Serious Am I being too critical?

[Rydia]

Ok, so my in laws recently had a baby. There babysitting/work schedule goes like this. The husband is a nurse works Saturday and Sunday for 12 hours. The wife is a teacher and works Mon-Fri normal school hours. Which ever one is not working babysits. Well the wife can't handle being home those two days alone with the baby and is always asking for a babysitter so she can take a four hour nap. The baby is 7 months old and sleeps through the night.

To me, she should be able to care for he own child for 24 hours during the week. Her husband has to babysit for much longer than her. The husband infact never gets time off or a baby sitter and he has to watch the baby for 40 hours a week.

I just recently learned that the wife might have adult attachment disorder and wants to be with the husband at all times. And one of her ways with coping with it is to sleep. So the reason that she wants a baby sitter all the time is so she can sleep because she just can't bear to be away from her husband. It's to the point that she will follow him around the house and decide when they both go to bed. She keeps begging him to change his work schedule so that they will be home together. If someone or something accidently wakes up her child, she will be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. She also has other psychological problems and will blow up in anger if she does not get her way.

When I learned this, I kind of had the thought "Should you really have had a kid if you can't take care of it by yourself for only 24 hours during the week?" I immediately felt bad after thinking that because I do love their daughter.

But I sort of don't approve of her habits. I haven't said anything and I am trying to mind my own business but it tends to come up a lot. Am I just being overly critical?

 

[blakstang98]

Nah, I think your concern is legit, Rydia. I mean, any mother worth her salt will have a tough time separating herself from the baby. If she's that in love with her husband to want to be with him all the time, that's certainly a good thing for their relationship. But to want to stay away from the baby to be with the husband, I think that's a mental disconnect. Mother's always want to be with their babies, sometimes to an obsessive level, so this story is odd to me. But she really needs to tend to her child more, otherwise that disconnect will always exist, even when the child becomes and adult.

 

[CassinoChips]

Yes and no. You're right for being concerned about the baby, as that's one of the more important things in the situation. But if she legitimately has a psychological issue, their habits are a secondary symptom of her mental health. She needs to be diagnosed, if she isn't already, and she needs treatment. That alone should go a long way in helping the situation.

 

[Rydia]

She is on anti depressants and has been for several years. Her husband thinks there is more going on though. They drive him crazy and last week he told us what was going on and looked like he was about to cry.

She also has a bit of a narssicistic personality. She goes on about how she needs to be herself, no matter how annoying it is at times, but when someone else tries to be theirself and it's a bit annoying, she whines and complains about it.

 

[MagicMasher]

I think your concerns are in the right place, and you're not being too critical. It looks to me you're making pretty spot-on deductions from what you know. While I agree people don't know how they're lives will change, or how they will change, or what is going to happen until after the child is born, they also need to realize that when you have a child it needs to be cared for until it can care for itself...especially in the infant years.

From what you said, it seems the behavior is to be expected. Even if a lot of her disorders are up in the air.

I don't agree with the immature bit; she takes care of kids all week, since she is a teacher. She, I would think, knows how to deal with and care for children to the extent and limit of her right as a teacher. On the same hand, she may be looking at caring for this child, even on just the weekends, as an extension of her job during the week - the thought of having to work a full seven days may be the reason she goes and sleeps and gets a baby sitter. The fact her husband is always caring for people, being a nurse, may be why he doesn't have a problem watching the child five days our of the seven days (or, it may just be because it is a, you know, fatherly instinct/duty...).

Regardless how she feels, she needs to step up and take over her responsibility as a mother. The mother is a crucial aspect in a child's life; if she wasn't ready to be one, then she shouldn't of had the kid, you know?

Semi-long post, and I may not have contributed anything, but I hope that helps in some way.

 

[Sum1sgruj]

I don't think you are being overly critical. And I don't agree with the 'attachment disorder'.
I think she may be overly controlling, and the baby is something she can't control to her liking.

 

[Noize]

I don't think you are being overly critical. And I don't agree with the 'attachment disorder'.
I think she may be overly controlling, and the baby is something she can't control to her liking.

Oddly enough, i agree with the above sttement. it makes sense, although i don't totally disagree with the disorder thing.

Post Natal Depression?

I can't say too much, i'm a noob in this area.

 

[Rydia]

I don't think you are being overly critical. And I don't agree with the 'attachment disorder'.
I think she may be overly controlling, and the baby is something she can't control to her liking.

You know, that actually does make a lot of sense. She does have overly controlling tendencies. And when she doesn't get her way, all hell breaks lose. It's to the point that I can only take her in small doses. And she is always "woe is me". I hear that she blows up several times a day at her husband and blames it on her new baby hormones. She is the first person I have ever met that has had post baby hormones that make her blow up at the smallest things.

And she thinks it's funny to put carts in the handicapped spots and say something innappropriate when a stranger walks by. A little childish to me because that's something I did when I was like 13.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

I'm surprised they went ahead and had another kid when they clearly aren't in the right position to take care of it.

It's unfair to their child who is being treated like a 'thing' that they need to take care of by the sounds of it and not want to take care of.

Why would they want to put themselves through something like this? It's sounds like this is the worst thing they could have done at this point in their lives.

You did say they were your inlaws? And your fiance is around your age, so to have a child at their age is kind of strange. =/

You'd think they'd just be wanting to spend time with each other now and if she really does have all these problems then why oh why did they think it was a good idea to have yet another child?

I really don't think you're being too critical.

They sound really silly to be quite honest. It sounds as though they may have had problems and they thought a child was the way to fix them all, when really they always make things worse. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I see way too much of this and it sounds like she had a few issues already that maybe they thought would go away if they had something new in their lives, like a baby? Correct me if I'm wrong. >.<

But yeah if my parents had a child right now I think I'd be sort of in 'WTF' mode.

They need time alone together, to enjoy each other. Not bring more stress upon themselves when they already have problems with the wife as it is. =/

 

[Rydia]

The husband is 30 and the wife is 28. I knew she was on anti depressants but I did not know about all her other issues before they had the child. She even said that the baby was putting strain on their relationship. And this is their first child. She wants two but I don't think that is a good idea. I don't think my fiance's parents or other siblings know about any of the other issues.

She does tend to have a Me me me me way about life.