What should I do?

Davey Gaga

Davey Gaga

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I've had two opinions on this already, but I'd like to hear what others have to say on this, too.

I met someone a number of months ago and we've been getting closer and closer ever since. I've had quite strong feelings for her for quite a long time, too. Recently, she just split up with her boyfriend and we've gotten even closer - so close, in fact, that I made a music video to "our song" [yesh, that's right xD] and the video was made up of all of the pictures she's sent me.

Oh, we live in different countries :[ I live in Scotland, she lives in England. However, I'm going down in the summer to see her :] I asked her if she'd like to go on a date when I do, if she wasn't seeing anyone at that point. She told me sure, as long as it wasn't meaningful, because she's had enough of boys at the moment. But, to tell you the truth, 4 months is a long time to wait :[

"What should I do?"
 
damn it. my post didn't make it. I'll try to remember what I wrote.

um. The whole 4 months thing is both a curse and a blessing. Yea, you won't see her for 4 months which is a bummer and plus, that's 4 months for someone else to move in on your territory. However, its good cause 4 months is a long time to hold the "I dont care about boys" thing. So, maybe she'll be more open to a relationship when you get there.

4 months is quite the variable cause its good amount of time and a lot can happen. I'd say just keep talking to her and get closer so maybe she'll reconsider a real date when you get down there

I had more, but can't remember it
 
I gotta say Riku, call me the pessimist, but I see nothing good coming of this. If you want to go down, hang out, maybe kiss a little or something, then I say unless she hooks up with a another guy in the 4 month waiting period (and she probably will, with at least one, if not more), you'll be in the clear.

However, if you want to start some kind of relationship with her, you should start beating that thought out of your head immediately. Beat it out with an iron pole if you have to. Long distance relationships for any amount of time, for any maturity level, will have negative effects all the way around. There is too much temptation. And why shouldn't there be? Unless you subscribe to the asinine idea of there being only one person out there who was meant for you, it just doesn't make sense to put that kind of stress on either one of you.

Let's consider for a moment that most couples, typically speaking, have met most, if not all, of their significant others, within a 25 mile radius of where they were at the time. It is no coincidence. There are many fish in the sea, and many people are quite alike one another. It is not unlikely that you could find someone you could live with for the rest of your life within 25 miles of where you are sitting right at this very moment.

The question becomes, what makes this one so special? I'll tell you what does without having known much of anything about either one of you. The reason is, she is the now. She isn't the past fling, she isn't the future crush you don't have yet, she is the current, and therefore most appealing thing you have out there at this particular moment. Your brain is sending all kinds of chemicals at you for one basic purpose, it wants to fulfill its basic need to mate (whatever reason that is). I know it's not the most romantic notion in the world, but if you ask me, it's basically fact. I've been through a few relationships, some more serious than others, even one where I considered marriage. The fact was, after time the message became clear: if you're not going to mate with this person, I'm going to stop sending out those confusing chemicals that make you think you're in love. My body was telling me this, and pretty clearly I might add.

I'm not saying that sex is the only driving factor in a relationship, in fact, I think it is one of the lowest. What I am saying, however, is that it is typically the first one. You get all of these screwed up feelings that make you fall head over heels, and depending on how hard you're being hit this time, you might even be saying to yourself, I'd walk the distance just to go see her. The fact is, it might be true. But it's just for the sex.

In a relationship you go through a few stages, and I'm going to try to be brief with them here.

These apply to mainly boys only. Girls have their own stages, which are often similar, but not quite.

Stage 1 - Confusing, mushy, romantic stage. This is where your body starts sending out those stupid chemicals. You see a girl, and your body says BABIES! But, it doesn't tell you this. Instead, you are left struggling to fight off a barrage of emotions that typically, you're not all to sure why you're feeling. You start feeling in "love". You can usually tell when you are in this stage because often times you'll start calling it "love" (even if it's just in your head) far too soon for you to logically have fallen in love.

Stage 2 - Please touch my no-no spot! This is the sexual stage, often coupled right along with stage 1. This is where your bodies signals start becoming a little clearer. My opinion is that your body tries to confuse you with false feelings of love so that you don't feel so guilty when actually trying to get into the pants of someone you barely know. Typically when you reach this stage, you stop so much thinking about said person all day long, and start daydreaming about them instead (if you get where I'm going with this). This stage is often recognized by the constant "battle of the bulge" us men have.

Stage 3 - Please touch it again!... I'll buy you dinner?! This is the second sexual stage, the one where touching her boobies doesn't make you cream yourself anymore. Well, not as easily at least. Typically this is where you really want to start getting dirty, and usually don't mind saying so. You usually temporarily stop thinking about her as a person at times, and just think about bending her over. You spend most of your waking moments thinking about it, until you get it. Once you get it, you spend most of your time trying to get more.

