Serious Friendship issues..

[Ashe B'nargin]

Not sure if somebody is being a true Friend anymore, don't even though if this friend is really a friend at all..

Been friends with ''A'' since the last year of High School. Was nice to her, but remember speaking to one day and remember saying " Oh so your a Scorpio ''.. she snapped back ''How dare you believe in the Zodiac, there is no such thing. How dare you call me a Scorpio..'' and picked up her schoolbag and stormed out of the computer room..

Later a few years ago remember her reading a shojo manga and showing it to her friends and letting them borrow the books from the series. So asked if could borrow some of the manga. She said '' No, you can't. You need to start up from book one.''
tried to explain to her that it doesn't matter. But she kept on saying that I wouldn't be able to keep up, it would be too hard. Mean picked up Fruits Basket at Vol 9. It can't be that difficult. But after walked away, she kept on ranting about how good the manga was to everybody in the room.

Later this year was feeling depressed and just needed to have close friends close by.
My bestie and her boyfriend came around, but she didn't arrive. The second friend was too busy and she didn't really have time to even look at the forum where told everybody what was going on. But ''A'' posted heaps and made heaps of jokes. Then she said ''Sorry I was too busy ''. When asked her why she snapped back and said '' Maybe you think that your events are more important than friendship''.

My Bestie has told me several times that she isn't really true. But thought that she is was just very sensitive. But have no idea whether she is right or not.

At the moment was helping somebody plan a Disco/ Dance party for Midwinter. A friend said that I could choose the music and be her DJ for the night. But A comes along and all of a sudden takes over the party. She starts out planning her ideas, she pushed away the opportunity to be a DJ [ When was sooo looking forward to it..]
She tells others not to bring dates along, then when asked her what about people who have a relationship ? And she says back. ''BTW just because I'm saying this, doesn't mean I'm taking over..and didn't tell people that they couldn't bring dates, I support people bringing dates..''

Okay reading this she doesn't sound like a true friend at all. But frankly she's just annoying. She always screams out her achievements and how wonderful/ good she is.
She's rather kind/ nice to another people and she likes shouting out to people what she enjoys so others can pick up and celebrates what she likes. Like the fricken Jo Bros.

Struggle to attend church because of the depression, but A always likes to rub that in when we book events for Church based parties. When always willingly say. " Hey, I can book the church for you. The church will be free.'' A pops around and says. " I can book the church for you instead, because I attend Church often and is a full-member. '"

... That always hurts me heaps...

Honestly don't know what to do with her.She's just hurting me, thinking about giving up on the Disco Dance. Would like to tell her how I feel and to tell her to shut up. But also friends with her older sister and know for a fact that her sister will be hurt if ever get angry /pissed off at A. And really honestly, don't want to see her sister sad..

Thanks for reading. Hope this rant made sense. It's hard to type when your in a bad mood...

 

[Totoro]

It doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, but then she may have done other things that make her more supportive.

But she doesn't sound very considerate, but it sounds like she just needs attention, and when she doesn't get it she kicks off. Perhaps its just a phase and one day she'll figure out why she does this (maybe it's more of a deep seated issue?)

Anyway you sound like you've been petient enough, and it all boils down to how much you are willing to keep things as they are and whether you want to invest your time, energy and love with so little return.

Just my thoughts

 

[Shu]

Well I kind of struggled to read what you were saying a lot of it was not exactly linear per se. If all of this is true, in which it sounds a bit nutty, I'll throw down a bit of advice.

I'll put it bluntly, you need to tell her off. If you keep on letting her walk all over you like this it will be like this story:

A person plants two seeds, Seed A and Seed B. Both of them get watered daily. Seed "A" sprouts out of the ground first and grows quicker than the other. Plant "B" sprouts out of the ground shortly after. Both are very healthy at first, but after a short time Plant "B" experiences difficulties in growing because Plant "A" overshadows Plant "B". Slowly plant "B" starts to choke to death because it does not have room to grow, thanks to plant "A". Plant "B" will no longer be able to grow unless plant "A" is removed..

Your choice is to either cut Plant "A" out, or keep letting her strangle you with her overshadowing ways.

I see no room in having a person run your life for you. You will appreciate your life more if you stop this repetitive behavior from your friend. She can still remain a friend, but you need to let her know. Confrontation is a must.

 

[blakstang98]

It would seem to me that she is definitely an attention whore and a very high maintenance friend. Her flare for the dramatic makes this case, trying to strike up drama for attention from others who may or may not be friends. She will grow out of this behavior in time, but who knows how soon that will be.

Making an effort to humiliate a "friend" in front of a crowd of people is an absolute no-no. A friend should be more important than a crowd of random people. I can't even explain the zodiac thing, that's just plain childish. Again, looking for attention, even if there isn't anyone around, it was just purely for drama purposes.

Like Shu says, confrontation is key. You have to put her in her place, even if it jeopardizes the friendship. It's sweet that you care enough about her older sister to not want to hurt her, but this dispute is between you and your friend. Not to say you couldn't be friends with her older sister anyways if the friendship doesn't work out, but again, confronting her won't necessarily end the friendship.

Maybe this will be out in left field a little, but if I have to guess, I'd say your friend is very jealous of you. Yup, she's trying to act all high and mighty to you to prove to you that she can be better when in fact she knows she's not. You don't have to tell her that, but you can always use that as extra leverage against her, just not in a direct way. So don't feel badly because you know you have more confidence in yourself than she has in herself.

Anywho, hope it works out for the best Ashe!

