Serious Standing Still....

[Kim Taehyung]

I'm at a time of my life where I'm just trying to figure out where I'm going to go, and what I'm going to do with myself. And I was just checking on my facebook, reading about some of my old classmates from High School, and I just realize how they seem to be moving swiftly into adulthood, and here I am, just standing still, it seems. I live at home, I have no car, and I rarely even still interact with these people that I used to talk to all the time. they're all getting engaged, moving out, some have had children, even (something I don't want at this moment, but the point still remains). I'm not sure where my life is going and I want the security of knowing that. There have been times where I thought I was never gonna get out of the situation that I'm in now, and I honestly dread of having that actually happen. I feel that if I stick there and don't do anything that i'll end up never leaving and turn into my mother, a nearly-divorced mid-40s woman with absolutely no direction in life. Absolutely nothing against her, I love her to death, but I just don't want my life to end up that way. I just feel like I'm not going anywhere with my life, and I feel that I need to do something about it before I feel that it's too late, but I just don't know what it is.

Sorry, I know that's a lot to choke down. xD Has anyone else felt this way, and does anyone have advice they can share?

 

[The Illusive Man]

I will honestly say I've been at this exact same crossroad before myself.

The majority of my old schoolmates are now all married with children, some are even divorced and into a new relationship, but there is the odd one or two of us that are still pretty much living the single life.

When I first saw my friends all moving on, I originally paniced, believing my life to be going nowhere and became increasingly desperate to try and bring my life forward, but for every step forward I took two steps backwards and seemed to keep repeating the cycle.

Now I sit and think, they may be married with kids, but who is to say they made the right choice? Maybe I was intended to not move out yet, Maybe I'm destined to bump into the right person a few years down the line and have the most fufilling relationship of all of us?

I sat and thought a lot about the direction of my life a few years ago, now I would believe my life is coming on a lot better than I previously thought possible, I have a stable job that pays well and working in admin, something I've always wanted to do, I have a car, thinking about moving out in the next few years and I have my eye on a special someone that I hope a great relationship will come from.

My advice is dont let the fact that some of your friends got engaged/married moved out get to you, I can honestly tell you a good 70% of those marriages were far too early in life and they will likely end in divorce (as sad as it sounds its true) and it some point end up back with there parents.

The true mature person here is actually you, unlike your school friends whom have rushed into adulthood and will likely pay the consequences for it, you have sat back and thought about things, and done things much more rationally and maturely than your friends who will probably feel the true pinch of reality within the next few years.

So keep your chin up and dont let it get on top of you, there is still plenty of time for things to change and you'll always feel better knowing that it was because you used your better judgement!

 

[blakstang98]

Do realize that you're still in school. While you're in school, naturally you'll think you're going nowhere in life in the immediate future, just more classes and such. Believe me, everyone else who is in school as well hasn't gotten any further than you, even if they have an internship. So long as you're actively working on your degree, then there's nothing to worry about. I'm not sure what you're majoring in, whether there is a lot of opportunities out there for that field or not, but it will come in handy for something. So long as you keep your chin up and keep pursuing that degree and then utilize it after you finish, then you have nothing to worry about in the career area of life.

As far as where you are in life as far as living with your mom and not owning a car and such, there's really nothing to worry about there either. I lived with my parents for 26 years before moving out, and I was in my career for a year and a half. Owning a car is more of a convenience than anything really. But if you want a car, then you'd have to get a job, and with a job you're working while still in college, won't afford you a brand new car at a reasonable price, unless you're willing to risk taking a hit on your credit if you can no longer afford the car. Any car is fine, it doesn't have to be top-of-the-line if you ever do purchase one in the future. But with all that, it's not like you haven't gone anywhere in life. It's never too late to do anything, and you're still young. Most of lifes biggest changes won't happen until you're in your mid-20's at earliest (things like a career, a husband, possibly kids, buying your own home, etc).

