Serious How do you handle jealousy?

[SapphireStar]

Well, my answer is not so well lol. Most of you know Imy relationship is abit shakey at the moment and jealousy has something to do with it aswell.

My guy likes to chat to other workers of course. However, the one he is really matey with is this young girl. Shes 19 and we got on great, before me and my guy hooked up. The night we got together, she confessed to him how she felt, but he chose me. And she was a bitch for ages towards me, till she seen someone else. She got dumped and is fooling around with another guy now and we've been okay for the past few months. But when my guy and her talk, they giggle and laugh like crazy with each other, something my guy doesnt do with me.

Of course I get jealous easily and get upset. Now Ive been told he only does this when Im working there. On my days off, he barely even acknowledges her. But still, I dread work because of my jealousy.

So, how do you guys handle your green eyed monster and have you got any tips for me??

 

[Bambi]

I'd just ignore it if I were you, sounds like he's trying to get some kind of a rise from you if he only does it when you are there.

I don't really have issues with jealousy, I've rarely if ever had an attack of the green eyed monster, end of the day, if someones gunna cheat they're gunna cheat regardless and if you act all jelous it's only gunna make em more inclined to stray, and eat you up at the same time

An ex of mine was insanely jealous, which drove me up the wall we were like polar opposites in that case, I couldn't have an innocent laugh and a joke with men without him going mental, infact, men couldn't even look in my direction without him kicking off - course, he was on the extreme end of jealousy, but so long as he's not getting up to anything, why waste your time being jealous? That kind of behaviour ruins relationships in the long run. Id say its more someones jealousy that kills a RS than some one actually cheating in most cases


we split up, and I never DID cheat on him. Go figure. Jealousy gets you no where, unless he has cheated on you before, but Id never stay with anyone I couldn't trust anyway... xD

Of course I probably haven't helped at all there, but taht's my peanut

 

[The Illusive Man]

Well in my experiences, jealousy takes all kinds, having been cheated on before, I do often get a little insecure myself at times when I see certain "signs" that may hint at the possiblity of cheating.

But being the straight up person I am, I always confront my other half with my fears rather than let them build up and turn into the green eyed monster....By no means would I ever tell someone to stop speaking to someone or hanging around with someone because I dont like it, 99% of the time I trust them not to go straying as I expect them to do with me, I merely let them know that there "flirty behaviour" is a bit concerning and worries me.

Ofc, I did have an ex that used to wind me up like hell, even after telling her that her constant flirting around other guys bothered me, In the end I could not decide if I trusted her or not so rather than trying to install a nazi regime like some do, which usually does force them to stray, I ended it and walked away.

For me a relationship needs trust to survive, if theres no trust theres no foundation, and if he is giving you cause not to trust him, then your probably better off without.

Just my 2 cents from someone who has been burned by cheating before.

 

[SapphireStar]

Yeah, I was cheated on in my longest relationship, so thats a major problem right there. I try not to let it bother me, but it can eat me up sometimes. I think he does do it on purpose though, it makes me sick knowing he does that. At one point he did stop talking to her so I wouldnt get upset. The other day he asked if he could talk to her again and I said he can talk to whom ever he wants and his grin made me uncomfortable.

I do try and trust him, but recently we havent had ... you know ... done anything in a while and my brain went into over load thinking he was getting it elsewhere. But at the same time I know hes stressed and fed up at the mo and that can do something to it.

 

[Bambi]

Ah, as far as I know, Ive never been cheated on, so I guess it's unfair of me to expect you to be able to control it or whatever, it's not helping if he's winding you up on purpose though. I take he knows of your insecurities and why? He should be trying to reassure you not throwing it in your face. It's abit insensitive

As Jill said a RS just CAN'T work without trust, and he's so not helping things - are you sure he's worth keeping? Bit of you time might be good for you. Only problem is, you work together amirite? That's not the best of situations to be in if you DID split up, I can imagine what a slap in the face it would be if he did hook up with her under your nose

fuck

Il shut up now

-hugs- D:

 

[The Illusive Man]

This is indeed a tricky situation, but it seems you have tried to confront him on your fears, try talking sense into him one last time, make him know how he makes you feel with his behaviour, let him know that the relationship is at stake because of his behaviour. If he tries the "but you said I could talk to her" card, your reply should be "Yes talk, not flirt with her and rub my face in it", let him know where he stands, and then if he continues....there will only be one option and you will in all honesty feel better for it as all you will have lost is a "Child in a Man's Body", not all men are jackasses, but some do need to do a lot of growing up....