 

[Shadra]

lmao wow... she sounds just like someone that I know!!.... she's a b*tch sometimes and she talks too much most of the time. But she's cool too sometimes.

After reading that you're friend sounds like she has some attention needs. Maybe you should talk to her sister about it? Not sure.... I'm not all that good at giving advice when I don't personally know the person. Honestly I don't know what to say... she really doesn't sound like a good friend the way you wrote that. :/ Everyone's defferent.

 

[Ashe B'nargin]

Well I kind of struggled to read what you were saying a lot of it was not exactly linear per se. If all of this is true, in which it sounds a bit nutty, I'll throw down a bit of advice.

Sorry if it sounds nutty. Suck at explaining things. Wrote her a letter last night, haven't heard back from her. But got a sad feeling that we are no longer friends.

Still want to be Friends with her, she is a nice person. She's not evil..
But just felt like she was ...really overpowering, stepping on me, and saying/doing some manipulative things..

But if loose her as a Friend. Will just look back at the times, when tried to speak to her on MSM Bebo & Facebook and didn't get a reply....

Maybe you should talk to her sister about it?

... Yeah. That sounds like a good idea..

Maybe this will be out in left field a little, but if I have to guess, I'd say your friend is very jealous of you.

She could be. But think she's used to being a Leader and people looking up to her and always being keen to follow her advice, being a popular Youth Group leader she'll get that heaps. Think when we plan Friend events & outings for the weekend. Think she's still in ''Youth Group leadership mode ". Don't know why, like you guys said above. Maybe she just likes the attention of being a Leader..

 

[Dionysos]

Maybe she just likes the attention of being a Leader..

From reading this I would say this is possibly true. Some people are like that. Some are good leaders, others are just far too controlling and lead (or try to) at everyone elses expense, and don't really care so much about the people they are trying to control, which isn't good leading at all.

I've known some people like that in my life. Quite a lot of people dislike them for these traits. Thats just how some people are though, I guess you just have to learn what makes people tick and that.

With this person though she seems to drain a lot out of you (I'm guessing). I do suggest confrontation. I agree that having a word could help and just firmly sticking your ground when she trys to take over. I understand that it will be difficult doing that, but she needs to learn now rather than to carry on having her own way and taking control over everyone elses lives. You don't need to be harsh or nasty about it at all, but just to try and fight for yourself a bit. For example if anything like that DJ incident happens again (that that happened really sucks btw), just to firmly say no, and that you had been given the task and it is your turn to do something.

Do you reckon it is simply her personality and that she is just one of those controlling, bossy, but sometimes fail at leading types? Or might she have psychological, mental problems or disabilities of some kind?

The way she reacted to being called by her star sign was a little bit odd if you ask me. There might seriously be something else going on other than just a controlling nature of hers. Might be worth asking her sister, though I understand asking about her mental health isn't exactly a very sensible question.. But I don't know, maybe you could ask about it. I'm saying this as a dude who has two best friends on the autistic spectrum, and some that have questionable sanity and I worry for them lately. If this girl does have something like that, then at least you can know that she isn't deliberately being an idiot to you, though it will still be hard to cope with her actions (there is no changing these peoples minds when they are dead set on something). Of course I could be totally wrong, she just reminded me a lot of one of my friends who is also very controling and won't even let me speak most of the time. And I've had other friends like that in the past.

I understand though. She is a nice person, but you just feel suffocated and hurt by the way she acts and tries to get her own way. It might just be her nature, and nothing personal to you, or it might be that she has some sort of problem. If it is personal and aimed at you only then you definately need a word and put an end to it. May I ask how she acts when she doesn't get her way? Or have you not seen that happen yet?


Anyway good luck and I hope it sorts itself out.



EDIT - Oh just realised you had sent her a letter. My eyes selectively missed that. Well I hope she contacts you soon with a reply to that in some form. It needed to be done, so well done for having the courage to do it.

 

[Yumiko]

Sorry if it sounds nutty. Suck at explaining things. Wrote her a letter last night, haven't heard back from her. But got a sad feeling that we are no longer friends.

Still want to be Friends with her, she is a nice person. She's not evil..
But just felt like she was ...really overpowering, stepping on me, and saying/doing some manipulative things..

But if loose her as a Friend. Will just look back at the times, when tried to speak to her on MSM Bebo & Facebook and didn't get a reply....

Actually, not being friends for quite some time can give the time both parties need to grow and mature. So, even if she can be a nice person - you know your limits, and if she is suffocating you and (in most cases) unconscious of her actions, a temporary separation may help to heal. It may take several years, but it's a possible feat.

Based on her personality type, she may not be accepting what you're telling her now, and may want to sever the friendship. If she decides to do the latter, then she either doesn't care much about you as a friend, or she's upset. As she matures, she will either accept the truth and try to fix it - or she will continue living life without you in her life. If the latter is true, then I would say it's a good that she is no longer in your life. Like Shu said, you need to grow and get that chance to be in the spotlight as well. There's no need to be submissive within this situation. If all goes well, you would be doing both her and you a favor - she would be able to realize and work on her flaws, and you would still be able to keep her as a friend.

Now, I'm glad that you don't see her as an absolutely terrible person, and I'm sure that it's possible that it's only a personality/character problem. I used to be that girl - girl "A". It sounded a whole lot like me when I was in elementary/middle-school. Now I've grown, realized my mistakes, and fixed them. I'm still working on myself, and it's a lifetime process, but I think your friend has that same chance to grow. People are people, and we all tend to make mistakes in our lives. I believe that there's a good inside everyone. Some people are just misunderstood and hard to love - I'm having difficulty with seeing the good in everybody myself sometimes.