Stage 4 - Now what? So, you've gotten in her pants, probably a few times by now. But... now what? This is often where you start looking at other girls, flirting with them, essentially moving on. Your mind may not be ready to move on yet, but usually your body is. Now you're really getting confused. Sure, you still probably like the person you've been with thus far, but what about so-in-so from around the block? She seems pretty cool too. You've already accomplished your biological goal here, so why are you staying? You try to justify love, and so far, it's pretty much working, but there's still that feeling of doubt.

I've found from my experiences that this stage is usually where paranoia strikes. You start wondering what the other person is doing, and with whom. Is she out there getting freaky with another boy? Why did she get to your house 10 minutes later than she said she was going to... why isn't she answering her phone that you've called 28 times in a row, 6 of those times leaving messages? In my opinion, this is your minds way of justifying your bodies feeling of wanting to move on. This is where you typically find out whether or not you two have something real there besides just sex.

Stage 5 - Time to make a choice. This is the stage where you decide whether or not you two have any common ground to stand on. This is when you decide whether or not you still want to be with this person.

A long distance relationship often takes a serious toll on people, especially in stage 4. It's really easy to be paranoid if you can't see where that person is at all times. If you can't account for the days that she isn't online, or didn't write back, or hasn't called, you start thinking that maybe she is with another man, and not to feed that paranoia, but that is a serious possibility. This is also the point where you, yourself, start looking more and more at the other girls, especially the ones who aren't so far away. Not to mention the fact that you're looking elsewhere helps feed the paranoia that she might be also.

I can make a list that goes on for a long, long time, but I have to work in the morning, and right now, this is a fairly good start. Maybe tomorrow I'll post more, but I'm too tired right now.

I just recommend that you really don't think about this too long. Just try and get her out of your mind as a possible mate. Until one of you moves closer to the other, there's very little hope. I wouldn't go moving out near her either, it'll just mess up your life if things don't work out. Remember, the divorce rate is right around 50% right now (in the US at least) and there's a reason for that. Part of that reason is that people jump into things too quickly, only to find out that they were still in Stage 1 or 2.

Relationships are hard enough when the other person is right around the corner at all times... it's a million times harder with every mile that separates you.

Sorry to sound so anti-relationship there, I just think that you are headed into a world full of pain if you continue too far down the long distance relationship path.

EDIT: About the whole "I've had enough of boys at the moment" statement: don't believe it for a minute. I'm not saying that she's lying. I'm just saying that I've heard it, and seen it, before, and it rarely stays true for long. Young people (under 30 - 35) especially are vulnerable to want to jump to the next person. It doesn't usually take too long to move on to the next person. The biggest reason is, and this is important, when you are "sick" of the opposite sex, what's the big deal in just messing around with them? It's much easier to look at having a relationship on the biological, and thus physical, standpoint if you go into it knowing that that is all you want. Guys and girls alike have physical desires, and when you're only looking to fulfill the physical, and not so much the psychological, it's much easier to find someone to do it with. After all, a 1 night stand is much easier to come by and leave than a 1 year, or even 1 week, relationship.
 
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Is it (inster name here)? If it is, I say go for it, since you two seem to go along. Though 4 months isa long time for something to happen, and long distance stuff doesn't usually go to well. If it isn't Becki, then 2 things. 1 would be, what happened with you two, and 2 would be that I have no advice whatsoever, except go for it.
 
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Riku said:
I've had two opinions on this already, but I'd like to hear what others have to say on this, too.

I met someone a number of months ago and we've been getting closer and closer ever since. I've had quite strong feelings for her for quite a long time, too. Recently, she just split up with her boyfriend and we've gotten even closer - so close, in fact, that I made a music video to "our song" [yesh, that's right xD] and the video was made up of all of the pictures she's sent me.

Oh, we live in different countries :[ I live in Scotland, she lives in England. However, I'm going down in the summer to see her :] I asked her if she'd like to go on a date when I do, if she wasn't seeing anyone at that point. She told me sure, as long as it wasn't meaningful, because she's had enough of boys at the moment. But, to tell you the truth, 4 months is a long time to wait :[

"What should I do?"
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3 Guesses who this is :cool: :P


i'm not too sure what you should do. Speaking from personal Experience, Long Distance stuff has always failed, but then I fail at most things.

The worst you can do is do nothing, give it a shot, I mean why the hell not.
 
I don't think that it's an ideal situation. She seemed kinda reluctant from what you've spoken to her. And sometimes women just want a friend to be a friend, particularly if she's just been through a break-up.

You never know. she may feel differently when the time comes.