 

[SapphireStar]

Well shes meant to be leaving the country soon, so she hopefully wont be a threat any longer. I said the same thing to a close friend of ours regarding him running off with her and she was like hell no! I guess our friends and family can see how we are and they think we're meant to be. I think so too, he just needs to stop being childish. Then again, he is almost 23, so he is still an immature kid. No offense to anyone lol.

 

[Vladislak]

In my opinion, if you really care about someone then it's always better to just trust them. For two reasons:

1. If you fully trust someone then you'll no longer be eaten alive by the constant fear that they're doing something wrong.

2. Most importantly: Jealousy is a dangerous thing. If you start thinking someone is cheating on you and they find out you think that, it alone could destroy a relationship because they now know you don't trust them.

If you fully trust someone and then they cheat on you, it's gonna hurt like hell.
But on the other hand; if you don't trust someone and they don't cheat on you then you're just going to be living in constant fear of it.


I'd rather trust than be constantly crippled by fear.

 

[SapphireStar]

Yeah, Im getting there. But its like frustrating I cant tell him anymore to stop doing it. He said the next time I bring it up, then its over because he wants a relationship where he can chat to anyone and not get yelled at for doing so.

His ex hated me cause we did chat and then he confessed to her how he felt and he ended it. But he didnt know he was going to get with me, so Im not the reason they ended. If he ended it, then got with me then I can see her point. But it was 6 months before we got together. But Ive been wondering if thats going to happen with us. But time and time again he has stated he isnt interested in her. But something tells me that he does feel something for her and is ignoring it.

I cant confront him again about it. I dont want us to end, but he needs to see it still hurts even though Im trying so damn hard to not let it affect me.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

I don't really get jealous if a girl is flirting with Steve. I think, 'Haha, go for it. You slut. Steve's not that stupid to go after some chick when he's got something good going with me.' He doesn't even bother with them any way. They eventually learn to bugger off.

I would get jealous if Steve was flirting with a girl though. However, I've never had him do that to me thank god.

Some people don't intend to be flirty and upset their other half. For some people it's just their way of interacting with the opposite sex, but don't intentionally mean anything by it.

I know sometimes I get a 'little' flirty unintentionally, especially at work. It's nothing serious and means nothing. It's just the way I interact with guys 'sometimes'. I know I would die if I ever caught Steve doing the same thing with a girl. But I know that if he did he wouldn't be doing it intentionally and we don't work together so I wouldn't have to see it. <_<

But if he's doing it intentionally in front of you. That's just plain cruel. Steve has never done that to me and he knows that it would hurt me if he did do it. Why would anyone want to hurt the person they love?

It seems that your partner does indeed have a lot of growing up to do and from my experience, having an older partner is definitely better. Little boys are nearly all the same. They only want to party, be stupid with their mates and get with as many girls as possible from my experience. <_< Steve's been there and done that and now ready to settle down and not make me worry about what I used to have to worry about.

He's been cheated on before and he knows the heartache it brings and I know he would never do that to me. I've never been cheated on but I've been with my fair share of guys to know that they come and go and I'll find the right one some day if they continue to screw me over.

I always see it as when it gets to the stage where you're checking your other half's phone for messages from another girl/guy, then you really don't trust them and they obviously aren't showing that they are being faithful in some way for you to check it in the first place.

Your man certainly shouldn't be rubbing it in your face with this chick though.

How does he know that you won't turn around and say, "The next time you flirt with her or do something that you know is upsetting me, it's over." ???

Why is he allowed to push you around and say that you shouldn't bring up the subject (that is obviously bothering you) again or he will leave you?

That is just wrong and he's making you feel like you are in the wrong by confronting him about it. You should never have to feel worried or scared about sharing your feelings with your partner. That's part of the reason they're there. Someone you can share everything with and talk about anything with.

Don't feel like you're in the wrong in any way when he is clearly the only one doing the wrong thing.

He's not keeping up his end of the deal in this relationship by making you happy. He's continuing to be selfish and serve his own needs when he can clearly see that it's hurting you. Sacrifices need to be made sometimes and I can't see why he thinks this girl is worth more than keeping your relationship alive and stable.

