An English man, and Irish man and a Scotishman.....

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Jimmy D

Jimmy D

I want doesnt get.....
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This thread is to post ur best jokes in.^_^

HAVE FUN!! 'APPY DAYS!!

Why was Phillip's girlfreind dissapointed?

Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television.



Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"
 
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Yarly. :monster:

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of the blondes spots a dog with one eye and exclaims "Look at that dog with one eye!" the other blonde covers one eye with her hand and says "Where?!"
 
:monster: That's funny ^_^ thank God I'm not blonde :P
Here's one but it's not that funny

John's homework was to find three sentences at home:

John: Mom can you give me a sentence? Just say sumthing
Mom: Oh f*** (she burnt a cookie while cooking)

John: Dad can you give me a sentance?
Dad: Wooohooo, Yeah!!! (obviosely he was watching footbal :dry:)

John: Hey sis I need sum kind of sentence for my school. Can you tell me one?
Sister: wow look at that!
John: What? Where?
Sister: A naked guy down the street! (She fooled him)

The next day....
Teacher: Well John, let's hear your three sentences.
John: Oh f***
Teacher: Excuse me?! I'll take you to the principal now young man!
John: Woohoo!!!!!
Teacher: Do you know who the principal is?
John: A naked guy down the street

:monster: :P Whatever...
 
Dr. Dave had done a bad thing. He slept with one of his patients. He knew that he wasn't the first doctor who had done so, and that he wouldn't be the last, but he was an honourable man, and was deeply ashamed of himself. He constantly told himself "stop being stupid Dave, you aren't the first; you won't be the last. And as long as no one finds out, you'll be fine." But then there was always the reply at the back of his mind; "Don't forget though, that you're a vet."
 
An English man, an Irish man and a Scots man were walking through the Sahara Desert, when they cam across a lamp. After a rub, a genie popped out and declared that he'd grant each one of them a single wish.
"Alright" said the Scots man. "I'll take a camel, and ten gallons of water. Who knows how long we'll be out here.." The genie complied, and gave him a camel and the water.
"Sounds good to me" said the English man. "I'll take the same." The genie gave him a camel and some water too.
"So what'll it be for you?" the genie asked the Irish man.
"I'll take a car door" he replied.

Later on, the English man and the Scottish man decided they couldn't take it any longer.
"Why'd you ask for a car door?" they asked.
"So I can wind the window down when it gets too hot" he replied.

:monster:
 
Here's a good one:
A man goes onto a business trip to foreign country. As soon as he gets there he thinks 'hmm, i think i'll get a prostitute tonight.'
Whilst having sex with her she starts screaming 'NAKAHIER, NAKAHIER.'
He starts thinking to himself 'What the hell does "nakahier" mean......oh well, she seems to be enjoying it.'

The next day, he goes to a golf course with some friends and he whacks the ball on the wrong green when he hears a man shouting 'NAKAHIER, NAKAHIER'
At this point, he was truely confused about what it meant so he asked his translator.

The translator replies 'wrong hole'
 
Tifa_TRUE_Lockheart said:
:monster: That's funny ^_^ thank God I'm not blonde :P
Here's one but it's not that funny

John's homework was to find three sentences at home:

John: Mom can you give me a sentence? Just say sumthing
Mom: Oh f*** (she burnt a cookie while cooking)

John: Dad can you give me a sentance?
Dad: Wooohooo, Yeah!!! (obviosely he was watching footbal :dry:)

John: Hey sis I need sum kind of sentence for my school. Can you tell me one?
Sister: wow look at that!
John: What? Where?
Sister: A naked guy down the street! (She fooled him)

The next day....
Teacher: Well John, let's hear your three sentences.
John: Oh f***
Teacher: Excuse me?! I'll take you to the principal now young man!
John: Woohoo!!!!!
Teacher: Do you know who the principal is?
John: A naked guy down the street

:monster: :P Whatever...
Click to expand...

lol that one WAS funny :P

i love those jokes..
 
