I cried when I read these - they're a goldmine 
My personal favourites are in bold
When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydogin is gin and water.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts--the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the borax contains the bowls, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toward the moon, because nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
Liter: A nest of young puppies. Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
To prevent contraception use a condominium.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
My personal favourites are in bold
When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydogin is gin and water.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts--the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the borax contains the bowls, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toward the moon, because nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
Liter: A nest of young puppies. Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
To prevent contraception use a condominium.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
