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[M1ghty Mous3]

Not fitting in anywhere. Yet again searching. A play of the tongue and they go haywire. It seems i may never find a place where i really can feel myself. If i can ever find out what myself is.

Mentally deteriorating, fast. The urge to just run out and bludgeon the first person I see is growing. I wouldn't survive in prison. But what can I do? The forum i found seemed like it'd help with my current issue and it is slightly. Yet the chat room. Ignored frequently. Why do i continue to go there then? To try and get to know people. Yet it doesn't work. Maybe i'm to be a hermit all my life. Mentally anyway. Every person i have talked to or ever met, weather it be online or in person, does not get me. At least it seems to me that way.

Unstable. Defragmented. Growing more depressed as the days continue. Yet i dont speak to my family about it. I can deal with it i tell myself. Bullshit. I wasn't meant to make it. I was condemned at birth. Picked on at elemtary school, part of the loser in middle school. For the most part loner in highschool. I have observed man's ways. And what do i get? Understanding? Not from them. Was never given a second glance.

Blow my fucking head off.

 

[CassinoChips]

1-800-273-TALK

You need to get some help, my friend. ASAP.

 

[Dragon Mage]

Mouse, I can honestly say I know what you mean about people on chat rooms being dicks. Let me explain something here.

www.bash.org

Go there. Read for about 2 minutes. Some of that stuff can be funny. Most of it isn't. Damn near all of it includes jerking off and lewd, vulgar sexual comments. Chatrooms are, essentially, the shithole of the internet and that website proves it. Every zealous, self-righteous, perpetually ignorant, shit licking, plague ridden, socially inept, diseased inbred halfwit in the world inhabits the chatrooms. The second I saw 'chatroom' I knew what was going on. No matter what you say, how you act, what sources you provide, it will always be not good enough for these people.

They make it their job to piss you off. Trust me, I've been there. They make your entire life feel like shit. So, here's my advice:

First, you must cool off a little. Judging from your fragmented speech, you're raging at the moment. So please, get up, get something cold to drink -- and it's your choice if it be alcoholic or not. Do this now, then come back. It will make you feel better, trust me.

Second, realize that these halfwits are not worth the drama. They will perpetually treat you with contempt. It only fits that you return the favor. Also, realize that there are plenty of folk who get you. But the vast majority of idiots you've been locking horns with are simply not those folk. So keep looking, you'll find them.

Third, know that social shunning in elementary happens to everyone. That's when kids still think the other sex has goobers and cooties, remember? And if little kids are anything, they are evil incarnate. Also, middle school is freaking hell. NO ONE likes middle school. Not even the staff! And high school is just a mass of cliques and pretentious dipshits who think they're better than everyone and god. Again, those people are lower than whale shit, and that's pretty damn low. Don't let it get you down.

Fourth, keep drinking something cold, it'll prevent you from re-raging again. Now, while you're on the internet, go look up some lolcat pictures. I find those always help me when I'm in a Hulk-rage and want to smash something. Do NOT play a game, do NOT watch a war movie or any movie that has guns in it. Dancing flicks and musicals are okay. Do NOT listen to any music that isn't an Oldie or Classical.

Also, I find it helps me a lot to think up new and imaginative insults -- it's quite liberating. And I mean get creative, like I did above -- don't just spew cuss word after cuss word, anyone can do that. You know you're in a good spot when you start laughing manically. And finally, after having acknowledged what meaningless pieces of shit these people are that got you feeling like this, content yourself by knowing that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It may seem trite, but it's true. It'll take more than the meaningless stream of bullcrap of insignificant worms to bring you down.

Now go, relax a little, play with your pet cat Jingles, anything to occupy your mind -- until you feel a bit more calm. If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me.

 

[Ipsen]

1-800-273-TALK

You need to get some help, my friend. ASAP.

Triple T know's his shit. I mean, in fairness, both this thread and the previous one are related and he said a similar thing in that one so perhaps you should take it as some rock solid and sound advice seeing as otherwise you might end up putting yourself into a lot of shit.

Also, correct me if I am wrong, but if someone wants a sex change you legally have to seek psychological help in the first place to even get a consult from a surgeon, right? So really look at it as killing two birds with one stone.

Though as for telling the parents thing, that is just your choice, and your choice alone. I advise telling them, but that's who I am and I am not experiencing, nor have I experienced anything like these things before so really it's up to you. At the end of the day they would find out eventually, right? So what's the harm? Assuming you're not afraid of the outcome this is.

As for people ignoring you in a shoutbox. I wouldn't take that too personally unless it's a forum for the kind of thing you are going through. For example, here: I am new here but I can tell that there are people who have known eachother for longer so you natrually speak to them more, though it doesn't mean that they are going out of the way to ignore you. I hate the shoutbox here when there's like 8 people there. It's too much to keep up. You might just be there with sort of bad timing. Also, I think with what you speciffically want to talk about it is something that people do on a one to one basis, not in a shoutbox for all to see. I am not saying people will take the piss or just ignore you, but it's a personal thing, so really the best thing to do is to try and make it as personal as possible. People wont be so subjective towards you then either.

Best advice I could give you? Talk to someone who knows their shit. You might be able to find a local charity counciller around your parts who specializes in what it is you seek out. My friend had a troublesome childhood so she has found someone who can relate etc as she doens't want someone to be subjective towards her. But yeah, do it. And if you have to go through your parents to do so, I personally think you should.