 

[Bun]

I'm not all that jealous, although I can feel slightly green depending on the situation. Take for instance my ex-boyfriend; he's smokin' hot, tall, lean, piercing blue eyes, brown hair, striking feature, funny, sweet, non confrontational...so when I'd pick him up from work he would tell me he'd keep getting hit on by his colleagues who were very good looking and leagues older than him. While the women were hot (as I could see why), I trusted the guy to be a big boy and make his own decision. To my knowledge, he had never cheated on me in the 3 years we were together, and I think he'd be too much of a pussy not to tell me. He's just that kind of guy...

Anyway, I like to look at it like this: I am the only person who I can control; therefore, wasting time trying to rule over the lives and actions of another human being is futile. *Keeping that in mind, I think, is very important.

Being aware of the choices you have should that sneaking suspicion crawl into your mind, is something else to be considered. It all depends on how you feel it is necessary to approach the situation (the severity, who's involved, how far off it'll branch). When it is merely a notion, the idea of jealously seems laughable almost and even over the top, at times. When you allow yourself to fret over something you're not certain of, or something you may be overreacting to, bad things can come as a result of a simple assumption that was made. That's not to say you should be completely paranoid, but being open, willing to accept the possibility if it does happen and deal with it when it is exposed.

Advice and tips from other people may be a great way to add to the list, but ultimately it's going to be up to the individual in regards to how they handle it. Experience and time are two key elements, I believe, for good practice in handling situations such as these. Also, learning from the mistakes you've made in the past (referring to situations beforehand and how they could have been avoided), what you weren't comfortable with and how you could possibly approach it in a different light. *shrug* Could go on forever, but eh...I'm literally falling asleep as I'm typing this. xD

 

[Valkyrur]

Jealousy is nothing new, seriously. I think it's very natural, to see someone get something cool, new and all, then feel jealousy over it.. Or see someone else scoring A, and not you... Or even relationship wise, when this guy has got that girl that you like.. There are just so many different ways to experience it.

And for me, I'm no exception from these scenarios either (Other than the last one, I've no ideal partner... YET.).

In handling jealousy for me, I just tackle the source itself. For me, since my jealousy are more based on material wants, I merely judge all the possible factors to getting it, then make the final decision. To me, it's all about profit and loss. It wouldn't be good if i get jealous over something that will be underused in a few months right? (That already happened to some of my stuff... )

With regards to Mariella's problem, I actually think your man is doing this to spite you, somewhat. Since you said he only does this with that girl when you're around, I think it might be something you've done, and not because he's got a better relationship with the other girl.

To be honest, I think it actually depicts very nicely what he hopes to do with you, to chat happily, laugh, and all. Perhaps you should go up to him and get down for a serious talk, pour out all that jealousy thing, and see how he replies. If he does love you, he'll be really happy to know that you're getting all jealous over him. Sincerely said, I'm quite happy to know that you're rather faithful to your relationship. (Observed from this pang of jealousy.)

However, the above is just a suggestion from a guy who's not experienced love, so there's no guarantee of positive results.. And forgive me if I've made the wrong assumptions. I base all the above on what I thought about what you've wrote in the first post.

I would think that all the emotions are all about PERSPECTIVE. It's how you see things, that subsequently lead to that particular emotion there. For instance, looking at the more positive results from a failure may actually cause you to feel less upset, and slightly happier... etc.

At least, that's what i think, for now, i guess.

 

[SapphireStar]

Thanks guys. Im hoping we are going to be happier now as he finally said she wasnt a threat to me. My friends, both online and off, have been saying this, but the fact he said it finally has made me smile! She just wants friendship with people before she goes to New Zealand and I can understand why. Her ex cheated on her and he was best friends with one of her mates. This mate (who is also my best mate), knew the cheating happened and said nothing.

So she feels betrayed by both of them. She is still bit of a tart as she sleeping with this guy from our Starbucks and its just sex and coffee basically. I guess she needs attention and I believe her whole act to be just that ... an act.

Why should I be jealous of someone who is like that? I dont see her as a threat anymore and the fact she told my guy she likes me being her friend is shcoking as she hated me at one point. She has even cried to me and hugged me at one point. So the jealousy is sinking and Im hoping this will help strenghten our relationship!!

Thank you everyone ^_________________^