I'm fighting a war. A war against spiders. Every night before bed, I check my sheets for them, shoe in hand, ready to brutally end their lives with way more force than necessary. Sometimes I find one and even if I kill it, I still can't go to sleep because it confirmed my fear that sometimes there are spiders waiting in my bed for me.
I used to pretend that I wasn't afraid of spiders. It made me feel cool - like I was braver than most people. If someone called me on my bluff and asked me to dispose of a spider, I would put on my battle-face and do my best to get rid of it without letting the panic bubble to the surface.
I don't pretend anymore.
Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary. Even if a spider was like
I'd be all
Sometimes when I express the hatred and fear I feel when I think of spiders, someone will be like "But spiders have families too!!" Like somehow that will make me become sympathetic and understanding toward spiders. But that's exactly the point. Spiders have families and their families are also spiders. We should kill spiders because they have families.
When I was younger, my mom would say "Sweetie, don't be afraid. You are way bigger than a spider." Well guess what, mom? I'm bigger than a grenade too. Were you trying to raise me to be some sort of unconquerable war-machine that isn't even afraid of grenades? If you were trying to do that, you failed. I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me - like bees and wolverines and centipedes. I'm even kind of afraid of ants a little bit.
Spiders are fucking scary. That is a universal truth. I don't know why. I don't need to know why. All I know is that when this:
comes crawling across the floor at me, my brain interprets it like this:
That is a spider with a swastika and the words "I KILL YOU" carved into its flesh and it has knives and guns strapped to its legs. That's how scary spiders are.
sauce
I used to pretend that I wasn't afraid of spiders. It made me feel cool - like I was braver than most people. If someone called me on my bluff and asked me to dispose of a spider, I would put on my battle-face and do my best to get rid of it without letting the panic bubble to the surface.
I don't pretend anymore.
Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary. Even if a spider was like
I'd be all
Sometimes when I express the hatred and fear I feel when I think of spiders, someone will be like "But spiders have families too!!" Like somehow that will make me become sympathetic and understanding toward spiders. But that's exactly the point. Spiders have families and their families are also spiders. We should kill spiders because they have families.
When I was younger, my mom would say "Sweetie, don't be afraid. You are way bigger than a spider." Well guess what, mom? I'm bigger than a grenade too. Were you trying to raise me to be some sort of unconquerable war-machine that isn't even afraid of grenades? If you were trying to do that, you failed. I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me - like bees and wolverines and centipedes. I'm even kind of afraid of ants a little bit.
Spiders are fucking scary. That is a universal truth. I don't know why. I don't need to know why. All I know is that when this:
comes crawling across the floor at me, my brain interprets it like this:
That is a spider with a swastika and the words "I KILL YOU" carved into its flesh and it has knives and guns strapped to its legs. That's how scary spiders are.
sauce
However, I'm not particularly fond of finding spiders up close. The only ones I like this way :3 are the little tiny grey ones you find on windowsill corners--I actually gave a name to one once which lived in my shower window, Lucy :3 and I worked her into a song that I wrote as well. The song wasn't about spiders, but I referenced her because I sang in the shower all the time and occasionally felt like she was my only friend for a while (don't laugh 