Good luck.

 

[Dionysos]

It’s easier to fall into this state than people think, and much harder to get out of than people think too. It can take months or even years, but it is not impossible. With your identity issues your head is a mess and you are not sure of anything anymore. Don’t panic. Some people just take longer to find themselves than others.

Like Dragon Mage said, ignore the people on the chat rooms as they will most likely be trolls who only seek to wind people up for amusement. Or if you say that you’re ignored by them then perhaps try a different chat room. Sometimes people form groups and then close themselves off to everyone outside of that group, so that may be why you are ignored. That’s their unwillingness to communicate with people outside of their golden group, and not your fault. It happens, sadly.

As Jesse and Ipsen said, you need to go and seek help immediately. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about going for help when you get in a state like this. Going for help is the most logical and rational thing that you could do and it will help you get on the right path mentally.

As for your belief that you can not simply deal with it, I can understand that. The mind isn’t always rational and sometimes it can become very unhinged, making everything seem cloudy and hard to see a way out, thus making you more and more anxious. You need to seek help as soon as possible now as the longer you remain trapped in this cycle the harder it will be for your brain to adapt and change to a more positive outlook, and an acceptance of self.

As for everyone you have met not getting you, perhaps they don’t. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. People often conform to a specific style of acting and sometimes thinking, denying themselves what they really want to be. Everyone is different to an extent, and everyone is confused by what they don’t know or have not experienced themselves. Some people might not accept people for who they are, and these people would want everybody to fit into their perfect image of what a person should be. Sadly for them the world isn’t like that, and people being different makes the world more interesting. It’s better to be different but true to yourself than to conform just to get approval, and if anyone tries to tell you not to be yourself (once you discover who you are) you can just tell them that you’re perfectly fine with who you are. You have the right to be whoever you want to be.

The people who you would get on better with are the people who do accept people for who they are, and don’t mind when people don’t act like everybody else, and quite a few people who are like this do exist. Also, once you become clear in your mind and then choose who you want to be, more people will respect you for it. Until then, things might seem uncertain and unstable, but there is no reason that that should be the case forever.

 

[Shu]

Depression is like cancer to me, I've seen enough of both (cancer moreso) to actually lose my head. It takes a very strong person to over come Mouse. You might say you are dealing it on your own, but I know now that some things are better talked to with folks that have been through similar bouts.

Not sure how much the hotline will help, though those folks are deemed to be specialized in that area. Coming from the fact I don't know you, and yet you have already posted 2 threads concerning your life turmoils, I'm going to go ahead and say you are really unhappy, and may not have clinical/chemical depression. Not to say folks don't end their life from it, but I'm saying you don't sound like a roller coaster type.

Let me let you in on something, and take from it what you will.

1) You need to know that life is full of crap sometimes. Though I have to argue it is what you make of it. Some folks live off of very little to get by, they don't need a significant other, they don't need much money and they go about their day with only a smile from a certain someone. Others need a bit more in order to not sound so doom and gloom, I say it's a bit dramatic on their part, but some of the stuff might be legit problems if they were expressed honestly.

2) Some folks are overly dependent on the opposite sex/same sex for a relationship. Some times folks don't see the real beauty of being single, due to their want and need to never be alone. Others have a fear of dying alone one day.

3) Some feel that they have no true purpose in life. They don't have a job, or a good one at that, they work their ass off, and have nothing to show for it. They don't have time for a personal life, so a relationship is out, and they are stuck in a situation that they feel they can't get out. So they feel that it is constantly digging a deeper rut, which results in further depression. Imagine if everything was the same, every single day. You had no one to relate to, you were making money that barely catered to fast food even, and due to the decline in the job market, you were constantly in a state of paranoia. You feel you have no jobset that is unique, and the only way out is to end it or keep suffering.

Do yourself a favor ... Try something for someone else before calling it quits. No matter how hate filled you feel, try at least once to do something you usually wouldn't do. You don't need money to do this either. Try to relate, try to help someone out of a hole. Since it seems you are a hermit as you said, try it online, since it's all about anonymity. Give yourself, not in a religious sense. I've seen folks suffer through depression, end it with tears in their eyes.. and I all say is.. what a waste. Balls in your court though.

 

[M1ghty Mous3]

Interesting fact I've come to realize. In the beginning of the day through the middle of it(when depression has kicked in) i'm not depressed. But around the middle of the day through later on, it kicks hard. I've been listening to Beatles to try and help get my slump to go away a bit. It helps every now and then. And i do plan on seeing a therapist or something of that sort. I'm going to talk to my mom when she wakes up and see if a therapist is covered by my dads insurance. And if so, I'll have to see how things start to turn out.

I mus tsay this now though, before it slips my mind. I love you guy/girls. I really do. The people at the other forums, their like, "we all go through this and yada yada" It's cool to know that but their not really giving me advice on what to do to get out of my slump really. Though i'm not sure if i can really blame them, since they probably assume it's a ll gender related.

I called 2 of my best friends last night whilst tipsy-drunk, because i just needed to vent to someone. I'm glad i decided to call them. They listened, and they offered advice as to what they would do in my situation. They stated the same thing that Terrible did, taht i find a psychiatrist or something of that sort as soon as i can.

Again i'm really thankful that the people actually take time to evaluate things and give lengthy advice. Not sure what i would if I hadn't found this forum. Can't thank you all enough.