But imo, i don't think it's a good thing.
 
Better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all. I live in PA. I've dated a girl from Mississippi and someone from the lower half of the state (3 hour drive to see her). It's a pain in the ass but if you love the person, it doesn't really matter. IF you think she's important, then that probably means there a LOT of work you're going to need to put into the relationship. That's just how good ones are. You always need to work.

As always my love advice is this, be true to yourself. Be true to the other person... and shoot straight from the heart. It doesn't always mean it will work out and sometimes it will put you in the worst pickles. But if you do, you won't have a single regret. You'll never once wonder "what if". If you do everything you can to make it work, you'll never blame yourself for it not working out in the end. And the ride will be a blast while it lasts.
 
Well, I say go for it. But um, what do you mean by "What should I do?" Lol well naturally, you have to wait until the four months pass you by. That's all you can really do, you know?

I know long distance relationship doesn't really go well with most couples. But who knows? You'll never know until you try. Give it a chance. I mean, I know she might've gotten fed up with boys and all. Sheesh, I was at that point as well in my life. But that doesn't mean it's permanent. I mean, maybe you'll be the one to prove her wrong about "boys"...-shrugs-

However, if she really doesn't want a relationship with you...then I say let it go...for now, lol. If there's one thing that girls dislike, it's being forced into a relationship. Because if you keep being persistant, she might get annoyed and just totally blew you off or forget you. Don't let it come to that. Give her some space and respect.

And that's all I've got to say on the matter for now. ;)
 
Mitsuki said:
If there's one thing that girls dislike, it's being forced into a relationship. Because if you keep being persistant, she might get annoyed and just totally blew you off or forget you.
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Un-freaking-fortunately she's speaking the truth here. That's one lesson that I've failed to learn over and over and over... and well yea over again. >_< I'm uh... kinda pushy when I'm "in love". I become deadset in the belief that "this one is the one" and I usually push hard enough that it drives them away. Chalk it up to being egotistical or just being passionate... but yea, my zeal has never served me well in the past when it comes to women. But you always just feel that if you had her, everything else in your life might just fall into place. All your failings and insecurities would deminish in a heartbeat you're just so happy with her that everything else seems trival. That the pain of loneliness you feel every second of every day, with every single heartbeat, would simply stop because when you're with her your heart stops beating anyway. :/

I have yet to find her, my friend. She's out there somewhere. It's just piling painful moments exponentially until I find her though...
 
Aztec Triogal said:
Un-freaking-fortunately she's speaking the truth here. That's one lesson that I've failed to learn over and over and over... and well yea over again. >_< I'm uh... kinda pushy when I'm "in love". I become deadset in the belief that "this one is the one" and I usually push hard enough that it drives them away. Chalk it up to being egotistical or just being passionate... but yea, my zeal has never served me well in the past when it comes to women. But you always just feel that if you had her, everything else in your life might just fall into place. All your failings and insecurities would deminish in a heartbeat you're just so happy with her that everything else seems trival. That the pain of loneliness you feel every second of every day, with every single heartbeat, would simply stop because when you're with her your heart stops beating anyway. :/

I have yet to find her, my friend. She's out there somewhere. It's just piling painful moments exponentially until I find her though...
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Good grief. It's as if you just walked into my head and wrote down exactly how I feel, almost permenantly. I've never been able to give that feeling words before.

My main focus is actually on what OmniscientOnus has said. I can't say it's something that I 'wanted' to hear and, to be honest, it struck me quite hard. I don't dislike you or anything for it, but the post was a little ... below the belt, to say the least [and to incorporate some of the post]. I'm not quite sure what else to say at the moment ... let me sleep on it.

Oh, and for those of you who know her, please, don't say anything...
 
Riku said:
Good grief. It's as if you just walked into my head and wrote down exactly how I feel, almost permenantly. I've never been able to give that feeling words before.

My main focus is actually on what OmniscientOnus has said. I can't say it's something that I 'wanted' to hear and, to be honest, it struck me quite hard. I don't dislike you or anything for it, but the post was a little ... below the belt, to say the least [and to incorporate some of the post]. I'm not quite sure what else to say at the moment ... let me sleep on it.

Oh, and for those of you who know her, please, don't say anything...
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Mum's the word old boy, I shan't say a thing :)
 
sorry, I edited my post saying the name...but if you meant don't say nothing to her, don't worry, I never added her new msn.....
 
Riku said:
Oh, and for those of you who know her, please, don't say anything...
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William Hill has it on 6-1 Odds thats she's reading this right now! ;)

Anyways here's what you should do:

First off, have a wank. Settles any horny thoughts for a few hours whislt trying to get your head 'round this.

