Original The Story without a name

[Weapon XIV]

So basically to sum it up, here is a synopsis of the story

Prologue


In the year 2011, a nuclear bomb was dropped, very few civilizations lived through the blast, a large group of people looking for a new place to settle found a small outpost in the middle of a deserted forest, among them were the heroes, Nolan and Sara, 15 years after settling, they didn't know that there was a new settlement growing beyond the forest, a civilization that surpasses all their current steam punk technology, and as a unit of the new civilization was patrolling, they noticed the small settlement and asked them to come to the recreated cities, Sara's father, Kain, who was the mayor of the there settlement agreed and they all went, That is when events took a turn for the worst.


Prologue end

Chapter 1: Trouble in large doses


After everybody has settled into the rebuilt city of Cypher, an evil dictator decides that he should be the one to rule over, Nolan and Sara were looking for jobs that would suit them, Nolan being able to work well with any sort of Machine, and Sara was a Doctor, so they easily found jobs, The Dictator, Whose name is Ergheiz, was deciding to start a war, and enslave the civilization, as he worked on a serum to enhance his soldiers abilities, so that his takeover would be a breeze, the doctors of Cypher were trying to develop a cure all formula, one of Ergheiz's soldiers were in the in the medical vicinity at the time of the discussion, and took a sample of the formula, he gave it to Ergheiz to use it for his serum, he had perfected a powerful enhancer with horrific results, now his Army can grow.

Chapter 2: The start of a revolt

Ergheiz has realized the the consequences of using his new serum codenamed Black Crow for its fatal side effect of turning 3 in every 10 soldiers into a demonic, morphed, otherworldly black bird, so hew gives it to his soldiers and starts the revolt to be the king of Cypher, Nolan is working on a machine in the outpost where he once live, as it is the only place where he can keep calm, while Sara and everybody else were in Cypher, doing their regular jobs, Ergheiz move into Cypher, and all hell breaks loose. After several hours, Nolan returns to Cypher, and sees the war struck city, he sees Sara's father Kain lying on the floor, Kain told Nolan what had happened, Nolan asked if Sara was unharmed, Kain said he saw the soldiers take her, with a dying breath, Kain tells Nolan not to let Sara die, Nolan promises she will live, and Kain dies in Nolans arms.

 

[.Dove]

Yes I like the idea..I made almost one the same..with wars and civilisation,as the main idea seems good to me..
Tho,I hope it won't be all action..
P.S.If you want to..I can continue the story...like in a RP

 

[Ilyena]

My first thoughts upon reading this are it seems less like a story and more like just a summary of a story.

One of the chief points my writing teacher always emphasized was the concept of "show, don't tell." Readers don't just want to be told what the characters are doing, we want to see it going on.

I'm also a bit confused as to the level of technology. You state that there was a nuclear war but the current level of technology is steam power? I think the prologue should be expanded to give us a general idea of what's going on. Or you could combine the prologue and Chapter 1.

The same goes for Chapter 1. There is so much going on in that one paragraph that it's extremely confusing. And again, it feels like a summary. Nothing is really explained.

I think with a little work it could be a decent story. Post-apocalyptic worlds are interesting but you also want to try for something at least semi-unique so it doesn't get too cliche.

Hope this helps a bit. xD

 

[CassinoChips]

To piggyback on what Tia said, pick a tense. You go from present progressive to past and back to present. You have to stay consistent in your uses of tense, otherwise the story comes across as very choppy and all over the place. Also, it can confuse readers, especially bouncing in and out of time frames.

Keep writing, though.

 

[Weapon XIV]

My first thoughts upon reading this are it seems less like a story and more like just a summary of a story.

One of the chief points my writing teacher always emphasized was the concept of "show, don't tell." Readers don't just want to be told what the characters are doing, we want to see it going on.

I'm also a bit confused as to the level of technology. You state that there was a nuclear war but the current level of technology is steam power? I think the prologue should be expanded to give us a general idea of what's going on. Or you could combine the prologue and Chapter 1.

The same goes for Chapter 1. There is so much going on in that one paragraph that it's extremely confusing. And again, it feels like a summary. Nothing is really explained.

I think with a little work it could be a decent story. Post-apocalyptic worlds are interesting but you also want to try for something at least semi-unique so it doesn't get too cliche.

Hope this helps a bit. xD

it is basically a synopsis, when i wrote the story for creative writing class last year, it was about 156 pages long, i just left out all the dialogue to make it short, my teacher has the only copy, so rewriting the entire thing would be a hassle, and fill up alot of the thread

 

[Linnaete]

I'm also a bit confused as to the level of technology. You state that there was a nuclear war but the current level of technology is steam power?

I interpreted it as being that the destruction brought upon most of the planet's civilisation by the nuclear war has meant the level of technology reverts to a stage similar to steampunk. Most of the advanced technology would be destroyed and many lives are killed after all.

Also, I'm not entirely sure, but is the prologue and the first chapter a synopsis as a whole? It certainly reads like a whole overview of the events condensed into paragraphs. Also, watch out for your sentence structures as well as tense, as Cassinochips rightfully pointed out.

EDIT: Ah yes, you confirmed it is a synopsis.

 

[Ilyena]

it is basically a synopsis, when i wrote the story for creative writing class last year, it was about 156 pages long, i just left out all the dialogue to make it short, my teacher has the only copy, so rewriting the entire thing would be a hassle, and fill up alot of the thread

First, always keep a copy of your work. xD

Second, I don't see the point in posting it if you're not going to post an actual story. A story requires dialogue, description and character interaction. If you're not going to make that effort, then why bother?

 

[Weapon XIV]

First, always keep a copy of your work. xD

Second, I don't see the point in posting it if you're not going to post an actual story. A story requires dialogue, description and character interaction. If you're not going to make that effort, then why bother?

just wanted to know if the plot was worth working on again, it took me a while to write the original, and all the dialogue added in would take forever, so if everybody says its worth writing, i shall start, but this is just a synopsis of the story, as i cant post on entire thing on the site.

 

[Ilyena]

just wanted to know if the plot was worth working on again, it took me a while to write the original, and all the dialogue added in would take forever, so if everybody says its worth writing, i shall start, but this is just a synopsis of the story, as i cant post on entire thing on the site.

Reading fail due to lack of sleep.

I just noticed at the top it says, "here is a synopsis of the story." Well, I say if you have an idea, run with it. Go ahead and work on it and see how it plays out. It doesn't even have to be the exact same story if you have other ideas to add or want to change some things. When you've got it written down, feel free to post it here and I'll gladly comment. xD

 

[TempierVires]

sounds a bit like Fallen Earth :3

good work none the less.