Serious Suicide?

[Doaj]

Basically, that's the question for me. I"m very unhappy right now, and have been for the past six years. Once middle school started, I was picked on by all of my peers. I had two friends, and I had known them prior to going to middle school. Also, my two friends didn't like each other. I cried at school at least weekly, and my grades suffered because I was so unhappy. Throughout middle school, my grades always hovered at Cs and D's, and I generally failed at least one class a semester. This has continued to this day, and I"m in high school.
I wish I could say that in the past six years, things have gotten better. Over the time, I've found things that made me happy, at least for a little bit. In seventh grade, one of those friends moved. In 11th, the other did. I made many other friends once I started high school, but at that point my view on people was hazed and I realized that most people only liked me because I'd gotten a lot more attractive.
So, I have literally no friends left, save for my girlfriend. I knew her in middle school, and shehad her share of picking on me, but so did my one of my friends anyway. I feel like happiness is right around the corner, but I've been trying for so long, and it's felt close for so long, that I question whether or not it is. It seems as if I'm just delusional, and any hope is falsely found.
So, my mom gave birth to me at 15, she was pregant at fourteen. She went to an alternative school to graduate, and did. Throughout that, as well as for the next eight years, she went through a lot. We were homeless for six months, we took the city bus everywhere, my father physically and verbally (not to mention severely emotionally) damaged my mother. Eventually she kicked him out of the house, after she had my sister, when she was 17, I believe. I then grew up in an area I'm not going to list here, but to put it mildly, it became strange not to hear sirens. Now, I'm not racist, but it should be acknowledged that black people tend to live in bad areas because they aren't taken care of by their government. I lived in one of those areas, and because I was one white kid in an apartment complex, not to mention the three other complexes just on that street, well, I got beat up a lot. My mom started using crank, and I learned to take care of my sister. Eventually, after my mom had two more kids, she got together with the last child's father, and when I was in 8th grade, they got married. I learned to like this guy a lot. I called him dad, I told him I loved him (and I do), and I considered him by all means my parent. Since they got married, we've lived in an actual house in a better neighborhood and I still didn't have friends. My little brothers are ten and eleven. My parents have been fighting a lot, and they've deicded the best route is to get divorced (the main problem is that my dad is an addict. He went to rehab for coke, crank, speed, heroin, PCP, and pretty much everything you could think of. He relapses every once in a while, but he tries hard, and I know it. My mom doesn't care though).
I think what they're doing is very irresponsible. I cannot stand what they're doing to my little brothers. For as long as they remember, he's been the father-figure in their lives, and now he'll be gone in about a week and they haven't fucking told them yet. It makes me so damn angry I can't see straight.
I'm constantly stressed out, I'm probably going to be homeless again, because my dad is the only source of income, and I"m going to get kicked out of my school if I start dropping behind too far. I go to a high school that requires interviews to get in, and they have huge programs to help you into college and all that jazz, but as things look, I'm fucked.
Anyway, I once tried to kill myself in middle school, and once more in ninth grade, and I've started thinking about it daily. When I see things in public, I don't think, "Oh, that's cool." I think more like, "I home a car swerves out of traffic toward me. I want to jump headfirst into the windshield."
Well, clearly I've become rather desperate. Currently, my girlfriend is the only reason I haven't killed myself, but...I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I don't want to hear, "You need change in your life." Actually, I don't even expect anyone to respond to this because I don't expect anyone to care enough to read it all. The reason I wrote out my life story is so that you can be a better judge on if I'm overreacting, in need of attention, might have mental disorders, etc. I notice I've been crying a lot more often lately. I don't know if it's because my dad is leaving me for the second time in my life, or because I'm still dealing with this fucking hellhole. I've literally prayed to God to kill me, dozens of times even. I'm angry at the world, I'd say. It isn't really just suicide; with how angry people make me, if I were going to kill myself, I'd take a couple dozen people with me.
So, I suppose I want you (thereader) to be my counselor. Please help me, please explain to me why I should live...I need a reason, because I can't think of anything anymore.

Any questions are welcome, by the way.

 

[SaShman]

I guess the only thing I can think of saying is that you should stay alive for your sister and your brothers, try and be the father figure that they need. Try your best to prevent them from ever finding themselves in your current position.

 

[Donald Trump]

I'm going to have to be a little harsh.
The fact that your step father tries hard to reduce the amount of drugs he uses is irrelevant. You drug addicts aren't safe and aren't the kind of people you want around children. It sounds as if your mother has their best interests at heart.
I'm not sure how close you are to your brothers, but since you are worried about your parents break-up affecting them, isn't a little ironic that you haven't considered what affect you topping yourself will have on them?c
Your father will pay child support and for the house, food and all of that, so there is no need for you to worry about that.
Also since you say that you aren't very academically minded, why don't you concentrate on other kinds of education? Such as a musical education or something to do with writing. Or if you enjoy physical work, you could learn a trade. Tradesmen eran huga amounts of money.
As for reasons to live, I can't help you. It's a cliche that I'd like to avoid, but you have to help yourself.
You have to concentrate on the things you like doing and do them more. Like spending time with your GF, listening to music, playing PS, whatever stuff you find fun.
On a more philosophical level, what is the point of life?
It is at best unknown, and at worst there is no meaning. However if we were all to think like that we would kill ourselves.