Tifa_TRUE_Lockheart said:
Irish are usually stupid but whatever :P (no offence)
Click to expand...

Ha, I dont think so ...

2 blondes walk into a bar ... you'd think one of them would have seen it.

A clever blonde, Father Christmas and a brunette all jump off a bridge at the same time. Only one hits the water. Which is it?

The brunette cause the other 2 dont excist.
 
Two old, John and Cid meet in the street one day, after not seeing each other for years. "Oh, so how are things?" Cid asked.
"Not too bad" says John, "and yourself?"
"Oh, I've just buried my mother-in-law" Cid replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. And you have some scratches on your cheek by the way" John pointed out.
"Yeah, she put up one hell of a fight" said Cid.

A man was in the supermarket, and he noticed that an old lady was following him. She would stop whenever he did, and walk on again when he did. Just as he came to the check out, she overtook him, and turned around. "I'm really sorry for doing that, but you just look remarkably like my late son" she explained.
"Oh I see, don't worry about it" the man replied. While the cashier was scanning her items, the woman turned around and explained that it would make her day if he called out "goodbye, mum" as she left.
So when she left, he shouted it out and the old lady turned around, smiled and waved back.
After the cashier had put the man's items through the till, she said "that's £105 please."
"What do you mean? I've only bought a few things" he said.
"Yes, but you mother said that her son would pay for hers."
 
How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the front door. :P

Here are a few school related jokes that I got from PESFan.


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. * *
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.*
 
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David Beckham is shopping in LA when he spots a 10 foot high display of shiney new flasks. He quickly finds a shop clerk and says, "What are those?" to which the clerk replies,
"Those are the new Thermos Flasks, sir."
Still puzzled, Beckham asks another question,
"What does it do?"
"Well" says the clerk, "They're specially designed to keep hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Brilliant!" exclaims David, "I'll take five!"

The next day David takes the opportunity to show off his flashy new flask at the LA Galaxy training ground. Within seconds the Galaxy coach walks up to him and asks, "What's that you got there Dave?"
"This" says Beckham, "Is the new Thermos Flask, coach"
"But what does it do?" asks the coach,
"Well" says David, "It's specially designed to keep hot things hot and cold things cold."
"So what have you got in it?" asks the coach.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc-ice." says David.
 
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Riku said:
Best joke in the world = short, sweet and instantly funny.

A blonde walks in to a bar and screams, "OUCH!"
:)
Click to expand...
A guy walked into a bar. The woman walking beside him ducked. ^_^

~

A professor is just wrapping up her lesson for her class and specifically instructs that absolutely no one should miss the upcoming exam unless they are attending a funeral or are in an emergency. The smartass of the class raises his hand and asks, "What about sexual exhaustion?"
The class bursts out in laughter and the professor just waits until they had quieted down. She then smiled sweetly and replied;
"Well, then you can write with your other hand."
 
The Blonde and The Lawyer
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Vancouver to Toronto. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the internet and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


I've loved that one for years lmao and had to go and look it up!
 
A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Paddy shouts "Ná ol an t-uisce, ta sé lán de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshampoo.)
The man shouts back "I'm English mate. Speak English, I don't understand you".
The Paddy shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."




A few office-types roam into a Pub in the City in London. Business is over for the day so they all land in for some lager and loudmouthery.

An old Irishman is sitting at the end of the bar, doing a crossword and asks them to keep the noise down.

"Ay ay" cries one, "we've got a paddy 'ere!"

He walks over to the old fella and says "i heard that St Patrick was gay"

"Right so" replies the old fella, and goes back to his crossword.

Another one tries his luck, "Here Paddy, i heard that St Patrick wore womens clothes and shagged sheep"

"Right so" replies the old fella, and goes back to his crossword.

The last guy says to his mates, "This'll get him angry" and he walks up to the old man and says:

"Did you know, that St Patrick was ENGLISH"

The old fella looks up and says, "Aye, your mates were just telling me".



and for the best joke evereverever


what do ya call postman pat when he retires....








pat :unsure::ninja::ninja::ph34r:
 
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