We know FFF really loves Cats….

I thought it would just be a poorly executed movie that you could make fun of, like MST3K. Instead I found myself annoyed and disturbed. Most of the dialogue was sing-song talking that seemed distracting and forced. The singing was often bad, nonsensical, and seemed to be irrelevant. It was like if Dr. Seuss were reading an instruction manual. It's utterly mind-numbing. I thought that the movie must be bad because of the CGI going in. That was only a small part of it. I've watched a whole lot of "B-movies" that didn't make much sense, because they didn't have a workable budget, or the acting was poor, or it seemed aimless. This movie took a high budget, decent actors, and forced it into into some sort of incoherent nightmare. Everything felt disjointed, like they were just filling time in between scenes.

And for some reason.... As soon as I started watching, I started to feel sick to my stomach...
 
Look... I've never been a theatre kid. It's not in my blood, the singing or dancing, so I try not to judge musicals all that much. Ultimately, they're not for me.

But I'm sorry: Cats (2019) isn't for ANYONE.

It's plot is a pointless meander across what seems to be a hyper-distorted version of London, made up of introductions from any celebrity they could grab for the top billing of the film. It's basically American Idol but all the candidates are cats and we're all pissed off Simon Cowells, watching the Cronenberg body horror unravel. I can probably name roughly 4 of the cats after the fact- I think the most interesting part was how terrible each actor looked as a cat and the very sad depths they had to go down - poor, poor Sir Ian. Ray Winstone will never have a "fackin' Geezer" role ever again.

Apparently, the film's take on the source is much more focused and tied together to reflect the directness of cinema versus the stage; that sort of artistic and music-based focus works on a stage because, ultimately, you've gone to the show for the songs. With a film, it's different; you have a wider audience, so you need to apply the commonalities across films - protagonists, arcs, narratives, climaxes. It just doesn't work here.

The technology used to create the humanoid cats is... it's just body horror mixed with uncanny valley. It doesn't help that each dance movement (or general movement turned into dance) is some sort of strange interrpretation of what's being done; each step has a strange "pop" of a shoulder, a flourish of a foot. I'm sure it's impressive to watch if you're in the in-group for theatre - but for the layperson, it's a little distracting. I do think we can all pick out a favourite - personally, Choo-choo train cat was my favourite; his hipster 'stache and red pants set my world on fire.

The dancing and music is decent - but some of the compositions were very uninspiring - particularly the opener. All these cats that (I'm assuming) reflect personalities of cats or something, but they come, have their song and then waffle to the background again. The size of the cast makes it feel like a second Class (third grade; year four in US and UK respectively) nativity play, where everyone needed a role to play. Repeating a word over and over and over and over again does not allow the viewer to understand the word.

Ultimately, I sat through an hour and a half of waffle and I still do not know what the absolute fuck a Jellicle Cat is. Seriously, someone tell me. Is it a cat that's missing a butthole or something? Is this something we learn from the butthole edition?

So 1 out of 9 whiskers? 🙀

I wouldn't feel quite so bad if I could accurately define what a Jellicle cat is after watching that. But I'm really none the wiser. I guess some sort of honorific title for cats, but I'm not fully confident that I grasped the qualifying criteria.

But yeah I was quite disturbed by the cats throughout the film. It was made even worse for me when I realised during the Mr. Mistoffelees magic scene that the cats have human hands. Not human hands covered with digital fur, but completely human hands. It reminds me of a weird cat animation I watched some time ago.
 
I just couldn't watch it lol. To be fair, I couldn't be arsed to change my output to the speakers to listen but I can't imagine it would have improved things lmao. It really reminded me of something from Burton's Alice in Wonderland or something, with the creepy faces and non-sensical nature.
 
Back
Top