I think you need to stop worrying. Worring is stressful, and is a purely negative thing, as you focus only the negative things in your life. Which means you miss the positives.
Before you kill yourself, you should at least set a certain time period, say a year. If things haven't improved during that year then you could think about suicide. But if you don't you'd be acting prematurely.

 

[Nami]

Wow.

I don't have any pretty words, nor can I tell you why life is so spiffy. (I've been trying to fine tune that part of bullshit to feed to my mother, who is continually trying to kill herself.) I can't say all the garbage I'm supposed to say (suicide is wrong, life is worth living, etc.) I can, however, tell you how I think and what has helped me.

I am not a psychologist. However, I was formerly homeless. I've been deployed to Iraq. My life hasn't been all peaches and cream (hell, it still isn't). If you are serious, I can share my thoughts with you via PM. However, I would like to stress that I DO NOT have any pretty words to tell you. I wouldn't be able to soothe you and tell you that everything will be okay.

If you really have a need to hear such words, however, I will be more than happy to type them out for you.

 

[Totoro]

Well I read it and didn't know whether to respond or not, but I decided to.

It sounds like you've been through a mill a bit and I don't even know if you'll take this on board. I, as I'm sure a lot of other people thought about killing themselves or self harming whilst they were growing up. Sometimes school isn't very enjoyable to put it midly. Teenagers can be cruel and even at the age of say 18, don't fully comprehend their actions. Some people who are bully's at school, will when the grow up, realise what they were like in school and feel ashamed. Some just wont care because they're that type of person. Others who were bullied will hopefully grow up and manage tp grow into someone they wouldn't to be, but couldn't at school. Some might not.

But what I will say is something very simple. You do have your whole life ahead of you, and it may totally suck now, and you feel depressed daily but you need to hang in. When you're older you wont even care about what happened in high school, most people wont. Only the guys that had their day in high school will still be bothered about it.

And don't think of taking anyone with you cos that is selfish and you know it's wrong. Regardless of what that person has done, no-one should ever be given the right to decide whether they live or die. It's far to arrogant to assume that someone should have that choice.

This post is becoming longer than I thought! Ok, so when I was at school, I was very depressed through one thing and another, and eventually I decided to get help and went to my local doctor. She put me on happy pills basically (as a short term solution) and put me in touch wit a councilor. That did help me, and when I was finally happy enough I just forgot to stop taking the pills. I'm not sure what systems they've got in place over there, but please don't think I'm being partonising when I say you should try and get help, and speak to someone.

Anyway hang in there

 

[Archideas]

Wow, just wow. I can feel some of that pain you have. I'm gonna get a little emotional on you, now, so bear with it.

Anyway, I think I should say this pretty straight out, don't kill yourself. I lost my big brother 8 years ago, he killed himself and I must say that was the worst days of my life. It's kinda harsh to say, but committing suicide is selfish, just think about all the people who care about you and who'll suffer because of it. You might not notice who loves you because they might not show it to you directly, but just think of the pain you'll be putting on your girlfriend, not to mention your family.

I haven't had it as bad as you so I can't imagine all the pain you have, but as I mentioned earlier, I can relate to some of it. Talk to someone about it instead of typing on a forum. School counselor, headmaster or something of the like. Just make it known how you have and hopefully someone will take notice of it.

But as Myriad said, I can't promise or guarantee anything, there's a lot of ignorant people out there and I for one don't like to give dillusional hopes to anyone. But take the chance and seek help! It's better to try than to give up, I'm rooting for you to think about all the consequences for the ones who loves you if you actually commit suicide and realize it'd be far too selfish to do.

 

[Laro]

Please, do not think you are worthless. You came to this world for a reason. Wether to help your faminly, or community. Your family loves you. The things that you have suffered are truly painful but they have tought you something that will come in very handy in your future life. As for the meaning of life - nobody knows and nobody questions. If there was no point in life we wouldn't be here, that's for sure.
Never pray for God to kill you, pray for him to help you.

It's great that you opened up to us and I hope that you feel better now.

 

[Clyde]

Doaj, you're still young. Kids can be cruel, especially at school. I knew someone kind of in your situation at school. Always picked on, he was pretty depressed. But today since we matured a little, the people who picked on the guy kind of thought it was really very juvenile to do what hey did. They actually now think the guy was ok.
You're only 16 mate, you can work toward making things better for yourself. Start thinking positively about your future. You might wanna have a wife and kids someday. You can teach your kids good values and draw upon your own experiences. If anything, the situation you're in should toughen you. You're going through all that and your still here. Thats sayin something. When things get better for you, you can actually appreciate what you got, unlike some who always had it good all their lives.
You have a whole life ahead of ya