I wouldn't worry much about what you've seen from others you went to high school with. I was in little to no contact with people I went to high school with throughout my college years (and even now). Considering I went a very basic and general route, I figured most of them would have been well ahead of me at this point in life, and it turns out that wasn't the case. I saw that I'm in my career and most of them weren't. I even saw some of the brighter kids haven't finished school. I was shocked to find some of that stuff out, but pleasantly surprised. So even though everything may seem fun and cheery, you'd be surprised at how far behind they may actually be. I'm not exactly sure why everyone is getting married so early these days, but I wouldn't read much into that either. The younger generation seems to think marriage makes things better, even though they don't truely love the one they plan on marrying.

But I stress this, there's no reason to rush into anything in life. You are only 20 years old afterall, there's no reason to feel like life passed you by or think that if you don't do something now that you'll be stuck in the same place in life. You'll see, there will be many new and exciting things to happen in the future. So for now, I'd say just take care of responsibilities and things will start to sort themselves out in the big picture.

 

[Dee]

I'm just going to say....dude, you're 19 years old. You are still very young and have the rest of your life to decide what you want to do. I know it may sound like it's an easy thing to do, but try not to sweat it. Who cares what your friends are doing? Yeah, they may be doing what they believe is right for them at the moment, but you are not your friends. You are you and you are facing a point in your life where you've got all the options in the world.

Try not to think of it negatively. If you were, oh, say...20 years older and still in this rut, then I would begin to wonder. At your age, I was in school but I have to admit that I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do or what I wanted to do for that matter. I was just going through the motions of getting my bachelor's. I even changed my mind once or twice about what I wanted to major in because during that time I had come across so many things that interested me (criminal justice, film, media studies/communication). I was so confused!

It is quite normal to be in your position. What you need to do is stop comparing yourself to other people and start focusing on you instead. Give congratulations and condolences where they're needed, but try not to think about what other people are doing and just think about all of the possibilities you have lying right in front of you.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

What you need to do is stop comparing yourself to other people and start focusing on you instead.

My exact thoughts!

If you keep thinking about what other people are doing and how you think that they might be heading in the right direction as opposed to you, you aren't going to be able to focus on your own life and won't end up making yourself very happy at all.

I've logged into facebook every now and then and I see some of the brighter kids that I went to school with having not got very far at all in their life. =/

They all ended up with some guy they weren't with for very long and popped out kids and they don't even live with each other. Still living at mummy and daddies. You're doing ALOT better than that. Even if you are still at home, you at least aren't having a child to worry about and you know that you'll be finished up with your studies soon and be able to do something great with your life and be financially stable for future children.

When I was your age, I had only just met Steve. I was still living at home and the next year when I was 19 1/2 I moved out. I thought I was actually moving out pretty early in my life to be honest. I saw what other's were doing and half of them were engaged/married/had kids and still hadn't moved out. Half of them didn't even have their licences (some of my old close friends to name a few) and this was due to not going about things the way one should in my opinion. How do they intend to cart around their babies? On the train, bus etc? Not the best idea in my area.

I had my first car when I was 17, but I actually never got my licence until I was 18. I was used to my first boyfriend driving me around and when we broke up it gave me some real motivation to get out there, obtain my licence and have a life. Taking note that I wasn't studying, had a full time job and had the money to do so.

I'm 21 this year and I have no plans for marriage, children, buying a house until much later and at first my parents were the ones nagging me about the house buying part, but it's my life, I still want to travel etc and I don't care if Mary and Bob went out and bought one. I don't really want to do that sort of thing right now. They may be stuggling financially, whilst I'm able to enjoy my life a tad more before all of that.

You don't have to end up like your mother. I know I don't intend to. I appreciate my mother and the things she did for me when I was living at home, but she's not the sort of person I want to become like in the social department and I'd much rather have a job at her age too. She actually got married a year after meeting my dad, they bought a house and then had me a year later.

Seems a bit rushed, but these days things are a bit different and back then that was the norm.

People these days only get married so young for a few reasons:

*They either know that this is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.
*They've gotten pregnant and had a shotgun wedding.
*Rushed into it because the girl wants to be like the rest of her friends and be able to say she's married/engaged etc.

