybody thought like you. Imagine people with cancer saying that , nobody would treat themselves, its basically suicide. By fighting it you are not hating yourself , you are loving yourself because you want to get better and the self esteem concern is contradictory, you are thinking the wrong way(Explained in the following example).

I wish I could support you in this but you have it all wrong. You must fight your disease not embrace it. And the thing is if you are trying to protect your self esteem the right thing to do would be treatment because if you do not treat it you will have more episodes where you will want to hurt yourself thus having 0 self esteem(By choosing to keep the disease you are choosing pain not life thus contradicting your idea of preserving self esteem). I dont know the reasons your boyfriend apparently is stopping to love you but if it is because you have those problems he is not worthy of you. There is a whole world out there for you dont get stuck in one relationship, do not blame yourself for something that is not to blame in you.

The thing is, I feel that this is who I am. I've always been this way for as long as I can possibly remember, and I can remember as far back as 3. At 5, I worried about money even. This is what I know and this is what I'm accustomed to. If not utilize it, then at least mend it, I think. Tone it down. I guess medication can do that, but I want that to be a last resort.

 

[Gabe]

A close friend of mine's older sister had major anxiety problems where she'd be afraid to drive, leave the house, stay home alone or meet new people. She found some medication that worked for her, (not sure what it was) but pretty much all of those problems are gone now and she can drive everywhere and go where she wants, hang out with tons of people and is pretty satisfied. Unfortunately, her 'pattern' of prescription medication is HEAVILY affecting her diet and she can only eat like 50% of common foods. I'd compare her required diet to one of a diabetic.

But that might be a different case and I'm not sure how medication works... If you want to try to get rid of it, I'd say checking in with a psychiatrist or doctor and figuring out what should be done would be a really good bet. I sometimes have days where I feel like what you described in your original post. I'm not sure if I have anxiety problems, but a remedy for me is to have a big cup of coffee and hang out with some friends I love and can have a happy time with. But don't take me all too seriously, find a professional.

I can personally tell you that I don't know a single person who has/had anxiety problems and didn't figure out how to bypass or overcome them, even temporarily. So you'll find a way as long as you're digging deep for solutions.

 

[CassinoChips]

If you've had the disorder your entire life, how can you be sure that who you are now is actually who you are supposed to be? If you didn't have the disorder, you may have reacted to certain instances in your life differently. Maybe the disorder has masked your true personality.

If you have the flu, you take medicine. If you have an infection, you take antibiotics. If you have strep throat, you take amoxicilin. The brain is just another part of your body.

 

[Big Casino]

Definitely see the doctor. You can get prescribed beta blockers. Propanalol is a non addictive medication thats specifically given out to people with anxiety. When i got some bad news a while back my head was all over the place and i was a nervous wreck. The tablets which i mentioned above are taken as soon as you start to feel anxious, nervous etc and they worked amazingly well. Getting prescribed the likes of diazepam is really difficult as its addictive and doctors arent so keen to hand it out unless they're sure that you actually need them. This medication however they have no issues prescribing you.

Your condition sounds a lot more serious than my own. Mines was a temporary thing, which ive got under control now. Those tablets are definitely worth asking your doctor about but you should maybe think about seeing a councilor or something like that. Its something that no one wants to do but it can definitely help. Its not for everyone i suppose but if you want to change then you have to make the effort and seek help from professionals. Dealing with stuff like this on your own is hard and it doesn't have to be hard. Take it in the chin and get help man.

 

[Sepalcure]

I know what you're going through, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder a while back. I've since gotten a book for it and I've been to a therapist to help me treat it; my uncle also had a bout for it and he's gotten treated for it--there are various little methods you can utilize to treat it (i.e: stress balls and Chinese meditation balls, which my uncle used to use on occasion works well-the melody they produce can soothe you, carry them in your pocket and just rotate them in your palm whenever you feel the onset of symptoms occur. Also if you can afford to get them from a health food store, taking Valerian root in capsule form in some juice really can comfort you and calm you. I will warn you that the smell isn't the most pleasant, lol, but I take it on occasion when I feel rather anxious. Take half of a 500 mg tablet in the evening or before you're doing a presentation--it really helps. If you don't feel comfortable with holistic medicine, which most people don't, then you can go the antidepressant route, any method that works for you is the one I would recommend. But really one of the best treatments for it is actually fighting it, not fighting it is the most counterproductive thing you could do. You can not let this disorder define you or take over your life, you have to fight it; I'm telling you from experience: there were days where I would fear leaving my house and I wouldn't even go out with my girls any more--it literally would take over my life. My mom didn't want to give me antidepressants and I was weary of it because some meds have adverse side effects and can effect your personality but as Lew mentioned there are other options on the market that can be beneficial to you. You can decide to take meds if you want to to help balance out the physiological effects of it but ultimately going outside and hanging out with friends and trying to redirect those nervous thoughts are some of the best tools that I can say will help you in tandem. SAD is a psychological disorder and it messes with your head; talking to a professional, possibly taking medication, if you feel comfortable the idea, and going out each day to combat those symptoms if the best thing for you.

As for your boyfriend, talk to him about this, let him know that you want his support. He should be supportive of you because SAD is pretty tough especially if it starts to leak into your interpersonal relationships. You may even want to educate him on it and let him know what you're going through, make him understand how it affects you and that you're making efforts to get help. I really hope that your seeking treatment goes successfully hon because I know firsthand that dealing with this is an absolute struggle. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Squid]

I'm not really sure how you could possible turn anxiety into a 'weapon' to be honest haha. Theres never a time when Anxiety can be a good thing.
I've never had that problem though so I guess I'm no expert.

Though I agree with what every one else has said really. Seek out some help. I can guarantee once you get some medication and it starts to work, you'll wish you'd done something sooner. You are not meant to live through life with disorders. That is why they're called disorders, and if you can change something for the better, why wouldn't you?

Things like anxiety and depression can also effect the way you act around other people, changing your relationships with them. It could be a factor into why your boyfriend is distancing himself from you? (maybe, I wouldn't know really I guess) Though it sucks that he's being this way when this is probably the time you need him most. Perhaps have a talk to him if you haven't already. When I am feeling down the one thing I want most is for someone I care for and who cares for me to give me a little support and attention and I think that's what you need too!

If you're at the point that you're thinking of suicide I think it's pretty obvious that you have to do something about it and that this anxiety thing is not really a part of who you are.

Good luck.

Edit: My avatar looks so horrible haha, I say all this stuff up there trying to be supportive and then there's my avatar, giving you the bird

 

[Catnip]

I can personally tell you that I don't know a single person who has/had anxiety problems and didn't figure out how to bypass or overcome them, even temporarily. So you'll find a way as long as you're digging deep for solutions.

I read that this morning, but didn't have time to reply, and it stuck with me all day long. It got me through today. I even thought of things that would typically have me panicking. I didn't even feel nervous about it, really. I was okay, because I allowed myself to be. I did cry earlier today from stressing out a bit on one other separate thing, but I didn't go so far into the worry to where I couldn't breathe, like I normally would.

So thank you. I set up an appointment this Thursday with my doctor and I'm going to see what I can do.

If you've had the disorder your entire life, how can you be sure that who you are now is actually who you are supposed to be? If you didn't have the disorder, you may have reacted to certain instances in your life differently. Maybe the disorder has masked your true personality.

If you have the flu, you take medicine. If you have an infection, you take antibiotics. If you have strep throat, you take amoxicilin. The brain is just another part of your body.

This is true, but it just so happens the brain is the brain of your body lol. I can see your point though. I'll see what my options are regarding medication.