Get it into your head that nothing romantic will realy come out of this, because it probably won't to be honest. and if it did, long distance relationships suck and its the woman who is normaly the one to break it off. So be prepared.

Certainly go and see her, twould be rude not too. but approach as friend and nothing else intially.

4 months is awhile, but even if she (or you maybe?) gets involved with someone else in that time its still worth the effort to go see her. after all that is what really matters if youve really been getting along so well.

All in all just enjoy yourself, theres no need to worry about this at all.
 
God, for someone without a freaking lick of style, that's actually not bad advice. Very uncouth and basic... but yea, it's right. lol Even the wank part. Come on though man... mine had poetry. You could at least try for that. Sheesh...
 
Aztec Triogal said:
God, for someone without a freaking lick of style, that's actually not bad advice. Very uncouth and basic... but yea, it's right. lol Even the wank part. Come on though man... mine had poetry. You could at least try for that. Sheesh...
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Moonie needs not your poetry, he uses his ridiculous blunt methods, and they work.
 
Aztec Triogal said:
God, for someone without a freaking lick of style, that's actually not bad advice. Very uncouth and basic... but yea, it's right. lol Even the wank part. Come on though man... mine had poetry. You could at least try for that. Sheesh...
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I have style, Moooonie style :P

There's a time and place for poetry, and I think a man to man (with occational woman) discussion like this really isn't it. Could be, ya'know, tad bit suspect.....
 
Moonchild said:
I have style, Moooonie style :P

There's a time and place for poetry, and I think a man to man (with occational woman) discussion like this really isn't it. Could be, ya'know, tad bit suspect.....
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Poetry, in wanking, is not the time, the place nor the subject really.

D'you know any successful poets who write about Wanking.

Wanking, a Haiku.....just doesn't work does it?
 
The wank idea isn't bad, actually. A great movie had the quote 'You don't want to go out with a loaded gun.' Something About Mary, for those of you who didn't get the reference.

Anyways, the best advice I can give to you is to definitely go down to visit her, but to do it with the intent of just hanging out with a friend, and try to have a good time with her. Just this last week during my break I went out with a great girl I went to high school with that now goes to college in the northeast (I'm at school in the midwest). I just went, happy to see a friend of mine I haven't seen in quite some time. Before we knew it, it was 2 AM and she was saying it was one of the highlights of her vacation. I think if I had gone out with the intent of it being a serious, meaningful, romantic date, it would have been terribly awkward, and we both would have had a terrible time. We had a great time, and, perhaps during the summer when I see her again, we could possibly have a similar evening with a different intent.
(I hope that made sense...I was pretty distracted when I was writing it)

Second best piece of advice I can give: Take a small break from the situation. Don't obsess over talking to her (I assume you do it online)...let her come to you a couple times...nobody likes a desperate member of the opposite sex. Also, if it's 4 months from now, don't think about it too often, as hard as that might be. It'll drive you absolutely insane, and when you finally do meet this special someone, you're going to be a mess.

Hope this was a helpful post from a newb with 40 posts >_<
 
My main focus is actually on what OmniscientOnus has said. I can't say it's something that I 'wanted' to hear and, to be honest, it struck me quite hard. I don't dislike you or anything for it, but the post was a little ... below the belt, to say the least [and to incorporate some of the post]. I'm not quite sure what else to say at the moment ... let me sleep on it.
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Maybe I did come off a bit strong. It was very late at night, and I wasn't exactly all there mentally. Not to mention, I've had my fair share of failed relationships, and I like to steer people clear of that route when I can foresee issues that maybe they can't.

Look, I've done a little thinking about it myself, and I've taken into consideration what some others have posted here. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to try. I mean, I do believe that it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. I guess what I'm saying is, while I still don't think any good can come of it, maybe it wouldn't do too much damage to take a shot. Perhaps you can go out with her, but keep the idea fresh in your mind that most long distance relationships don't work out.

I hate to keep saying that it's not going to work... but from everything I've ever seen, heard about, or encountered, it just doesn't. I'm more trying to keep you from getting too head-over-heels before you can really take account what your getting yourself into.

I think you should really consider the fact that 4 months is a long time for anyone to stay away from the opposite sex, especially between the ages of 15 and 30. To say that she won't be with anyone after all that time is just kind of silly if you ask me.

Give it a shot if you really feel that there is a chance. But, don't let yourself get so caught up on her that you can't see the struggles you'll have to go through. If you decide that she's worth at least trying, then shoot for the skies my friend. I won't think any less of you either way (not that I imagine you care what I think about you :P)


Food is here now, and I have to eat. I'll probably come back to this thread soon. If I do, I'll probably talk a little bit more about my seemingly obsessed nature with sexuality in relationships.
 
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