Anyway to end this story, don't compare yourself to what others are doing. They might not be as happy or as stable as they look. If you do things when you're ready and know you're not doing them just because you feel like you have to, then you'll be happy and much more prepared for these sort of things in life. =)

I'm just glad you're actually thinking about this sort of thing, whereas most people don't even take the time of day to think, 'Is this what I want?'

 

[Joyful Blue1]

I'm not going to read what other people have said to you already as I wouldn't be giving my own advice then and I want to say what I genuinely think rather than take someone else's words as my own.

I'll be honest and say that I haven't been in this kind of situation myself, but that's because of my state of mind rather than the actual things going on around me. What I mean by that is that I have seen old friends on Facebook actually going out there and "living their life" getting married, having kids, all that kind of thing. It kind of shocked me at first but as it happened to more and more people I knew I realised something, I was never actually reading any of this stuff myself, it was other friends of their's that told me.

Just the other month I found out that a guy and a girl I knew form my class had gotten married like the year before and I thought it was really bizarre, it turned out I was like the only person who didn't know. Really it was my own fault because I didn't actually care, it was interesting news sure, but it didn't really effect me.

I get some people telling me they wish they could be more like me as I don't let other peoples issues get to me and that they wish that they could take things in their stride the way I do when something bad does happen to me. Another bunch of people tell me I'm a bastard though as I seemingly don't care about what they do. Nobody is going to be popular with everyone though and the thing that matters is that I'm happy.

How does this fit in? Right now I'm at university and I'm now in my fifth year, most people have already finished their courses, gotten jobs and moving abroad while I still have to stick around for at least another six months once this year finishes. A lot of my friends will be going to Japan in the Summer while I'm still stuck here, but in truth, while I may want to be in their shoes sometimes I look at the bigger picture and see that I'd much rather be me. I don't go around moaning that someone else has a better life than me because there's no point. This may not seem like very helpful advice but in truth if you can do it you'll be pretty damn happy. Just stop worrying about it, seriously. People live their lives differently and "moving on" clearly isn't what you want to do right now even if someone else does, why worry about that?

I'm not even sure I've gotten my point across how I'd like but yah, I know where you're coming from as I've seen similar things happening around me and the best way to deal with it is just getting on with your life and doing what you want to whenever you want to, not thinking you want to right now just because others are.

 

[Dee]

I get some people telling me they wish they could be more like me as I don't let other peoples issues get to me and that they wish that they could take things in their stride the way I do when something bad does happen to me.

I'm going to make a point here out of this.

Whenever my mom praises me and tells me how proud she is of me and my brothers, it is always because we have not rushed into things and make really good decisions. Unfortunately, in her young adult years, her adopted mother died and she found herself at a complete loss. She didn't know what she was going to do with her life at 18 years of age, she only did a little bit of school until she met my dad and then married him. By the age of 25, she had 3 kids and was a full-time mother. By her 30th year, she was divorced and raising those kids with joint-custody.

I won't go into her entire story, but what I do want to say is that when she looks at me and when she looks at my brothers, she wishes she had not been so brash and jumped into things like she did. She wishes she would have stayed single, gone to school and made something of herself like we did (and are still doing). It has not been easy for us, mind you, but we are still working on it. My eldest brother is 26, a free-lance graphic designer and still trying to make a name for himself. I've had some setbacks with my grad program and will have to take a bit of time off before I can get that Master's degree, but that's okay. I'm taking it as it comes. My little brother, who is 21, is going to graduate in June (hopefully) and become a police officer (hopefully).

What I'm trying to say is that it is best not to think that you absolutely must have your mind made up about what you want to do at this point in your life. It's all about living and experiencing and discovering new things.

 

[Tmoo]

this will be in list form for full impact. I tried to keep it short, but, alas.

1) growing up is something everyone around the age of 18-19 wants to do. Realize this: in today's global economy the grand prospect of moving out and being fully independent is MUCH harder to pull off than it was 10, even 5 years ago.

2) living at home with no job and no car is Okay. Perfectly normal, in fact, and you are blessed if you have parents that are willing to house you until you're able to support yourself. The education you're going through is for that job, is it not? and the car can wait.

3) do you REALLY want a child by the age of 21? Think of the number of mid-life crises that happen because people are getting preggo before they're emotionally ready for it. Youth doesn't last forever, and once you're preggo, it's either abortion or the end of your youth. One child costs well over a million US dollars to raise to the age of 18, by the way. Being a child of a mother who got pregnant when she was 21, I can say from my experience that those parents don't turn out so well in their later years. Don't be one of them.

4) growing up is overrated. There is a clear but fine line between being 'grown up' and being mature. Be mature but enjoy yourself and take life in stride, because in about 5 years when you hit the work force, that life of leisure will be gone. Those people you mentioned who seem to be moving forward, are they really? I'm confident they have doubts of their own.

5) Going through the motions of life and really living - two separate things. Look closely at your friends and your peers. Do they look like they're really alive? Or are they, like many (dare I say most) people just going through the motions of life by sheer habit on a day to day basis? What does it mean to really live your life? It isn't hard. Learn to enjoy what you perceive around you. Life doesn't have to be just 'finish school, get a job, get married, punch out kids, raise kids, send them to college, die'.

6) Security - it's something all of us have anxiety with. But the truth is no one knows what's going to happen. If you know your major, use it as your anchor point and just keep trekking. Not knowing what you'll be doing 10 years from now doesn't mean you'll become an embittered 40-year old. If anything it guarantees that you're life will be interesting.

Call me a devil's advocate, but i dislike the current trend of 'go to school, get a job, raise family' mentality that much of the world is still cemented in. Life is what you make of it, and growing up should be personal, not a rat race.

 

[niesl2]

4) growing up is overrated. There is a clear but fine line between being 'grown up' and being mature. Be mature but enjoy yourself and take life in stride, because in about 5 years when you hit the work force, that life of leisure will be gone. Those people you mentioned who seem to be moving forward, are they really? I'm confident they have doubts of their own.

Exactly!

Everyone probably has some friends who's life seems to be moving faster then yours. What's mature anyway? For some people it is about marrying, getting kids and a nice house, for me it is being able to take care of yourself in a good and responsible way. I don't care if that includes spending my free time playing video games and drinking or raising babies and looking for new furniture. At some point in your life you just feel that it is time to make some changes (moving out, starting a familiy instead of going out drinking, whatever) and of course this time is different for everyone. Since you already know how you don't want to end up, there probably be a time in your life that you will make changes.

Myself for example, I graduated last summer but didn't feel like getting a steady, 'serious;' job already so I decided to wait a while before looking for a new job. Eventually I got so fed up with my current (temporary) job that I've started to browse papers and websites for a new job. I just want to say, if it is time to change your life, you'll probably notice it yourself. ;-)

 

[SapphireStar]

Dont compare yourself to others. I myself look through facebook at school friends and most are married or have children. I have neither and to be honest I dont want either right now. Ive just come back from Australia and its like I know where I want to go. Im going to get a job, start driving and then take it from there. Its difficult when you have no direction in life, but you are the only one who can chose where to go next. I wish you luck.

 

[Totoro]

Dont compare yourself to others. I myself look through facebook at school friends and most are married or have children. I have neither and to be honest I dont want either right now. Ive just come back from Australia and its like I know where I want to go. Im going to get a job, start driving and then take it from there. Its difficult when you have no direction in life, but you are the only one who can chose where to go next. I wish you luck.

Agreed!

You shouldn't measure yourself against others sucess. Only against your own personal goals, but at the same time, not judging yourself too harshly.

I used to compare my friends success at work or in relationships until recently as they were all better paid than me or had nice girlfriends or whatever, but it's pointless to think like that. You just need to relax, and think about where you want to go, what you want to be and take steps to do that. And if it doesn't happen right away just take it as it comes, don't be in such a rush.

It's funny how when you start to give advice you end up relating it to yourself! As I don't know where I'm heading, but for once I'm not too worried about it.